Overwhelmed and Need to Vent

[QRT]

i can honestly say I never thought I could end up in this situation, as the OW. I met and started seeing a MM 8 months ago. like so many of these stories go, he tells me he loves me and wants to marry me, but he can't leave his marriage because of his 4 kids.

 

I have never loved anyone like this before and honestly believe we should be together. I am trying to accept staying with him but his youngest of 4 kids is only 10 years old. Prior to meeting him he separated from his wife for about a year but went back because his kids were having trouble with the separation and he couldn't afford to live separately and was taking on huge debts to cover his family at home in addition the cost of living alone. He doesn't make much money and his wife doesn't work to stay at home with their kids.

 

I feel completely overwhelmed. Occasionally we go on each other's business trips, and we manage to see each other 5-6 days a week, even if it's just for coffee. (We work close to each other.) We usually manage to have 1-2 afternoons or mornings a week at my place due to our flexible schedules.

 

That said, I feel like we have to at least try given how we both feel. To add more complications, I'm 38 and we'd like to have kids. We have actually discussed getting pregnant but decided against it because it would add rather than relieve the complexity. But I'm not getting any younger, and 8 years from now will be too late. Now we are discussing a plan for 2 years, which still seems too late, but at least one of his children would have left home and two of the three left at home would be in HS.

 

I can't believe I'm even writing this. Or entertaining this. But the thought is in 2 years I would get pregnant and he would leave (more likely the BW would kick him out) and he claims he would not feel as guilty not being there everyday because one kid would be gone, and at least 2 would be more self sufficient teenagers.

 

He tells me he wants to leave and I believe him. but I came to this forum recently and reading the stories has created real doubts. It would still be hard because His family would probably get 60-70 of his salary for alimony and support. I am not too worried about money, but I am very concerned after coming to this forum that I'll wait and hold on for 2 or more years and get my heart broken. I want to believe we are different but I can't be sure.

 

That you for letting me get that off my chest

[veryhappy]

Please don't stay. At 38 you should be trying to conceive tomorrow, not in two years. Separated men are married men, and he's gone back and he will likely go back and all it's on your mind is his family situation. Your family situation has been postponed for two years hanging on the thinnest thread possible. Will he leave? Unlikely. Will you be a mess if he doesn't. Yes, a childless mess. End things with him, go no contact and if in two years you are still available and he is ready for baby and divorced it can happen. But don't put your life on hold and do not wait for him.

[Sassy Girl]

He isn't leaving. And at you're age fertility declines RAPIDLY ... 8 months? Seriously?? It's not going to happen.

 

He HAS children. Unlikely he wants more. Cut off sex. Tell him no more until he's divorced. Stop letting him eat cake. You'll get your answer. Right now he doesn't need to make a decision while you give him cake.

[whichwayisup]

He is never going to leave and divorce. He has four kids, a wife who stays home and tends to the children and their house. (Nothing wrong with that either as many couples do this)

 

I can't believe I'm even writing this. Or entertaining this. But the thought is in 2 years I would get pregnant and he would leave (more likely the BW would kick him out) and he claims he would not feel as guilty not being there everyday because one kid would be gone, and at least 2 would be more self sufficient teenagers.

 

This has to be the worst idea. Don't get pregnant by him. It will only make things more stressful and it's not like his wife and other kids will magically disappear - ALL of them will be in YOUR life forever. He is always going to have to see and deal with his wife if they do divorce, so it's not like she will disappear from your lives. Plus, if the reason why the split up is because you got pregnant, then no way will she allow their kids anywhere near you. She'll take him to court, he'll not only have to pay child support, but also spousal support. Do you want so much baggage in your life? IF one day you do end up with him, you ready to be step mom to four kids that will probably resent and hate you?

 

You only know him in an affair setting, so who knows if what you have is strong enough to get through all the bad stuff and hard stuff just waiting around the corner.

 

Really think this through before choosing to get pregnant by him.

[MuddyFootprints]

Please start planning a different way to conceive if you want to be a mom. You are just asking for a world of hurt if you are counting on this person to be an active and full-time father to your child.

[FusionCutter]

Don't confuse "I want to leave." with "I am going to leave." and then following up with concrete actions.

 

If he wants to be with you, he would make it happen. It's really simple. He would just do it. Don't hang onto sweet nothings and empty words of air and ruin your future.

[Mascara]

This man is going to steal your child bearing years. If he doesn't leave when you're 40, you'll need to spend a couple of years meeting and forming a relationship with someone else - you will have written off any chance of having a child.

[I'mNotYours]

End things with him, go no contact and if in two years you are still available and he is ready for baby and divorced it can happen. But don't put your life on hold and do not wait for him.

 

x2

 

Good advice.

[goodyblue]

I was OW as well. My guy and I have ended up together so I feel justified in giving you this advice: Run.

 

If he was going to leave he would have a timeline, a plan in place and would be moving toward these goals. The one sure way to know he does not plan to leave is that his wife cannot support herself and he won't leave his kids to live in poverty.

 

An affair is a selfish thing anyway but for him to waste these last few years of your child bearing age makes me want to punch him in the face. He is actively stealing your future!! Any man who loved you would want to build a future with you, not take yours away!!

 

You deserve the things in life that you desire, don't let this (or any) man take that from you.

 

Best of luck!!

Edited December 12, 2014 by goodyblue

[gettingstronger]

No, no and no- do not waste one more minute on this relationship- your goals are so different from each others- this is not good for you- at all!

[Ruffian1]

May I ask how old MM is?

[thechild]

I feel completely overwhelmed. Occasionally we go on each other's business trips, and we manage to see each other 5-6 days a week, even if it's just for coffee. (We work close to each other.) We usually manage to have 1-2 afternoons or mornings a week at my place due to our flexible schedules.

 

That said, I feel like we have to at least try given how we both feel. To add more complications, I'm 38 and we'd like to have kids. We have actually discussed getting pregnant but decided against it because it would add rather than relieve the complexity. But I'm not getting any younger, and 8 years from now will be too late. Now we are discussing a plan for 2 years, which still seems too late, but at least one of his children would have left home and two of the three left at home would be in HS.

 

I can't believe I'm even writing this. Or entertaining this. But the thought is in 2 years I would get pregnant and he would leave (more likely the BW would kick him out) and he claims he would not feel as guilty not being there everyday because one kid would be gone, and at least 2 would be more self sufficient teenagers.

 

I don't want to sound insensitive, but this needs to be said. Understand that none of what I am about to type is meant to be an insult, though it may sting.

 

You are not emotionally ready to be a mother. Parenthood requires that the child's needs be almost constantly put above your own. It's been over twenty four hours since you had a few hours sleep? Tough luck. The baby has a 103 degree fever and won't sleep unless she's on your chest. You really, really want a new outfit to help you feel feminine? Better make sure your kid has everything she needs first. You want to spend a day doing nothing but laze around? Not going to happen. The baby needs to be fed, the diaper laundry needs done, the baby wants to play and needs to be supervised, the house needs to be cleaned to maintain a safe environment... It goes on and on.

 

You're already doing your would be child a disservice by not considering the horrible situation you'd be putting her in from the get go. Her half siblings would likely resent her because your MM will have chosen you and your child over them and their mom. Her father would have to split his time and money between his two sets of children. And she would have a horrible father in him regardless. Every time this man redirects his money, his time, and his emotional energy to you he is taking it away from his wife and children. He has already proven to you that he is a bad father. (The teenagers would be more independent so it would be ok for him to bail out? Ha! The teenagers would need therapy. They would be just beginning to experiment with how relationships with the opposite sex operate and their home life would be a wreck. Not that your MM cares, apparently.)

 

If you are serious about having children, cut your MM off and get yourself some therapy. Once you are emotionally healthy, try for a baby then. If you can't conceive, try for an adoption. But do not bring an innocent child into that awful situation.

Edited December 12, 2014 by thechild

[stillmind]

In addition to what others have said, I would like to point out that if MM was at all serious about separating/divorcing in the future you would be seeing action now. If their youngest is 10 and the kids are attending regular school (which I am assuming they are, as you stated the older kids are/will be in high school) there is no reason for his wife to be a full time SAHM.

 

The reason she's still a stay at home mom is -- this is how their marriage works and it's working just fine for them, no matter what he tells you.

 

If he was at all serious about divorcing in the future there would be some action taken towards getting his wife a job and that action would be taken NOW. If he couldn't support himself, a wife and four kids living in separate homes what in the world makes you think he could support you, your child, his wife and his four other children all in separate homes??? Financially if he left it would be a catastrophe. He's not going to leave.

 

Don't have a kid with this man. Don't bring a kid into this mess.

[Be_Strong]

Your MM has zero incentive to change his situation. He has his nice home life with his wife caring for and taking care of his kids, and he has you on the side providing him with the extra sex/romance he desires. Why would he ever upset this balance? He's already faced the hard reality of divorce and learned that it would be financially crippling for him. So he's not going to go down that path again.

 

I have no doubt he has strong feelings for you, but if push came to shove, he would choose keeping his family together over you. He will tell you absolutely everything and anything to keep stringing you along for as long as possible to keep the status quo. Because the status quo is the optimal situation for him. He's not purposefully trying to be cruel to you, it's merely selfish behavior where he is rationalizing his behavior and likely lying to himself as well just like he is doing with the underlying affair to his wife.

[Quiet Storm]

You are allowing your feelings to drive your choices, which is a common mistake.

 

Lets think about this logically

 

1) At 38, your fertility is dramatically decreasing. By age 40, you will only have an approximate 45% chance of having a baby if you try for a year. Approximately 1/100 babies born to age 40 women have Downs Syndrome.

 

2) Even if your MM had grown up kids, he would still be unlikely to leave. Kids are a valid reason to stay married, so it's often used as a convenient excuse that MMs know OW will believe. Even if MM knows that he never intends to divorce, the "kids" excuse works to keep you there until you give up on him.

 

3) For many women, we think "I love this man, I must be with him". Men in affairs rarely think like that. Loving OW simply means he loves OW - it doesn't mean he loves OW and wants to get divorced and build a life with her. You value the feelings and connection, as does he, but you have an expectation that he will leave his marriage. He already has an established life and this rarely happens.

 

4) Once an affair relationship has been established, a MM usually wants to extend it as long as possible. It is not easy to find someone who is willing to be in an affair. Most women want no parts of it. So when a MM does find a willing OW, he will do and say what's needed to keep her in the affair. Often, this involves promising action months or years in the future. It involves no action or effort to make a promise, so it's the perfect way to keep OW there and happy (as she is thinking her sacrifice will finally pay off). He avoids conflict, so he will likely never admit "I'm not leaving". He will just keep promising until OW finally realizes he's full of it. Most MM accept that OW will get tired of it eventually, but decide to enjoy OW while she's still willing to participate. (Nice, isn't it? Especially if your child bearing years are passing by and you want to be a mom.) Before OW knows it, years go by.

 

Just like you, most OW want to hang in there because they see the relationship as a once in a lifetime connection. They feel like MM genuinely loves her. They can feel that love in his interactions with her. Because of this, many OW feel that waiting is worth it. They think MM won't let her down. The sad truth is that most MM can love the OW passionately and still not want to leave. He loves his family, too, and he often values that love more than the love with OW. So even if MM think that in two years they can leave, when it comes down to it, most won't. They will see the romantic love with OW as an extra indulgence, and his family love as essential- his history, his legacy.

 

I know you want to have faith in him and your love, but you will be taking a huge risk if you wait for him. If it really is a dream of yours to be a mom, a married guy is not a smart choice for a relationship.

[Justcuzitis]

I don't know the particulars of what you posted other than, well, what you posted. I don't know if the promises are real or not. I can say, that at least when I was involved, I never made those kinds of promises. Having said that, here goes.

 

I don't think it makes sense for anyone to hold on to a relationship that isn't going anywhere. Your relationship, however intense, however strong, however emotional, isn't going anywhere. I get how strongly you feel. Believe me, I get how strongly you feel, but at some point you also have to look at your own life. You have to take charge of your life. Do you want a huge regret 5 years from now. How do you know that someone more compatible isn't out there right now. Look, the MM may have the best of intentions. I frankly don't doubt that one bit, but wanting to do something and doing it are two very different things. Then, assuming he does leave, are you prepared to deal with the "aftermath". I mean really deal with it. Angry children, spurn, resentment from all involved.

 

Breaking up isn't easy. Again, lord knows I know how difficult it can be. But through pain comes clarity. It's not going to be instantaneous, but living your life happy with someone who is really invested in you 5 years from now is better than a "what if"... 5 years from now.

 

Ultimately the choice is yours. So many people offer advice so to speak on here blaming, judgmental, the truth of the situation is that both of you made the decision to be involved in this relationship - right or wrong. Both of you chose to continue the relationship. Both of you decided on meeting daily, talking, increasing the attachment. However, ending that same relationship only requires the consent of one party. Are you going to going to leave that in the hands of your partner?

[georgia girl]

You are allowing your feelings to drive your choices, which is a common mistake.

 

Lets think about this logically

 

1) At 38, your fertility is dramatically decreasing. By age 40, you will only have an approximate 45% chance of having a baby if you try for a year. Approximately 1/100 babies born to age 40 women have Downs Syndrome.

 

2) Even if your MM had grown up kids, he would still be unlikely to leave. Kids are a valid reason to stay married, so it's often used as a convenient excuse that MMs know OW will believe. Even if MM knows that he never intends to divorce, the "kids" excuse works to keep you there until you give up on him.

 

3) For many women, we think "I love this man, I must be with him". Men in affairs rarely think like that. Loving OW simply means he loves OW - it doesn't mean he loves OW and wants to get divorced and build a life with her. You value the feelings and connection, as does he, but you have an expectation that he will leave his marriage. He already has an established life and this rarely happens.

 

4) Once an affair relationship has been established, a MM usually wants to extend it as long as possible. It is not easy to find someone who is willing to be in an affair. Most women want no parts of it. So when a MM does find a willing OW, he will do and say what's needed to keep her in the affair. Often, this involves promising action months or years in the future. It involves no action or effort to make a promise, so it's the perfect way to keep OW there and happy (as she is thinking her sacrifice will finally pay off). He avoids conflict, so he will likely never admit "I'm not leaving". He will just keep promising until OW finally realizes he's full of it. Most MM accept that OW will get tired of it eventually, but decide to enjoy OW while she's still willing to participate. (Nice, isn't it? Especially if your child bearing years are passing by and you want to be a mom.) Before OW knows it, years go by.

 

Just like you, most OW want to hang in there because they see the relationship as a once in a lifetime connection. They feel like MM genuinely loves her. They can feel that love in his interactions with her. Because of this, many OW feel that waiting is worth it. They think MM won't let her down. The sad truth is that most MM can love the OW passionately and still not want to leave. He loves his family, too, and he often values that love more than the love with OW. So even if MM think that in two years they can leave, when it comes down to it, most won't. They will see the romantic love with OW as an extra indulgence, and his family love as essential- his history, his legacy.

 

I know you want to have faith in him and your love, but you will be taking a huge risk if you wait for him. If it really is a dream of yours to be a mom, a married guy is not a smart choice for a relationship.

 

 

Listen to this and to Goodyblue. They offer very good, non-judgmental advice. You are trading your choice to be a mom vs. your choice to be with him. You can't look at it any other way. If you're willing to make that trade for the risky proposition that it will work out, then that's a choice you should make knowingly and willingly. Don't lie to yourself and tell yourself that you can have both. You really can't. You have to reconcile within yourself if having him is worth your dream of being a mom and if it is, then let go completely of the idea of being a mom without resentment. Move forward and don't hold it against him if you're never a mom.

 

 

From a very different perspective than Goodyblue's, I also know of what I speak. I had to make the decision - at 38, ironically enough - to have a hysterectomy. I had tons of support from great medical practitioners who were willing to help get me as safely as possible through a pregnancy, but it was high-risk. I was anemic and really starting to get worn down. I had to make a choice: get my healthy self back (which meant stopping the bleeding permanently) or hold out just a bit longer to try and have a baby. I chose the hysterectomy (and met my husband-to-be just a short while later). I don't regret it. I buried the dream of being a mom the day I signed the consent papers. I knew what I was doing. When I ran a marathon a couple of years ago, I was so stinking proud of myself. A woman who couldn't have run one lap around the track just a year earlier.

 

 

Life is about hard choices sometimes. Making them takes courage and self-honesty. But once made, promise yourself not to live with regret. You get one short go-round. Make sure you don't regret it.

 

 

Hugs... it's a tough one. GG

[QRT]

Thank you to all of your for your replies. You have written a lot of things I needed to hear.

 

To answer some of the questions asked in your answers... The MM is 43. II've had kids before--I had full custody of my niece and nephew as a single aunt for 6 years, so I do understand what have a child entails. MM has presented me with a plan on his wife working. She went back to school to get a graduate degree recently and will be finished in 2+ years. He feels certain that this means his wife will start working post graduation. I have no idea if that is likely though for a SAHM to suddenly decide to work. I have my own money and while it would be tight, I could afford not to workk, before his support is even factored in, for a number of years.

 

Not making excuses just aswering some of the questions raised. Nothing says I should believe him, and yet I do. I really do believe he is staying to be with his kids and will leave but maybe that is just a lie.

[Quiet Storm]

That love for the kids that's making him stay now isn't going to evaporate in two years. He might think it will be easier then, but it won't be. No matter what the age, most people don't want to disappoint their kids. Guys often feel like divorce is a failure. So even if MM feels like he can leave in two years, he probably won't. Most men don't leave unless his wife is addicted, cheating or mentally ill, and even then they'll often stay. I know you have hope, and believe in him, but you need to be real with yourself. What will happen in two years when he doesn't leave? Will you be OK with not being a mom? Will you keep being the OW indefinitely? You are at a pivotal point in your life, so you need to consider the reality of what your life will be if he lets you down. I know you have hope and faith, but will you be OK with the most likely outcome of this, that he will not leave his marriage? It's a huge risk for you.

[whichwayisup]

MM has presented me with a plan on his wife working. She went back to school to get a graduate degree recently and will be finished in 2+ years. He feels certain that this means his wife will start working post graduation. I have no idea if that is likely though for a SAHM to suddenly decide to work. I have my own money and while it would be tight, I could afford not to workk, before his support is even factored in, for a number of years.

 

He can make all the promises to you he wants but the thing is, until his wife finds out and has a say in how her life goes, is planned, this is out of your hands completely. Everything can change once she finds out the truth about your affair. She may fight for him and he could very well be moved by her emotions, making him fall back in love with her, realizing what he could be giving up. He is in no position to guarantee you that in 2 years you two will be together. Just because he feels certain his wife will start working, doesn't mean it's gonna happen. He will still owe her spousal support and of course child support, even more so if she takes him to court.

 

He is giving you way too much hope. And for you to put your life on hold for two years on a 'possibility' of you ending up with him is a lot to ask of someone. Unless you're OK with waiting it out.

 

It would just be such a shame and a waste of your time, love and effort to have to go through all this for nothing. 2 years is a long time and anything can happen. What if he changes his mind? Or 2 years it doesn't happen and he tells you you'll have to wait another year.

[thechild]

Thank you to all of your for your replies. You have written a lot of things I needed to hear.

 

To answer some of the questions asked in your answers... The MM is 43. II've had kids before--I had full custody of my niece and nephew as a single aunt for 6 years, so I do understand what have a child entails. MM has presented me with a plan on his wife working. She went back to school to get a graduate degree recently and will be finished in 2+ years. He feels certain that this means his wife will start working post graduation. I have no idea if that is likely though for a SAHM to suddenly decide to work. I have my own money and while it would be tight, I could afford not to workk, before his support is even factored in, for a number of years.

 

Not making excuses just aswering some of the questions raised. Nothing says I should believe him, and yet I do. I really do believe he is staying to be with his kids and will leave but maybe that is just a lie.

 

Oh, well then never mind. You have six years worth of experience taking care of somebody else's kids, so you are clearly capable of magically protecting your hypothetical love child from the consequences of her parents' poor decisions. You may intellectually know what needs to be done while raising a child, but you are clearly ignoring it in these fantasies. Snap out of it, girl!

 

Look at it this way. The first and best gift you can give to your children is being choosy about who you allow to father them. Is this really the man you want to father your children? A man who is willing to walk out on his teenaged children, knowingly causing great damage to their psyche? A man who is willing to betray the woman cleaning his house, cooking his meals, raising his kids? Are you alright with your child having strained relationships with siblings that see both of you as nothing more than mere interlopers? Does the idea of your child's father having to choose which set of children to spend the holidays with unfaze you? Some people make blended families work, but it is never easy and it often damages the children involved in a bad way. And something tells me that it's even harder when the blended family is a direct result of infidelity. Why would you knowingly do this to your child?

[xxoo]

This man is married now. What he will do in two years is an unknown.

 

Tell him to contact you in two years, if he's single. By then, you may have moved on with someone else. Maybe that'll light a fire under his butt. Or maybe it'll show he isn't serious about you.

[jellybean89]

...but he can't leave his marriage because of his 4 kids.

 

I have never loved anyone like this before and honestly believe we should be together. I am trying to accept staying with him but his youngest of 4 kids is only 10 years old. Prior to meeting him he separated from his wife for about a year but went back because his kids were having trouble with the separation and he couldn't afford to live separately and was taking on huge debts to cover his family at home in addition the cost of living alone. He doesn't make much money and his wife doesn't work to stay at home with their kids.

 

I feel completely overwhelmed. Occasionally we go on each other's business trips, and we manage to see each other 5-6 days a week, even if it's just for coffee. (We work close to each other.) We usually manage to have 1-2 afternoons or mornings a week at my place due to our flexible schedules.

 

He tells me he wants to leave and I believe him. but I came to this forum recently and reading the stories has created real doubts. It would still be hard because His family would probably get 60-70 of his salary for alimony and support. I am not too worried about money, but I am very concerned after coming to this forum that I'll wait and hold on for 2 or more years and get my heart broken. I want to believe we are different but I can't be sure.

 

That you for letting me get that off my chest

 

FYI - you may not be able to get pregnant in 2 years. You never know what life throws at you. You have yet to deal with the loneliness of holidays. You know they reconciled...pretty sure having sex was part of that reconciliation.

 

You want to believe he is telling the truth. You are willing to take him by default, if his wife kicks him out --- those words from him alone should be a huge red flag...he doesn't care enough about you to leave...he wants to be kicked out. Pathetic and cowardly.

 

You talk about all the time you two spend together....yet, he allegedly stays married because of his kids? He seems to have a lot of spare time, yet he spends it with you and not his kids? He's loving life...wife takes care of the kids (cause he's off busy with you), takes care of the home (cause again, he's off busy with you) and then he gets attention, adoration and lots of sex from you. WHY would he change anything?

 

A man who loves a woman would NEVER ask her to wait .... he would NEVER want to see her hurt....he would NEVER want to subject her to sneaking around and being a booty call. That's lust, not love.

[whichwayisup]

I met and started seeing a MM 8 months ago.

 

You don't know this man too well. Less than a year.

 

Already you know he's a liar and a cheater, willing to string you along for 2 years, make you wait to have a baby at 40 instead of at 38. That is, if he actually leaves.

 

Look at what he's doing behind his wife's back. The woman he said vows to in front of their families and friends. The woman who gave birth to their four children - See how he's treating her? What makes you think he'll treat you any better. Don't feel you're more special or better than his wife.

 

I wish you luck and I hope you tell him goodbye. IF he wants you, he can divorce now and start making those plans and changes, not 2 years from now.

[GirlStillStrong]

^What everybody said up there^

 

Just want to add my two cents: Before I had a MM chasing me around, leading me to believe there was a future between us, telling me how unhappy he has been for so long in his marriage, filling my head full of all this stupid ****, I didn't HAVE this big dilemma (such as what you describe). There WAS no issue. Meaning he CREATED the issue and has brought it to me. He is a man who does not know how to be happy and does not know what to do about it. To me, the answer is unbelievably clear but to him it is one big, confusing mess.

 

Don't you see? They ALL say those sweet things, they ALL may even believe their own words. But you know in your gut, knew it even before you got started with this guy, that this was really iffy. But my main point is, if you're feeling distraught, torn, confused, etc, that's because HE brings that to you. You can expect more of the same with him in the future. It's much, much easier to work with an AVAILABLE guy than someone else's husband.