I really love her...

[M5dinan]

Alright so i met this girl, age 25, I'm 20. We've been talking for 2 months. Here are the details of our relationship: Went out a lot, held hands, had a lot of sex, she spent the night at my place. And pretty much talked everyday. Well shes always said the age thing is somewhat bothering her, so recently two weeks ago she texted me saying this isnt working out because shes unsure if its gonna work and she cant be 100% committed with the thought in her head and that we're in different stages of life. She said it would be worse if we continue and end up still being unsure. "We've gotten pretty intimate, and I like you and youre a great guy". I got super attached to her which sucks! So we met the following week to talk in person and try and work it out, but she just made up her mind about the whole age gap even though i told her how I felt. Anyways after week, (yesterday), she texted me hey hows it going. And we pretty much talked for a bit, she sent me some site shes like oh you should check this site out they got good music whatever. Anyways we texted a few times after that and talked on the phone until she started ignoring me a little. She said "sorry going to the movies ill ttyl". She posted a picture looking beautiful and all ready to go out. But she went her with friend that im not worried about. It killed my night so I decided to talk to her the next day about whats going on. She said "nothing has changed since. No im not seeing someone. We can be friends but youre not ready. You need a break from me to clear you mind a bit." I said if were friends does it mean we go out out and have "fun". She said "stop overthinking and go with the flow". I recently hooked up with this girl and I literally cried while the girl was at my place. Its so hard.

 

So question is: I was planning on texting her in 2 weeks and hang out. I want to know if there is a chance of us working out in the future? I dont want to be just friends because i dont wanna get the text "sorry i was hanging out with this guy, went over to his place and watched a movie". That'll kill me. Is there anyway I can try and make it work?

 

Also what does she mean go with the flow? Does she want Friends with benefits? I know Im not ready for that right now. Maybe in a month if im over her by then.

 

Oh also I really dont want to give up trying. Because what we had was amazing. I want to fight for it or else I feel like I gave up on it too fast.

Edited December 12, 2014 by M5dinan

[SweetKat]

Look five years is not a big deal if you were 25 and she were 30. Things start evening out in terms of life stages by then. But a 20 year old man is still very adolescent in his thinking and feeling. She has needs you cannot meet, and you cannot even percieve them due to your youth. The stage of bunny sex you equals. But once she starts thinking about.... a date to her work Holiday Party or New Years Eve with her friends. She suddenly realizes that you are too young for her right now. You cannot even have a legal drink with her.

 

Give it two years and she will feel much more interested in the maturing man.

[pank]

Same thing happened to me when I was your age, dated a 24 year old when I was 20 for 4 months. I thought the relationship was going somewhere but it turns out that she just wanted to have fun. Don't worry your still young, theres plenty of girls out there that is better and willing to commit to you.

[M5dinan]

Look five years is not a big deal if you were 25 and she were 30. Things start evening out in terms of life stages by then. But a 20 year old man is still very adolescent in his thinking and feeling. She has needs you cannot meet, and you cannot even percieve them due to your youth. The stage of bunny sex you equals. But once she starts thinking about.... a date to her work Holiday Party or New Years Eve with her friends. She suddenly realizes that you are too young for her right now. You cannot even have a legal drink with her.

 

Give it two years and she will feel much more interested in the maturing man.

 

I've told her that. That the stage is different right now. But it will balance out in a few more years. Im in school got one more year left and then I start my career right after college. I turn 21 in a month. I really dont want to lose her and want to keep trying. I'm willing to put a lot more effort for this specific person considering what we had was amazing. Maybe shes unsure in that I go to a school with a lot of attractive women and a lot of parties. But I'm honestly over that/been over that.

[Narcolept]

I don't think she's worried about you meeting pretty girls at your school. Listen to what she tells you. She said that she doesn't think you're ready to be friends and that you need time to clear your mind of her. I think she's got a pretty good read on things.

 

About whether you should fight for it, well that's your choice. But personally....I can see where she's coming from. I'm not that much older than you but think back to high school. 3 years ago you were 18. Now you're almost 21. It's been a big change right? Now imagine that change 3 years in the future I think what SweetKat is getting at is that as we get older, we don't change as quickly. When you're in your 30s and 40s, 5 years isn't that much of a difference. But in your teens and early 20s, you're still changing a lot as a person. Maybe she still sees you at an earlier stage and that emotionally and in terms of life experiences, you're not on the same level as her.

 

I'm not saying you're immature. But just think of it if you were 21 and dating a 17 year old high schooler. Think of all the things that they wouldn't have experienced that you would be leading them through for the first time. And how you might want someone closer to your own age whom you could share those experiences with as an equal. She might feel the same toward you.

 

I understand that you want to fight for it. But you should make a decision sooner rather than later whether to go all in or NC. Because dragging your face on the pavement like you are now is no fun at all . I know what you're going through because it feels like it's so close within your grasp but not quite. But in the meantime, every small blip or roadbump or the idea of her seeing another guy hurts like hell.

 

If you wanna fight for it, give it one last shot. Tell her again how you feel and talk to her about any way that you guys can make it work. If not, then gracefully bow out and say that you need some space and time to get yourself sorted, aka NC. If she means well for you, she'll understand and give that to you. And you can get down to the business of being ready for the next person who comes your way.

[M5dinan]

I don't think she's worried about you meeting pretty girls at your school. Listen to what she tells you. She said that she doesn't think you're ready to be friends and that you need time to clear your mind of her. I think she's got a pretty good read on things.

 

About whether you should fight for it, well that's your choice. But personally....I can see where she's coming from. I'm not that much older than you but think back to high school. 3 years ago you were 18. Now you're almost 21. It's been a big change right? Now imagine that change 3 years in the future I think what SweetKat is getting at is that as we get older, we don't change as quickly. When you're in your 30s and 40s, 5 years isn't that much of a difference. But in your teens and early 20s, you're still changing a lot as a person. Maybe she still sees you at an earlier stage and that emotionally and in terms of life experiences, you're not on the same level as her.

 

I'm not saying you're immature. But just think of it if you were 21 and dating a 17 year old high schooler. Think of all the things that they wouldn't have experienced that you would be leading them through for the first time. And how you might want someone closer to your own age whom you could share those experiences with as an equal. She might feel the same toward you.

 

I understand that you want to fight for it. But you should make a decision sooner rather than later whether to go all in or NC. Because dragging your face on the pavement like you are now is no fun at all . I know what you're going through because it feels like it's so close within your grasp but not quite. But in the meantime, every small blip or roadbump or the idea of her seeing another guy hurts like hell.

 

If you wanna fight for it, give it one last shot. Tell her again how you feel and talk to her about any way that you guys can make it work. If not, then gracefully bow out and say that you need some space and time to get yourself sorted, aka NC. If she means well for you, she'll understand and give that to you. And you can get down to the business of being ready for the next person who comes your way.

 

Thank you for your response! You basically mention points the same thing she said pretty much. Now I was wondering. In terms of going all in, what should I do? Or what would I do? I really want to text her.

 

Last time we talked was on Sunday which was me telling her how i feel being friends (saying that its hard). She basically said "I'm not trying to hurt you. Youre dwelling on this which is hurting you. You're making it hard on me too. You need to let go. You need a break from me to clear your mind".

[Narcolept]

Hmm maybe all in was a bad choice of words. I'm not too experienced so hopefully someone else chimes in too. What I meant was to give it a last shot before going NC. Because if you give yourself the option, you'll take the "just friends" route to stay in her life. Which will just prolong the pain.

 

I'll be doing the same in about a week. Ask her to sit down and talk things through. You've probably talked it out before but just make this the "last call" of sorts. And if it's something she doesn't want to try then.....you just gotta let it go.

[M5dinan]

Hmm maybe all in was a bad choice of words. I'm not too experienced so hopefully someone else chimes in too. What I meant was to give it a last shot before going NC. Because if you give yourself the option, you'll take the "just friends" route to stay in her life. Which will just prolong the pain.

 

I'll be doing the same in about a week. Ask her to sit down and talk things through. You've probably talked it out before but just make this the "last call" of sorts. And if it's something she doesn't want to try then.....you just gotta let it go.

 

Well we currently havent texted (havent responded to her long text from Sunday). It bugs me so much. I constantly wonder what shes doing, who shes with, is she on a date? I was thinking of texting her when I get back in town from school next week. And then ask her to come over and hang out. We can watch a movie or whatever and then I can bring up the topic. And say like "Will things change in the near future of whether youre sure or not? Otherwise I really cant be friends, I wouldnt be able to see you with someone else" This would be the 3rd and last shot.

[M5dinan]

Would it be a horrible idea to order flowers to be sent to her work. I'd put a note saying something that hope these brighten your day. Not really expecting anything in return. Is it creepy? Weird to do so?

[Simon Phoenix]

Would it be a horrible idea to order flowers to be sent to her work. I'd put a note saying something that hope these brighten your day. Not really expecting anything in return. Is it creepy? Weird to do so?

 

Yes, that's a tragically awful idea. You might as well be swallowing a grenade if you do something like that.

[M5dinan]

Yes, that's a tragically awful idea. You might as well be swallowing a grenade if you do something like that.

 

Lolll wow. Alright. Well I guess I wont do that then. But why is it bad? Because its creepy? Im just trying to be nice. I didnt take the break up well. I just wanna say like hope youre doing well or something along those lines

[erklat]

Same thing happened to me when I was your age, dated a 24 year old when I was 20 for 4 months. I thought the relationship was going somewhere but it turns out that she just wanted to have fun. Don't worry your still young, theres plenty of girls out there that is better and willing to commit to you.

 

Story of my life. Unfortunately I fell in love by that time.

[erklat]

Would it be a horrible idea to order flowers to be sent to her work. I'd put a note saying something that hope these brighten your day. Not really expecting anything in return. Is it creepy? Weird to do so?

 

You don't want to be THAT dude who sent flowers to his ex.

 

Trust me.

[M5dinan]

You don't want to be THAT dude who sent flowers to his ex.

 

Trust me.

 

Damn alright. Flowers are out of the picture lol

[Simon Phoenix]

Lolll wow. Alright. Well I guess I wont do that then. But why is it bad? Because its creepy? Im just trying to be nice. I didnt take the break up well. I just wanna say like hope youre doing well or something along those lines

 

It's creepy, it's clingy, it's going to make her uncomfortable. Pretty much any negative reaction you can imagine is what could happen. It's manipulative and it shows an utter lack of respect for what she wants. She wants you to be gone, she doesn't want you to make a facepalm-worthy grand gesture.

 

It's the next step below stalking. Do not do it. This is real life, not a Hollywood romantic comedy.

[M5dinan]

It's creepy, it's clingy, it's going to make her uncomfortable. Pretty much any negative reaction you can imagine is what could happen. It's manipulative and it shows an utter lack of respect for what she wants. She wants you to be gone, she doesn't want you to make a facepalm-worthy grand gesture.

 

It's the next step below stalking. Do not do it. This is real life, not a Hollywood romantic comedy.

 

Awesome! Thanks for the reply! Definitely wont be doing that.

[Simon Phoenix]

Awesome! Thanks for the reply! Definitely wont be doing that.

 

It's good you asked instead of just doing it. In my younger days I made a similar grand gesture (not flowers, but writing love poems on an ex's dry erase board outside of her dorm room). Let's just say I would have been equally as effective taking a dump in a paper bag and lighting it on fire outside of her room.

[M5dinan]

It's good you asked instead of just doing it. In my younger days I made a similar grand gesture (not flowers, but writing love poems on an ex's dry erase board outside of her dorm room). Let's just say I would have been equally as effective taking a dump in a paper bag and lighting it on fire outside of her room.

 

Hahahah wow. Well thanks again for your input. Let me tell you something about her i forgot to include. So her period was late which during thanksgiving break she said she finally got it. She told me she got it a day before we met up and had the discussion. So last week she had texted as i had mentioned. And the next day she wanted to talk to me on the phone. I pick she said "so you know how ive been moody lately? Well Its still because i havent gotten my period. Im not pregnant. I have taken two tests.I didnt want to scare you saying i still didnt get it." Its just like why would you contact me to tell me that. ..

[SycamoreCircle]

Go with the flow means do what I want when I want it you have no say and your feelings don't count.

 

Remember, OP, you're the immature one here. At least, according to her.

 

What BS. Listen, this girl is not what you're looking for. I know you're into her and you guys had megaton bomb sex, but she is not emotionally in a place ripe for a relationship. At least not with you.

 

I guarantee if you stick around you will get played.

 

If you pull back completely, vanquish all emotional need, you might get to hook up with her a few more times. But TRUST ME, her radar is out. And any guy who has a year on you is going to bury you.

 

I'm sorry OP but guys in their early 20's have it tough. The women who are most available to you are usually in high-school. My advice: emotionally back away from this, manage your feelings, hook up with her if you can handle it(doubtful) and begin looking for someone younger than yourself.

[M5dinan]

Go with the flow means do what I want when I want it you have no say and your feelings don't count.

 

Remember, OP, you're the immature one here. At least, according to her.

 

What BS. Listen, this girl is not what you're looking for. I know you're into her and you guys had megaton bomb sex, but she is not emotionally in a place ripe for a relationship. At least not with you.

 

I guarantee if you stick around you will get played.

 

If you pull back completely, vanquish all emotional need, you might get to hook up with her a few more times. But TRUST ME, her radar is out. And any guy who has a year on you is going to bury you.

 

I'm sorry OP but guys in their early 20's have it tough. The women who are most available to you are usually in high-school. My advice: emotionally back away from this, manage your feelings, hook up with her if you can handle it(doubtful) and begin looking for someone younger than yourself.

 

Thanks! And it makes sense. She even said it. She cant be fully committed. In our talk she slipped and said "ill still be looking around" I was like Im sorry whatd you say? And she tried to change up what she said. Definitely understand what youre saying. Yeah i told myself if i want to hook up with her again I have to cut the emotions out completely and see other people. Kinda like friends with benefits right? Go out, have a drink, "hook up" yet meet other people and not tied down. But that usually ends up in a emotions.

[SycamoreCircle]

The fact that you're on LS hashing this out indicates to me you would be better off spending your energy elsewhere. In other words, I just think there's too much at stake for you. Disappear. Count this as practice for someone who wants to give you their time.

[Narcolept]

I wouldn't be that harsh on her. I think she's being pretty clear about what's good for you: Taking a break from her. At least she's not trying to rope you into the "I know you like me but let's just be friends so I can keep you around" abyss.

 

About the whole flowers thing....yeah....You're appearing clingy and look at the kind of statement you're making to her and to yourself. To her, you're saying "Please please please please please don't go. I know you're not interested but I'm going to make these grand gestures anyway." To yourself you're saying "I'm willing to keep putting myself through extended pain in the hopes that something works out......any day now" Alright, so there are times that you should fight for a relationship. It's no good to give up on something the instant something doesn't go the way you want it to.

 

But on the other hand, you should also learn to recognize when something won't go the way you thought it would and also when you're causing yourself more pain than is healthy for you. Do you want to keep wondering about where she is and who she's seeing all the time? Eventually she's going to move on and it'll chew you up even more.

 

It might have been great but you should take a step back to think about whether this is good for you and if it'll work. So far.....it doesn't seem like it. Maybe you should give it a last shot before calling it quits.

 

note: about friends with benefits.....yeah that'll just **** you up even more. I think lots of us have lied to ourselves at some point that we wouldn't get attached. And then it bites you in the ass lol.

[SycamoreCircle]

Whether or not you're hard on her, this is ultimately about you, your decision. You can't control what she does.

 

What has she decided? She's going to maybe kinda' no, not really keep you to the side. She's going to look for other, more "eligible" men.

 

Where does that leave you?

 

Hurt and agonizing.

 

Walk away from this with dignity.

[M5dinan]

Whether or not you're hard on her, this is ultimately about you, your decision. You can't control what she does.

 

What has she decided? She's going to maybe kinda' no, not really keep you to the side. She's going to look for other, more "eligible" men.

 

Where does that leave you?

 

Hurt and agonizing.

 

Walk away from this with dignity.

 

Everyday its getting easier and easier. Im not thinking AS MUCH as I was initially. And yes youre right. "Where does that leave you?". Yeah pretty much left stranded with emotions attached to her.