Need Advice!

[Littlepink24]

Okay to any women who have been cheated on and not the cheater, fell free not to read this because I am most likely one of the types of people you hate, but to women who have cheated and know how I feel please help. I have been cheating for 5 years with the same person and I am married( unhappily most of the time), he is also married. (I think happily)

 

I have tried to break it off several times, but can't. I have been honest to my husband when it happened and that is all. Only the first time he knows about, that was 5 years ago. Now, I have told him that I am friends with this man and he is a very important person in my life and I know I am wrong. Me and this guy dont have a 'cheating' relationship though, we are really good friends too and I tell him so many things about my life. He says it is not based on sex, but I am not sure.

 

He says he likes me and does not want me to just stop talking to him. I kind of do believe him because we hardly ever have any kind of sex anymore it is just hanging out and having a good time. I think I have stronger feelings for him that I ever thought I could have and he says he loves her, but does he love her if he is cheating and has been for five years? If I went on this would be a very long story needless to say, I need to let him go so I can put him behind me and have a normal happy life, I dont expect it to be with him though and I think my best bet would be to break away from my marriage also because I feel like such a horrible person, but how do I do that? P.S did I mention that he is 10 years older than me?

[ww]

ok ...this will prolly sound strange but i will give you advice my grandma used to give me:

DON`T DRINK , DON`T SMOKE, AND NEVER EVER ACCEPT CANDIES FROM STRANGERS!!!!!

[Circles]

Yes, his does love his wife.

 

He just wants the occasional extra nooky every how and than, and someone who doesn't get tried of him talking about himself all the time.

 

The only reason he would ever really leave his wife is if he found out that she was cheating on him.

[OtherWoman]

You're in a tough situation. I ended up having stronger feelings for my MM than I ever thought -- and yes, I was married too. It's been 18 months and I'm still struggling getting over it, but it's getting better day by day. If this man really wanted to be with you, he would have left his wife already. But he has no intentions to do that. If you don't want to be in your marriage any longer then get out, but DO NOT stay with this man. His intentions toward you are not honorable in any sort of way.

[izzybelle]

littlepink,

 

i agree with those here who say get out now. it sounds like you've already started that process with MM and if your marriage really is over get out of that too. if your marriage isn't making you happy, chances are it's not making your H very happy either, so don't you both deserve that?

 

in spite of the odds, MMs do leave their Ws. perhaps not as often as many OW would like but i know several that have. in most of my posts here when i talk about my exMM i'm referring to the A that just ended last year. i was involved with an MM before that. ok, so the first time i didn't get hit hard enough in the side of the head with the stupid stick to have it sink in. this time, i got smacked hard. i had major, major concerns with MM #2 being married and pursuing me, because i'd been there before, but he assured me that his M was over and he wanted to be with me. yeah right, whatever. i had no intention of falling in love with him, but over time, i fell hard. and it's been a nightmare finding my way back out. MM#1 said many of the same things except he never went so far as to say that i was the one he wanted to be with. the A was brief and it took its toll on him emotionally and he knew he had to end it for his own sanity. the closest he ever came to saying that he wanted to be with me was the last time we were together and i asked if that was the last time i would see him. he said he hoped not but that he needed to figure out where he was going with his life and his marriage. over a year later, he left his W. not for me but because he knew he couldn't take that life anymore. but the difference between that and your situ is that he was no longer in love with his wife. i do believe that he tried to work things out, to get that love back but couldn't, so he left. i have no intention of pursuing MM#1 even if he does end up getting a divorce. none at all. i will always have feelings for him, but the A was short enough that i never fell in love. i don't believe that he and i will ever be together again, and that's fine. we're friends and i think it's better that way. we still talk, but not alone. we still email some, but the emails are very different. he's still in my life, but just as a friend.

 

the bottom line is that if an MMs marriage is going to end, it will, but .... it needs to end on its own, not because of someone else or because he got caught.

[Circles]

izzybelle, I do agree with you, married men do leave their wife's, but after 2 months to a year, the married man that thought the grass was greener on the other side of the fence will beg to get back in a relationship with his wife , if she takes him back.

[izzybelle]

circles,

 

yes, in many cases that does happen and that is why i believe it's important for them to leave in spite of the fact that there may be someone else, not because of it. and if they do leave because they think the grass is greener many do realize that the grass was only greener because of the amount of fertilizer that was put on it. and that is the insight that i'm coming to terms with for my relationship with MM. he was adamant that his marriage was over, but when push came to shove, he wasn't, as he said, as disengaged as he thought. so how could i trust that even if he left his W, not for me, that he was completely out? i don't know that i can.....

 

i have a male relative who left his W for his OW about 6 years ago now, he's still with his OW. another female friend of mine's H left her for his OW about 5 years ago and they're still together. two other acquaintences left their Ws for their OWs and they're now happily married. so even that does happen. but would i want to be that OW? in spite of the fact that i had my dreams of being with my exMM, i wouldn't want the emotional baggage of knowing that he left for me. and just stating that is a puzzlement, because if i do feel that way, why did i get involved in the first place. hindsight is always good at giving us a better perspecitve on things. it's not a matter of an OW or W winning or losing, it's a matter of a bad marriage taking it's own path and ending on it's own terms and not those that have been imposed by someone else. then and pretty much only then will a relationship have a chance to survive.

[Littlepink24]

I do think that my MM wil never leave his wife because of the kids and I have to think about it, if he really did ever leave her would I still want to be with him? I don't know about that because will he cheat on me? I think he would. He can't be faithful to anyone I think. I want to be faithful to someone. I know my marriage is ending but my husband is in big denial, he ignores everything and tries to pretend everything with me is ok and he tells me he loves me and all the things a wife wants to hear from a husband. Maybe in a way I would also like it to work and go to therapy because everything I have done to him is built up inside me, aside from what he knows about all he thinks is that the MM and I are still emailing every once in a while because we are friends and I said I can't give him up. In about 75% of our emailes we don't talk about anything except our daily lives and I have let mu H read a few of those emails, but in the last 2 months we have not spoken about him at all.

 

I know I need to get away from, but to be honest it is so hard. I don't know how anymore. I try and talk to him about ending it and he says he can't end it with just never seeing or hearing from me again. He does not want that. He confuses me.

[TUDOR]

Littlepink24, your MM is guilting you into staying around so that he can have his cake and eat it too. You have to take this thing head on if you are to get out from under it. This whole relationship you have started with him has been built on a foundation of lies and dishonesty and nothing remotely close to 50/50. You need 100/100 to make a relaionship work and you know he will never be able to offer you that. Do you really want to be the one spending all the energy and effort to try and force some thing to happen while he goes home to his wife and doesn't try.

 

I know you want to be faithful to someone and I hope he does too. That is what the right partner does for someone...they make them want to be a better person. Do you think that the two of you do that for one another? You have to make a clean break and if you insist on giving him a chance than hold him to higher standard because you deserve that. Tell him that you really like and want to be a part of his life but not while his married. If wants to be with you then he should be with only you. I think he will find he won't leave his wife. But you have to look out for you, do you think he is? I have been where you are and I know how hard it is to let go and being afraid that you will loose that connection and because things are so bad in your own marriage you really need that other connection to get you by. But you are just delaying what you know needs to happen sooner or later. The longer you are with Mr. Wrong the longer it take for Mr. Right to find you. You deserve better.

[Littlepink24]

Who are you? Why do you sound like I know you? And your from TX too. Scarry. I am kidding. You sound like you know what you are really talking about for being a male. No, I KNOw with everything I have that he will never leave her for me, would I be with him even if he weren't with her. No. I know I have told him about the Mr. Wrong/Mr. Right thing before when I was seperated that as long as I talked to him I was never going to be sane and have a normal relationship ever again because it will start with a lie and I don't want that. I want it to be real. Don't we all have those talks with the MM or MW? I think he does care about me like my friends say, but but to an extent of a friend only. Then again when I try to break it off why does he play head games by saying he wants to know how I am ad stuff. Maybe I am looking too much into it, but why would we be going all this time? Are we lying to ourselves? I think so.

[TUDOR]

Maybe it is a Texas thing and we all seem like family. Your story just hits really close to home for me and I think I know what you are going through on some levels. We all do have those talks with MM/MW and I think most of the time it starts off innocent enough. But when you are lacking somthing in your marriage or realationship and that MM/MW begins to feed that hunger you have, it becomes so hard to stop. He knows that your getting something out of staying in touch with him and it makes all the easier to convince you not leave. This is not a Jedi mind trick it is just him playing off your weak spots. For you it is that need for a connection and someone to listen to and talk to right now. The longer you two feed each others needs it will keep going. And until one of you leaves your H/W then all you need is that little something extra you guys give each other to keep it going. But what happens when you do leave your H and you want and need more? You won't get more and you will have to start over....so why wait?

[Littlepink24]

Why do men do that? Do women do that too? Play off thoughts and feelings? I don't think I do, but I think you are right about not getting something out of my marriage. I know I am not. I hate to admit it, but I am not. Just out of curiosity, are you a shrink? Either that or you are just an older more experienced person. Your age?

 

Again, I know I don't see this going anywhere, but I don't want to get hurt, but prolonging it will make it that much harder when it does end. This sucks.

[TUDOR]

I think men and women alike do it but each for there own reasons and benefits. For you I think it is more about having the outlet and connection to turn to. For him it may be about sex or knowing that he still has someone chasing him because he wife doesn't chase any more. Everyone's reasons are different but I feel pretty confident it is not a gender thing but just a human one.

 

No I am not a shrink, and I much younger than you might think....29. But I have been through my own trial and errors and I did it with out looking to others for help or advice it made it that much harder. So if I can offer any advice, be it not professional, to help some one avoid the same hard ships then I am more than willing. What it comes done to is there are two way to get by in life...you either survive life or you live life. Right now you are just surviving life and you have to find a way to live it. I see this thing with the MM as just another path of surviving. Move on to something better so that you can begin to live life again.

[Littlepink24]

I just read the other thread and wow, better than some women could have put it.

Ending it with respect for each other and self respect for me. I know he will agree to that. Then again we have tried that and he says what I told you he says about not ending it like that. He also hasthis fixation about the day I turn , again I think I told you that it all started with physical attraction and if you read above or the other thread " I'm like his fantasy girl" everytime we talk about ending it he brings up the 30 thing how can I do that to myself. I should go based on that and see what he is really getting out of me, but again there is a longer version of the story and lots left out that I would rather not post on here. I think the basics will help for now until I feel more comfortable doing this. I don't know how to PM yet and when I try it says people are not available or have settings to recieve them. Can you tell me abou tyour experience?