Daily Journal For Those Struggling With Addiction

[me85]

Two nights ago may have been the last time I drink again, or at least for a while. I know I should stop for good but I can't predict the future and I don't want to make a liar out of myself.

 

I'm tired of being a black out, binge drinker. Two nights ago I stayed up until nearly 5 am drinking. I just about finished off an entire bottle of vodka.

 

I've been getting drunk since I was 14. I'm now 29 and over the last year my drinking has completely taken it's toll on my life. It has full control over me and has been priority over almost everything else.

 

Alcoholism runs in my family and if I'm not an alcoholic, I resemble one perfectly. Although I function by getting to work on time and paying my bills when they're due, my life is still in a downward spiral because of alcohol. I called in sick to work last week or the week before (can't remember) and I also called into work sick yesterday because I drank in excess the nights before. I don't get sick or hungover really. I just feel really tired and disoriented. Most of the time I feel fine the next day (because my tolerance has been built up so much that it doesn't phase me) so I go into work, no problem. Most of the time. But I'm starting to worry how much worse it will get if I don't do something about it now. I find myself wanting more than alcohol. I find myself wanting something stronger.

 

Every since I was 14 I've done something...a drug, a pill, or drinking...SOMETHING to be intoxicated. I've had this life long relationship that I have never considered giving up, until now. I've never lived a sober lifestyle. I have no idea who I'm going to be without drinking alcohol.

[BC1980]

Two nights ago may have been the last time I drink again, or at least for a while. I know I should stop for good but I can't predict the future and I don't want to make a liar out of myself.

 

I'm tired of being a black out, binge drinker. Two nights ago I stayed up until nearly 5 am drinking. I just about finished off an entire bottle of vodka.

 

I've been getting drunk since I was 14. I'm now 29 and over the last year my drinking has completely taken it's toll on my life. It has full control over me and has been priority over almost everything else.

 

Alcoholism runs in my family and if I'm not an alcoholic, I resemble one perfectly. Although I function by getting to work on time and paying my bills when they're due, my life is still in a downward spiral because of alcohol. I called in sick to work last week or the week before (can't remember) and I also called into work sick yesterday because I drank in excess the nights before. I don't get sick or hungover really. I just feel really tired and disoriented. Most of the time I feel fine the next day (because my tolerance has been built up so much that it doesn't phase me) so I go into work, no problem. Most of the time. But I'm starting to worry how much worse it will get if I don't do something about it now. I find myself wanting more than alcohol. I find myself wanting something stronger.

 

Every since I was 14 I've done something...a drug, a pill, or drinking...SOMETHING to be intoxicated. I've had this life long relationship that I have never considered giving up, until now. I've never lived a sober lifestyle. I have no idea who I'm going to be without drinking alcohol.

 

I know it's difficult to admit there is a problem. I think that was a huge stumbling block for me when I was coming to terms with having an eating disorder. I always thought I could handle it on my own, without help. I always thought that, THIS TIME, would be the time I could cure myself, and all would be right with me. I could go off and live the life I was supposed to live. I have suffered from an eating disorder since age 13, and it took me until I was 30 to even begin to admit that this is a chronic, life long issue I will deal with. I was appalled when the term addict was applied to me, but I eventually came to accept it. The particular program I sought help from considers all eating disorders to be addictions.

 

At the least, I would consider going to AA and getting a sponsor. Maybe as a first step. I would urge you not to make the mistake that many addicts do and think that you can handle this yourself and that you can walk this road alone. I made that mistake for far too many years, and I lost a lot of years of my life in the process. Sadly, you never get years of your life back. You can commit to a new future, but you can never go back. I know it's embarrassing, which is certainly a reason I didn't seek treatment for so many years. I had also become really good a lying, as a way to keep the addiction going. Like you, I was highly functional.

 

I'm sending good thoughts your way and hoping you will seek help from a support group. I'm sure there are alternatives to AA, but I don't know of any myself. Maybe someone else can recommend a program, or maybe there is some information in previous threads. Hang in there.

[me85]

Thank you so much for your kind words and for also sharing your story. You seem to have experienced a great deal in life as well as I have. It's nice to know I have a few kindred spirits out there. (=

 

I hope you're having a splendid holiday season!

[jellybean89]

me,

 

one step at a time. One day at a time.

 

Have you thought of inpatient treatment? Check your local county for various programs. We have a program in my county which is a 90 day program and it is amazing the work that is done. Addicts aren't just sitting around detoxing, they are learning the why's of their addiction. I urge you to check into your local area's programs.

 

Part of AA/NA's program is the 12 step program. The serenity prayers is also part of recovery.

 

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

 

Admitting your addiction is the first step. what you do now will determine the rest of your life. Please seek help. Please find a sponsor to help you; a network of recovering addicts to be there for you. This is such an important part of recovery.

 

I beg you - choose recovery. Make recovery your top priority. It has to be because your life depends on it. Make today the start of a new chapter, a new journey for you and your life. Please.

[me85]

Thanks Jellybean. Your response means a lot.

 

I only wish I could do inpatient treatment but I don't have health insurance yet and I work full time with only myself to take care of me.

 

I'm not trying all that hard to quit. I'm ashamed of that but it's just so easy to drink when I get home. It's hard for me to sit still when I don't. It's getting to the point where I want more than alcohol and that scares me. I did drugs as a teenager but it never became an addiction. If I did them now, they would be for sure.

 

I am going to get help. I need a support group. I need to be around people who understand what it's like. I need so much help for so many reasons.

 

I've distanced myself from people. Everybody. I'm scared of getting close to anybody. It's terrifying how trapped I feel by my memories and thoughts. I don't want to revisit the past. I don't want to sulk or feel sorry for myself...I don't want to be a sad miserable person but that's exactly what's going on with me beneath the surface. People don't see it and I don't show it but it's real. I'm very lonely but maybe it's my own fault. I want to runaway from all this. I want to lie down, close my eyes, fall asleep and wake up without any urges to self medicate/self destruct.

 

I want to get better so I can help people like me.

Edited December 29, 2014 by me85

[Rejected Rosebud]

I'm worried for you! If you get to the point where you really know in your most innermost being that you MUST stop drinking no matter what then just go to an AA meeting and attach yourself to some people who have some sober time and try your best not to focus on stuff said there that you don't agree with or believe in. My mom came out of a terrible place and that is how she did it almost 30 years ago, I hate to think of what would have happened if she hadn't.

[jellybean89]

Thanks Jellybean. Your response means a lot.

 

I only wish I could do inpatient treatment but I don't have health insurance yet and I work full time with only myself to take care of me.

 

I'm not trying all that hard to quit. I'm ashamed of that but it's just so easy to drink when I get home. It's hard for me to sit still when I don't. It's getting to the point where I want more than alcohol and that scares me. I did drugs as a teenager but it never became an addiction. If I did them now, they would be for sure.

 

I am going to get help. I need a support group. I need to be around people who understand what it's like. I need so much help for so many reasons.

 

I've distanced myself from people. Everybody. I'm scared of getting close to anybody. It's terrifying how trapped I feel by my memories and thoughts. I don't want to revisit the past. I don't want to sulk or feel sorry for myself...I don't want to be a sad miserable person but that's exactly what's going on with me beneath the surface. People don't see it and I don't show it but it's real. I'm very lonely but maybe it's my own fault. I want to runaway from all this. I want to lie down, close my eyes, fall asleep and wake up without any urges to self medicate/self destruct.

 

I want to get better so I can help people like me.

 

You don't need health insurance to enter county programs. Please look into it today! I know you are scared, that is why you must reach out to anyone for support. There are a ton of online support networks. Look up AA and look for meetings in your area. I am sure there are meetings every day at various locations. Look up Unity Clubs. They provide 24/7 meetings every day.

 

Your life is worth it. Fight it. Fight it with every fiber if your being. PM me if you want to talk. I am begging you to fight. Think of your family. They don't want to bury you. Even if you don't have a close relationship, trust me, they don't want you gone from this earth. You have so much yet to experience, to feel, to see. Please. Make today your new beginning. I am not suggesting what you are going through is easy. But I have witnessed the destruction that drugs can do to a person, to a family. Addiction is addiction, no matter what the substance is. Check and see if there is a meeting you can go to TONIGHT. Choose sobriety. Choose life. Please.

[JDPT]

Work the program and immerse yourself into the fellowship of AA. I'm starting to see that it does work and although I'm a late bloomer, it's never too late to change your life around for the better.

[jellybean89]

Totally agree. Getting a sponsor and networking is one of the best things an addict can do for themselves.

 

me85, check in...I keep checking this thread every day to see if you have posted. I'm worried about you.

[JDPT]

It's when we come to terms and embrace the fact that we have a problem with a substance that we decide to seek true and honest help. And the reality of it is that the help was always out there. We don't have to do this alone, it's virtually impossible to do it alone. I choose to end my suffering it's MY decision to clean up and embark on a more meaningful life. me85 you will know when you are ready to devote yourself to better living, no need to torture ourselves any further.

[me85]

Hey everybody! Thank you for all of your replies! Means so much.

 

Jellybean, I'm alright. I had a good weekend with my younger cousin. She came and stayed the whole weekend with me. It was good because we talked about deep meaningful things. She shared her troubles and I shared mine. It was a very good thing for both of us. She's so much like me. It's like looking in a mirror at times. She's 23 and going through a lot of the same things I was going through at 23.

 

I have slacked off of my drinking. That's progress. Maybe not a whole lot of progress but progress nevertheless. I'm still trying guys!!! I'll get there one day!!!!

 

One thing a loved one told me that I sometimes wonder if they're right...she said "The fact that you don't drink every single day probably means you're not an alcoholic. You may just be really stressed out and lonely with everything going on in your life and turning to alcohol to self medicate."

 

Which, of course, I've considered that long before hearing it BUT the thing is - turning to alcohol to self medicate leads to becoming addicted to it. So, I'm pretty sure I'm alcoholic. )=

 

On the bright side, my New Year is going good so far and I know that every little thing is gonna be alright.

 

Thank you guys for all of your support. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

[jellybean89]

Hey everybody! Thank you for all of your replies! Means so much.

 

Jellybean, I'm alright. I had a good weekend with my younger cousin. She came and stayed the whole weekend with me. It was good because we talked about deep meaningful things. She shared her troubles and I shared mine. It was a very good thing for both of us. She's so much like me. It's like looking in a mirror at times. She's 23 and going through a lot of the same things I was going through at 23.

 

I have slacked off of my drinking. That's progress. Maybe not a whole lot of progress but progress nevertheless. I'm still trying guys!!! I'll get there one day!!!!

 

One thing a loved one told me that I sometimes wonder if they're right...she said "The fact that you don't drink every single day probably means you're not an alcoholic. You may just be really stressed out and lonely with everything going on in your life and turning to alcohol to self medicate."

 

Which, of course, I've considered that long before hearing it BUT the thing is - turning to alcohol to self medicate leads to becoming addicted to it. So, I'm pretty sure I'm alcoholic. )=

 

On the bright side, my New Year is going good so far and I know that every little thing is gonna be alright.

 

Thank you guys for all of your support. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

 

So glad you checked in.

 

Hey, I'm all for celebrating every single step and if you have cut down, I'll all for that!!!

 

I do agree with you - I believe you are an alcoholic because that is how you self medicate. Doesn't mean you are a bad person, you won't do awesome things with your life or any of that crap...just means you have a disease. Sometimes, it takes a bit for someone to realize they need help...and I firmly believe you are getting closer and closer to that realization every day. I am super stoked your cousin spent the weekend and you had some good family bonding! we all need that in our lives.

 

Do me a favor....keep on the path you are for now....I'd rather you stay at less than go for more. Start looking at what is causing you to self medicate; see if you can notice a pattern. Maybe do a daily journal on alcohol intake? I guess what it boils down to is I care and I don't want to see you waste the rest of your life at the bottom of a bottle. I think you have too much to give back to this world to allow alcohol to take you sooner than expected.

 

One day at a time my friend.

[me85]

So glad you checked in.

 

Hey, I'm all for celebrating every single step and if you have cut down, I'll all for that!!!

 

I do agree with you - I believe you are an alcoholic because that is how you self medicate. Doesn't mean you are a bad person, you won't do awesome things with your life or any of that crap...just means you have a disease. Sometimes, it takes a bit for someone to realize they need help...and I firmly believe you are getting closer and closer to that realization every day. I am super stoked your cousin spent the weekend and you had some good family bonding! we all need that in our lives.

 

Do me a favor....keep on the path you are for now....I'd rather you stay at less than go for more. Start looking at what is causing you to self medicate; see if you can notice a pattern. Maybe do a daily journal on alcohol intake? I guess what it boils down to is I care and I don't want to see you waste the rest of your life at the bottom of a bottle. I think you have too much to give back to this world to allow alcohol to take you sooner than expected.

 

One day at a time my friend.

 

Thank you so much. You are such a caring person. It means a lot to me that you want the best for me. I am still drinking but not as much. I'm an honest person, that's why I am admitting that. I'm an addict. It's not pretty or what I want but I have to recognize that or I'll never heal.

 

You make so much damn sense! YES. I know what the pattern is. I'm fully aware of why I am the way I am, but that's what makes me want to self medicate more. I know I'm valuable, most of us are, but I don't love myself as much as I should. I'd rather suffer than have any loved one I know suffer. The old, "I care more about those around me than I care about myself" story.

 

Thank you so much for being here for me. You have no idea how much that means, even coming from a stranger.

[jellybean89]

If interacting with me/us gets you one step closer to sobriety, that's a win for all of us.

 

It is hard to learn to love yourself, it really is. I think we all carry baggage from parts of our past...some of us chose to bury it, some chose to self medicate and some chose to face it, conquer it and defeat it.

 

You are one step closer each day to conquering it.

 

Do me a favor. Within the next 4 days, attend 1 AA meeting. It's 1 hour out of 96 hours. Please. Just go to 1.

 

I also promise you that your loved ones love you more than you know. Whether is biological loved ones or others, they would want you to lean on them, to let them walk with you and, if needed, carry you until you have the strength to walk on your own. Think about it....if someone you loved was hurting themselves and not letting you in, how would you feel? Hurt? Like they didn't trust you? See where I am going?

 

Just 1 meeting in the next 4 days...starting today...Saturday the 10th of January. Attend 1 meeting by January 15 (that's giving you a cushion depending on when you read this). Do it for me. Do it for your loved ones. Do it for you.

[jellybean89]

Hey me....how are you?

[me85]

Hey jellybean! Sorry I am just now giving an update! I haven't gone to AA as of yet but I have slacked off of my drinking. I'm doing better at work and started back at the gym this week...it's been years so it's kicking my butt! I've been going everyday since the 21st. And I fully intend to keep going every day. It works out great with my schedule because my gym is 5 mins away from my work so I get to go on my hour break. (= My cousin joined my gym and we've been able to go together. It's really done a lot in just a matter of a few days. Things are definitely getting better. The weather is changing from cold and grey to sunshine and warmth so I don't feel depressed like the winter makes me. I have seasonal affective disorder. /=

 

Thank you so much for checking up on me!!! I hope you are well and enjoying life!!!

[jellybean89]

Thank you for checking in. Been worried about you.

 

Awesome about going to the gym. The more you do that, the more you will help your body remain healthy...and may just give you the kick in the ass you need to cut back even a tad bit more with the drinking you had to know I would say that.

 

Having your cousin working out with you is also great .. Someone to keep you motivated and sweat with.

 

You have definitely made progress since your first post on this thread. Proud of you!

[me85]

Thank you for checking in. Been worried about you.

 

Awesome about going to the gym. The more you do that, the more you will help your body remain healthy...and may just give you the kick in the ass you need to cut back even a tad bit more with the drinking you had to know I would say that.

 

Having your cousin working out with you is also great .. Someone to keep you motivated and sweat with.

 

You have definitely made progress since your first post on this thread. Proud of you!

 

Thank you so much! Your support is greatly appreciated. It's good to know there's someone out there routing for me, even if it's someone I've never met before. (=

 

It does help to have someone keep me motivated. But at this point, I'm motivating myself. Wanting to look good for the summer is all the incentive I need. Of course I want to be healthier but I really want to make 30 look good. lol

 

Yes, working out will help me drink less. I drank over the weekend but did not drink to the point of blacking out or passing out so because of that I woke up feeling perfectly fine and got things done. Yesterday was the best work out I've had all week. I went hard. I was exhausted and fell asleep by 11pm. Did not drink a drop.

 

Thank you! I feel like I've improved a lot just in a matter of one week. (=

[me85]

I can't get drunk enough. That's the sad, embarrassing truth. There's nothing wrong, really. But that's what people don't get…I don't need a reason to drink, I need a reason not to. Help is only helping so much. Meetings only make me want to bury myself deeper. Though I haven't been in over a year. I'm ashamed because I choose the wrong path. It's my ****ed up choice. With nothing else in my life that feels as good, it's hard to break away. But there are precious moments…moments that take me away from this disease…if only they could last. If only I could see myself the way my admirers see me...

[jellybean89]

me,

 

please please please - go to 1 meeting. please.

 

I promise you they will not judge you for the last year. they will not judge you or criticize you for drinking. They are there to help you. They are there to encourage you. They are there to support you.

 

You are close to your cousin - have you talked to her lately? i believe you said she knows about your drinking; are you comfortable talking to her?

 

I need you to liken your alcoholism to cancer. If you had cancer, would you not do whatever you could to kill it? Would you seek help from a qualified person? Would you pretend it wasn't happening to you?

 

Investing in AA won't cause you to pretend..it will cause you to open up and dig deep. There IS a reason why you are choosing to keep drinking...you may not see it right now, you may be blocking yourself from discovering the reason..but it is in there and only you can let it come to the surface.

 

If your cousin was in your place, would you not do everything in your power to help her? Would you not support her? Would you not want to help her get to the bottom of what is going on?

 

Please, go to 1 meeting. I want you to see your 40's. I want you to have the future I know you can have. I want you to be the man to the woman out there that is waiting to meet you. Heck, there may be children out there waiting to be born...if you just take this first step. I know it may seem like a huge step, and in some ways, it is...but in some ways, it is a baby step...and you can't move forward until you take that first step.

 

You already are further ahead than others in that you know of the issue - you know you are an alcoholic. You have admitted it and you aren't pretending about it.

 

Please...1 meeting. Do it for me - this person you have never met, but knows you have so much to give to this world. I have so much faith in you. Take that step...do it for you, for your future wife, for your future kids. Do it for your future. Please.

 

also - awesome news on working out...can you work out for me ?

[me85]

me,

 

please please please - go to 1 meeting. please.

 

I promise you they will not judge you for the last year. they will not judge you or criticize you for drinking. They are there to help you. They are there to encourage you. They are there to support you.

 

You are close to your cousin - have you talked to her lately? i believe you said she knows about your drinking; are you comfortable talking to her?

 

I need you to liken your alcoholism to cancer. If you had cancer, would you not do whatever you could to kill it? Would you seek help from a qualified person? Would you pretend it wasn't happening to you?

 

Investing in AA won't cause you to pretend..it will cause you to open up and dig deep. There IS a reason why you are choosing to keep drinking...you may not see it right now, you may be blocking yourself from discovering the reason..but it is in there and only you can let it come to the surface.

 

If your cousin was in your place, would you not do everything in your power to help her? Would you not support her? Would you not want to help her get to the bottom of what is going on?

 

Please, go to 1 meeting. I want you to see your 40's. I want you to have the future I know you can have. I want you to be the man to the woman out there that is waiting to meet you. Heck, there may be children out there waiting to be born...if you just take this first step. I know it may seem like a huge step, and in some ways, it is...but in some ways, it is a baby step...and you can't move forward until you take that first step.

 

You already are further ahead than others in that you know of the issue - you know you are an alcoholic. You have admitted it and you aren't pretending about it.

 

Please...1 meeting. Do it for me - this person you have never met, but knows you have so much to give to this world. I have so much faith in you. Take that step...do it for you, for your future wife, for your future kids. Do it for your future. Please.

 

also - awesome news on working out...can you work out for me ?

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I am a 29 yo female, btw. (;

 

When I went to a few meetings voluntarily some 2 years ago, I did feel better just listening to other people. I think because I don't wake up needing a drink or need to drink every single day makes it less severe but it most definitely could lead to those extremes. I know that it could. Eventually. But I am doing a bit better. I am taking baby steps. I promise! The other night I was a bit tipsy and complete honesty took hold and I needed to post in this thread, because after all, I did start it as a journal for myself and I am grateful for the support of others.

 

My cousin is sweet and loving but not necessarily supportive. She likes to drink just as much as I do. We don't go out and party though. I am past that in my older age. It did start out that she motivated me to get back in the gym but we are on different schedules and she wants to do her own thing which is totally cool and doesn't bother me at all. She's only 23 and she's very self involved. She's got a lot going on and she's not really known for making grown up decisions. She has always lived with her parents and mostly just wants to spend money willy-nilly ... so there is a lot she still has to learn in life and doesn't seem to really be focusing on it as much as she needs to and I sure don't have a right to lecture her or be on her case. We are only somewhat close. Anyways, it's not anyone's to be responsible for me or help me through anything. I really do fine on my own but I do go through stages of despair.

 

I really have made my situation sound worse than it really is and caused you a scare Yes, I'm an alcoholic but it isn't as bad as it could be but undoubtedly it will get worse if I don't get back into AA. You're 100% right.

 

haha, ya I'll work out for you!

[jellybean89]

Boy, don't I feel so dumb! I guess I read a lot of posts with certain visions in my head. Please accept my apologies.

 

But hey, nothing wrong if you married a wonderful woman, if that is the team you are on

 

Seriously tho, you are right, we all make our own choices and decisions. We can reach out for support and advice, but ultimately, it is our own responsibility the decisions we make.

 

I've seen so much hurt, so much sadness and I don't want to think of you enduring that heartache.

 

As you know, not needing a drink first thing in the morning doesn't mean there isn't an issue. The very fact that you are open and honest about alcohol means you are further ahead than so any others who have this disease. I don't want you to wake up 10 years from now with nothing, having lost family, home, job, etc to this disease. I don't mean to come off as anything other than caring and supportive..I apologize if I don't express that well.

 

You express yourself so well and now the picture in my head, in which you are female, makes me know that you have so much to give to this world...I don't want alcohol to stop that or to deter you from all that you have to offer.

 

Baby steps are great! Better than no steps and definitely better than denial. Keep making those baby steps!

 

And big thanks for doing the workouts for me!

[TaylorTrek]

me85, good for you that you're getting better.

Unlike me, just getting to realize that I should stop my drinking, it gotten worse, its affecting my work and my family. I should have prevented this to happen in the beginning. But I'm currently going through AA and now planning to go through different Alcohol recovery Treatment programs and hopefully that would work for me. One step at a time. Just wish me luck. Best wishes to us and lets have a sober life!

Oh one more thing, we could all work out together.