For those with no "d-day" how did your affairs end?

[Dreamworld]

Interesting how you said you didn't even want the guy to leave. I guess involvement as OW/OM is just inherently selfish. At the very least is extremely disrespectful to another person's life (the BS).

 

Love is a lot like war. We all want to win. But there's an ethical way to conduct war (like not killing civilians, not slaughtering the opposing side when they surrender), etc.

 

There's an ethical way to proceed. Love should be similar, ideally. Having an affair is an unethical way to win love and affection (and/or sex).

 

It's so hard to see clearly when caught up in those crazy emotions - it's almost carnal.

 

Playing out all the possibilities it's really simple. They are all dead-end situations and virtually none are happy endings. Using the classic example of MM with a sOW. The possible endgame scenarios:

 

1. OW gets heartbroken and leaves the situation

2. MM gets bored of playing around and ditches the affair, leaving the OW heartbroken

3. MM's wife finds out and forces the affair to end (Leading to MM and OW being heartbroken, along with the wife being heart broken)

 

4. MM's wife finds out and they get a divorce. A lengthly process and at that time how could the OW even feel good about the whole situation and relationship?

5. MM decides to divorce on his own during the affair without the wife knowing. (Why would he when he has the world?) Why would one give up one thing to get another? Normally if he was a good man, he would have left on his own to be single again if he wanted to try dating someone again - but instead of facing up to his problems he decided to have an affair.

 

Most OW don't see that the same character flaw that enabled him to engage in an affair in the first place is the exact same mechanism that prevents him from doing the right thing while within an affair.

 

That's why so many of these stories end in emotional trainwrecks. Lack of foresight and emotional maturity. Usually best thing to do is to leave the situation and that takes strength and courage. When you are backed into a corner and it hurts enough, that's where courage comes from.

 

 

Very well said and I totally agree.

And yes, no ifs and buts about it, anyone who participates in an affair is selfish. Everything else arguing that is just justification and excuses.

And yes, I think I was one of those OW's who actually enjoyed being just the side piece (I really had problems then) but apparently there are other OW's like these. They just don't talk so much about it as often as those OW's who really fall for their MM and want them to leave their wives, or want to be number 1 priority etc.

 

 

Thanks again!!

[FusionCutter]

Very well said and I totally agree.

And yes, no ifs and buts about it, anyone who participates in an affair is selfish. Everything else arguing that is just justification and excuses.

And yes, I think I was one of those OW's who actually enjoyed being just the side piece (I really had problems then) but apparently there are other OW's like these. They just don't talk so much about it as often as those OW's who really fall for their MM and want them to leave their wives, or want to be number 1 priority etc.

 

 

Thanks again!!

 

Just curious, what was the appeal of enjoying being the side piece? Was it just the validation of a married man going outside his marriage to get his needs met or something?

[Dreamworld]

Just curious, what was the appeal of enjoying being the side piece? Was it just the validation of a married man going outside his marriage to get his needs met or something?

 

No it wasn't some sort of satisfaction of having the married guy break his vows to be with me.

 

 

It was just really convenient for me (total selfishness to the max right?)

I was just divorced, and had a young child, and didn't want to invest the time and energy in actually doing the whole dating/courting thing with a single guy. I am also a really sexual person, so I also wanted sex (just like how men just want well, sex..) I don't need a high level of emotional investment before I sleep with someone so in that sense I guess I was the perfect "target" for married guys who wanted some on the side.

 

 

I was also scared about life and very lonely, so frankly speaking, the attention felt great.

 

 

I am in therapy right now, but I have learned over the years after the affair ended that I was, and am still, deeply afraid of true commitment and getting my heart broken (I was once the wife of a serial serial cheater) and so I had this subconscious mindset of "no strings attached relationship with someone already unavailable so no way to get hurt by someone who is already unavailable right?"

 

 

That was why I liked being the side piece. I got the benefits of everything I wanted without having to face the "difficult" aspects of a true relationship. And when the affair ended I was still having trouble coming to terms with this, so I must have had some vibe or something because everywhere I went I was attracting married men.

 

 

Or as my therapist kindly points out, I wasn't giving myself a chance with the single ones. My guard would right up because I was scared.

 

 

I am still working on that. But I have become very good at being firm with the married ones so I know I am making progress. And it feels pretty good.

 

 

thanks for asking!

[Dreamworld]

I also learned that there are single guys who don't want anything serious, so I try to keep my mind open to those (because I still don't want anything serious as of yet).

 

 

My married guy just made it more convenient because he just happened to be there at the right time and he was very persistent in his pursuit of me so I caved in. I liked the attention. I was very naive I guess.

 

 

Oh by the way, I think we are getting a bit off topic so sorry everybody.

[still_an_Angel]

No it wasn't some sort of satisfaction of having the married guy break his vows to be with me.

 

 

It was just really convenient for me (total selfishness to the max right?)

I was just divorced, and had a young child, and didn't want to invest the time and energy in actually doing the whole dating/courting thing with a single guy. I am also a really sexual person, so I also wanted sex (just like how men just want well, sex..) I don't need a high level of emotional investment before I sleep with someone so in that sense I guess I was the perfect "target" for married guys who wanted some on the side.

 

 

I was also scared about life and very lonely, so frankly speaking, the attention felt great.

 

 

I am in therapy right now, but I have learned over the years after the affair ended that I was, and am still, deeply afraid of true commitment and getting my heart broken (I was once the wife of a serial serial cheater) and so I had this subconscious mindset of "no strings attached relationship with someone already unavailable so no way to get hurt by someone who is already unavailable right?"

 

 

That was why I liked being the side piece. I got the benefits of everything I wanted without having to face the "difficult" aspects of a true relationship. And when the affair ended I was still having trouble coming to terms with this, so I must have had some vibe or something because everywhere I went I was attracting married men.

 

 

Or as my therapist kindly points out, I wasn't giving myself a chance with the single ones. My guard would right up because I was scared.

 

 

I am still working on that. But I have become very good at being firm with the married ones so I know I am making progress. And it feels pretty good.

 

 

thanks for asking!

 

I can relate to all that you said, I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm just curious, I know you didn't want a relationship but sometimes an A could progress to a proper relationship (part time or something like that). Were you not afraid of this happening? Or that MM falls for you and wants more? Sorry to be a bit off topic but would appreciate your reply thanks.

[Popsicle]

I always say there was no DDAY that I knew about. In that it's possibility that he was found out but he simply never relayed that info to me and she never tried to contact me so I'd not know about what happened between them if that was the case.

 

Our A ended after a long death march really. It was about 2 years or so in and I was fed up. In the beginning it was fine when I wasn't as attached and when it was just a phone, email and instant messaging relationship. But the more things continued I fell in love with him and we started seeing each other more and it became "more real" and thus more gut wrenching and frustrating for me when I was met with the "glass ceiling" of how far things could do. We were also long distance so seeing each other meant when we were together, it was usually where I lived in, and we could be like a normal couple because no one knew him and as far as my friends knew he was my bf who lived LD. So that made the leaving again and the limits of the A more and more unbearable.

 

He said and I believed that he really thought he could make me happy and keep his other relationship too...but no....that would NEVER work...but he sure as hell tried and was in lots of denial and the dreaded fog about it. Fog in the sense that his plans actually were totally irrational but being caught up with me and us and wanting what he wanted he thought he could just ignore certain parts of reality and try to create some magical relationship for us where I would be his gf forever and he would have another gf and all would be like that forever....wrong. Long story short: with all that frustration behind me and me being the more logical one after a while because where he kept saying "I don't know how it will work but I can't be without you..." I kept saying "This isn't going to work... HOW will this work? Are you going to move here? Me there? Are you going to be with me full time?" No answers to those questions...just more wishing upon a star and shhh baby let's not talk about reality let's just enjoy this . I was done so kept trying to pull back and "just be friends"...that did not work. Us just being friends was awkward and ended up just falling back into the same pattern. There was lots of tension and we'd go for periods without talking but would fall back into the A as it was. However, at some point I got busy and he also got busy with a new client at his job which meant longer hours and then that was when things went downhill to less and less contact, less calls, less messages, hit and runs until it would be like weeks...it was a slow fade into NC.

 

We didn't speak for a year...he returned after a year on my birthday to explain himself and say he chose to disappear because he knew he was hurting me and couldn't give me what I needed but he never stopped thinking of me. I had actually gotten a new bf within that year and NC did help me to move on for the most part. We kept in contact sporadically, just once in a while casual emails he'd send me about projects he worked on or a joke. About 2.5 years after that though we reconnected and tried to form a real relationship (he'd broken up with his LTR gf who he had cheated on with me). But that didn't work for many reasons. Then we tried to be friends...that also couldn't work as our chemistry is electric and he also, more than I, doesn't know how to just be friends with me. I've tried and he's always the one who ends up treating me like his gf so no, we're not friends. I will always care about him but too much is there for us to just be friends.

This is exactly how I see my R with MM ending. I just know it will go this way.

[Popsicle]

Interesting how you said you didn't even want the guy to leave. I guess involvement as OW/OM is just inherently selfish. At the very least is extremely disrespectful to another person's life (the BS).

 

Love is a lot like war. We all want to win. But there's an ethical way to conduct war (like not killing civilians, not slaughtering the opposing side when they surrender), etc.

 

There's an ethical way to proceed. Love should be similar, ideally. Having an affair is an unethical way to win love and affection (and/or sex).

 

It's so hard to see clearly when caught up in those crazy emotions - it's almost carnal.

 

Playing out all the possibilities it's really simple. They are all dead-end situations and virtually none are happy endings. Using the classic example of MM with a sOW. The possible endgame scenarios:

 

1. OW gets heartbroken and leaves the situation

2. MM gets bored of playing around and ditches the affair, leaving the OW heartbroken

3. MM's wife finds out and forces the affair to end (Leading to MM and OW being heartbroken, along with the wife being heart broken)

 

4. MM's wife finds out and they get a divorce. A lengthly process and at that time how could the OW even feel good about the whole situation and relationship?

5. MM decides to divorce on his own during the affair without the wife knowing. (Why would he when he has the world?) Why would one give up one thing to get another? Normally if he was a good man, he would have left on his own to be single again if he wanted to try dating someone again - but instead of facing up to his problems he decided to have an affair.

 

Most OW don't see that the same character flaw that enabled him to engage in an affair in the first place is the exact same mechanism that prevents him from doing the right thing while within an affair.

 

That's why so many of these stories end in emotional trainwrecks. Lack of foresight and emotional maturity. Usually best thing to do is to leave the situation and that takes strength and courage. When you are backed into a corner and it hurts enough, that's where courage comes from.

 

I love this post. And I know you have no agendas, so I trust your sincerity.

[Dreamworld]

I can relate to all that you said, I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm just curious, I know you didn't want a relationship but sometimes an A could progress to a proper relationship (part time or something like that). Were you not afraid of this happening? Or that MM falls for you and wants more? Sorry to be a bit off topic but would appreciate your reply thanks.

 

I think I was confident that I would be able to compartmentalize. The fact that he was married meant to me: wont ever be a proper relationship, I wont get attached. Plus back in my single days I was one of those girls who actually had a successful fwb situation because of my ability to compartmentalize compared to other girls. But to tell you the truth with the married guy I did get a little attached because I found myself worrying and getting jealous about other women he could possibly be seeing.

 

I think it was my MM who fell for me more. There were even times I was the one who felt a little smothered because he wanted so much of my time and affections (i am on the independent side by nature) I also think it was ultimately that change in his behavior that aroused his wife's suspicions that led to us getting caught.

 

But to answer your question, I really thought I could handle it without it progressing to a more intimate relationship. Hope this helped!

[Lady2163]

Just curious, what was the appeal of enjoying being the side piece? Was it just the validation of a married man going outside his marriage to get his needs met or something?

 

For me, it was also convenience. I was living I. A small town, hadn't had a date in six months, had no hope for a relationship, last three relationships had all got money out of me - that I really didn't have. I was always sooooo close to financial middle class and some jerk would tell me he loved me, but had this PROBLEM that X number of my dollars could fix.

 

So, married man was/is financially successful and would never think of asing me for a dime. He was financially smarter than I was and provides some guidance and options when I asked for advice.

 

I could still be my own person, free to date, free to spend my money, make my own decisions without consulting anyone. I could do everything I wanted to and get some decent conversation, a few activites and some pretty amazing sex.

 

I think i did put myself first a lot, but I wasn't selfish to him or me.

 

On one hand, he probably saved me from continuing to be a money-grubbing dork magnet. I'm know pretty much set for life. I was able to spend. Let of my 40s making money. On the other hand, he probably stunted me since I was perfectly happy with sporadic awesome sex rather than a steady man.

[janetl]

My EA is probably that way. End without a so called D Day.

 

First short story: I am divorced for last 7 years. Was married for almost 10 with lot of ups and downs, borderline abusive on and off. No serious relationships after divorce, almost no dating. I am not the dating kind, and I just did not have any desire what so ever. Almost 2 years ago, met this MM at work. We were great co workers and very good friends before the involvement started. I resisted, he resisted. But we finally confessed to each other being in love. We were very very close emotionally. Shared everything. We walked very sharp line on the edge of crossing the physically intimate border; but survived and caught ourselves before crossing the line. It means we held hand and hugged long and deep: but never kissed or more than that. It was hard, but eventually the walking the thin line is getting to us and we have been systematically maintaining distance aka LC phase for last 6 months. He is married for 30+ years, three grown up kids. Does not want break anything: he was clear about that since the beginning, and I knew that too. I am 99% sure his wife does not know about this.

 

I am currently trying to prepare myself for the complete break up. We are still very good friends, as good as we can be with occasional emails and meet once a week when we can. I have been wanting to stop seeing him and he knows that. But we are just postponing that because we both are going through hard time at work. There is only so much you can deal with at a time. He is the only man I have met in my life (I am not exaggerating) whom I have cared so deeply for an have felt the same in return.

 

We will be able to deal with the separation. It's just sad. It's a grave loss for me of more than the affair and affection. But that is the right thing to do. We are both glad that we did not cross the line of sex although I understand that EA can be as or more damaging.

 

So, even if the EA has not technically ended: it has for all practical purposes and the rest of the walk to the grave is just the tail end of what has been in the making. I still love him and miss him badly. But I care for him more deeply (and he care for me) to try to let go and part in good time.

[Josmatjes]

I had a dday... But we were really too out in the open and not discreet enough... Seeing each other 3 to 5 times a week even just to chat...

I think if we had kept it a little less it would of been better but our feeling got involved.