If she had wanted to marry, do I still have a chance?

[Lavidaesbella]

We are both in our mid twenties. I met her in college and went out with her for almost 5 years. We had amazing chemistry and were perfectly compatible. However around year 3 of the relationship she fell into deep depression and this was also when we had to go long distance due to work. (We did still fly to see each other once a month though)

 

However she was also able to pull through her depression and came out a stronger person by year 4. She then wanted to get married, but I wasn't ready to yet. It was hard for me to commit because my own parent's marriage was so bad. These two things started causing negative cycles. She started pulling away to shield herself from hurt because I was telling her I wasn't ready (it made her doubt herself). The more she pulled away the harder it was for me to show care and love and the cycle went downwards.

 

I also wasn't ready to commit because I would sometimes doubt our relationship just because sometimes it was so hard, but I always knew it in my heart that she was the one. Some months back I finally understood what true love really was at least for me. Loving someone no matter what (basically unwavering commitment not based on particular situations). To sum it up, I realized I wanted to marry her, and planned a surprise birthday party with some mutual friends. That weekend, the moment I landed I instantly felt something different. She had always gave me unconditional love, I just knew she loved me every moment, but this weekend was different.

 

She told me she wasn't sure anymore after everyone else left even after I told her I wanted to commit to her and work on getting married. She wanted space alone to think and thought about it for months then broke up with me last month. It is my belief that, after she became more secure in herself combined with me being hesitant got her to she slowly start to think: well I can easily get another person (she can, she's been approached by a large number of ppl in our 5 years). She lost attraction to me due to my hesitancy, our long distance causing intimacy to not be as present, and just the awareness of how many people are out there for her.

 

*I also feel it was my fault. While I do believe I was a very caring bf and truly did try to think from her perspective all the time, I did not give her the one thing I think she especially needed. The sense of absolute security and commitment.

 

I know everybody talks about the no contact rule. I have not talked to her since a month ago, to respect her wishes of having space. I know people will tell me to move on, but that is not what I want to do or will do. She means the absolute world to me. Total commitment to me means a lot and is why it took so long for me to give.

 

In the meantime, I have a motto: Breaking bad habits and Building good habits. Even though I am devastated, miss her like no other, I realize that I have many things to work on. I am looking to see if anybody has advice on how to approach getting back together with her. We have a large group of mutual friends, will still be seeing each other over friends weddings and vacation get together. The next one is in 5 months.

 

If anybody has read this far you truly are a trooper and I really do thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[mitzimojo1]

I know you don't want to hear this but you need to give it time. Try giving it the 5 months until the next event, at the very least. Give her time to figure out who she is and what she wants. Give yourself time to figure out how you got to where you are and that you are sure she is what you want.

 

I know that you are impatient and you want to fix it right NOW because you are in a lot of pain but know that only time will ease the pain that you caused her, that you caused each other. Once that time is past you can come together and see if there is a new beginning for you.

 

My husband and I broke up for a year before we got back together. It was a hard year but we both grew tremendously during that time. We never would have made it without that year.

[Lavidaesbella]

Thanks for the advice (it is also really good I must add).

 

I do truly believe that if your relationship has deteriorated to a point where one side broke up with the other then both sides needs some time and space to figure out what they want, and who they are.

 

That being said... I am doing NC, but like everyone else out there it is sooo hard. I think about her every 5 minutes and still feel physically ill and sick from thinking how I could have made the relationship better. I also hold very little hope that she'll get back together with me. This wasn't a spur of the moment type of thing, but she thought about it for months before she decided it was the best thing for her. Anyone still think I have a chance?

 

I can't get over the fact that I was majorly responsible for ruining the relationship by not being able to commit to her. I know hate for myself isn't healthy but I'm trying to turn it into motivation into building myself into more of the person I want to be.

[lostintranslation1]

I was in the EXACT situation.. EXACT. both in our mid 20s, she wanted more commitment, we had a fantastic relationship, but she never felt that 'security' from me throughout our 3 year relationship despite my truly being a very supportive loving boyfriend. We also did the long distance thing and only saw each other once every 3 months for the last year we were together. She wanted a ring- i was hesistant on the marriage thing as well and it just pushed her away and made her question everything until she decided to pull the plug and lost that 'spark'. she was also beautiful and would get attention from others, and her friends werent helping who were all getting engaged and married.

 

I can understand your pain. PLEASE listen to my advice. We broke up 6 months ago, and let me tell you how i handled it....

AFter she broke up with me, i was crying everyday. I was in pain for 6 weeks of no contact until i called her and tried to get back with her... i figured 6 weeks was long enough for her to want me back. turns out, she didnt tell me, but she had started seeing someone else. she told me she didnt see us ever getting back together. I Hung up the phone after speaking with her for over an hour, trying to get her back. i had no backbone, was basically trying to prove my love and she calmly dismissed me. I hung up, heartbroken, and balled. Im 28, and yes, I balled.

 

2 days later I called her when i was just so mad at how she could do that. I told her off for being able to just have her feelings go away that quickly.

 

4 weeks later she was facebook official with a new guy, and i havent spoken since.

 

 

 

I always wonder if i should have called sooner, or waited longer than i did. In my situation, i feel i had no chance of winning her back by my calling... it SHOULD HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR HER TO REALIZE WHAT SHE WAS MISSING AND CALL ME.

 

So please, do not message her. IF she was the one to end it, then YOU have to be the one to focus on your life and let HER make the first move. AFter all, SHE ended it. If she realizes she wants you, she will call.

 

As the saying goes, if you love something let it go- if its meant to come back, it was yours all along... if it doesnt, it never was.

 

I also put guilt on myself, and still do to this day (5 months later). She is still with her new boyfriend and i feel i killed any chance of getting back with her now.