Jealousy, lies & recovery

[justa_guy]

Hi there,

 

so my Girlfriend of 5 months has a bad social media habit, I felt it was creating distance and tension as she would often be on when we were together, I got jealous when I checked out her twitter of 2 guys she'd feel messaged after I messaged her that day & she didn't respond, I was unreasonable, but jealous that I felt I was taking a back seat to twitter.

 

After this she felt I was overly jealous and then this happened...

 

She has a sex buddy that she hooks up with when single, but they're close (he has a gf now and shes dating me) but she still messages him, she told me she was going to an event the one night and I didn't hear from her the whole night, she normally messages me good night (I trusted her so wasn't going to call or text to see what was going on)

 

The next morning I get a message from her saying she's not feeling well, I go over and find out shes hung over, she then tells me that her sex buddy had invited her to a family event @ his place and she'd slept over in a room alone as she was too drunk to drive back. This freaked me out a bit, she mention details of the party that she met this Guy "Tim" and they got along, I was over jealous and asked if he'd been flirting to which she said no he was friendly.

 

A few days later she messaged me that Tim had her necklace as she'd left it at he sex buddy's place and somehow Tim ended up with it? This didn't make sense to me and I became a anxious jealous bf asking her about when she would go out to other events with a guy she knew on twitter. She went over to collect it and they hung out.

 

It bothered me so much that I saw a message one morning from her sex buddy and decided to snoop when she was in the shower, I'm really disgusted I did this but I couldn't relax around her and felt like something was up. I found messages where she was thanking him for opening her up sexually and also asking the sex buddy a lot of questions about Tim, and mentioned that he'd been flirting with her till he heard she had a bf and she'd taken him home after the party(he lives 2 min drive from her place) and slept over! he also asked if she'd slept with him and she said she could of if she was single, but she'd slept in a different room.

 

I confronted her and she said she lied because she knew I would be upset about it, but nothing happened. I then asked to read the messages between her & Tim and they message often, but I didn't find anything overly flirtatious.

 

But I felt destroyed that she lied & I still don't get why she slept there.

She said she was sorry and would cut them out because she didn't want to lose me. Although that evening we spoke and she felt it wasn't fair to cut them out since she didn't do anything wrong and it was because of my own jealousy that she lied...

 

The day after the fight she went to watch a game her sex buddy was playing and ended up bringing 4 guys she'd met at the bar back to her place for drinks, I went around after work and hung out there, but it was a bit strange.

 

2 days later I get a message from her that she's going for dinner at Tim's place, I lost it a bit and cross questioned her after the dinner (she came round to my place)

 

I don't know what to do know, I feel she didn't cheat, but to me this behavior seems odd. I want to trust her and get over my anxiety (which I know is pushing her away) but at the same time I feel she didn't consider my feelings and seeing these guys so soon after we fought.

 

Thanks for reading this,

Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

Edited December 12, 2014 by justa_guy

[Keke1]

Hi there,

 

so my Girlfriend of 5 months has a bad social media habit, I felt it was creating distance and tension as she would often be on when we were together, I got jealous when I checked out her twitter of 2 guys she'd feel messaged after I messaged her that day & she didn't respond, I was unreasonable, but jealous that I felt I was taking a back seat to twitter.

 

After this she felt I was overly jealous and then this happened...

 

She has a sex buddy that she hooks up with when single, but they're close (he has a gf now and shes dating me) but she still messages him, she told me she was going to an event the one night and I didn't hear from her the whole night, she normally messages me good night (I trusted her so wasn't going to call or text to see what was going on)

 

The next morning I get a message from her saying she's not feeling well, I go over and find out shes hung over, she then tells me that her sex buddy had invited her to a family event @ his place and she'd slept over in a room alone as she was too drunk to drive back. This freaked me out a bit, she mention details of the party that she met this Guy "Tim" and they got along, I was over jealous and asked if he'd been flirting to which she said no he was friendly.

 

A few days later she messaged me that Tim had her necklace as she'd left it at he sex buddy's place and somehow Tim ended up with it? This didn't make sense to me and I became a anxious jealous bf asking her about when she would go out to other events with a guy she knew on twitter. She went over to collect it and they hung out.

 

It bothered me so much that I saw a message one morning from her sex buddy and decided to snoop when she was in the shower, I'm really disgusted I did this but I couldn't relax around her and felt like something was up. I found messages where she was thanking him for opening her up sexually and also asking the sex buddy a lot of questions about Tim, and mentioned that he'd been flirting with her till he heard she had a bf and she'd taken him home after the party(he lives 2 min drive from her place) and slept over! he also asked if she'd slept with him and she said she could of if she was single, but she'd slept in a different room.

 

I confronted her and she said she lied because she knew I would be upset about it, but nothing happened. I then asked to read the messages between her & Tim and they message often, but I didn't find anything overly flirtatious.

 

But I felt destroyed that she lied & I still don't get why she slept there.

She said she was sorry and would cut them out because she didn't want to lose me. Although that evening we spoke and she felt it wasn't fair to cut them out since she didn't do anything wrong and it was because of my own jealousy that she lied...

 

The day after the fight she went to watch a game her sex buddy was playing and ended up bringing 4 guys she'd met at the bar back to her place for drinks, I went around after work and hung out there, but it was a bit strange.

 

2 days later I get a message from her that she's going for dinner at Tim's place, I lost it a bit and cross questioned her after the dinner (she came round to my place)

 

I don't know what to do know, I feel she didn't cheat, but to me this behavior seems odd. I want to trust her and get over my anxiety (which I know is pushing her away) but at the same time I feel she didn't consider my feelings and seeing these guys so soon after we fought.

 

Thanks for reading this,

Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

I wouldn't let that go down at all. Yes it's odd. Opening her up sexually? What the?? This how they talk? Is she just your GF or everyone's?

[todreaminblue]

her lack of caring about your feelings is a concern.....she is manipulating you and blaming it on your jealousy but the jealousy you feel is warranted....

 

 

 

she is seemingly quite disrespectful ......you have a right to be upset.....talk to her be honest and open but things have to change she has to have respect for you and your relationship and it really seems like she holds little respect for either you or the relationship...and you wont gain her respect by backing down and thinking its all you ...most guys would have none of the crap she is doing...make that guy you too......deb

[SweetKat]

Maybe she needs to feel she has back-up. Maybe you dont spend enough time with her. Maybe she thinks that you are very attractive and have other girls you interact with. Maybe she does not see a future with you.

 

In any case, she is feeding and growing friendships with men. Men who like and admire her... and potentially could comfort her in the event of a break-up.

 

She is maintaining a group of admirers.

 

If you two are exclusive, maybe you need to sit down and discuss what exclusivity means for each of you.

[justa_guy]

I wouldn't normally put up with this, she had a bad childhood and can miss some social cues, she doesn't have a solid friend group like I do, but seems to always have (mostly) guys friends that she meets randomly then keeps in contact with through twitter or facebook as well as her exes.

 

It could be that she has father abandonment issues and is looking for constant validation, but I'm not sure.

 

I'm not sure she's lining some else up romantically, we spend plenty of time together and I do dote on her, and I think this is how she is. She doesn't feel like anything beside the lie is wrong. Including sleeping over at the guy.

 

This is why I'm having a hard time establishing boundaries with her, because she thinks I'm being unreasonably jealous.

Edited December 12, 2014 by justa_guy

[Keke1]

I wouldn't normally put up with this, she had a bad childhood and can miss some social cues, she doesn't have a solid friend group like I do, but seems to always have (mostly) guys friends that she meets randomly then keeps in contact with through twitter or facebook as well as her exes.

 

It could be that she has father abandonment issues and is looking for constant validation, but I'm not sure.

 

I'm not sure she's lining some else up romantically, we spend plenty of time together and I do dote on her, and I think this is how she is. She doesn't feel like anything beside the lie is wrong. Including sleeping over at the guy.

 

This is why I'm having a hard time establishing boundaries with her, because she thinks I'm being unreasonably jealous.

 

Oh well long as you can deal with it. I'd set clear boundaries and be firm on them. Yea your interpretation of jealousy may be different from hers. I don't think you are being overly jealous.

[lolablue17]

That's who she is. She is a close friend of her sex buddy, and she likes to meet new male friends, but she keeps what SHE thinks are proper boundaries.

Just like my wife many years ago when we started.

 

I didn't like it at all , but i haven't made any ultimatum. All of those encounters were poisoning our R and eventually after few month she stopped hanging out with male friends, and also cut all contact with her "good friend sex buddy". I didn't tell her to do so, but she felt she is losing me without me threatening or anythin like it, She just looked at my face and got the picture.

 

And that's the different between my wife (my new GF back then) and your GF:

 

My GF also thought i'm too jealous, but loved me so much and made lots of efforts to keep me for being insecure. It was unfair for her to cut all contact with her good old friend from high school which was also her sex buddy. But she sacrificed a lot for me and for our R and she she cut him completely.

 

It seems that your GF has a point and all her actions are legitimate, but she's very strict about her rights. The least she could do is to minimize her encounters with her sex buddy, to minimize hanging out with new dudes, and avoiding stepping on your nerves and insecurities with "sleeping in male friends appartments"

 

She refuses to meet you half way, by insisting of doing exactly everything she use to do as a single, except having sex with other guys. It's her way! no compromises.

 

If you give up now, this will be your daily reality and even worse. if you both can't reach a midpoint that makes you both feel comfortable, you're going to suffer a lot.

Edited December 12, 2014 by lolablue17

[justa_guy]

Thanks lolablue, I appreciate your sharing.

 

I feel I must confront it head on and tell her how I feel, If she's not willing to compromise and meet half way, Then I guess shes not the right person for me.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I'm sorry, but maybe it's because my distrust,

But I don't for a second believe this little ....(I don't want to upset you, use your imagination for this word.)

She slept at sex buddies friends house, and even left her necklace...,

And now she's having dinners with him and saying it's sexless?

 

Oh come on, even if you really do believe her,

This is completely and total disregard for your feelings and seeing her,

She knows this is wrong, and this isn't very fair to you,

But she defends flirting with some guy and saying it's not true.

 

Get a grip man, you're being waked all over,

And it's easy to see from our POV because theres nothing we owe her,

We aren't in love, as I'm willing to bet you are,

because only love can blind a guy from seeing this clearly from afar.

[smackie9]

If it doesn't feel right, that's because it's not. She is over stepping her boundaries, dump her.

[justa_guy]

So gave it another go, ended up asking her to not have dinner at this guy's house, so she goes and has dinner at his house that night (but took a girlfriend) I then confronted her & she said she thought I meant one on one....

 

She accused me of being overly jealous and we split.

 

Think I've dodged a bullet.

[Keke1]

So gave it another go, ended up asking her to not have dinner at this guy's house, so she goes and has dinner at his house that night (but took a girlfriend) I then confronted her & she said she thought I meant one on one....

 

She accused me of being overly jealous and we split.

 

Think I've dodged a bullet.

 

Nothing wrong with that. No need to waste time if you're not compatible. Next

[Radu]

So gave it another go, ended up asking her to not have dinner at this guy's house, so she goes and has dinner at his house that night (but took a girlfriend) I then confronted her & she said she thought I meant one on one....

 

She accused me of being overly jealous and we split.

 

Think I've dodged a bullet.

 

She'll be back.

 

And i hope you are strong enough.

 

Bottom line [and to build on what lolablue said] she did not love you enough to negociate on this, her rights trumped everything.

 

PS: My first gf was like this [of 3-4 weeks i might add].

She didn't understand why i thought it was a bad idea when she slept over at her guy friends dorm [a small room with 3 beds in it].

Strong female rolemodel in her life [her mom], her dad wasn't in her life and her mom had boyfriends.

[road]

In any case, she is feeding and growing friendships with men. Men who like and admire her...

 

 

 

 

She is maintaining a group of admirers.

 

 

 

 

 

Nothing more then this. This woman needs her ego stroked twenty-four seven, three-hundred-sixty-five days.

 

 

She is disrespectful to you and has shown she is not wife material. Dump her. And remember dating is the job interview for marriage.

[Satu]

So gave it another go, ended up asking her to not have dinner at this guy's house, so she goes and has dinner at his house that night (but took a girlfriend) I then confronted her & she said she thought I meant one on one....

 

She accused me of being overly jealous and we split.

 

Think I've dodged a bullet.

 

You definitely did.

 

Walk away into the sunshine, with no regret.

[justa_guy]

Radu: "Strong female rolemodel in her life [her mom], her dad wasn't in her life and her mom had boyfriends."

 

Yeah the same.

 

I'll do my best to stay strong Radu, still hurts and I can see I was making excuses and blinded a bit.

 

Really appreciate all the encouragement & advice, helps a lot to have support.

[mrs rubble]

So gave it another go, ended up asking her to not have dinner at this guy's house, so she goes and has dinner at his house that night (but took a girlfriend) I then confronted her & she said she thought I meant one on one....

 

She accused me of being overly jealous and we split.

 

Think I've dodged a bullet.

Brilliant! She sounded nasty...probably carrying all sorts of germs that one.

[justa_guy]

So broke NC 2 days after the split, she messaged to ask me to pick up stuff I'd left there. She seemed perfectly happy and said she was good.

 

I managed to say I was fine and be short also got out of there quick.

 

Friends I've spoken to reckon she has NPD, I'd never heard of it before, but she seems to fit the bill.

 

Just glad I got out when I did if that's the case, but realised I need to work on my Self Esteem to stop attracting these types. So I guess there's a gift in every heart ache.

[Spectre]

It was unfair for her to cut all contact with her good old friend from high school which was also her sex buddy.

 

I'm sorry, but you are talking crazy. It's unfair for a girl in a relationship to have to cut contact with a former f*ck buddy? Not really. This is why people shouldn't bang close friends and then expect to keep these people around while dating someone else.

 

It seems that your GF has a point and all her actions are legitimate

 

She had no point whatsoever, did you read the thread? You have a boyfriend you don't get to keep hanging out with former bang buddies. You don't get to go out getting wasted and end up spending the night at some dudes house, and you sure as hell don't try to make your bf feel bad because he has a problem you are an attention whore. She did all these things, so for you to say she "has a point" is mind boggling. If hanging out with former F buddies is so important to his girl(or any girl in a relationship) then they simply do not belong in a relationship.

 

There were so many red flags about this girl that I can't even begin to comprehend how you feel she "has a point". Sorry, past f*ck buddies should stay just that: in the past. She then goes to a party at the former bang buddies house without telling her bf, meets some OTHER dude there, then a few days later she finds herself out hanging out alone with this Tim. then we have her having sex talks with the bang buddy and asking a bunch of questions about this other dude who flirted with her(and she still hung out alone with him). How does she have a point? How is she being legitimate? Explain your rationale because I can't wrap my head around this.

 

You say she is like your wife in that she "likes to meet new male friends". Guy, she was hanging out alone with this Tim guy 2 days after meeting him. That is not merely a girl who likes making friends..that is an attention whore getting ready to cheat, who has probably already cheated in the past given her behavior.

Edited January 7, 2015 by Spectre

[Spectre]

So broke NC 2 days after the split, she messaged to ask me to pick up stuff I'd left there. She seemed perfectly happy and said she was good.

 

I managed to say I was fine and be short also got out of there quick.

 

Friends I've spoken to reckon she has NPD, I'd never heard of it before, but she seems to fit the bill.

 

Just glad I got out when I did if that's the case, but realised I need to work on my Self Esteem to stop attracting these types. So I guess there's a gift in every heart ache.

 

You did not dodge a bullet my friend you dodged a frickin nuclear bomb with a blast radius that utterly dwarfs the bombs dropped in Japan. Be ready though, this girl is an attention whore(and it seems like a normal all around one as well) so she WILL be back. Probably after she's been used up by this Tim guy. It's just..wow, the audacity to act how she acts and then accuse you of being jealous..that is an impressive level of awfulness she has shown.

 

So be glad, you dodged a nuke and probably some STD's as well, it was only a matter of time before she screwed this Tim guy.

[smackie9]

So broke NC 2 days after the split, she messaged to ask me to pick up stuff I'd left there. She seemed perfectly happy and said she was good.

 

I managed to say I was fine and be short also got out of there quick.

 

Friends I've spoken to reckon she has NPD, I'd never heard of it before, but she seems to fit the bill.

 

Just glad I got out when I did if that's the case, but realised I need to work on my Self Esteem to stop attracting these types. So I guess there's a gift in every heart ache.

 

Time heals all wounds. Yes , you love, you hurt, you learn , you grow. I hope you meet someone real nice....like a breath of fresh air best of luck to you in the new year!

[MarkNap128]

Hi there,

 

so my Girlfriend of 5 months has a bad social media habit, I felt it was creating distance and tension as she would often be on when we were together, I got jealous when I checked out her twitter of 2 guys she'd feel messaged after I messaged her that day & she didn't respond, I was unreasonable, but jealous that I felt I was taking a back seat to twitter.

 

After this she felt I was overly jealous and then this happened...

 

She has a sex buddy that she hooks up with when single, but they're close (he has a gf now and shes dating me) but she still messages him, she told me she was going to an event the one night and I didn't hear from her the whole night, she normally messages me good night (I trusted her so wasn't going to call or text to see what was going on)

 

The next morning I get a message from her saying she's not feeling well, I go over and find out shes hung over, she then tells me that her sex buddy had invited her to a family event @ his place and she'd slept over in a room alone as she was too drunk to drive back. This freaked me out a bit, she mention details of the party that she met this Guy "Tim" and they got along, I was over jealous and asked if he'd been flirting to which she said no he was friendly.

 

A few days later she messaged me that Tim had her necklace as she'd left it at he sex buddy's place and somehow Tim ended up with it? This didn't make sense to me and I became a anxious jealous bf asking her about when she would go out to other events with a guy she knew on twitter. She went over to collect it and they hung out.

 

It bothered me so much that I saw a message one morning from her sex buddy and decided to snoop when she was in the shower, I'm really disgusted I did this but I couldn't relax around her and felt like something was up. I found messages where she was thanking him for opening her up sexually and also asking the sex buddy a lot of questions about Tim, and mentioned that he'd been flirting with her till he heard she had a bf and she'd taken him home after the party(he lives 2 min drive from her place) and slept over! he also asked if she'd slept with him and she said she could of if she was single, but she'd slept in a different room.

 

I confronted her and she said she lied because she knew I would be upset about it, but nothing happened. I then asked to read the messages between her & Tim and they message often, but I didn't find anything overly flirtatious.

 

But I felt destroyed that she lied & I still don't get why she slept there.

She said she was sorry and would cut them out because she didn't want to lose me. Although that evening we spoke and she felt it wasn't fair to cut them out since she didn't do anything wrong and it was because of my own jealousy that she lied...

 

The day after the fight she went to watch a game her sex buddy was playing and ended up bringing 4 guys she'd met at the bar back to her place for drinks, I went around after work and hung out there, but it was a bit strange.

 

2 days later I get a message from her that she's going for dinner at Tim's place, I lost it a bit and cross questioned her after the dinner (she came round to my place)

 

I don't know what to do know, I feel she didn't cheat, but to me this behavior seems odd. I want to trust her and get over my anxiety (which I know is pushing her away) but at the same time I feel she didn't consider my feelings and seeing these guys so soon after we fought.

 

Thanks for reading this,

Any feedback is greatly appreciated.

 

Fkn run. And run fast. Any woman with a sex buddy is emotionally ****ed and lacks self esteem. Idc how hott she is been here fkd up my life cuz of it. Men don't date whores. And men are not whores. You run and now now contact. Let the pain remind you of why youre above this broken woman. Understand?

[MarkNap128]

her lack of caring about your feelings is a concern.....she is manipulating you and blaming it on your jealousy but the jealousy you feel is warranted....

 

 

 

she is seemingly quite disrespectful ......you have a right to be upset.....talk to her be honest and open but things have to change she has to have respect for you and your relationship and it really seems like she holds little respect for either you or the relationship...and you wont gain her respect by backing down and thinking its all you ...most guys would have none of the crap she is doing...make that guy you too......deb

 

 

Don't listen to this person. Talk to her blah blah you dump that **** and now!!!!!! The more you allow disrespect the more it will happen. Strength and honor. She lacks. Run!!! Now. She fed cheated. Because you're better than her abs she knows it

[justa_guy]

Hiya,

 

just an update,

 

Ex is now fawning over Tim and he's on the road to destruction, she's a text book narcissist and I'm doing well on NC (despite her trying to get me to fetch random things I left at her place)

 

I'm really happy with how I've progressed and can finally see her for who she is, NC really is the only way forward with manipulators & liars.

 

Thanks to everyone for your input and support.

[Buddhist]

Glad to hear your success and you are okay now.