Inside the mind of a dumper

[Jimmyjackson]

Well, the damage to him was already done. I think what the vast majority of people here are saying is, it seems like you are in a relationship for the butterfly feelings. Then when its gone, you dump them. If you are only after the feelings you get from "new" relationships, then you are being fair to the guys you are with because they are blindly investing their life into you with the goal of life-long commitments not knowing the fate you will be handing down to them in good time. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with wanting what you want, I just think you should make it clear to them.

 

On the other hand, if you are wondering why you keep losing interest after a while even though the bf hasn't done anything wrong, then you should know that it is very normal thing.

 

The third scenario is that you never loved them to begin with. In this case, I would say you gave the relationship a good try.

 

My ex said she had a habit of losing interest after a while, promised it wouldn't happen with me and it obviously did. Annoying when they've gone from loving you and talking about moving in and stuff and then their feelings fade. She was 19 though so I guess she's young and needs to see other people in life, do other things.

 

The annoying part is wondering if they ever loved you? if they did then surely their feelings wouldn't fade. It's even more annoying when they're your first love and you think your first love may not have actually felt the same way...

[STM206]

Yeah but when your ex dumps you to "figure things out" after 4 years only to be in a relationship with someone else on the other side of the country 2 months later... Yeah - he's one of those cold, heartless dumpers who will continue to do the same thing over and over.

[Ducktape]

Please guys, don't project your hurt feelings on the OP's story. She's only trying to help. It's not because her last two relationships ended the same way that she has intimacy issue or whatnot. What's next, you'll call her GIGS and BPD?

 

Feelings come and go, that's life. Some people love for life, some people are a little bit more volatile with their feelings. Maybe it wasn't the right person, even if it felt so at the beginning/middle of the relationship. It's not because it didn't work out in the long run that she has issues post honey moon period and that she's only after the butterflies.

 

I know you guys are here because you're hurting, you want to find answers, you want to find a culprit in your break up. You all claim to have been the best possible boyfriend so the only possible cause of the break up is the dumper having issues. That's human nature. But don't try to find problems with the OP when all she's trying to do is shine a new light on a situation, reveal the other side of the medal, because on this forum, 95% of the threads are about one side of the story, always. It is refreshing to see the other side, just take it as it is!

[HurtGator]

My ex said she had a habit of losing interest after a while, promised it wouldn't happen with me and it obviously did. Annoying when they've gone from loving you and talking about moving in and stuff and then their feelings fade. She was 19 though so I guess she's young and needs to see other people in life, do other things.

 

The annoying part is wondering if they ever loved you? if they did then surely their feelings wouldn't fade. It's even more annoying when they're your first love and you think your first love may not have actually felt the same way...

 

My exgf was in her mid 20s. I don't think it has anything to do with age per se. It's about a combination of mentality, character, and immaturity. I don't think we will ever know if they really loved us. But I know in my case she was talking about getting married (and said/did all the stuff I mentioned in other threads) throughout the entire 2+ years of the relationship. She went from that to nothing. Makes no sense.

[HurtGator]

Please guys, don't project your hurt feelings on the OP's story. She's only trying to help. It's not because her last two relationships ended the same way that she has intimacy issue or whatnot. What's next, you'll call her GIGS and BPD?

 

Feelings come and go, that's life. Some people love for life, some people are a little bit more volatile with their feelings. Maybe it wasn't the right person, even if it felt so at the beginning/middle of the relationship. It's not because it didn't work out in the long run that she has issues post honey moon period and that she's only after the butterflies.

 

I know you guys are here because you're hurting, you want to find answers, you want to find a culprit in your break up. You all claim to have been the best possible boyfriend so the only possible cause of the break up is the dumper having issues. That's human nature. But don't try to find problems with the OP when all she's trying to do is shine a new light on a situation, reveal the other side of the medal, because on this forum, 95% of the threads are about one side of the story, always. It is refreshing to see the other side, just take it as it is!

 

I honestly don't think many one is projecting themselves. She provided information stating she is breaking up with people essentially "just cause". So people are reacting to it.

[Ducktape]

I honestly don't think many one is projecting themselves. She provided information stating she is breaking up with people essentially "just cause". So people are reacting to it.

You're wearing the dumpee shoes. You see the break ups as "Just cause", you're not trying to understand the dumpers process. Feelings, emotions, sentiments. They are not physical things. You don't have an inventory of them and then get to check the security cameras if some of them are gone missing. They come and they go. Not all love are meant to be forever. People change. The dumpee changes, the dumper changes. Doesn't mean they become no good, or mean, or the reason the break up happened. But people grow.

 

When I was a kid, I preferred blue. Now green is my favorite. I think. You may claim it's because I didn't nourish my preference for blue, even if I believe I lived my relationship with the color blue to the fullest. But with time, it faded.

 

Not all loves are meant to be forever, no matter how hard you try to force it. Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. Cherish the moments you had, and look forward to the next opportunities.

[Mi7522]

I've been the dumper numerous times and to be honest I never have really given the relationship a second thought. As a dumpee though, obviously I wonder if there will be a reconciliation but also understand that you learn from all relationships to make yourself a better person so you attract the right person for yourself

[Halcyon]

My only complaint is with the self serving language used. Call a spade a spade don't try to dress it up. You are not setting them free for noble reason of a "deeper more meaningful love that they so deserve" you just don't want to be together any more.

 

It comes across to me at least as very pretentious deciding for someone else that they deserve better. I've been the dumper and the dumpee when I was the dumper there was serious issues in the relationship that could not be resolved. I understand why some people frame it this way though. To relieve themselves of guilt, that they are doing the dumpee a favour rather than just being honest and saying "look you are a cool person, I however do not love you any more" or whatever the reason is. Which just leads to outright confusion.

 

Then again I've always been pretty blunt with my feelings. When I've dumped someone they have known exactly why, no guessing, fanciful expressions or excuses.

Edited December 15, 2014 by Halcyon

[jphcbpa]

I honestly don't think many one is projecting themselves. She provided information stating she is breaking up with people essentially "just cause". So people are reacting to it.

 

This..below is her quote. This is not the symptoms of someone losing feelings for someone else. These are signs of commitment fears.

 

I would walk around with a tightness in my chest, a clenched jaw, a flushed body due to my brain trying to tell me something about my emotions. But each time, I ignored it - and the pain only got worse

[HurtGator]

You're wearing the dumpee shoes. You see the break ups as "Just cause", you're not trying to understand the dumpers process. Feelings, emotions, sentiments. They are not physical things. You don't have an inventory of them and then get to check the security cameras if some of them are gone missing. They come and they go. Not all love are meant to be forever. People change. The dumpee changes, the dumper changes. Doesn't mean they become no good, or mean, or the reason the break up happened. But people grow.

 

When I was a kid, I preferred blue. Now green is my favorite. I think. You may claim it's because I didn't nourish my preference for blue, even if I believe I lived my relationship with the color blue to the fullest. But with time, it faded.

 

Not all loves are meant to be forever, no matter how hard you try to force it. Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. Cherish the moments you had, and look forward to the next opportunities.

 

We are going by what she's saying. But your presence for blue or green is your own choice that doesn't have any bearing on anyone else. However, if you and your family bought the blue car and then in a week later you want to get rid of it and get the green car, then there is going to be an issue that is much better larger than color preference.

 

In her case, she's pouring her love for someone in a relationship that is also pouring his love back. Then all of a sudden for no reason, other than she lost her feelings, decides to drop the guy. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as its communicated that she's not interested in a committed relationship.

[HurtGator]

This..below is her quote. This is not the symptoms of someone losing feelings for someone else. These are signs of commitment fears.

 

I would think being with someone for 6 years is pretty committed.

[Ducktape]

In her case, she's pouring her love for someone in a relationship that is also pouring his love back. Then all of a sudden for no reason, other than she lost her feelings, decides to drop the guy. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as its communicated that she's not interested in a committed relationship.

See, this is what I think you don't understand. It's not because at some point, you lose feelings for the other person that you were never in it for the long run. And why is "Losing feelings for the person" not a good enough reason to break up? Isn't it what it's all about, feelings, in a relationship? Love is not eternal.

 

This is you projecting your fears. You are insecure, you want to OWN love, you want the other person to owe it to you. That's not what love is. I'm sure you've read the saying a thousand times. If you find a beautiful flower and pick it up, it will wither and die. Admire the flower for what it is for how long it will last. Don't try to appropriate it.

[BC1980]

I think the truth is that we don't really care about the other person's side of things. I didn't care about my ex's excuses, and he didn't care that much about me being hurt. He didn't care to hear my side, and I didn't buy into his. This is heartbreak. There isn't a nice way to tie it up. People get hurt, and, usually, there are no good feelings for a good, long while.

[HurtGator]

See, this is what I think you don't understand. It's not because at some point, you lose feelings for the other person that you were never in it for the long run. And why is "Losing feelings for the person" not a good enough reason to break up? Isn't it what it's all about, feelings, in a relationship? Love is not eternal.

 

This is you projecting your fears. You are insecure, you want to OWN love, you want the other person to owe it to you. That's not what love is. I'm sure you've read the saying a thousand times. If you find a beautiful flower and pick it up, it will wither and die. Admire the flower for what it is for how long it will last. Don't try to appropriate it.

 

If you ask any successful marriage, they will tell you its not about feelings at all. If you look at marriages that fail after 2 to 3 years, they will say its because one doesn't love the other anymore. Actually, it seems like the 2 year mark is a very popular point of time where relationships fail. Why? Because that's just about when the honeymoon period starts to end. There is a strong correlation between the two.

 

Again, most people who are interested in LTRs like marriages are with the understanding that they will be marrying forever. I have never seen or heard anyone (other than there being some kind of business deal) say "hey, lets get in a serious relationship and then we will just break up". So people go into relationships with the idea of the possibility of a long term commitment. But if one person has a commitment issue and doesn't communicate that to the other person, then the person she will inevitably dump is going to get unnecessarily hurt.

[Ducktape]

If you ask any successful marriage, they will tell you its not about feelings at all. If you look at marriages that fail after 2 to 3 years, they will say its because one doesn't love the other anymore. Actually, it seems like the 2 year mark is a very popular point of time where relationships fail. Why? Because that's just about when the honeymoon period starts to end. There is a strong correlation between the two.

There lies the difference in the way we see love. You say it's not about feelings, and I say it's the opposite. Hence why you don't comprehend why somebody would break up with another person because the feelings are gone.

 

Again, most people who are interested in LTRs like marriages are with the understanding that they will be marrying forever. I have never seen or heard anyone (other than there being some kind of business deal) say "hey, lets get in a serious relationship and then we will just break up". So people go into relationships with the idea of the possibility of a long term commitment. But if one person has a commitment issue and doesn't communicate that to the other person, then the person she will inevitably dump is going to get unnecessarily hurt.

Exactly. People embarque in long term relationships and marriages with the hope it will be for the long run. If, from the moment they are married, or enter the relationship, NOTHING changed (People, situations, life, arrangements, etc), then yes I would agree there's a fault with one of the two people in the relationship. Wether it's a communication problem, a commitment problem, etc. But people change. What worked 2 years ago maybe doesn't work at all anymore with what you have become. It's not because there's another person emotional status at stake that you have to force yourself to love him/her. You don't OWE love to anyone, if you lose feelings, it's sad, but that's life. I don't understand why you can't agree to this.

[HurtGator]

There lies the difference in the way we see love. You say it's not about feelings, and I say it's the opposite. Hence why you don't comprehend why somebody would break up with another person because the feelings are gone.

 

 

Exactly. People embarque in long term relationships and marriages with the hope it will be for the long run. If, from the moment they are married, or enter the relationship, NOTHING changed (People, situations, life, arrangements, etc), then yes I would agree there's a fault with one of the two people in the relationship. Wether it's a communication problem, a commitment problem, etc. But people change. What worked 2 years ago maybe doesn't work at all anymore with what you have become. It's not because there's another person emotional status at stake that you have to force yourself to love him/her. You don't OWE love to anyone, if you lose feelings, it's sad, but that's life. I don't understand why you can't agree to this.

 

Hold on, I never said it wasn't about feelings. In one of my posts, I said that feelings of infatuation/lust is important in the beginning of the relationship because that is what interests people to bring them together. But around the two year mark, EVERYONE will lose the puppy-love, butterfly feelings. Those feelings of infatuation will wane. It's a fact. Many people don't understand that and that is why they just pull the plug when those infatuation feelings are gone.

 

I can't agree to what you're saying because its a fact that the feelings of lust/infatuation from day one will always eventually go away (and then probably oscillate going forward). There is a transformation that takes place over time. So the lust you had at the beginning brings two people together. If you find that you remain compatible over some period of time, the relationship matures into trust, compatibility, companionship, friendship, etc... and at this point the relationship's foundation is no longer based on lust, its based on something more concrete. Those concrete elements of the foundation is what helps partners deal with the realities of life together. Again, many people use the lustful feelings as the litmus test as to whether or not the relationship is working.

[Light Breeze]

There lies the difference in the way we see love. You say it's not about feelings, and I say it's the opposite. Hence why you don't comprehend why somebody would break up with another person because the feelings are gone.

 

 

Exactly. People embarque in long term relationships and marriages with the hope it will be for the long run. If, from the moment they are married, or enter the relationship, NOTHING changed (People, situations, life, arrangements, etc), then yes I would agree there's a fault with one of the two people in the relationship. Wether it's a communication problem, a commitment problem, etc. But people change. What worked 2 years ago maybe doesn't work at all anymore with what you have become. It's not because there's another person emotional status at stake that you have to force yourself to love him/her. You don't OWE love to anyone, if you lose feelings, it's sad, but that's life. I don't understand why you can't agree to this.

 

 

So it's just a difference in opinion, nothing wrong with that, we all have those. I know HurtGator's opinion because we believe really in something similar.

 

As to you, in short your opinion is when you lose "love" you go. And love is not eternal. Then you probably would not be having very long LTR's as people always change and you will always lose that love you feel. I think this the majority view of people nowadays I guess.

 

As for me, being surrounded with a huge extended family and a community with long term successful marriages I choose to believe in that lifetime commitment called "Marriage". Talking to them and asking about this stuff I realized that the "in love" feeling your saying is stronger in the first few years of a relationship. Then it will fade, after it does what is left is Loyalty, partnership, commitment, compromise, understanding, effort etc, but most importantly... Unconditional love... Doesn't mean though, that these couples don't do something to spice up their lives. They do make an effort to get that butterflies back if only in short spurts.

 

Again difference in opinion, you choose to believe in yours we choose to believe in ours. The only point I want to make however, is that, we should as much as possible find the one who believes in what we believe to avoid painful dramas.

Edited December 15, 2014 by Light Breeze

[Ducktape]

While I agree that passion is what builds relationship, it somewhat fades with time and it is replaced with what you enumerated. But I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about love. I sure am not gonna stay with someone because I have feel trust, compatibility, companionship, friendship. I have friends for exactly that.

 

And I do believe in a life long romance with a person, a relationship full of love and other things. Even if people change. You just gotta find the right person, nourish what's important, and allow your love to change, to grow, to follow the motion of the relationship.

[Chin Up]

I personally appreciated and respected the OP's candor.

 

It saddens me that people are belittling and questioning her integrity, her emotional intelligence and maturity, her motives..her as a person.

 

She's her own individual with her own unique feelings, perspectives and understandings. We don't know the dynamics of her relationship(s) anymore than she does of ours, or we do of yours. Questioning her reasons for breaking up with someone that she did not see a future with, is just as immature and insensitive as someone saying "well maybe you deserved to be dumped if this is how you act.". ..c'mon.

 

She is not our ex. She can't speak on our exes behalf or answer their questions. She isn't a effigy of our ex to use as an emotional punching bag. She's just another person trying to make sense of love and heartache like the rest of us.

 

Why they left doesn't matter. Do you really want someone to stay with you when they know they don't see you as forever, just to make you happy? I don't. What a one sided, selfish and empty relationship that would be.

 

Yeah, it sucks getting dumped. But I can see now that my ex doesn't owe me anything just because I wanted things to continue..and he shouldn't have to stay with me just to make ME happy.

 

So OP, thank you on my behalf to the utmost, because not only did I appreciate your mature and articulate insights as to your own thoughts and feelings, but it made me realize that a relationship, during or after, isn't all about how *I* feel or what *I* want because I can see how selfish that is on my part, and that's not love. It's entitlement.

[Ducktape]

That's exactly what I wanted to say in my first post, written in better words and more elegantly than I ever could.

[HurtGator]

I personally appreciated and respected the OP's candor.

 

It saddens me that people are belittling and questioning her integrity, her emotional intelligence and maturity, her motives..her as a person.

 

She's her own individual with her own unique feelings, perspectives and understandings. We don't know the dynamics of her relationship(s) anymore than she does of ours, or we do of yours. Questioning her reasons for breaking up with someone that she did not see a future with, is just as immature and insensitive as someone saying "well maybe you deserved to be dumped if this is how you act.". ..c'mon.

 

She is not our ex. She can't speak on our exes behalf or answer their questions. She isn't a effigy of our ex to use as an emotional punching bag. She's just another person trying to make sense of love and heartache like the rest of us.

 

Why they left doesn't matter. Do you really want someone to stay with you when they know they don't see you as forever, just to make you happy? I don't. What a one sided, selfish and empty relationship that would be.

 

Yeah, it sucks getting dumped. But I can see now that my ex doesn't owe me anything just because I wanted things to continue..and he shouldn't have to stay with me just to make ME happy.

 

So OP, thank you on my behalf to the utmost, because not only did I appreciate your mature and articulate insights as to your own thoughts and feelings, but it made me realize that a relationship, during or after, isn't all about how *I* feel or what *I* want because I can see how selfish that is on my part, and that's not love. It's entitlement.

 

To the contrary. I'm sorry if I'm coming across as being belittling. I think the bottom line message that people are trying to say to her is that, if she is looking for relationships where she will be stay with her bfs until the love feelings are gone, then she just needs to communicate that so its pretty clear... especially if she's afraid of commitments. That way there are no misunderstandings.

[Ducktape]

You are absolutely right Hurtgator! I will make an oath tonight, that whenever I will find someone I like and fall in love with her, I will sit her down and have a great conversation with her. I will warn her that IF someday I ever stop loving her, I will break up with her, so she knows I'm that kind of vile person with personal issues who refuses to be miserable and make her so as well...

 

"But think of the companionship and respect we have for each other!" she will manage to say, between two sobs. "I know. I'm that damaged" will be my answer.

 

[jphcbpa]

I would think being with someone for 6 years is pretty committed.

 

You would be surprised how people can hang out in a rel and avoid for that many years. Known one who did for 10 years. She shows symptoms of entrapment

 

I ask again, OP have you talked to a therapist?

Edited December 15, 2014 by jphcbpa

[Ieris]

I side with Ducktape that feelings can fade and it is out of your control. I don't really believe someone can guarantee that they will love you forever, because who knows what life will throw at you?

 

Someone who is right for you when you are 20 may not be right for you when you are 30. People change and I know that its not cool especially when you have invested so much into them. You need to find someone you can grow together with, without growing apart.

 

Love is risky, some just fall into it (teens) and some choose wisely to protect themselves (those that have been burned before) but there are no guarantees (wedding rings come off you know). If you are ready to win, you should also be ready to lose. I wish things weren't like this and that we could all be winners who live happily ever after but unfortunately that's not the case...

[Kevin_D]

I've realised that I'm very different. Other people talk about "losing that spark", that "things just aren't the same anymore", that they've "fallen out of love". I just don't get this.

 

A relationship to me is like building a house. In the beginning it's very fragile, but as time passes, you add more bricks to your house and eventually it will be really strong. Sure, a hurricane may weaken the walls, but it will take more than that to make it collapse.

 

I have the same view on friendship. I've known most of my friends since I was 10 years old. They might not even be the best friends I can get, but our history together makes it impossible for me to replace them.

 

Even though my ex was incredibly beautiful, it's much more exciting to spend the night together with my new girlfriend. It's new and fresh. But it can never be compared to the friendship my ex and I developed over the years. I will never understand how you could trade that away for some excitement.