Girlfriend puts little effort in the relationship

[oleggy]

I know in advance this will be relatively long post, so sorry for that. But ill try to keep it short as possible and on point. My deal is, that my girlfriend and i have been together for 6 months now, we've known each other for 9 years. I know she's a wonderful person and i might just be expecting the wrong things out of a relationship(as it's indeed my first one).

 

But the thing is, i feel my girlfriend isn't much affectionate and putting much effort into the relationship at all. We are together still and that's a good sign even after all the things we've gone through. She has excused herself months back that she isn't used to being affectionate(even she has been in like 2 or 3 relationships before, but this is a LDR, so probably abit tougher as she seems more like a physical love person). And a week or two back, she stated herself though, that she feels she isn't putting much effort in it, and said "i don't know why i'm holding back" with many sorry messages when we had that serious chat, and i said i understood and would be patient with her and i didn't mind it that much, she just needs time. And are also understandable when all of her is considered.

 

She has had a troubled life when growing up, and now. She's a caretaker for her mum also. She has had 2 depressive episodes since we got together. As being caretaker for her mum, she has to also pay all financial stuff at home, and her work is making her body in constant pain. Which i know everything about because she tells me mostly everything about that(which is a good thing, as shes venting i learn alot about her).

 

Other things are that her once long term relationship she had once left her completely devastated(ended like 3-4 years back), and she feels neglected by her mum, because she never get listened to and all her mum does is complaining to her. So being neglected by her mum, doesn't help much on her already low-self esteem(she stated herself she had no self esteem at all) and might be afraid of getting hurt again as part hurts from relationships. When she started getting depressive at sunday she also said she thought she always was the reason for relationships to not last, that there had to be her that was the issue.

 

When she told me about holding back and having no self esteem i told her i would be caring and supportive. And most of all patient with her because i love her and think in the end we will blossom alot more when she gets to the part of opening up more and not holding back. Under what i believe was the infatuation phase she was alot different and was more eager to see me and was more joyous and interested in me(like deep questions and getting to know me, maybe depression now cause her not to be too much like that anymore though).

 

I should be glad she's sending me at least 9gag pictures from time to time(with boyfriend in title, or other seemingly affectionate things in a weird way) and have said she dreams of me often, and thinks of me every night and morning, but i wish i received more affectionate greetings and good night messages and things like that, not just like once a week.

 

So at sunday as she started her new depressive period, and for 2nd or 3rd time tried to push me away, saying i deserve something better, and that time she said that i deserve someone more stable. Other things she's been saying is that sooner or later i will get tired of her ****, like she feels she complains too much but i don't mind. But like i've always done is to reassure her and give her of my love to show i really want her in hope if i show her my love, she will feel more inclined to opening up and be more comfortable to making and effort too. Throughout the relationship, i've tried as often i can to be affectionate and loving and caring partner because that's what i believe relationships are about(so i might indeed crossed over to being an over-giver which i'm not sure about myself).

 

One part of me tells me that, that's her way of saying she really cares for me really deeply. And perhaps loves me when she says i deserve something better but she's just not having much self-love or self-esteem. She did indeed send a video 1-2 months back of a dog barking i love you so i might just be obsessive over not hearing too affectionate stuff lately. So i have a feeling of uncertainty that all her feelings towards me have faded when i receive not much affectionate words recently.

 

Could this all be just because of she's struggling to keep herself together with everything she has on her shoulders with her job and financial situation along with the depression and self-esteem? or could she not be wanting this relationship, and just stringing me along for support and care?

[Gloria25]

If someone is putting less effort than you are in the RL - regardless of the reasons - then I wouldn't stay around for that.

 

I have and continue to go through stressful things - to the point where just having sex was difficult, but I pushed through cuz I don't believe in cutting off someone you're seeing.

 

I'm also learning that no matter how much stress is going on, I have to continue to live. So, instead of cutting off my nose to spite my face (by denying myself enjoyable things in life), I'm pushing myself to make "fun" time - despite the gloomy cloud over my head.

 

So, if your gf isn't at that point where she can live despite the stresses of life - then maybe she has to learn more about living.

 

I also have a strained relationship with my mum and family. But trust me, if she gets out of line, I have no problem with putting her on a plane and out of my hair/life - like I've done in the past. This, and many other things is sorta what has me as the "lone wolf" in the family.

 

BTW, if your gf puts you at the bottom of the list when it comes to stuff...before you know it, she'll also put you at the bottom of her list when it comes to kids, friends, her job, etc.

[oleggy]

Do you have an idea how i could turn this around though? As i mentioned abit, she means the world to me and we share same dream about living together, getting an house etc so we do want to be together.

 

And just this weekend she did send partly affectionate pictures before it all went south and tried to push me away on sunday. And lately we do still enjoy activities like gaming together, but theres less talk. Just talk about regular life stuff.

 

So would it be too soon to push her on a new conversation about the relationship, when we had some deep relationship talk friday and saturday? My gut feeling says she is isolating herself alone with games and TV now to deal with this in her head and work through things, and her body is still a wreck as usual.

 

So i feel the spark between us is fading and shes like fading away from me back to just like a bestfriends. But hey, im new to relationships so this could judt be temporary, but troubles me about her effort. Could all be due to her way of dealing with this rough time as she doesnt even want to talk about the sadness thats tearing on her now.

 

But if you recommend bringing it up, how would you suggest i go on about the matter? Should i question the things she stated about her feeling she didnt put much effort into it and holding back, and ask if she has thought of how she will work that out?

[d0nnivain]

The amount of emotional pressure on caregivers is staggering. She's depressed. Depressed people can't do much. She certainly doesn't have the emotional wherewithall to sustain a healthy relationship. If you are really committed to her (& you don't to be) ride the cycle out. If you want somebody with whom you don't have to take this ride every so often, bail. You cannot be her mental health support system. She needs professional help for that & possibly respite care to help with her mom.

[oleggy]

So d0nnivain, from your point of view i should just ride along and provide her emotional support(care, love and support) then she will come around for me when she's feeling better again? So to speak, i shouldnt put more pressure on her like i was wondering about in first reply. As that could backfire as she has enough on her shoulders for now.

 

And im guessing i should feel grateful for the chats we do have now, and the times we play games together(at least 3 times a week), and ride low profile with no big questions for the chats just take it easy till its all over?

 

I'm new to relationships also, so im filled with uncertainty through the things i've explained. But im guessing relaxing and patience in my best help now?

[Gloria25]

So d0nnivain, from your point of view i should just ride along and provide her emotional support(care, love and support) then she will come around for me when she's feeling better again? So to speak, i shouldnt put more pressure on her like i was wondering about in first reply. As that could backfire as she has enough on her shoulders for now.

 

And im guessing i should feel grateful for the chats we do have now, and the times we play games together(at least 3 times a week), and ride low profile with no big questions for the chats just take it easy till its all over?

 

I'm new to relationships also, so im filled with uncertainty through the things i've explained. But im guessing relaxing and patience in my best help now?

 

IMO, "where there's a will, there's a way"...In other words, if your gf doesn't see you as a priority, you hanging around isn't gonna make much of a difference.

 

Maybe you can look up some resources for her (i.e. a caregiver support message board/group) where she can talk to others and get some support, help, and tips/tricks on how to handle the caregiving.

[Danda]

Man, everything about this situation sounds tough.

 

- Her childhood sucked

- She's a caregiver for a parent (that **** is brutal)

- She struggles with depression

- It's a long-distance relationship

 

I think it's one of those is-what-it-is situations, so either you're okay with it, or you're not. But if you're worried that she just isn't into you, consider that you've already laid out several strong reasons as to why she doesn't communicate too many happy/giddy things.

 

Two things to consider:

 

1. Make sure that you're genuinely happy with the relationship and that you're not just playing the role of caregiver, yourself, like you'd feel too insanely guilty to call things off if it's not working for you, because of how tough she's had it and has it right now. Caring about someone and being in love with them are two different things, but it can be hard to tell the difference sometimes, and it's never an easy thing to face or choice to make in certain situations. But definitely be mindful and honest about your feelings.

 

2. Some people suck with words. I'm one of them. I grew up in a household where hearing "I love you" was very rare. To this day I have a hard time saying it. I also suck with words in general, and words generally don't mean much to me. In a relationship I am extremely physically affectionate, and in general I tend to show my love by helping people out with stuff. That's the same sort of thing I tend to notice most from others, as well. Words and presents don't really mean **** to me. So yes it is also highly possible that her "love language" is way more physical than verbal, which can make an LDR situation really awkward.

[d0nnivain]

So d0nnivain, from your point of view i should just ride along and provide her emotional support(care, love and support) then she will come around for me when she's feeling better again? So to speak, i shouldnt put more pressure on her like i was wondering about in first reply. As that could backfire as she has enough on her shoulders for now.

 

And im guessing i should feel grateful for the chats we do have now, and the times we play games together(at least 3 times a week), and ride low profile with no big questions for the chats just take it easy till its all over?

 

I'm new to relationships also, so im filled with uncertainty through the things i've explained. But im guessing relaxing and patience in my best help now?

 

If you want to keep her, yes you have to be patient but you also have to understand that it may never get better. Mental illness (depression) doesn't just go away.

 

As a "1st" / early relationship this may be too much pressure too much work for you.

 

Relationships are supposed to make you happier, not drag you down. When it stops being fun, unless you are married & vowed for goods time & bad, better or worse -- there's no sense sticking around.

[todreaminblue]

you are right, often a person who says you deserve better feels bad that she is the way she is and depression has a firm hold on that sort of talk......

 

you are new to relationships so i am guessing even though you are new to this....the situation on her being a care giver and suffering from depression had already been in the open before you got together?

 

takes a special type of guy to deal with a woman who has emotional issues heavy commitment and responsibilities.....it goes in order of priority at any given time.......

 

i suffer from depression.......i am a caregiver to a mentally impaired adult son......and i have teens......girls no less......so my issues can get on top of me....i would hope any guy that i was with would take into consideration my responsibilities and commitments i already have and realize that does not mean i would commit to him less.......i would want my partner to be the person i talked to......i would rely on him for that ....but....twofold....i would be there for him whenever he needed me.....is she ever there for you when you need her .....how long are her depressive episodes...does she swing...between high energy and low energy?..deb

[oleggy]

Danda, Bottom line is that i do love her from the bottom of my heart and have some beliefs that shes my soulmate in many ways. I know the things shes dealing wiyh wears me down too, as i love her i try to show care and support. So im finelining between being a caretaker for her, and just a very thoughtful/loving boyfriend.

 

I didnt grow up in a home where things were like that either, never any feelings were shown. And i felt often rejected by my own parents and tried my best to be independent and act grown up through rough childhood with bullying. So i rather see that as a opportunity to be caring and loving in a way i feel it should be like. Open and honest and showing it when you mean it.

 

I'm happy with the relationship as it is though. When she isnt totallly down we do manage to have some nice long chats and play some together. And guess her way of being affectionate is by sending pictures for now mostly from time to time, and live in hope she still thinks often of me, like she said 2-3 weeks back.

[oleggy]

D0novain and todreaminblue. I know this is alot of pressure for it to be my first serious relationship(ive done some dating). But im committed and want this to work, and i do know im strong enough to handle it, even it wears me down from time to time, or confused/uncertain(like now). For you d0novain, probably my biggest fear is losing her(i reckon i have some fear of abandonment, but working much on that), even though she said i would get tired of her **** sooner or later. I think it will be the opposite of her leaving me.

 

To todreaminblue. Not everything were new to me as i had known her so long. But as you enter a committed relationship everything is in a new perspective. And yes. Shes quite moody from time to time. But its usually triggered by events and not randomly. And im always there for her when she feels like venting or anything at all

 

In return, i dont have much needs myself that i cant take care of. The only thing i need is to feel wanted and loved, abd to feel secure in a relationship. But as mentioned above thats not always easy to obtain as she has enough most of the time on her mind. So its a combination of me being bad at stating my needs, as thats totally new for me, and that i know what shes going through so i dont want to pull more on her.

[todreaminblue]

Danda, Bottom line is that i do love her from the bottom of my heart and have some beliefs that shes my soulmate in many ways. I know the things shes dealing wiyh wears me down too, as i love her i try to show care and support. So im finelining between being a caretaker for her, and just a very thoughtful/loving boyfriend.

 

I didnt grow up in a home where things were like that either, never any feelings were shown. And i felt often rejected by my own parents and tried my best to be independent and act grown up through rough childhood with bullying. So i rather see that as a opportunity to be caring and loving in a way i feel it should be like. Open and honest and showing it when you mean it.

 

I'm happy with the relationship as it is though. When she isnt totallly down we do manage to have some nice long chats and play some together. And guess her way of being affectionate is by sending pictures for now mostly from time to time, and live in hope she still thinks often of me, like she said 2-3 weeks back.

 

 

sounds like your love language might be words of affirmation.......hers might be a different language....doesnt mean you cant find middle ground.....

 

i dont think its being a caretaker to be loving and thoughtful......isnt that just the way boyfriends and girlfriends are meant to be...loving and thoughtful.....not all boyfriend girlfriend relationships are all good times...you have struggles as any partnership does.....how you work together in times of stress defines the longevity of the relationship......

 

 

 

 

its easy to sail in calm weather, smooth water, with a light breeze at your back..not so easy when it gets choppy out there and the wind picks up.......doesnt mean you should stop sailing.....it does however make you appreciate that light breeze, those smooth waters and calm weather......some people arent built to sail though..

 

 

they havent been taught how....not together or not at all....i wish you smooth sailing and calm waters...i do feel you are a loving and thoughtful bf to her....and you can sail all waters.......if you believe you can....and you love the waters.....you will know whats the right way to steer inherently or you will learn as you go...you have to speak to the co captain though and be honest with the direction you want to sail to..deb

[Gloria25]

you are right, often a person who says you deserve better feels bad that she is the way she is and depression has a firm hold on that sort of talk......

 

you are new to relationships so i am guessing even though you are new to this....the situation on her being a care giver and suffering from depression had already been in the open before you got together?

 

takes a special type of guy to deal with a woman who has emotional issues heavy commitment and responsibilities.....it goes in order of priority at any given time.......

 

i suffer from depression.......i am a caregiver to a mentally impaired adult son......and i have teens......girls no less......so my issues can get on top of me....i would hope any guy that i was with would take into consideration my responsibilities and commitments i already have and realize that does not mean i would commit to him less.......i would want my partner to be the person i talked to......i would rely on him for that ....but....twofold....i would be there for him whenever he needed me.....is she ever there for you when you need her .....how long are her depressive episodes...does she swing...between high energy and low energy?..deb

 

Exactly ^^ people are supposed to "turn in" to each other in times of stress instead of "turn away" from each other. Heck, that's what having a SO is all about - 'It's you and me against the world, baby'.

 

Yes, there are times people need their space to mull over and come up with their own solutions to things - but again, if she's not letting you in, then what's the point of you being around.

 

Like me this week, if I had a SO, I would call him up and just ask him to hug me. No words, no telling him what happened with mum, I'd just ask him to hold me.

 

When I was a kid, I remember having a dream after a terrible day at home. And in the dream, the guy I had affection for just "hugged" me. No words, no tears, all I wanted him to do is hold me.

 

So, you turn towards your SO to give you comfort, not turn away from them, IMO.

[oleggy]

Exactly ^^ people are supposed to "turn in" to each other in times of stress instead of "turn away" from each other. Heck, that's what having a SO is all about - 'It's you and me against the world, baby'.

 

Yes, there are times people need their space to mull over and come up with their own solutions to things - but again, if she's not letting you in, then what's the point of you being around.

 

Like me this week, if I had a SO, I would call him up and just ask him to hug me. No words, no telling him what happened with mum, I'd just ask him to hold me.

 

When I was a kid, I remember having a dream after a terrible day at home. And in the dream, the guy I had affection for just "hugged" me. No words, no tears, all I wanted him to do is hold me.

 

So, you turn towards your SO to give you comfort, not turn away from them, IMO.

 

I do believe i tried that approach. I'm sure it was a combination of lots of factors for her depression to pan out on sunday. But when we talked she felt down when she realized how long she had to work before she had to retire. And a strike going on in her area so she was afraif of more financial trouble if she couldnt work for some days.

 

I might have chosen a bit too pushy approach. By starting to say things like we could conquer that together if our plans would pan out, we'd live together and save up so we could retire at the right time and so on. Thats what led her to push me away and said i deserved someone better/more stable or so. So i did my best to reassure her and that was the take on that chat. For mon-wed i gues she needed to mull over it on her own(no talking :/ ), and on wednesday she could vent about her job and her body and i try my best to show i care.

 

But when i asked about her mum or the sadness she felt, she didnt want to talk about it. So i'm so confused at the same time. I would want her to come to me, and i feel i did something on sunday so she wont do it in same way until some trudt id rebuilt. Or she maybe just feels she should do it on her own.

Edited December 11, 2014 by oleggy

[todreaminblue]

Exactly ^^ people are supposed to "turn in" to each other in times of stress instead of "turn away" from each other. Heck, that's what having a SO is all about - 'It's you and me against the world, baby'.

 

Yes, there are times people need their space to mull over and come up with their own solutions to things - but again, if she's not letting you in, then what's the point of you being around.

 

Like me this week, if I had a SO, I would call him up and just ask him to hug me. No words, no telling him what happened with mum, I'd just ask him to hold me.

 

When I was a kid, I remember having a dream after a terrible day at home. And in the dream, the guy I had affection for just "hugged" me. No words, no tears, all I wanted him to do is hold me.

 

So, you turn towards your SO to give you comfort, not turn away from them, IMO.

 

i remember ringing my first boyfriend when i had a bad day at school....kids wouldnt sit next to me on the bus or made fun of me or made me feel rotten about myself..they developed a knowledge of ignoring me when i spoke to them was effective in taking me to the lowest point i can go.

 

 

 

i would call him to say hello...wouldnt really tell him what had happened......just to speak to him would make all the difference.....and he played the song blue eyes after our convo i rang him at work he was a dj...he knew i was having a rough day.......those actions...those words he would say to me hsi warmth...made a difference....lifted my heart.....lol...its crazy what you remember......most relationships i have had a real investment in or for have been that way.......warm understanding intuitive.....thoughtful..compassionate....these guys are blessings honestly...ill never forget....too bad my parents scared him off with the age thing......he was a gift for me......helped me through a really bad time........made me feel worthy of love.....maybe god knew that......deb

[oleggy]

i remember ringing my first boyfriend when i had a bad day at school....kids wouldnt sit next to me on the bus or made fun of me or made me feel rotten about myself..they developed a knowledge of ignoring me when i spoke to them was effective in taking me to the lowest point i can go.

 

 

 

i would call him to say hello...wouldnt really tell him what had happened......just to speak to him would make all the difference.....and he played the song blue eyes after our convo i rang him at work he was a dj...he knew i was having a rough day.......those actions...those words he would say to me hsi warmth...made a difference....lifted my heart.....lol...its crazy what you remember......most relationships i have had a real investment in or for have been that way.......warm understanding intuitive.....thoughtful..compassionate....these guys are blessings honestly...ill never forget....too bad my parents scared him off with the age thing......he was a gift for me......helped me through a really bad time........made me feel worthy of love.....maybe god knew that......deb

 

Thanks for sharing personal experience. I see i have lots to learn just by that example. It's not always in getting to know what the problem is and talk open about it. Now i feel it's more in knowing the person and seeing the signs, then just try talk mundane things or anything else at all. Just feeling you have your SO with you in the moment i see can bring huge comfort just that alone.

 

i guess i get too caught up in worrying on her behalf that i lose the ability to think of other things, like just keeping a normal conversation to get her thoughts off it for now. And give loving words at the right time at least too...

[todreaminblue]

Thanks for sharing personal experience. I see i have lots to learn just by that example. It's not always in getting to know what the problem is and talk open about it. Now i feel it's more in knowing the person and seeing the signs, then just try talk mundane things or anything else at all. Just feeling you have your SO with you in the moment i see can bring huge comfort just that alone.

 

i guess i get too caught up in worrying on her behalf that i lose the ability to think of other things, like just keeping a normal conversation to get her thoughts off it for now. And give loving words at the right time at least too...

 

 

you cant force someone into opening up ....or some people anyway.....

 

with me when i open up about hard things or rough days ....i have two things on my mind...one is.....i am weak and should be able to handle it myself....the other is...i dont want to get anyone in trouble or bias anothers thinking of someone else.....

 

so ill call someone i care about and ask how their day was......or how they are....and if that person knows me they can tell im off......i have had it bad or something bad has happened.....and eventually i might say part of it.....or i might not.....

 

just the warmth from that person that i get....maybe even a smile or two to break the tears i feel....is enough to lift my spirit a little.......facing problems head on is ok...if the other person feels the same way....sometimes just being there is all that is needed....a strong person who doesnt often show weakness.....will work it out herself....eventually...

 

 

just be there...as you are soldier...as you are...she is lucky to have you......and she probably knows it hence you deserve better...because she thinks your wonderful..deb

[oleggy]

you cant force someone into opening up ....or some people anyway.....

 

with me when i open up about hard things or rough days ....i have two things on my mind...one is.....i am weak and should be able to handle it myself....the other is...i dont want to get anyone in trouble or bias anothers thinking of someone else.....

 

so ill call someone i care about and ask how their day was......or how they are....and if that person knows me they can tell im off......i have had it bad or something bad has happened.....and eventually i might say part of it.....or i might not.....

 

just the warmth from that person that i get....maybe even a smile or two to break the tears i feel....is enough to lift my spirit a little.......facing problems head on is ok...if the other person feels the same way....sometimes just being there is all that is needed....a strong person who doesnt often show weakness.....will work it out herself....eventually...

 

 

just be there...as you are soldier...as you are...she is lucky to have you......and she probably knows it hence you deserve better...because she thinks your wonderful..deb

 

Thanks so much, you have no idea how much enlightenment i received when i could fully grasp what you where getting at. You shown me truly the effect of the effect of communication skills. And how small adjustments with the initial contact(I.e starting off positive/netrual subjects) can be of comfort and relieve stress or so, then sooner or later small bits and pieces will come along the way of the true problem.

 

That's the exact same thing i've seen with her, when i manage to keep my worries down(i constantly worry for her welbeing, as she had a cardiac arrest before because electroshock and all mentioned) and keep a normal convo, she actually does drop the bits and pieces quite easily if i give her time. So thanks alot for the enlightenment, and those encouraging words in the end :)

[Gloria25]

you cant force someone into opening up ....or some people anyway.....

 

with me when i open up about hard things or rough days ....i have two things on my mind...one is.....i am weak and should be able to handle it myself....the other is...i dont want to get anyone in trouble or bias anothers thinking of someone else.....

 

so ill call someone i care about and ask how their day was......or how they are....and if that person knows me they can tell im off......i have had it bad or something bad has happened.....and eventually i might say part of it.....or i might not.....

 

just the warmth from that person that i get....maybe even a smile or two to break the tears i feel....is enough to lift my spirit a little.......facing problems head on is ok...if the other person feels the same way....sometimes just being there is all that is needed....a strong person who doesnt often show weakness.....will work it out herself....eventually...

 

 

just be there...as you are soldier...as you are...she is lucky to have you......and she probably knows it hence you deserve better...because she thinks your wonderful..deb

 

I pretty much do that too...

 

Instead of going off and blabbing about my woes, I try to spare my friends and whomever I'm dating about it. I'll turn it over to asking more about them and what they're up to.

[todreaminblue]

I pretty much do that too...

 

Instead of going off and blabbing about my woes, I try to spare my friends and whomever I'm dating about it. I'll turn it over to asking more about them and what they're up to.

even on here you get the phrase debbie downer and how nobody likes a debbie downer....i actually think the phrase sucks....;0)...it has to suck because i am a debbie....and no one can ever say im a downer.......i lift spirits.....or try too anyway...smilin atcha gloria....deb