whichwayisup Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 my AP wife is terrible to him. She belittles him, makes him feel less of a man, and nothing is ever good enough for her. Yet, the second she has a fit with him he is running with his tail between his legs to her trying to fix everything and make it right for her. To top it off, when they are in a period of marital trouble he always shuns me. I hear from him more when things are going well with them. But he comes to me complaining about how terrible she makes him feel but he will never leave. He says because of the kids and he does love her. Ugh. I feel like his therapist. And this won't change. He's not 'unhappy' enough to file for divorce and leave. He loves his wife and will put up with whatever... It's worth it to him because he has children with her and has a life built with her. Even though he's had an affair with you, that isn't enough to make him leave. Ever. Also, you only know one side of this, from what you hear from him, probably a greatly exaggerated version to suit him best. Can someone please explain to me this dysfunctional man's thoughts staying with a wife like that?! And I'm over here on the side with so much love to give him. But guess what? He doesn't want me. The question really is, you have so much love to give but it's being wasted on a married man who doesn't want you. Instead of focusing and wondering the why's and how's of what he thinks and feels or what is happening in their marriage, focus on yourself and ask yourself WHY you're hanging onto him. I hope you find the strength to end it and grieve the loss. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 Well... His family of origin may have him used to chaos and feeling inferior. For that alone he's not likely to choose settling down with someone that makes him feel good because it would ever be "normal for HIM". He may like it as an occasional side dish taste but it is TOO unfamiliar as the main course. So - for that alone - you are expecting from him something he's incapable of transitioning to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 She treats him badly, he stays. He treats you badly, you stay. Maybe you can answer your own question better than anyone else. Well said Cinnimon. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 8, 2015 Share Posted February 8, 2015 I have a few thoughts for why he stays with his wife. 1. He is lying and she doesn't treat him badly at all. 2. He is an abused man and in fear of leaving 3. Despite the awful way she treats him, he is choosing to honour part of his wedding vows and stay with her. This man responds to a strong woman (his wife), so you being the meek OW is not a particularly attractive quality to him. Think about it. You are so different to his wife and he goes back every single time and stays even closer to her when she is allegedly treating him badly. Savannah, my gut is that she doesn't treat him badly. He is saying this to justify the affair and keep you as a willing partner. If you were my friend, I'd be having serious words with this man and telling him to leave you alone for good. He is a waste of space. Please, please wake up and smell the coffee. Get strong and leave his a** behind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
trolloperative Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 my AP wife is terrible to him. She belittles him, makes him feel less of a man, and nothing is ever good enough for her. Yet, the second she has a fit with him he is running with his tail between his legs to her trying to fix everything and make it right for her. To top it off, when they are in a period of marital trouble he always shuns me. I hear from him more when things are going well with them. But he comes to me complaining about how terrible she makes him feel but he will never leave. He says because of the kids and he does love her. Ugh. I feel like his therapist. Can someone please explain to me this dysfunctional man's thoughts staying with a wife like that?! And I'm over here on the side with so much love to give him. But guess what? He doesn't want me. He tries to please her when she is upset the way a child wants to make mommy happy. He only sees you when things are well probably because he sees all of you as a package deal, the wife, kids, mistress. Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I don't understand why there was any contact after he admitted he loved her. That would leave such a poor taste in my mouth. Nothing else should matter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I also think that he is the type of man that can't accept failure. When his marriage is Rocky or she threatens to leave, it is a big hit to his ego. And even thiugh he may know that she is impossible to deal with, he cannot stand the thought of her leaving him because it means that he isn't good enough for her and she doesn't want him. And his ego cannot stand that. He loves to be wanted. No need to waste any more of your energy thinking of how he must feel. How about how you feel? What about what you deserve? Why not prioritize your feelings above MM's feelings? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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