Waiting for the right person

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

My friend and I have been single for over ten years. She had been single for 13 and I almost 12. Sometimes I wonder if i have been single for too long and I think that is a detriment to my desires of marriage. Often times a man won't go for a woman if she's been single for a long, long time. They're highly suspicious of it and think it's hugely weird and usual. Both of us are waiting for our " christian husbands" but just recently, she's now in her first relationship in 13 years. She has compromised on her faith and decided she is no longer waiting for a Christian man as it is too hard and has even started sleeping with him. It's like she has taken drugs, she is over the moon happy and cannot believe she actually has boyfriend.

 

It has made me question what I have been doing and weather or not I should just "give up" and go for someone who wants to be with me. I know this sounds desperate but I have asked myself " who am I kidding?" I'm not getting any younger.

 

I just see how happy my friend is and wondering weather or not i should approach life the same way

 

 

suggestions? thoughts?

[M30USA]

There are plenty of Christian men. She just might not rank being Christian as high in priority as whatever else this current man has. Our actions always reveal our heart and priorities.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

well it once was. I think she just got fed up of waiting. She just wants love. She finally has something she's been desperate for for all these years. And finally has it and she is clinging on to it for dear life. There isn't essentially anything wrong with that. Shes like us all, broken, lonely and hoping. She just caved in. But she is ecstatically happy and I am happy for her. I just wonder at times that I should give up too and experience the same amount of happiness that she's experiencing right now. It messes with your mind a bit. Your'e happy for her but you want it too.

[gaius]

It's probably pretty tough to wait for marriage in the dating circuit now if you're not a doe eyed teenager dating your high school sweetheart. But I will say having not dated in a while isn't much of a hinderance. I actually like women like that cause it makes me feel special. Like I'm not just the next in a long line of tom's, dick's and harry's.

 

If you feel like it's something you really want daisy, not just being influenced by your friend then I say go for it.

[todreaminblue]

i compromised my values and all it did was depress me.....the longer i stayed away from what i truly believed in...the longer i felt my self worth go out the window..along with it....my hopes ....

 

 

 

 

i am going to get it right this time......ill follow gods will and not my own..which is what i have done before when i compromised..............didnt make me happy .....it was the opposite..even my ex said the same thing.....the guy i was with and the guy i was with before all said the same thing..one told me he felt that he was taking me off the path i was happy to be on and that he preferred the happy me ...which was a celibate faith full me..... and the one before him told me to get back on that path.......so i did....and i am happy again....regardless of my single status......sure i miss sex...because i love it...but i love my faith more....it holds my hopes dreams and wishes....for not only me but my family to follow...if i dont follow they surely wont....so i have to lead them the right way....and what path i am on ....i know in my heart its right...come what may........i am on the right path...and my family will see me on it.....and heres hopin........deb

[skydiveaddict]

 

It has made me question what I have been doing and weather or not I should just "give up" and go for someone who wants to be with me. I know this sounds desperate but I have asked myself " who am I kidding?" I'm not getting any younger.

 

I just see how happy my friend is and wondering weather or not i should approach life the same way

 

suggestions? thoughts?

 

I refuse to settle. I'm either gonna find the girl of my dreams, (actually I did once) or I'm gonna stay single.

[d0nnivain]

Now that you have made a decision to be in a relationship, what are you doing to find a partner who shares your faith? Do you go to Church events? Do you go to neighboring Church's events? Does the person have to be your denomination or will any Christian sect do? Are you on Christian Mingle.com? Does your local minister know you are open to finding a match?

 

You do not have to go as crazy as your friend & you can stick to your beliefs concerning sex & LTRs but you should date. Sitting home is not going to get you anywhere.

[Darren2013]

Satan will always try to take advantage of us in our weak moments. Sometimes what it appears to be an answered prayer is really a trap from the Devil to draw our attention away from the things of God and to get caught up in the world. I understand the temptation to settle for less after a long period of being lonely. So does the enemy of our soul and try to take advantage of it.

 

I wonder if a test came our way where we had to make a decision to either be lonely or sell our souls to satan for getting that perfect mate in return what would we choose?

 

Kind of reminds me of how Isau sold his birthright because he was desperate for a bowl of soup. The application is the same here and Satan has his counterfeits to set us up.

 

Now I don't believe anyone goes to hell. I don't believe anyone can lose their salvation. Satan was defeated at the cross and has no power to alter our eternal destiny that is secured for heaven but he can steal our joy and peace and sense of fulfillment here on earth that we miss out on when we don't listen to the guidance of the Spirit of God in us.

 

The gospel is for nurturing the soul here and now but our eternal destiny is settled and bound for heaven.

[genuinelyloverly7]

Even I, who am on a VERY different spiritual sexual path than yours, believe that if celibacy until love, and that you only want to love an equally christian man, and that is what you feel glorious in, then live that! But definitely don't wait for it to come to you; go meet the man of your dreams. It takes some work, like all journey's of faith.

 

I am finding out that compromise is essential to every successful relationship. But you don't have to compromise your core values. I am having trouble finding a pagan in my area that is anything like the kind of man I would want to date. But do I want to wait for a mostly vegan, tech savvy soccer loving global pagan to come along in the bible belt, or might I not have to be more open to meeting one who lives somewhere else, and is open to moving or a LDR, until we can live together? Or one who sees the universe in a slightly different way than I do, but who's core beliefs complement mine. That is more important than the title, IMO. An agnostic who lives rightly by the moral code that is close to yours, is way better than a man who calls himself Christian and then cheats or lies or beats his kids or whatever. (I am NOT singling out Christians for not living true to their beliefs here- I know it happens in all faiths and non-faiths.)

 

My final word is- live joyfully! EnJOY your now, enJOY your future husband. Know he is coming soon! Cherish these last moments of singleness, before he get's here and you lose all of your quiet time to triplets and a golden retriever!

Edited December 12, 2014 by genuinelyloverly7
wrong thread-oops!

[autumnnight]

OP, I just want to applaud you for staying true to your values. The same Bible that says thou shalt not commit adultery says to flee fornication. In fact, the Bible speaks very plainly against ANY sex outside of marriage. But people are sadly selective in deciding which of those mandates matter these days. Good for you for being consistent.

[pureinheart]

I refuse to settle. I'm either gonna find the girl of my dreams, (actually I did once) or I'm gonna stay single.

 

This is my bottom line (just the opposite gender).

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I actually date non Christians all the time because they're more acsessiable. But often when it comes to the whole " how Long have you been single for?" They can't quite believe it. And usually after that they don't call back. I dated casually a guy for four months and he was a Christian. His ex wife slept with many before him and slept with many after they seperated. He didn't want to be with someone who had been with many people before. So when I said I had only had one boyfriend before he was shocked but liked it and liked me all the more saying it's then less likely I'll cheat and that I'd probably less likely to take him for granted. When i started showing signs of having a more independent lifestyle he started showing signs of being domineering and controlling. He started showing up at my house uninvited and calling me three to six times a day. Even suggesting I stop studying for a year so i could concentrate on getting "use to being in a relationship and being with him" even though we wernt officially in relationship. My point is Christian's are not.perfect. They sometimes show abusive traits even if they like the more inexperienced types. I sometimes feel I'm in between a rock and a hard place. Go for the guy who doesn't believe the same things I do and he will have to put up with my inexperience or a Christian who loves my inexperience because it makes HIM feel better. I relate to how my friend feels. She got put off waiting for a man that never came. She told me she pinches herself every day not quite believing that she's happy and in a relationship.

[StalwartMind]

I don't think anyone should compromise their values, especially if they feel it would be to their own detriment. There are many types of spiritual people, even within the same religion. It's not my place to tell someone what is right or wrong, and no matter the type of devotee you are, a lot of things can be interpreted in different ways.

 

There are pros and cons with all type of people, but if you are mindful of others as well as understand, respect and care about what is meaningful to them, then it is entirely possible to have a successful relationship with someone who may not be of the exact same beliefs, without you have to sacrifice any part of you.

 

Like you said, Christians are not perfect, no one are, although we feel some can get pretty much close to which we think is perfection to us. The most pleasant type of person, is someone who respect and acknowledge that other people have every right to believe what they wish. It shouldn't affect any of us, what someone else thinks, if you do not appreciate a person, then you are free to ignore said individual.

 

I think the most dangerous path for anyone to take, is the one that lets you believe you are more right than others. The less open minded you are, the more conflicts seem inbound, and sooner or later you will clash in disagreement.

 

In regards to inexperience due to following your spiritual path, I really don't see that as any kind of problem, at least not if the other individual you seek to spend your life with is very understanding, caring and willing to accept that it may provide both challenges as well as benefits.

 

Depending if you are very spiritual or not at all, you are bound to cross path with someone eventually who will be most if not all you are looking for. Many people fall into the trap of wondering about "what if", but it really does you no good. I'm fairly certain that we all end up being exactly where we are meant to be, and if you ever are unhappy with your current situation, then make an effort to change it.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I know it sounds bizarre. But in this day in age, over all, I feel a bit unusual like it's created baggage. From following this spiritual path it's created baggage.... I know so many men my age would have had a flurry of ex girlfriends/wives ad I would feel compared and judged. You can't expect a man in his 30's to have only had one girlfriend. I feel like though the only good thing about me being single for this long is that I will probably be very loyal to the person I am with because I would be very grateful to have him. However, feeling inept because I know that my future husband would have been with many woman before me and I would constantly feel like my sex is not good enough and I basically don't know what I'm doing and that he would compare me to lots of woman he's probably been with. There's actually a guy who likes me at the moment. He said he'd marry me tomorrow if he could. I'm like his dream girl. But I fear my inexperience will cost him his happiness. I'm unusual and ashamed of myself for carrying on 12 years without a partner. And that's why I feel basically shameful. This day in age is not nice to singles and especially long term ones. That's why I'm in a rock and a hard place. Be like my friend and enjoy a relationship with someone despite their religion even if it's not mine. Or be with someone who has the same relationship with God but won't let me crap without his permission. This guy who was a christian was very anti-liberation. He even admitted that if he could have a virgin woman, he would. He didn't like some of my friends and he would always tell me I'm wrong about scripture. He also wouldn't let me leave once because I was sick. I have had a bad experience with both christian men and non christian men and I'm not even sure if I'm up to par with the rest of society and their expectations.

[lil hoodlum]

Daisy,

 

 

I think you should just be happy.

 

 

I am sure that lots of non Christians have been brought to Christ though their spouse's or others that they are dating.

 

 

 

As they say, God works in mysterious ways.

 

 

 

I applaud you for waiting and sticking to your values, however, how would you feel if your "Christian husband" never shows up?

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I applaud you for waiting and sticking to your values, however, how would you feel if your "Christian husband" never shows up?

Hurt, frustrated,angry at myself. That's why I should date non Christian men yes?

 

Have I waited too long is what I'm asking

[d0nnivain]

Have I waited too long is what I'm asking

 

You have waited longer than many. My Q was what are you doing to find a relationship if that is what you wanted?

 

I would also suggest that you clarify your single status. You have been dating in that time; not sitting home on your couch for several years. Even if that controlling guy of 4 months was never officially your BF, you had a relationship with him.

 

I guess what I'm suggesting is that when you discuss your situation with new potential partners, you avoid absolute words that may give the wrong impression.

 

When asked how long you have been single say something like I have never been married but I am looking for that special person. That doesn't mean I'm expecting a proposal tomorrow but I have been dating for a few years.

[autumnnight]

I applaud you for waiting and sticking to your values, however, how would you feel if your "Christian husband" never shows up?

Hurt, frustrated,angry at myself. That's why I should date non Christian men yes?

 

Have I waited too long is what I'm asking

 

I think it depends on how important your faith is to you. For me, my faith is entertwined with everything I do and who I am so I can't imagine the most intimate relationship in my life being with someone who can't share that. So if your faith is central to you think about trying to share your whole life with someone who you cannot share it with.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

You have waited longer than many. My Q was what are you doing to find a relationship if that is what you wanted?

 

I would also suggest that you clarify your single status. You have been dating in that time; not sitting home on your couch for several years. Even if that controlling guy of 4 months was never officially your BF, you had a relationship with him.

 

I guess what I'm suggesting is that when you discuss your situation with new potential partners, you avoid absolute words that may give the wrong impression.

 

When asked how long you have been single say something like I have never been married but I am looking for that special person. That doesn't mean I'm expecting a proposal tomorrow but I have been dating for a few years.

 

Well in that case I have had miniature relationships through out that time. A special guy friend here and there and that dating all the time. And that four month stint was very significant to me in some ways even though it was short lived. My faith is central to me. But I kind of believe in telling the truth, if someone doesn't like the fact that you've been single for 12 years almost, it's their problem isn't it?

 

One guy asked me, why haven't you been in a relationship in that time, when was the last time you've had sex? why do you think you've barely been asked out. I thought his questions were insulting so I ended it. I felt really uncomfortable as if I was meant to give this definitive answer as to why things have been this way for me. Miracles have happened before. My friend is an example. Single for like 13 years and then bam a relationship! she goes through many emotional turmoil because she's afraid of the un known but for the most part she's bouncing off the walls because she can't quite believe it. The honey moon period will probably last a lot longer for her.

[Allumere]

I think you simply need to open your heart to love. Yes, ideally you want to be with a fellow Christian but don't put limits on love and more importantly don't put limits on God. A man may show up in your life that appears from left field...maybe he physically isn't what you expected or maybe he is "young" in his spiritual life...but maybe, just maybe he has been put in your life for a reason. I often read about the 40+ year-old woman waiting for the Christian man to wed. And then they describe men they have meet but turned away and my only thought was that they got so caught up with the image of a perfect Christian husband, with the idea that only being in relationship with a perfect Christian man would please God they managed to miss that which God had put at their feet.

[central]

If you're not actively dating, you won't even be able to recognize a good match when you meet one, because you'll lack the social skills and relationship skills that are needed. If you are dating, then it's probably just a matter of time to find someone who meets your core criteria.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

If you're not actively dating, you won't even be able to recognize a good match when you meet one, because you'll lack the social skills and relationship skills that are needed. If you are dating, then it's probably just a matter of time to find someone who meets your core criteria.

 

First of all I disagree with this. Who says I don't date. I date all the time. Second of all you don't necessarly get relationship skills from going on dates. Dating skills yes but not relationship skills. People have relationship skills from having good friendships and some people have loads of relationships but they haven't picked up any skills at all. They still treat others like crap. Thirdly I'm out going. I don't lack social skills. I just wanted to know if I should just go for a non Christian since my friend is. I'm hoping that my abstance from having a boyfriend for 12 years puts men off or turns them off.