Why do a lot of women expect MORE for LESS?

[MissBee]

Compare your story to what Mangina posted here. He admits to struggling in dating, and as a result, he would be willing to ignore some red flags to be with someone.

 

People have higher standards either because they can get them, or they think they can. You say that 45 out of 50 of your messages weren't options. Well, if you no longer got those 5 messages you do consider options, your standards might change.

 

I have seen how OLD works from many different perspectives. I know good looking guys who message average looking women just trying to get laid. Those women then start to alter their standards because they think they can get guys like that. When that doesn't work out, it's ok, because there are 4 other good looking options messaging you, right?

 

 

I think the problem too might be the definition of what a standard is, as I'm sure based on some of the responses people are using different definitions of what a standard is. Your example about good looking/hot men for example isn't what I think of when I talk about my standards. Being "hot" or good looking is not a "standard" for me personally. I need to be attracted to someone to be with them, but attraction isn't simply if he looks good or not. Some of those men who sent me messages that I ignored were hot but severely lacked the things I find more important. I appreciate a good looking man but you gotta be more than that. And I think that's a major place where my standards come in. My standards are more along the lines of: is he on the same intellectual wavelength, do we have organic convos that flow, is he witty,do we have similar backgrounds and more importantly are we looking for the same thing. A lot of men message me and in their profile it says they are looking for: nothing serious, casual, hanging out, fun etc...NONE of these things are what I'm looking for so that also instantly disqualifies a man for me. I don't all of a sudden change my standard to say now I'm looking to hang out just because most of the men who message me are looking for that.

 

 

You know what happens when I don't get the 5 messages that are options? I don't go out with ANYONE... like now. I only started back OLD this year and was on it a month before I found a boyfriend after going on two dates. I got back on it like 2 months ago and went on 2 dates as well. My profile is up but I rarely check it and am currently focused on other things but point is: there is no desperate attempt for a date on my par. As long as I am not seeing any profiles of men I'm interested in or am not getting good messages I simply carry on and live my life. I don't alter my standard just to get someone. My standards are all reasonable and things I've learned from lots of dating and lots of dating with a lot looser standards. I cannot fathom going back to that as I ended up in so many precarious or complete waste of time scenarios because of it, which is I suppose what youth is for and goes back to OP's original question about "more for less." When I was 18 I was a kid, I accepted way less and was more open to seeing what's what. I'm older now and *gasp* I grew up and learned a lot and now want more and accept less. It's like when you're a teenager and you got your first job, when you just start working especially if you aren't highly skilled you will be happy to get any job and accept any pay which is better than the no income you had before. But once you go to college, graduate school, have more experience, more advanced degrees, networked, worked on lots of projections and have built a career and impressive portfolio, you simply are NOT going to accept certain jobs. Your minimum for salary, benefits, hours etc. will be completely different than when you're 16 working a summer job. When looking for jobs or getting offers you will ignore those that you KNOW are not commensurate with your experience and what you're looking for. This is normal. The OP though thinks growing older means women are less or something but are requiring more when like the career, you gain more and know more as an older person so can require more than a doe-eyed teen.

 

Now, I go on way less dates, but more quality ones. I have way less exciting stories of dating horrors and dramas than I used to, as now I pick carefully so even with guys it doesn't work out with they are all pretty normal and decent guys...whereas before when I was just going out with anyone with wild abandon I had story upon story of craziness and it got tiring very quickly. Thus my standards are pretty much what they are and are non-negotiable. I have negotiable things but I don't count them as standards...but my actual standards themselves aren't anything I twist and tweak based on OLD messages.

 

If one is desperate or struggling and wants to ignore red flags because of it, that's a whole other ball game and it's within their right to do so, not sure of the ultimate point of willingly dating folks with red flags unless it's just to sleep with them. But for me, I'm not desperate so if no one who catches my fancy messages me I stay single and live my life until something worth my time comes along. Nowadays, unlike when I was 18, I'm pretty dead-set on what I want and don't want and if I can't get what I want...then it's singlehood for me until such time. *shrug* That's really what happens. I have experienced for myself that when I lower my standards I may go out with more men but end up a lot unhappier and get into some frustrating, crazy or time wasting scenarios whereas when I increase them it means less dates but more quality and less drama for me.

 

I guess I'm not desperate and also don't hate being single to the point of preferring ANYONE just to be with someone. I get more frustrated, stressed and annoyed when I'm trying to piece together a relationship with someone who isn't a good fit for me than if I were to just be single. So point is: my standards aren't dictated in ANY shape by OLD. I went into it already knowing what I want and don't want and the key thing is I am perfectly okay with being single if I feel what's there isn't a good fit for me. Desperate people are operating from a whole other paradigm.

Edited December 14, 2014 by MissBee

[elaine567]

I guess I'm not desperate and also don't hate being single to the point of preferring ANYONE just to be with someone. I get more frustrated, stressed and annoyed when I'm trying to piece together a relationship with someone who isn't a good fit for me than if I were to just be single. So point is: my standards aren't dictated in ANY shape by OLD. I went into it already knowing what I want and don't want and the key thing is I am perfectly okay with being single if I feel what's there isn't a good fit for me. Desperate people are operating from a whole other paradigm.

 

I think that the preference for singlehood is a factor that is lost on some too. Not only do women get pickier as they age, some are also willing to accept singlehood rather than be hitched to some incompatible man.

[xxoo]

I'm not a woman, so I have no idea.

 

If a woman were intelligent, she would primarily do the chasing herself.

 

That's why I believe that dating is extremely easy for women.

 

The number of viable options the average woman has compared to the average man is ridiculous.

 

If there are no men who are good relationship prospects PLUS she wants to have sex with, then there are no viable options.

 

Most women are picky because they'd rather be single than have less than that mark. Yes, that excludes a ton of men, and that's ok with her.

[NJ123]

If there are no men who are good relationship prospects PLUS she wants to have sex with, then there are no viable options.

 

Most women are picky because they'd rather be single than have less than that mark. Yes, that excludes a ton of men, and that's ok with her.

 

I don't think that's necessarily true about most women rather be single. A lot of women really dislike being alone & tend to monkey branch after ending a relationship. For some of them the thought of being alone is really scary to them, and need some sort of companionship.

[xxoo]

I don't think that's necessarily true about most women rather be single. A lot of women really dislike being alone & tend to monkey branch after ending a relationship. For some of them the thought of being alone is really scary to them, and need some sort of companionship.

 

Well, those are different women. They aren't the ones staying single for years.

 

The women who are picky, I'm saying, are picky because they would rather be single than settle.

 

Men are similar. Some will want to be with someone, anyone. Others would rather be single for long periods of time than be in a relationship that's "good enough".

[NJ123]

Well, those are different women. They aren't the ones staying single for years.

 

The women who are picky, I'm saying, are picky because they would rather be single than settle.

 

Men are similar. Some will want to be with someone, anyone. Others would rather be single for long periods of time than be in a relationship that's "good enough".

 

Well, fair enough. But I don't understand why some men just settle for anyone though. I just feel like it'll make them feel worse in the end when inevitably they will break up since they wouldn't be compatible. It would make their self esteem likely worse.

[xxoo]

Well, fair enough. But I don't understand why some men just settle for anyone though. I just feel like it'll make them feel worse in the end when inevitably they will break up since they wouldn't be compatible. It would make their self esteem likely worse.

 

They'll just monkey branch to the next, too.

[Maleficent]

I don't think that's necessarily true about most women rather be single. A lot of women really dislike being alone & tend to monkey branch after ending a relationship. For some of them the thought of being alone is really scary to them, and need some sort of companionship.

 

Most of us hate being alone. It's not the point.

 

The point is that we would rather be alone than with a man we are not attracted to/not in love with.

[NJ123]

They'll just monkey branch to the next, too.

 

Possibly, but those men will never have a healthy relationship that way.

[Maleficent]

Well, fair enough. But I don't understand why some men just settle for anyone though. I just feel like it'll make them feel worse in the end when inevitably they will break up since they wouldn't be compatible. It would make their self esteem likely worse.

 

 

Exactly. If men are not expected to settle, why would women?

[smg15]

Most of us hate being alone. It's not the point.

 

The point is that we would rather be alone than with a man we are not attracted to/not in love with.

 

Im a man and feel the same. What's the point in being in a relationship with someone Im not attracted to?

[xxoo]

Possibly, but those men will never have a healthy relationship that way.

 

Exactly! And the same for women. That's why it's much healthier for men AND women to be comfortable single and be picky enough to wait for a really compelling mutual connection.

[Maleficent]

Exactly! And the same for women. That's why it's much healthier for men AND women to be comfortable single and be picky enough to wait for a really compelling mutual connection.

 

THERE!

 

Why is it so hard to understand to some people? Gosh I feel like this has been the caramilk secret of dating...

[NJ123]

THERE!

 

Why is it so hard to understand to some people? Gosh I feel like this has been the caramilk secret of dating...

 

It's not that I don't understand that people do it, I just wonder why when it'll never lead to a healthy relationship if their desperate & pick the first person available to them regardless of any chemistry or not. Just doesn't make sense to me to do that.

[elaine567]

It's not that I don't understand that people do it, I just wonder why when it'll never lead to a healthy relationship if their desperate & pick the first person available to them regardless of any chemistry or not. Just doesn't make sense to me to do that.

 

Some feel they can fix the imperfections, they see it as a challenge, "i'll tame him" or "I'll make her love me".

[MissBee]

Exactly! And the same for women. That's why it's much healthier for men AND women to be comfortable single and be picky enough to wait for a really compelling mutual connection.

 

This is how I operate.

 

When I was younger I thrived a lot more on male validation and just having men around for the sake of it. Although, even then, I didn't get into relationships with most of them.

 

Now, I'm perfectly happy being single and see no desire to change this (or accumulate a bunch of backups) unless someone really compelling comes my way.

[autumnnight]

This is what a certqain portion of men want:

 

They want it to be easy to get laid while they sow their wild oats.

 

They want the people who are willing to lay easily with them to be 9's or 10's

 

They don't want any strings unless THEY want strings and then the woman should be happy with those strings

 

Once they have their oats out of their system, they want a girl who DIDN'T lay easily with lots of other giuys to be easy to catch for a real relationship

 

They want said woman to stick with them through thick and thin and give them lots of sex regardless of how hard the men work on the relationship

 

They want this woman to have their babies and raise them without losing her figure

 

They want her to work enough so that she does not ask for money but not enough that they will be expected to clean or raise the kids unless they are in the mood

 

IF they buy a girl dinner when they are horny and she DOESN'T sleep with them, they want the rest of the world, including women, to agree that they have been played and insulted and that the world is out to get them

 

They believe the above with all their hearts and are incapable of entertaining the idea that maybe believing the above is WHY they have so little luck with women.

[somedude81]

If there are no men who are good relationship prospects PLUS she wants to have sex with, then there are no viable options.

 

Most women are picky because they'd rather be single than have less than that mark. Yes, that excludes a ton of men, and that's ok with her.

 

You expect me to believe that there aren't any men who are good relationship prospects that she is also attracted to out of the thousands of available men in her area?

 

I would really appreciate it if one or more women came forward and stated around how many experience interest in her beyond sex in a given month.

 

It is annoying that most women don't want to admit that dating for them is simply much easier than it is for men. The simple fact that women get approached on a regular basis means they have it easier.

[somedude81]

Im a man and feel the same. What's the point in being in a relationship with someone Im not attracted to?

 

And how often do you meet women that you are attracted to?

 

How many women right now do you know that you are attracted to and would like to go on a date with them?

[smg15]

And how often do you meet women that you are attracted to?

 

How many women right now do you know that you are attracted to and would like to go on a date with them?

 

Im not on the market right now since Im focused on my finances. Only meeting women to come to my apt and relax not going on a date.

[somedude81]

Exactly. If men are not expected to settle, why would women?

 

I believe that men and women have a different view of what settling is.

 

For me, I would be settling if I dated a woman I had absolutely no attraction to or she had a personality that I didn't get along with at all.

 

A woman might see settling as being with an altogether great guy, but he doesn't have a voice like Benedict Cumberbatch.

[smg15]

I believe that men and women have a different view of what settling is.

 

For me, I would be settling if I dated a woman I had absolutely no attraction to or she had a personality that I didn't get along with at all.

 

A woman might see settling as being with an altogether great guy, but he doesn't have a voice like Benedict Cumberbatch.

 

For a man to do something like that would have to be financial reasons

[somedude81]

Not in my area especially for women over 25. There are far more options for men than the other way around ( in regards to men looking for relationships). And many of my unmarried and/or divorced friends have said that OLD is hard to find a guy not looking for a one night stand.

 

LOL!

 

And what makes you say that men have more options than women do?

 

I seriously doubt that your friends can't find any many who aren't looking for just sex. My guess is that they are only looking at a select few men, and those men only want sex. The other men who do want a relationship aren't "good enough" to be considered.

[stillmind]

I believe that men and women have a different view of what settling is.

 

For me, I would be settling if I dated a woman I had absolutely no attraction to or she had a personality that I didn't get along with at all.

 

A woman might see settling as being with an altogether great guy, but he doesn't have a voice like Benedict Cumberbatch.

 

MOST men have higher standards than "not hideous" and "not completely awful".

 

Most men exclude women from the pool of potential matches based on all kinds of factors -- age, height, weight, race, culture, religion, intelligence, career, political views, sense of humor, hobbies, whether or not she likes pets, how well she can cook, does she want kids, does she have kids, etc etc etc.

 

Women don't have this infinite dating pool of men desperate to partner with them because they're not hideous. Men have standards for long-term relationships just like women do. It might be easier for women to find a casual sex partner, but a quality dating partner? Absolutely not.

[xxoo]

You expect me to believe that there aren't any men who are good relationship prospects that she is also attracted to out of the thousands of available men in her area?

 

I would really appreciate it if one or more women came forward and stated around how many experience interest in her beyond sex in a given month.

 

Good relationship prospects who want a relationship with her are rare--for every woman. Most men don't want a relationship with her.

 

From that pool, then, she must also feel attraction. It's a small number of men that fit that role.

 

Think of it this way: if a woman knows a man who is a good relationship prospect, he is interested in a relationship with her, and she's sexually attracted to him, why wouldn't she be dating him? She'd be wildly in love!