cheaters sex is like the crack cocaine of love making.

[gettingstronger]

In therapy it seems that for my husband it was not the actual sex acts or sex that was so great, but the ego boost and build up to her meeting him on his trips- the lengths she was willing to go to just to see him- kind of like New Years Eve-the build up more so than the actual party-

 

Also, and this is kind of TMI but telling- the sex was more about him and his needs being fulfilled than hers-for us, its a mutual thing but she paid 100% attention to what turned him on with little expectation for herself- It sounds so yuck to me, that he was that way- so selfish and needy-

[badkarma2013]

In therapy it seems that for my husband it was not the actual sex acts or sex that was so great, but the ego boost and build up to her meeting him on his trips- the lengths she was willing to go to just to see him- kind of like New Years Eve-the build up more so than the actual party-

 

Also, and this is kind of TMI but telling- the sex was more about him and his needs being fulfilled than hers-for us, its a mutual thing but she paid 100% attention to what turned him on with little expectation for herself- It sounds so yuck to me, that he was that way- so selfish and needy-

 

****************************************************************

 

Agree...But are not all Affairs to some extent selfish..cruel and needy??

 

My WW did sex acts with her Boss/OM ,she would never consider with me and over the years spoke of them as being Disgusting....but she did them with him and as much as he wanted...I think you are right...not because She like them..But It was what He wanted and she did it....

[elaine567]

i have read many article written by WWs..and the common theme is "I never wanted a Divorce and when my A started .."i had no intentions of leaving my husband or family....and when they are caught or confess out of guilt..they STAND WIDE EYED AND BAFFLED the actions their BHs take upon discovery...

 

Its almost like there is no remorse...I just did it....and almost NONE gave a plausible explaination as to why they risked everything and lost...

 

I believe that there is a disconnect between the cheater and the marriage.

In setting up the affair they try to mentally discard what an affair would mean to the marriage, but that can be hard to do.

The solution is to compartmentalise the affair and the marriage so much so, that they become entirely different entities.

A person doesn't feel guilty when they go to a sports game or they go to work or they have to go abroad on business, most marriages take that in their stride, the spouse is not usually hurt by such activities either.

There is a compartmentalisation and neither activity, usually in healthy marriages, impacts on the other.

He plays football, she joins the book club, he goes down the pub she meets her mates in the wine bar or over coffee... etc. There is no angst as each activity occurs alongside the marriage and the marriage survives and may even be enhanced.

 

I feel for some cheaters the affair is a similar "activity", it runs alongside the marriage and the marriage goes on business as usual too.

It is thus a huge shock when the affair is exposed and the BS is so hurt.

They weren't supposed to be hurt... the compartmentalisation is thus split apart and shown for what it is - cheating and betrayal.

[badkarma2013]

I believe that there is a disconnect between the cheater and the marriage.

In setting up the affair they try to mentally discard what an affair would mean to the marriage, but that can be hard to do.

The solution is to compartmentalise the affair and the marriage so much so, that they become entirely different entities.

A person doesn't feel guilty when they go to a sports game or they go to work or they have to go abroad on business, most marriages take that in their stride, the spouse is not usually hurt by such activities either.

There is a compartmentalisation and neither activity, usually in healthy marriages, impacts on the other.

He plays football, she joins the book club, he goes down the pub she meets her mates in the wine bar or over coffee... etc. There is no angst as each activity occurs alongside the marriage and the marriage survives and may even be enhanced.

 

I feel for some cheaters the affair is a similar "activity", it runs alongside the marriage and the marriage goes on business as usual too.

It is thus a huge shock when the affair is exposed and the BS is so hurt.

They weren't supposed to be hurt... the compartmentalisation is thus split apart and shown for what it is - cheating and betrayal.

 

*****************************************************************

 

Well said...And im only using WWs as i did much research in to that area trying to find a why....its almost as they meet some one at a coffee shop or sees them weekly...take a yoga class with the OM etc...you get it...the Om strikes up a conversation..soon after she is looking forward to seeing him...conversation becomes more personal...he says the right thing and BAM she is having sex with him...her response ...I was never going to leave my husband or family and i quit as soon as i was caught..and is STUNNED when BH leaves an files for D...ONE HEL# of A DISCONNECT I WOULD SAY....

 

 

Pls tell me if you think i am off base ...is just seems from reading ..it is just that simple...

[fellini]

It might be that simple looking in from the outside. And probably it was that simple making all those decisions along the way that ended up to the point of making it physical.

 

But Im of the mind that once we are talking PA there has to be more than mere compartamentalizing to keep the guilt from interfering and the passion alive. Having physical sex is never the same as having a coffee, even with your own spouse (at least I hope for the vast majority of people)

 

Looking from the outside, that description seems to work, but I think if you start to think about the HOURS and HOURS affair partners share an illicit bed, you would have to agree there is more to it than that. Im more inclined to believe that at this point the WS has had sufficient taste, and is now pretty much addicted to what it offers. Also, like I alluded to in a previous post. All guilt driven and worried that her new found lover is written all over her face, she arrives home to see that NO ONE can SEE the sin and no one has access to the glow within, so she decides "hell, they don't see, and Im not crumbling to the floor in a heap of guilt -- no harm in doing it again."

 

and again... and again.

 

Of course, all the while the two lovers recognising that this is going to end badly blah blah blah... and meaning by that once we are caught, because neither has any intention of stopping a good thing now that it has become a habit.

 

 

*****************************************************************

 

Well said...And im only using WWs as i did much research in to that area trying to find a why....its almost as they meet some one at a coffee shop or sees them weekly...take a yoga class with the OM etc...you get it...the Om strikes up a conversation..soon after she is looking forward to seeing him...conversation becomes more personal...he says the right thing and BAM she is having sex with him...her response ...I was never going to leave my husband or family and i quit as soon as i was caught..and is STUNNED when BH leaves an files for D...ONE HEL# of A DISCONNECT I WOULD SAY....

 

 

Pls tell me if you think i am off base ...is just seems from reading ..it is just that simple...

Edited December 15, 2014 by fellini

[xxoo]

*****************************************************************

 

Well said...And im only using WWs as i did much research in to that area trying to find a why....its almost as they meet some one at a coffee shop or sees them weekly...take a yoga class with the OM etc...you get it...the Om strikes up a conversation..soon after she is looking forward to seeing him...conversation becomes more personal...he says the right thing and BAM she is having sex with him...her response ...I was never going to leave my husband or family and i quit as soon as i was caught..and is STUNNED when BH leaves an files for D...ONE HEL# of A DISCONNECT I WOULD SAY....

 

 

Pls tell me if you think i am off base ...is just seems from reading ..it is just that simple...

 

This sounds so adolescent.

 

In her fantasy version of events, the husband probably fights to win her back from the OM. Heck, maybe she even does it partially for the attention.

 

Fantasy world!

[badkarma2013]

This sounds so adolescent.

 

In her fantasy version of events, the husband probably fights to win her back from the OM. Heck, maybe she even does it partially for the attention.

 

Fantasy world!

 

Until D_DAY and then its not!

[fellini]

It's pretty much that. How often my WS, I talking to her in disbelief at the enormous flippant behaviour of it all, others in LS literally saying the same thing: that they behaved like teenagers. And just like teenagers, it's not called INFIDELITY and it doesn't come with the concomitant PTSD. It's a right of passage to have some guy "steal your girl" from right under your nose.

 

It's possible that the analogy of been a "teenager" is so real that the WS literally thinks about the consequences about as much as a 17 year old screwing around on his/her GF/BF: NONE.

 

 

 

This sounds so adolescent.

 

In her fantasy version of events, the husband probably fights to win her back from the OM. Heck, maybe she even does it partially for the attention.

 

Fantasy world!

[TrustedthenBusted]

WHen I was in college I was dating two girls at the same time. Not cheating! Just dating.

 

Anyway, sex with one of them was REALLY hot! Amazing! Sex with the other one was...good.

 

The difference? I really liked the girl I had the "good" sex with, and couldn't bring myself to unleash my dogs of war like I could with the girl I didn't really care about that much.

 

So I really let loose with her, because I wasn't worried about what she thought or felt. She was digging it, and I think we both knew that this was all there was to our relationship, wo why not go for broke.

 

I think this is what's going on in my marriage. If I were to cheat, I can tell you right now I've got about 300 things in mind to do some other woman, that I'd never so much as think about asking my wife to try. And she'd probably never think to say yes either.

[badkarma2013]

WHen I was in college I was dating two girls at the same time. Not cheating! Just dating.

 

Anyway, sex with one of them was REALLY hot! Amazing! Sex with the other one was...good.

 

The difference? I really liked the girl I had the "good" sex with, and couldn't bring myself to unleash my dogs of war like I could with the girl I didn't really care about that much.

 

So I really let loose with her, because I wasn't worried about what she thought or felt. She was digging it, and I think we both knew that this was all there was to our relationship, wo why not go for broke.

 

I think this is what's going on in my marriage. If I were to cheat, I can tell you right now I've got about 300 things in mind to do some other woman, that I'd never so much as think about asking my wife to try. And she'd probably never think to say yes either.

****************************************************************

 

Converse of that...do you think that why WWs for example will do anything with OM...and NEVER dot those same acts with her husband..?

[xxoo]

WHen I was in college I was dating two girls at the same time. Not cheating! Just dating.

 

Anyway, sex with one of them was REALLY hot! Amazing! Sex with the other one was...good.

 

The difference? I really liked the girl I had the "good" sex with, and couldn't bring myself to unleash my dogs of war like I could with the girl I didn't really care about that much.

 

So I really let loose with her, because I wasn't worried about what she thought or felt. She was digging it, and I think we both knew that this was all there was to our relationship, wo why not go for broke.

 

I think this is what's going on in my marriage. If I were to cheat, I can tell you right now I've got about 300 things in mind to do some other woman, that I'd never so much as think about asking my wife to try. And she'd probably never think to say yes either.

 

So the classic madonna/whore mindset.

 

If this has been a pattern for you since college, do you ever examine it and figure out why that is for you? Why the barrier to true intimacy with the woman you really care about?

[TrustedthenBusted]

****************************************************************

 

Converse of that...do you think that why WWs for example will do anything with OM...and NEVER dot those same acts with her husband..?

 

For some, yes. Because they can be more comfortable with a stranger whose judgement they don't care about.

 

For others, I think they do more with OMs out of pressure to live up to the flirty persona they had to adopt to get his attention in the first place.

 

My wife talked a huge game, but was unable to back it up, and OM lost interest pretty quick. I think he was looking for a whore, but ended up with my Madonna who was unwilling to do much.

[TrustedthenBusted]

So the classic madonna/whore mindset.

 

If this has been a pattern for you since college, do you ever examine it and figure out why that is for you? Why the barrier to true intimacy with the woman you really care about?

 

I don't know if it's barrier to true intimacy. I felt VERY CLOSE to the girl I liked while making love. And perhaps that's the difference. It was lovemaking.

 

 

With the other girl, it was definitely sport f-ing.

[xxoo]

I don't know if it's barrier to true intimacy. I felt VERY CLOSE to the girl I liked while making love. And perhaps that's the difference. It was lovemaking.

 

 

With the other girl, it was definitely sport f-ing.

 

But withholding a part of you.....hence the barrier to intimacy. Why can't the sport f-ing be an aspect of a loving relationship?

 

Do you have some sort of issue with sport f-ing? Find it disrespectful?

[TrustedthenBusted]

But withholding a part of you.....hence the barrier to intimacy. Why can't the sport f-ing be an aspect of a loving relationship?

 

Do you have some sort of issue with sport f-ing? Find it disrespectful?

 

Nope. I'd install a pair of handlebars on the ceiling fan and wear a friggen Zoro costume to bed if the wife was into it.

 

She's got the barrier, not me. And she had it with OM too.

 

There were times when I was VERY tempted to stray myself, with women who I KNEW would be very uninhibited, but I didn't do it because the thought of my wife cheating was so painful.

 

Oh the irony.

[elaine567]

But Im of the mind that once we are talking PA there has to be more than mere compartamentalizing to keep the guilt from interfering and the passion alive. Having physical sex is never the same as having a coffee, even with your own spouse (at least I hope for the vast majority of people)

 

Looking from the outside, that description seems to work, but I think if you start to think about the HOURS and HOURS affair partners share an illicit bed,

 

Yes, having coffee and sex are not equivalent to most, but some spouses spend hours and hours and hours playing football or following their favourite team, some spend hours and hours tending to animals, some compete at high levels and need to spend a huge amount of time perfecting their sport, some spend half their life online gaming or researching medieval castles.

 

It is perfectly possible to compartmentalise life passions and marriage, I do not see why a person cannot compartmentalise spending time with an OM/OW in the same way

I feel BSs get hung up on the sex, but cheating isn't just about sex, it is about an illicit relationship that is kept secret from the BS.

 

I think for many BSs they cannot fathom being with another person sexually, but once that hurdle is jumped by the cheater, I cannot see why a cheater cannot compartmentalise the whole affair, in the same way, a person can compartmentalise spending time gaming or playing football or horse riding and make it separate from their marriage.

[fellini]

I don't buy that at all. I think I was clear enough, and have been all along that giving blow jobs to an AP is not the same as watching football on Monday nights. From the outside, as I said, it seems okay to talk about "compartmentalization", bu when you get down to the nitty gritty, when you get down to swallowing someone else's semen - naked and sweaty, and the guy has his fist up your vagina, I think compartmentalization doesn't cut it until you are back in your home smiling at your H and asking him if the kid has had their snack yet.

 

Now multiply that by say 10 or20 encounters per month and there is no way your comparison is going to work. What you consistently leave out is the raw in an A. Affairs have a raw side to them. They are not the sum of what we see looking at them from the outside in.

 

And frankly I'm beginning to get the impression you are not who you say you are here.

 

 

 

 

I think for many BSs they cannot fathom being with another person sexually, but once that hurdle is jumped by the cheater, I cannot see why a cheater cannot compartmentalise the whole affair, in the same way, a person can compartmentalise spending time gaming or playing football or horse riding and make it separate from their marriage.

[NateGrey]

I often times hear of WW (like mine) that will preform sexual acts for her lover that she will refuse to do for her husband.

 

For me this would be an even bigger betrayal then the act of cheating. Not only are you cheating, but you are giving him things you won't give the guy you made vows to?

 

No matter what type of comparison someone wants to make about an affair they all do one thing and that is damage. Often times when a man has an affair he is just a pig to be burned. When a woman has an affair often times people will make excuses for it, always claiming a reason for it.

 

Strange thing is you are right on this point and it's actually something I noticed here. When you have a man post about how his wife cheated..I've noticed people tend to more often say things to him like "make sure you consider your role in this" and stuff like that. I've noticed this isn't said as much when you have a woman posting about how her husband cheated. That all might fit into what you were saying.

 

I do think people tend to simplify things, why did a man cheat? Why, he was horny! Why did a woman cheat? Why, she was unhappy!

 

Sure women have cheated on me and had their laugh at my expense.

 

You know what let them have their laugh, they are laughing because they haven't realized yet they are a failure as a person and are doomed to end up married to a guy who doesn't respect them and probably cheats on THEM and laughs about it. One thing I have learned: karma is real and it has a sick sense of humor.

[badkarma2013]

I don't buy that at all. I think I was clear enough, and have been all along that giving blow jobs to an AP is not the same as watching football on Monday nights. From the outside, as I said, it seems okay to talk about "compartmentalization", bu when you get down to the nitty gritty, when you get down to swallowing someone else's semen - naked and sweaty, and the guy has his fist up your vagina, I think compartmentalization doesn't cut it until you are back in your home smiling at your H and asking him if the kid has had their snack yet.

 

Now multiply that by say 10 or20 encounters per month and there is no way your comparison is going to work. What you consistently leave out is the raw in an A. Affairs have a raw side to them. They are not the sum of what we see looking at them from the outside in.

 

And frankly I'm beginning to get the impression you are not who you say you are here.

 

 

****************************************************************

 

Again fellini ..Spot On...When the OM her Boss...showed me pics of my wife engaged some of the things acts you listed above...I SAW THE GRITTY and RAW NASTY side of her affair....I turned cold inside and could not speak...But at that second i Knew there would be NO FORGIVNESS..and NO RECONCILIATION. NOT THEN NOT EVER...

[NateGrey]

That sucks, not only did she bang her boss, but she let him take pictures? Ew, disgusting.

[badkarma2013]

That sucks, not only did she bang her boss, but she let him take pictures? Ew, disgusting.

 

I outed him to his BW and she destroyed him in their divorce and I sued their company and they both lost their jobs...

 

As I have stated I Napalmed his life and his revenge was showing me pics of my EXW doing every (according to her for 22 years) vile sex act you could think of...In turn he Napalmed mine...

 

QUID PRO FUC*ING QUO...dont you think...

[atreides]

I think focusing on the "sex" is misleading... I say this because there are quite a few stories here from WS and my own stories that after the "high" has worn off, you hear things like "well he was limp mostly" or "i never got to orgasm" and so on... however when freshly caught in the affair, the "sex is amazing" and so on.

 

Affairs are addictions it is a "drug" and as with drugs, no matter what you do in most cases "the high smothers all reality." It also affects so much more in life, such as doing things with the kids that would not normally happen or behaviors with friends and etc.

 

This is thus the infamous "fog" as an attribute in terms of so many trying to rationalize the irrational.

Most of all, addictions escalate often, the "high" has to get "higher" which i attribute to the affair producing acts that normally would not happen as well. The intensity must keep going.

 

So, "sex is not just sex" there can be good, great and flat out bad sex but, we are talking about "addictions" and the affects of drugs which means all things are not equal and comparisons of "sex" when on a "high" should be taken lightly.

Edited December 16, 2014 by atreides

[badkarma2013]

I think focusing on the "sex" is misleading... I say this because there are quite a few stories here from WS and my own stories that after the "high" has worn off, you hear things like "well he was limp mostly" or "i never got to orgasm" and so on... however when freshly caught in the affair, the "sex is amazing" and so on.

 

Affairs are addictions it is a "drug" and as with drugs, no matter what you do in most cases "the high smothers all reality." It also affects so much more in life, such as doing things with the kids that would not normally happen or behaviors with friends and etc.

 

This is thus the infamous "fog" as an attribute in terms of so many trying to rationalize the irrational.

Most of all, addictions escalate often, the "high" has to get "higher" which i attribute to the affair producing acts that normally would not happen as well. The intensity must keep going.

 

So, "sex is not just sex" there can be good, great and flat out bad sex but, we are talking about "addictions" and the affects of drugs which means all things are not equal and comparisons of "sex" when on a "high" should be taken lightly.

 

*****************************************************************

 

Were you a WW?

[road]

I think focusing on the "sex" is misleading... I say this because there are quite a few stories here from WS and my own stories that after the "high" has worn off, you hear things like "well he was limp mostly" or "i never got to orgasm" and so on... however when freshly caught in the affair, the "sex is amazing" and so on.

 

So, "sex is not just sex" there can be good, great and flat out bad sex but....

 

 

 

 

....the problem is the WS is the WS changed their story. On D day the sex was great, they want the AP.

 

 

Then the affair ends and the WS is not leaving you. So the WS has to do damage control so now they say the sex was bad. The WS feels compelled to do damage control. More so for the WW because after the WW painted the OM as the wonder stud she created the situation where the BH does not want to try to reclaim his WW physically. A BW can fake sex. A BH can not fake an erection.

 

 

So how does the BH know which story the WW is telling is the truth?

[badkarma2013]

....the problem is the WS is the WS changed their story. On D day the sex was great, they want the AP.

 

 

Then the affair ends and the WS is not leaving you. So the WS has to do damage control so now they say the sex was bad. The WS feels compelled to do damage control. More so for the WW because after the WW painted the OM as the wonder stud she created the situation where the BH does not want to try to reclaim his WW physically. A BW can fake sex. A BH can not fake an erection.

 

 

So how does the BH know which story the WW is telling is the truth?

 

***************************************************************** ROAD...you know the answer..i have read your post...ALL of them(WWs)...Lie ...minimize and trickle truth...Again..why would they tell the truth ...They have LIED,DECEIVED AND BETRAYED US..why start with the truth NOW!

 

In my case if i had not seen pics of my wife...she would have NEVER admitted doing sex acts with the OM that was refused to me for over 20 years...NEVER..

 

If a BH thinks different they are a fool!....You will NEVER KNOW THE REAL TRUTH...NEVER...thats why i filed for D...no triggers, no remorse ,no forgiveness!