RMR043 Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 Hi all, newbie here. Long story, short version. Married 16 years to husband with anger issues. Verbally, emotionally abusive, hair-trigger temper. Finally got tired of his stuff and called the cops on him. He spent 3 weeks in the county jail, got a plea agreement, probation. Now...I accepted a job in a different state and due to his probation, he is not able to come here. I've been here 3 months, and have started making a life for myself here. I enjoy the peace and quiet of my home and my critters. Told him I wanted a divorce. He is swearing up and down he now realizes what he did to me, and how much he hurt me and how he wants to make it up to me. Thing is, I've heard this all before and well...he has yet to keep those promises. This time, he's in counseling, he is taking the court-ordered DV classes and goes to AA. Is it possible for him to really change? Is it possible for me to get over the anger and resentment I feel? Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 (edited) No, it is NOT possible for him to change and he's only saying those things to suck you back in. Please do not fall for this. He's a classic case that Lundy Bancroft writes about in his book, Why Does He Do That? (inside the minds of angry and controlling men). Bancroft was a court-ordered shrink and he saw literally thousands of abusive men. This is what they all do. They're all remorseful at first. Then a short time later, they're kind of sorry but kind of not. Within another few weeks, they're saying the witch deserved it and was asking for it. And I'm not saying that some of the abusers did this. ALL of them did it. Bancroft's book was a huge eye opener for me in understanding the mind set of an abuser. They actually thrive on abuse and this is something that normal people simply don't comprehend. But it makes them feel powerful. What you did by leaving was take away his power and he's now scrambling to get that power back. I always say that these guys deserve an Oscar for the convincing performances they put on. Trust your instincts and experience. Nothing changed before, nothing ever will. The biggest flaw in his argument is that it took him 16 years to figure out what abuse was doing to you? Hmmm, then he's pretty dumb. What I would say to him about his new found revelation is, "I'm really glad you now understand this, honey. Now you'll do better in your next relationship. I wish you the best." Edited December 13, 2014 by bathtub-row 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 Had he in the time you were apart managed to find another victim, he would not be wanting to come back to you. I am glad he is going to counselling, DV classes an AA but only so that he doesn't mess someone else up. But for you to take him back would not be a good idea. It would be all too easy for you both to slip straight back into the abusive rut you were in before he left. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 With the AA meetings at the DV counseling he may change. But for it to be permanent those have to be changes he wants, not just ones he's making because it was court ordered or because you want him to. You have only been gone for 3 months vs a 16 year marriage. I would keep the lines of communication open. See how well he's progressing & if he is making an effort to change. Then see if you are willing to make a go of it with a sober kinder him. If he slips back to his old, violent ways, move forward with the divorce & don't look back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RMR043 Posted December 13, 2014 Author Share Posted December 13, 2014 Supposedly he acts the way he does because he was abused as a child. I know he had a horrible temper growing up and his mother wouldn't stand up to him because she felt sorry for him. I am tired of dealing with an essentially overgrown 2 year old who throws temper tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants. I care for him but I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life with someone that I don't feel I can trust. We are meeting with a marriage counselor when he comes here for Christmas (his probation officer gave him a travel pass for the holidays). I will see what happens then. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 Supposedly he acts the way he does because he was abused as a child. I know he had a horrible temper growing up and his mother wouldn't stand up to him because she felt sorry for him. I am tired of dealing with an essentially overgrown 2 year old who throws temper tantrums when he doesn't get what he wants. I care for him but I don't think I want to spend the rest of my life with someone that I don't feel I can trust. We are meeting with a marriage counselor when he comes here for Christmas (his probation officer gave him a travel pass for the holidays). I will see what happens then. That's how I came to feel about my husband too. Like he was having overgrown 2 year old temper tantrums. I stopped looking at him as "someone hurting from his childhood" and see him as someone doing the hurting. It cleared things up for me fast. I had a crappy childhood too. He never would have tolerated 1% of the garbage he put ne thrpugh. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RMR043 Posted December 13, 2014 Author Share Posted December 13, 2014 There's a part of me that wants to believe that he can change and has changed. There's also a part of me that thinks he's just a lying liar who lies. We'll see. He won't be here permanently until February at the earliest. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 13, 2014 Share Posted December 13, 2014 Repeat after me. I enjoy the peace and quiet of my home and my critters. I enjoy the peace and quiet of my home and my critters. I enjoy the peace and quiet of my home and my critters. I enjoy the peace and quiet of my home and my critters. I enjoy the peace and quiet of my home and my critters. ... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RMR043 Posted December 13, 2014 Author Share Posted December 13, 2014 (edited) Repeat after me. I enjoy the peace and quiet of my home and my critters. I enjoy the peace and quiet of my home and my critters. I enjoy the peace and quiet of my home and my critters. I enjoy the peace and quiet of my home and my critters. I enjoy the peace and quiet of my home and my critters. ... Yes!!! Peaceful, quiet, the only chaos is when the kittens are on a rampage (playing and chasing each other). I do what I want, when I want (I need to get moving on my chores but my motivation went on vacation without me). I am peaceful and HAPPY for the first time in YEARS!!! Oh, and I just ordered Bancroft's book from my local Barnes & Noble. Edited December 13, 2014 by RMR043 added thought 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 Personally, I don't have confidence that an angry man can change. I think others would disagree, but my feeling is that if he was capable of bullying before, then even if he gets to the bottom of why he is angry, it isn't necessarily going to stop him behaving the same way. It's good he's getting help, but it doesn't mean he deserves a second chance with you. You've 'done your time' with him and you've found a more peaceful life. Why would you want to risk that? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Quest Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 Personally, I don't have confidence that an angry man can change. I think others would disagree, but my feeling is that if he was capable of bullying before, then even if he gets to the bottom of why he is angry, it isn't necessarily going to stop him behaving the same way. It's good he's getting help, but it doesn't mean he deserves a second chance with you. You've 'done your time' with him and you've found a more peaceful life. Why would you want to risk that? Agree with this. If he's doing all the things you say, that's great - and I do think people can change if they really put a huge amount of effort in, doing counselling, seeking the right help for their issues etc. But - and it's a big 'but' - not everyone does. You'd be risking all the peace and happiness you've now found if you took him back. There's also the issue of the dynamic the two of you had over so many years. How easy would it be to avoid slipping back into that? Then again, all relationships involve risk - there are no guarantees with anyone. It's just that this is a big risk, one you can actually see. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 You have to do what's best for you. If it's getting rid of him, so be it. But if when you see him for Christmas he seems to on the path to no longer being a spoiled over grown child & is trying to grow up, give him a chance. Otherwise adios. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RMR043 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Share Posted December 15, 2014 I just downloaded and read the book. Took copious notes too. I think that this will be a topic for discussion when he is here at Christmas. I will see what his attitudes are regarding what I read...it was scary, I could see him in a lot of what was written. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 Why did you call the police on him? What was he charged with? Does he have previous arrests? For them to give him probation there's usually a record that has followed. If so, you already know how this is gonna turn out. I would suggest you focus more on why you want this kind of person in your life? Why don't you believe you deserve a loving man that adores you? What have you done to work on your self esteem, worth, respect? I considered going back to my exh after he pushed me really hard in my chest and felt bad after I had him arrested. Now looking back on that I was still deep in my codependency and my self worth was non existent. Five years later, I only want a man that speaks and treats me with the utmost love and respect. Nothing less will do. Best wishes to you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RMR043 Posted December 15, 2014 Author Share Posted December 15, 2014 Why did you call the police on him? What was he charged with? Does he have previous arrests? For them to give him probation there's usually a record that has followed. If so, you already know how this is gonna turn out. I would suggest you focus more on why you want this kind of person in your life? Why don't you believe you deserve a loving man that adores you? What have you done to work on your self esteem, worth, respect? I considered going back to my exh after he pushed me really hard in my chest and felt bad after I had him arrested. Now looking back on that I was still deep in my codependency and my self worth was non existent. Five years later, I only want a man that speaks and treats me with the utmost love and respect. Nothing less will do. Best wishes to you He was drunk and pissed off and tore up the house. He threatened suicide and walked out of the house. I called the cops. He was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. He spent three weeks in the county jail. He signed a plea agreement and was sentenced to 18 months probation. He has never laid hands on me because he knows I will kick his butt. I don't feel bad for having called the cops, I don't feel bad that he woke up in a jail cell with no recollection of what he did. I don't even feel bad that he's stuck in a homeless shelter in Phoenix while I'm enjoying my nice home in Las Vegas. Guess I have my answer then, don't I... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted December 15, 2014 Share Posted December 15, 2014 There's a part of me that wants to believe that he can change and has changed. There's also a part of me that thinks he's just a lying liar who lies. We'll see. He won't be here permanently until February at the earliest. Wait, sorry, what? He's planning to permanently move to your new city? Are you encouraging this? Where will he live when he gets there? I hope not with you. Let him stay where he is and continue his treatment. His anger and abuse issues aren't going to be solved that quickly, if ever. And even if he "completes" counseling, I'm not sure a partnership would ever really work with you two, as elaine567 explained: It would be all too easy for you both to slip straight back into the abusive rut you were in before he left. It is a blessing that there is some space between you two. Be sure to maintain that space. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Wait, sorry, what? He's planning to permanently move to your new city? Are you encouraging this? Where will he live when he gets there? Yep. This is completely nuts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RMR043 Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 He has a job offer here...there's bunches of apartments Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 He has a job offer here...there's bunches of apartments Too bad. It was a better deal when he lived further away. Just my opinion. Now he's back in your realm again. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Don't fall for it - you'll land very hard on square one, and all the progress you've made will go up in flames. No, no, a thousand times no. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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