When a woman is done, she's done!

[Country_Girl]

Me, being female, I've noticed this trend amongst myself and other females.

 

If a guy puts me off via dating or a long term relationship, I'm pretty much done. Not that I want to be, I'll still try to rationalize, but in the end I come to the same conclusion.

 

I've noticed guys are more forgiving. Why is that?

 

I'm actually a really forgiving person, but for some reason I have a hard time forgiving dates/ bf's for what they said. I don't want to be this way, not really fair to forgive a stranger over someone you know intimately.

 

I'd attribute this to a character defect, but all my female friends are the same. You get put off by someone, and there's no way for the guy to redeem himself. And you might even want the attraction back, but it cannot be gained.

 

Anyone else experience something similar?

[Els]

What exactly do you get put off by? If you get put off by something like verbal abuse, putting you down, etc, then it sounds like a reasonable response. On the other hand, if you get put off by something that you yourself acknowledge isn't a big deal, then I think it might help for you to delve deeper into the issue.

[M30USA]

Me, being female, I've noticed this trend amongst myself and other females.

 

If a guy puts me off via dating or a long term relationship, I'm pretty much done. Not that I want to be, I'll still try to rationalize, but in the end I come to the same conclusion.

 

I've noticed guys are more forgiving. Why is that?

 

I'm actually a really forgiving person, but for some reason I have a hard time forgiving dates/ bf's for what they said. I don't want to be this way, not really fair to forgive a stranger over someone you know intimately.

 

I'd attribute this to a character defect, but all my female friends are the same. You get put off by someone, and there's no way for the guy to redeem himself. And you might even want the attraction back, but it cannot be gained.

 

Anyone else experience something similar?

 

Our society, with its laws and norms, is set up so that men are FORCED to be more forgiving; while women can pretty much be who they want without any external pressure to change.

[Arieswoman]

M30USA,

 

Our society, with its laws and norms, is set up so that men are FORCED to be more forgiving; while women can pretty much be who they want without any external pressure to change.

 

Hmmm, not sure about that.

 

I understand, however, that in UK in 2012 65% of the divorces granted were to women.

 

Divorces in England and Wales infographic - ONS

[Light Breeze]

What exactly do you get put off by? If you get put off by something like verbal abuse, putting you down, etc, then it sounds like a reasonable response. On the other hand, if you get put off by something that you yourself acknowledge isn't a big deal, then I think it might help for you to delve deeper into the issue.

 

I agree with this. If its something like abuse or putting you down then it would be a reasonable response, male or female. But the small things... Well...

 

Based on my limited experience Some females (apply to males too I guess, but from what I see mostly apply to females) are like this.

 

They get put off by minute things that cause them to fall out of love or lose attraction. Maybe it's just part of their personalities which they might have gotten from their family backgrounds or media (romance novels, films etc.). The end result is they tend to hunt for the perfect guy, then when they get put off by small things (to a male's perspective) then that perfect guy is gone... Poof! Love is gone too and time to look for another. Leaving their partners devastated. Again, just talking from experience.

 

I have read an article (don't remember the link though) that men tend to look at the bigger picture than women. I sort of agree (applies to me and some guys I know). So I guess that is why they are more forgiving. Just my 2 cents.

[lauri]

Women tend to build up the breakup much longer than a man would. Sometimes, a woman will test a man for a good 3-5 months, and when he starts to fail those tests, her interest level continues to drop until the point of no return. Once it drops low enough, they'll never ever be able to be in love with you again. This is why inexperienced people in love struggle during this "backing off period" that some girls go through..and instead of leaving her alone, we start to fight to win them back which sometimes only pushes them further away. Also, when that interest level drops / is dropping, that means she isn't statisfied and doesn't believe she has the best she can get...so she starts to look and a lot of the time, she will find another guy she's interested in. Women are happiest when they believe they are with the best guy they are capable of being with..if they feel there is better, then you're screwed.

 

Guys on the other hand, don't build up breakups (in general) as long as a woman. Sometimes our decisions are made irrationally or impusely, but we never would drag it on for an extended period of time. Id break up with girls due to somethings that happen or a combination of things..but as soon as I knew it was over, I'd pull the trigger. My ex dragged it out for 3 months and pretended to want to continue, but she checked out and knew she was done with me before finally ending the relationship. This isn't saying a guy is likely to go back to an ex, but if he does, I believe he has a chance to be in love her, unlike a girl who has a few months of negatives built up in her brain that she will never forget about him.

Edited December 13, 2014 by lauri

[HurtGator]

You want a partner that will stick by you throughout the good and bad days. Our feelings for our partners come and go but at the end of the day, if our partners are good people that are doing the best they can for you and your relationship then you should be lucky to have found them. I believe that couples initially get together based on infatuation and then the lucky couples stay together based on loyalty, companionship, and trust.

 

If your partner leaves you after a while because they don't love you anymore, consider yourself fortunate they left on their own because you don't want an unreliable person who is just chasing rainbows and unicorns.

[erklat]

How do you explain woman who reconcile then - and that number is not meaningless?

[Dobie]

I've never had a women reconcile nor have i seen it among friends/family ...

 

they tend to have decided months and months before a BU .

 

men tend to leave because they want new strange or got caught with new strange .

 

women tend to be harder to please in relationships than a man

 

men want sex, care, no dramas, and loyalty give them those things and most men don't think any further

 

women constantly analyze everything about thier man and the relationship and hold it up against

others and societies expectations of what a relationship should be , grumble moan and feel short changed.

 

of course i am talking imho and in general.

Edited December 13, 2014 by Dobie

[lauri]

How do you explain woman who reconcile then - and that number is not meaningless?

 

I'll give you an example. My ex chased me for a year, tried to get back into my life after she dumped me. She lost interest...it took her a total of 5 days to realize I'm still the same person and not what she wants. A lot of women may try to reconcile when they are cut off..but once they get that guy back they'll still remember all those negative attributes about them...no matter how perfect the guy may be on paper.

 

I've had friends who got back with an ex who dumped them AFTER she dated a new guy / slept with one etc and "realized they made a mistake" (because the other guy didn't want to commit to them / wasn't what they appeared to be). And then lone behold, that same girl ended up leaving my friends after another new guy pops up...this is why when a woman ends it due to her losing interest (not due to other reasoning such as family forcing it), its done forever. This isnt unique and it happens quite often...some people are just selfish and will use someone as a safety net until they find their uprade.

[SpiralOut]

It could be an evolutionary thing. Women need to be more picky about their partners because when she gets pregnant and starts to raise children she needs a partner she can count on. In older times, she needed a man who was strong enough to stay alive and put food on the table. Now, women are more independent. We can make our own money and if we choose to we can get a divorce and be single-parents. However, it's still preferable to have a two-parent family. Men on the other hand, if they have a family, typically don't get full custody after divorce. Yes they still have to pay child support (or should be) but they don't need to juggle childcare with their career. That's assuming that they even stick around. They might choose to be uninvolved or even skip out on the payments, totally screwing the woman over.

 

 

I don't mean for that to sound like a man hater rant. Men can get screwed over in different ways, especially now that we have laws in place. But in older times, women had fewer rights and needed to be more careful. So I think that's why still to this day women are naturally careful about who they date.

[Gloria25]

I don't know about gender, but for me it depends on the guy and the circumstances....

 

Some guys I give "one" chance...some, I give gosh, "many" chances. But God help them the day I'm DONE.

 

When I'm done, I'm flippin' done!!!

 

That's why people friending their exes on Facebook, staying in communication with exes (especially for years and/or they are seeing other people) - especially when it was a bad RL raises red flags to me. When someone doesn't do right by me and I get DONE, I'm DONE. And yes, I've had exes contact me and stuff and again, I'M DONE. I do not "try again"...cuz guess what? YOU'RE DONE.

 

So, men out there, Gloria25 has an announcement which is: "Once I'm DONE, you are not coming back".

[Danda]

Can only speak for myself, but I like to be really sure before making a decision like that (such as a break up).

 

I think part of it is that I can be moody (I even have a medicated mood disorder, ****, lol). But I am self-aware to the extent that if I am feeling negative towards someone, I want to just ride it out for a while and make sure I'm not just being irrational or moody.

 

I'm not sure if women in general are conditioned more to doubt their own feelings.. I mean there is a lot of 'humor' about female moods, PMS, hormones, etc. Lots of jokes about how women are 'crazy' and don't know what they want and are impossible to figure out (etc etc etc).

 

So again I'm not sure how much of my caution in such regards is due to self-awareness of the occasional mood issue, being female in this society or maybe a combination of both.

 

I think women do tend to be open to forgiveness but they want genuine changes/improvements that aren't forced via ultimatums (just speaking generally, of course). So they will usually 'stealth' it for a few months to see if things get better or not, and if not, then they bail.

 

I do agree that men tend to be a bit more impulsive and doubt their gut feelings less, and are probably less conditioned to want to 'fix' a relationship than to say, "Yeah this isn't working."

 

But I've seen special exceptions on both sides of the fence, too.

[lauri]

It could be an evolutionary thing. Women need to be more picky about their partners because when she gets pregnant and starts to raise children she needs a partner she can count on. In older times, she needed a man who was strong enough to stay alive and put food on the table. Now, women are more independent. We can make our own money and if we choose to we can get a divorce and be single-parents. However, it's still preferable to have a two-parent family. Men on the other hand, if they have a family, typically don't get full custody after divorce. Yes they still have to pay child support (or should be) but they don't need to juggle childcare with their career. That's assuming that they even stick around. They might choose to be uninvolved or even skip out on the payments, totally screwing the woman over.

 

 

I don't mean for that to sound like a man hater rant. Men can get screwed over in different ways, especially now that we have laws in place. But in older times, women had fewer rights and needed to be more careful. So I think that's why still to this day women are naturally careful about who they date.

 

Your post does sound like a man bashing one lol. I think in my opinon get the short end of the stick in todays society. It makes economical sence for a woman to move forward with a divorce today compared to before. Tell me why my cousin who worked his entire life had to pay half of his money to a woman who was cheating? She took his house and his money and moved her boyfriend in. Would she be looking to do this and cheating if she knew she'd lose a big house and financial stability? I don't know.

 

I think that it is a very scary world to live in now as a male looking to get married. All it takes is choosing the wrong person and you could get screwed. I feel bad for a lot of the kids growing up now because there is so much instability with relationships that we don't know what's right from wrong anymore. I look at the era my parents grew up together and they built a strong solid family...I guess my mom put more emphasis and importance on finding an amazing guy...I'm wondering if she grew up now would she have had the mentality.

[todreaminblue]

a guy can put me off by what he says......but i forgive......if i see cruelty however.....or hear cruelty.....that guy isnt for me......i have forgiven the worst in quite a few men....i wouldnt be with any of them again though......or see them again......i am only human...

 

 

a few wrong words.....are easy... i have forgiven worse....

 

guys have a tendency of not knowing when they actually do hurt me.....so i have to be more upfront about that...for me a verbal exchange takes two....one to talk one to listen.....and it is also my responsibility if i hear something i dont like, to speak up and say hey....thin ice ahead...if i am put off by a guy....i am more likely to speak up to give him a chance to reword what he says......and mostly guys...they reword what they say....everyone says the wrong thing....no one is perfect and most of the time has no bearing on their hearts contents...which holds my interest in place when the words come out that put me off........deb

[Gloria25]

 

I do agree that men tend to be a bit more impulsive and doubt their gut feelings less, and are probably less conditioned to want to 'fix' a relationship than to say, "Yeah this isn't working."

 

But I've seen special exceptions on both sides of the fence, too.

 

I agree to an extent ^^...and, maybe my post (below) gives some examples of "exceptions".

 

I think men naturally want to "provide and protect" and some - especially military types - get into a "Captain save a Hoe" complex where they want to "fix" damaged women. Reminds me of my last FWB. He said several times that she (his now ex) was "mentally ill" and just needed "help".

 

But, I believe men who "stick it out" have some misplaced need to "provide and protect". Also, IMO, men are "fixers"...if they can't "fix" a woman, they feel like a failure.

 

Now, both genders, IMO, who "stick it out" often think they can't do better - so they seek out someone that will "need" them (need someone to "fix" them); and/or, are probably living out a childhood issue (like a gf of mine with an alcoholic father, who married twice - both alcoholics).

[Danda]

I agree to an extent ^^...and, maybe my post (below) gives some examples of "exceptions".

 

I think men naturally want to "provide and protect" and some - especially military types - get into a "Captain save a Hoe" complex where they want to "fix" damaged women. Reminds me of my last FWB. He said several times that she (his now ex) was "mentally ill" and just needed "help".

 

But, I believe men who "stick it out" have some misplaced need to "provide and protect". Also, IMO, men are "fixers"...if they can't "fix" a woman, they feel like a failure.

 

Now, both genders, IMO, who "stick it out" often think they can't do better - so they seek out someone that will "need" them (need someone to "fix" them); and/or, are probably living out a childhood issue (like a gf of mine with an alcoholic father, who married twice - both alcoholics).

 

LOL "Captain Save A Hoe" I know exactly what you mean, I've known a few guys like that. I guess I just saw it as a rescuer complex more so than a fixing people complex.

 

The guys I knew who were like that had a very classic concept of masculine heroism in their minds, and it was (in my frank opinion) awesome that there are still oldschool good guys like that. Their problem though was that they'd go after women who didn't really want to be saved, who at least on some subconscious level preferred to wallow in their own misery / victim-hood.

 

Some of those conversations were so ridiculous that I'll probably never forget them.

 

Like, "Yeah, I got home from work and she was doing coke with this guy in the living room. I don't get it cuz she said she only does stuff like that when she's depressed but things have been good between us for like two months."

 

I was just like, "Dude she doesn't need you, she needs rehab and a therapist."

[Radu]

M30USA,

 

 

 

Hmmm, not sure about that.

 

I understand, however, that in UK in 2012 65% of the divorces granted were to women.

 

Divorces in England and Wales infographic - ONS

 

It's about the same in the western world too, as well as other countries.

70% or so for Romania.

[Radu]

I agree with this. If its something like abuse or putting you down then it would be a reasonable response, male or female. But the small things... Well...

 

Based on my limited experience Some females (apply to males too I guess, but from what I see mostly apply to females) are like this.

 

They get put off by minute things that cause them to fall out of love or lose attraction. Maybe it's just part of their personalities which they might have gotten from their family backgrounds or media (romance novels, films etc.). The end result is they tend to hunt for the perfect guy, then when they get put off by small things (to a male's perspective) then that perfect guy is gone... Poof! Love is gone too and time to look for another. Leaving their partners devastated. Again, just talking from experience.

 

I have read an article (don't remember the link though) that men tend to look at the bigger picture than women. I sort of agree (applies to me and some guys I know). So I guess that is why they are more forgiving. Just my 2 cents.

 

My experience too.

 

If you are a guy in the early dating process, and love hasn't started yet, you need to censor yourself; avoid touchy subjects like the plague.

Even a small comment in the moment can be taken to mean something different, the barrier goes up [literally, frowny face + crossed arms, aggressive look] and no matter what you say at that point, if it is not a complete apology ... it won't matter [and most of the time that won't help either if it's early dating].

 

My thinking is that it is based on emotions.

Generally speaking, if you want to change someone's opinion about something you have to do it with emotions, and not with logic.

Women tend to be more emotions focused than men, so i guess that when she puts up the barrier, logic is ... not gonna work as well, you need an emotion to take it down.

Kinda hard to do that if it's early dating.

 

Still, OP ... if she is willing to kill the dating part over one comment that may be blown out of proportion ... you just dodged a bullet.

[ascendotum]

I don't know about gender, but for me it depends on the guy and the circumstances....

 

Some guys I give "one" chance...some, I give gosh, "many" chances. But God help them the day I'm DONE.

 

When I'm done, I'm flippin' done!!!

 

That's why people friending their exes on Facebook, staying in communication with exes (especially for years and/or they are seeing other people) - especially when it was a bad RL raises red flags to me. When someone doesn't do right by me and I get DONE, I'm DONE. And yes, I've had exes contact me and stuff and again, I'M DONE. I do not "try again"...cuz guess what? YOU'RE DONE.

 

So, men out there, Gloria25 has an announcement which is: "Once I'm DONE, you are not coming back".

 

The more desirable the guy the more chances he will get for sure. The less desirable the guy I think little things will get used by the woman to write him off or sometimes they will look for things to dismiss him on so it comes as as a rationale/considered decision and not superficial one based on his looks. Guys tend to be a bit more blunt on motivation.

G - as for your when I'm done I'm done, it seems you talk in terms of you walking out the door. what about if the guy breaks up with you? Many of theses cases with exes staying in contact will be wear the person still has fond memories & strong feelings for the person but they are no longer with their ex because the ex broke up with them. I still thought of a number of my exes as good women. There is also a lot of booty call sex with exes that goes on. From the ones I knew of it seems to be more in situations where the guy broke the woman's heart.

[Darren2013]

There's felony offenses in a woman's mind and then there's small infraction offenses. First time felony offense means you are likely out. First time small infraction usually means she gives you a verbal warning with a certain number of points written down in her head.

 

She keeps a filing cabinet. Repeat the same small infractions multiple times and they add up to the same felony offense and you are out forever.

 

What are some examples? It certainly goes without saying that abuse or cheating are felonies and committed one time will likely be punishable by death penalty to the relationship.

 

Small infractions that she will forgive for a time are not taking initiative to do the dishes when you know they need to be done. Being lazy about taking out the trash. Accidentally mixing the color clothes with white clothes in the laundry. Accidentally breaking a mirror that you bought her for Christmas. Having overdue library books. Farting underneath the covers.

 

Those are small infractions that won't get you terminated unless you repeat them over a long period of time. Kind of like how LS forum has assigned different points depending on the severity of the infraction. But if small offenses are repeated you get banned from the site for good. It is the same thing in relationships.

[Darren2013]

Also women don't care how many times you did things right in the past. All that matters is what you are doing today. She will easily remember your past transgressions and easily forget all the right things you did yesterday. That's how it works.

 

That's not totally unreasonable because it is kind of like our criminal justice system. For example I don't know if Bill Cosby really did what those women accused him of but if there ever is a chance in hell that he did it and if there is a chance in hell that they could prove it beyond reasonable doubt them yes he should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law no matter how many good things he has done all his life in show business and how many people he has helped.

 

Anyone who commits a crime whether a famous celebrity or even the Pope or a Mother Teresa no matter how long of a track record they have of doing good deeds in the past will and should be prosecuted. It wouldn't be a good defense for an attorney to say "cut mother Teresa some slack for robbing a bank because of all the good deeds she did all her life up until that point". You think a fair and unbiased Judge is just going to let her go?

 

So it is the same principle in relatipnships. Like it or not the woman is the Judge and the man is the defendant.

[BlueIvy]

Me, being female, I've noticed this trend amongst myself and other females.

 

If a guy puts me off via dating or a long term relationship, I'm pretty much done. Not that I want to be, I'll still try to rationalize, but in the end I come to the same conclusion.

 

I've noticed guys are more forgiving. Why is that?

 

I'm actually a really forgiving person, but for some reason I have a hard time forgiving dates/ bf's for what they said. I don't want to be this way, not really fair to forgive a stranger over someone you know intimately.

 

I'd attribute this to a character defect, but all my female friends are the same. You get put off by someone, and there's no way for the guy to redeem himself. And you might even want the attraction back, but it cannot be gained.

 

Anyone else experience something similar?

 

 

I think women in general are very forgiving. I think it's when you do the same **** over and over again, that she just can't take it.

 

IDK if it's a gender thing though. I mean don't we all have a limit of what we will take?

[NGC1300]

So it is the same principle in relatipnships. Like it or not the woman is the Judge and the man is the defendant.

 

Sadly this is true. In the early dating stages, it is always the man that is "proving himself" to the woman, not the other way around. Then there are the statistics, which prove that between men and women, it is the woman who initiates the divorce/breakup the majority of the time.

 

You lose points in this game automatically, just for being a man. Lately I've been thinking the solution is to simply not play.

[HurtGator]

I think women in general are very forgiving. I think it's when you do the same **** over and over again, that she just can't take it.

 

IDK if it's a gender thing though. I mean don't we all have a limit of what we will take?

 

I agree that there are things that are unforgivable, like cheating, abuse, etc. There are things that are always forgivable. If a woman (or man for that matter) breaks up with someone because they forget to take the trash out, then she doesn't deserve to be in a relationship because is probably the controlling time. See, if a guy breaks up with his girl because she doesn't always cook and clean then people would be calling him a pig. A woman that breaks up with a guy for similar reasons is also a pig.