Inside the mind of a dumper

[HurtGator]

Fiercely independent huh? Your answers make me really curious to your attachment-style: Attachment Styles and Close Relationships

 

The image of independence can sign to very healthy behaviour or patterns that seem healthy but are not that healthy. This test can also learn you a lot about your communication if you read more about the outcome.

 

I took the test myself. Keep in mind this is with my current state of mind of bitterness and resentment:

 

Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the preoccupied region of the space. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships.

[HurtGator]

I took the test again keeping in mind what I was thinking/feeling during my last relationship that ended last month:

 

Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the secure region of the space. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that secure people tend to have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships. They are comfortable expressing their emotions, and tend not to suffer from depression and other psychological disorders.

[Itspointless]

I took the test myself. Keep in mind this is with my current state of mind of bitterness and resentment:

 

Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the preoccupied region of the space. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships.

Thank you for sharing HurtGator We can shake hands, I am somewhere in that quadrant myself. There really is no shame in that. Attachment styles are styles we have learnt while we were young (our first years). That behaviour usually comes to the front when we are feeling low, stressed, hurt, abandoned, etc. It is interesting to know that anxious people usually are attracted to people who are somewhat avoidant. They call it the anxious-avoidant trap. The book 'attached' is a nicely written introduction. Also if you google on it there is very much to find. Also google on google books, as many excellent books have previews.

 

As for your second post, attachment styles can be influenced by experiences. So it is best to try and remember yourself over a long period of time.

Edited December 13, 2014 by Itspointless

[HurtGator]

Thank you for sharing HurtGator We can shake hands, I am somewhere in that quadrant myself. There really is no shame in that. Attachment styles are styles we have learnt while we were young (our first years). That behaviour usually comes to the front when we are feeling low, stressed, hurt, abandoned, etc. It is interesting to know that anxious people usually are attracted to people who are somewhat avoidant. They call it the anxious-avoidant trap. The book 'attached' is a nicely written introduction. Also if you google on it there is very much to find. Also google on google books, as many excellent books have previews.

 

As for your second post, attachment styles can be influenced by experiences. So it is best to try and remember yourself over a long period of time.

 

Thanks for sharing! I'm not sure I was clear but the first result is my current state right now... I feel betrayed.. and it is evident in that result. But I am usually the type shown in the second result. I'm the type that is chill, content with life, don't really ask for much, I don't like high stress, I'm happy to be with my honey who loves me so much and I love so much who we are planning to get married together and have cute babies. I try to resolve conflicts as quickly as possible and move on with no harbored feelings.

[Itspointless]

Sorry for threadjacking this thread a bit, I want to answer this post as I can't msg HurtGator yet.

Thanks for sharing! I'm not sure I was clear but the first result is my current state right now... I feel betrayed.. and it is evident in that result. But I am usually the type shown in the second result. I'm the type that is chill, content with life, don't really ask for much, I don't like high stress, I'm happy to be with my honey who loves me so much and I love so much who we are planning to get married together and have cute babies. I try to resolve conflicts as quickly as possible and move on with no harbored feelings.

I understand what you say. Yes it was clear. But you know of-course we feel more secure if everything goes well. I think it is good for you to read somewhat more about anxious-attachment and see if you recognize some of it when you are feeling somewhat stressed, It usually is at those moments that the traits described show themselves. For example because your loved one is taking some distance, or you have to deal with unexpected adversity. Most of the time I am a really balanced guy. But when I am feeling low or stressed, than I have to beware. Than old patterns that are on a neurological level kick in.

[happiness0421]

ChinUp, thanks so much for your honest words. If I can help even one person feel at least a little better by getting something off my own chest, then that's really awesome.

 

ItsPointless, thank you for sharing the quiz with us - it was very interesting. Here are my results:

 

Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the secure region of the space. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that secure people tend to have relatively enduring and satisfying relationships. They are comfortable expressing their emotions, and tend not to suffer from depression and other psychological disorders.

 

I guess bottom line is, I just haven't found the right one for whatever reason. The one thing I did notice, though, is I tended to answer a lot of questions about worrying that the partner will love me more/want to be with more with 'agree' or 'strongly agree'. I just want to love someone unconditionally, as much as they love me, someday.

Edited December 14, 2014 by happiness0421
Needed to write more

[Allumere]

 

...then you will be challenged....unconditional is just that...not "as much", "as little", this way or that.

[HurtGator]

Sorry for threadjacking this thread a bit, I want to answer this post as I can't msg HurtGator yet.

 

I understand what you say. Yes it was clear. But you know of-course we feel more secure if everything goes well. I think it is good for you to read somewhat more about anxious-attachment and see if you recognize some of it when you are feeling somewhat stressed, It usually is at those moments that the traits described show themselves. For example because your loved one is taking some distance, or you have to deal with unexpected adversity. Most of the time I am a really balanced guy. But when I am feeling low or stressed, than I have to beware. Than old patterns that are on a neurological level kick in.

 

Hey man. That is very interesting advice. I will definitely look it! Thanks for the feedback. Btw, is it possible to message someone on this message board? What does it take to enable it?

[NopeNah]

Hey man. That is very interesting advice. I will definitely look it! Thanks for the feedback. Btw, is it possible to message someone on this message board? What does it take to enable it?

based on post count, I think.

[HurtGator]

based on post count, I think.

 

Does this mean I have to keep posting??

[hudson701]

What a depressing read but you laid out the exact blueprint for what a man should be: aloof with a jerkboy/cocky attitude, highly attractive to other women and so absorbed in his own pursuits that women are merely a side dish- basically everything I have learnt from swallowing the red pill mindset and reading the manosphere this year. You really have to have tight game to keep a woman around in a long term relationship.

 

I really wanted the red pill theory and the ideas presented in the manosphere to be so wrong, to be so out of touch with reality, rantings of the mysogynistic ... But this post proves it all. Women are utterly solipsistic and to keep them around you really have to learn game. It's a sad, sad state of affairs, something I have struggled with immensely this year but am finally accepting. 70% of all breakups are initiated by women- just a quick cursory look around this forum and you can see the vast majority of the threads are started by men who have just been dumped. The truth is ugly.

 

Gentlemen, learn game if you are to keep a woman around. Spin plates. Remain non-exclusive and be open and honest about it. And do you know what the ****ed up thing about it is? It will make women want you more I.e that subconcious "gut feeling" the OP describes which is at the top of the priority list.

 

Thank you for sharing your feelings but it's only confirmed everything I've read this year.

[Radu]

Honestly ... i don't believe they suffer.

 

I was the dumper [i had very good reasons] and i was the dumpee [they had very good reasons for dumping me].

 

However, i have also seen dumpers who dump because of GIGS, wanting to perpetually be 'unattached' or are just plain afraid of commitement.

These ppl ... i don't believe they suffer.

Not to the extent that the dumpee suffers; they mull a little and go to find their next 'high'.

They lack ... introspect, and it was a good thing for the dumpee's future that he/she got dumped.

[Radu]

I'm sorry you keep going through the same thing over and over with your bfs. LTRs like marriages are about commitments, loyalty, companionship, trust, etc.. etc.. The infatuation, butterfly feelings, etc are important too, but they are only good in the beginning of the relationship. Those are the things that initiate attraction in the early stages of the relationship. Eventually ALL relationships will pass through this honeymoon phase and real life sets in. By this point, you figure out if the person you're infatuated with is loyal, honest, and trustworthy because those are the qualities that will take the relationship down the long haul... not the butterflies because those will be long gone by then. But if you say your exs did nothing wrong, and they were the type that have done anything they possibly could to fix things with you, then I think you missed out on good guys that would have taken care of you no matter.

 

I'd like to add that the butterflies can return.

 

OP, I talked with a lot of older couples and the butterflies do leave, but occasionally they do return through actions of both.

 

Reading your thread i'm reminded of what i read on a blog a while back.

The blogger [male] was whining about the fact that in most relationships women prefer men to be captains of the boat while they take the 1st mate position.

The boat running aground, going down or generally doing badly tends to always be the fault of the captain, regardless of who caused it.

Maybe both genders should take a more active role in managing the boat.

 

In your case, i think deep down that something tells you to always be free, or that you can always do better so you feel like settling when it's time to tie the knot.

Keep in mind that you can keep going up to the next floor in this multi-layered shopping store, but eventually you will end up on the roof and you can't go down.

From the outside the above attitude reeks of selfishness, no matter how you dress it.

Love is supposed to be selfless, not selfish. It's not 'what you can do for me' but 'what can i do for you'. If you get to the 2nd together with your partner and don't look back, you've got it made ... butterflies or not.

 

You say your gut has always steered you right, i doubt it.

My guess is that there is something in your childhood that made the 'ideal' make-up of the relationship as it should be, different from what most ppl pick.

Until you dig down and figure out what that is, confront it and destroy it, you will always try to run [which is what you did in the 6yr relationship].

[Itspointless]

In your case, i think deep down that something tells you to always be free [...] My guess is that there is something in your childhood that made the 'ideal' make-up of the relationship as it should be, different from what most ppl pick. Until you dig down and figure out what that is, confront it and destroy it, you will always try to run [which is what you did in the 6yr relationship].

As for the first sentence it is why I mentioned the test about atachmentstyles. Even when secure it is a good thing to research and learn about yourself. Many things we are thinking are influenced by things we experienced or have learned because significant others taught us implictly or explicitly. A gut feeling is a feeling, which means that our neurological system reacts to something in the system that it percieves. It doesn't justify our actions yet as our gut (our reptillian brain) is in place to keep us safe: it reacts. That does mean that we do not know if we react on learnt (possibly misguided) patterns or actual danger. It isn't a justication yet, but it very much can be. It is a bit a chicken and egg situation, as only in hindsight we can really see if we were misguided or actually were right.

 

As for what OP told us I heard also man tell this story. For me it comes down to the hope finding someone who puts in just as much effort in knowing herself as I try to do myself. I agree very much with what organizedchaos said about communication by both sides in a relation.

[HurtGator]

Honestly ... i don't believe they suffer.

 

I was the dumper [i had very good reasons] and i was the dumpee [they had very good reasons for dumping me].

 

However, i have also seen dumpers who dump because of GIGS, wanting to perpetually be 'unattached' or are just plain afraid of commitement.

These ppl ... i don't believe they suffer.

Not to the extent that the dumpee suffers; they mull a little and go to find their next 'high'.

They lack ... introspect, and it was a good thing for the dumpee's future that he/she got dumped.

 

You're right, I don't think people with GIGS or commitment issues suffer right after they dump the other person. It takes a while for them to realize they might have made a mistake. Let's face it, there are a lot of crappy people in this world. And sometimes we make the wrong decision by dumping someone who are amazing, but for one reason or another, aren't happy because we let stupid things get to us. However, after dating around, we realize that its hard to find good people and we start to reflect back on the relationships we had and realize that we broke up with them for the wrong reasons. I was a very good bf to my exgf. And even when she screwed my heart up and broke up with me, I showed no hatred at all. One day she will realize how good she had it with me and how amazing I am. But I know for sure I would have moved on by the time she will reconsider getting back to me.

[Jimmyjackson]

You're right, I don't think people with GIGS or commitment issues suffer right after they dump the other person. It takes a while for them to realize they might have made a mistake. Let's face it, there are a lot of crappy people in this world. And sometimes we make the wrong decision by dumping someone who are amazing, but for one reason or another, aren't happy because we let stupid things get to us. However, after dating around, we realize that its hard to find good people and we start to reflect back on the relationships we had and realize that we broke up with them for the wrong reasons. I was a very good bf to my exgf. And even when she screwed my heart up and broke up with me, I showed no hatred at all. One day she will realize how good she had it with me and how amazing I am. But I know for sure I would have moved on by the time she will reconsider getting back to me.

 

I guess the silver lining is knowing you were a good boyfriend, I know I was anyway. Other than the way it ended we had no other issues, I always hear of couples breaking up and getting back together, having all of these issues. Maybe some time it will hit her, maybe it won't who knows..

[Ieris]

Usually for the dumper, feelings have faded long before they actually break up so it may come across as if the dumper doesn't care. Some of my relationships have been suffocating (the sort where I wasn't allowed to have any friends) so I didn't feel bad or guilty for dumping the guy. I felt a sense of relief to be frank.

 

But then there are those good guys who have done nothing wrong but just aren't right for you. I do feel terrible and I let them down slowly, I do whatever I can to soften the blow. I let them know I will still be there to talk and meet up if they want to but I definitely wont be changing my mind. Usually they have lots of questions, I just answer them as honestly as possible and they usually appreciate me sticking around after the break up. They usually go into a new relationship before I do, and I am happy to see them move on.

 

So not all dumpers are cold and callous. Even if a dumper doesn't stick around, it could be a case of not wanting to give you false hope. To avoid all the begging and crying because it isn't going to change anything.

[happiness0421]

Usually for the dumper, feelings have faded long before they actually break up so it may come across as if the dumper doesn't care. Some of my relationships have been suffocating (the sort where I wasn't allowed to have any friends) so I didn't feel bad or guilty for dumping the guy. I felt a sense of relief to be frank.

 

But then there are those good guys who have done nothing wrong but just aren't right for you. I do feel terrible and I let them down slowly, I do whatever I can to soften the blow. I let them know I will still be there to talk and meet up if they want to but I definitely wont be changing my mind. Usually they have lots of questions, I just answer them as honestly as possible and they usually appreciate me sticking around after the break up. They usually go into a new relationship before I do, and I am happy to see them move on.

 

So not all dumpers are cold and callous. Even if a dumper doesn't stick around, it could be a case of not wanting to give you false hope. To avoid all the begging and crying because it isn't going to change anything.

 

Amen. I second this post 100%. I am just concerned about my rost recent ex because he has such a small support system and I worry about him sinking into sadness and not reaching out to those that can help him. I know that's not my fault/problem and certainly not a reason to stay with someone, but I can't help but feel like an a-hole regardless.

[HurtGator]

I guess the silver lining is knowing you were a good boyfriend, I know I was anyway. Other than the way it ended we had no other issues, I always hear of couples breaking up and getting back together, having all of these issues. Maybe some time it will hit her, maybe it won't who knows..

 

Yeah, who knows what will happen. But I'm not going to just wait around. The best part of knowing that I was the best bf to her, is that I have no regrets. She owns the decision to break up with me.

[HurtGator]

Usually for the dumper, feelings have faded long before they actually break up so it may come across as if the dumper doesn't care. Some of my relationships have been suffocating (the sort where I wasn't allowed to have any friends) so I didn't feel bad or guilty for dumping the guy. I felt a sense of relief to be frank.

 

But then there are those good guys who have done nothing wrong but just aren't right for you. I do feel terrible and I let them down slowly, I do whatever I can to soften the blow. I let them know I will still be there to talk and meet up if they want to but I definitely wont be changing my mind. Usually they have lots of questions, I just answer them as honestly as possible and they usually appreciate me sticking around after the break up. They usually go into a new relationship before I do, and I am happy to see them move on.

 

So not all dumpers are cold and callous. Even if a dumper doesn't stick around, it could be a case of not wanting to give you false hope. To avoid all the begging and crying because it isn't going to change anything.

 

I don't think the discussion is centered around whether or not the dumper is cold/callus or not. It's about why the dumper chooses to do the dumping. In your case, were you ever in love with the guy who has done nothing wrong to you? If so, why did you lose feelings for them?

[happiness0421]

I don't think the discussion is centered around whether or not the dumper is cold/callus or not. It's about why the dumper chooses to do the dumping. In your case, were you ever in love with the guy who has done nothing wrong to you? If so, why did you lose feelings for them?

 

I did love him and still do. Probably always will, to an extent. You can love someone and still not want to spend the rest of your life with them.

[HurtGator]

Amen. I second this post 100%. I am just concerned about my rost recent ex because he has such a small support system and I worry about him sinking into sadness and not reaching out to those that can help him. I know that's not my fault/problem and certainly not a reason to stay with someone, but I can't help but feel like an a-hole regardless.

 

Well, the damage to him was already done. I think what the vast majority of people here are saying is, it seems like you are in a relationship for the butterfly feelings. Then when its gone, you dump them. If you are only after the feelings you get from "new" relationships, then you are being fair to the guys you are with because they are blindly investing their life into you with the goal of life-long commitments not knowing the fate you will be handing down to them in good time. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with wanting what you want, I just think you should make it clear to them.

 

On the other hand, if you are wondering why you keep losing interest after a while even though the bf hasn't done anything wrong, then you should know that it is very normal thing.

 

The third scenario is that you never loved them to begin with. In this case, I would say you gave the relationship a good try.

[HurtGator]

I did love him and still do. Probably always will, to an extent. You can love someone and still not want to spend the rest of your life with them.

 

I guess that is the part we don't understand. After being with them for so long, what about them tells you that you don't want to spend the rest of your life with them? If you love them and they have never wronged you, why such a dismissive outcome?

[jphcbpa]

I think I need someone more like that instead of someone that will be a puppy dog with me.

 

You will never be attracted to a man like this in the long run. It would only be a temporary distraction. You will have to learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable. Have you talked to a therapist as to what happened in your childhood that makes you avoid intimacy in primary relationships? Why do you think you continue to attract men "who revolve their lives around you"? I suggest reading "He's scared, She's scared"

[Halcyon]

To me this sounds like someone with commitment issues, addicted to honeymoon phases of relationships or they simply never really loved their partner (or fell out of love).

 

I would suggest though never tell the person you are dumping that they deserve better etc. That is self serving and honestly pretty insulting when you think about it. You are taking away the choice if they are happy or not at least be honest and tell them you don't want to be together any more.

 

Also if you are addicted to the chase and the "newness" or "butterflies" in a relationship it's best to be upfront about this so they know full well what they are getting into. A lot of those good guys who have done nothing wrong are looking for something serious, don't screw them around and waste their time if your going to flake out once you get bored.

 

If you just fell out of love well that happens and it can be crap.