Does anyone want their ex to be miserable?

[desperategirl]

Hey y'all,

 

I broke up with the hubby some time ago. After dating for a while, I met an amazing man. He's wonderful, and I am very much in love with him. There rae feelings I never had with my ex, like respect, and he is better looking, better chemistry. It's just a whole different ballgame.

 

The split with the ex was mutual, and helped us both. I felt better right away, he struggled a bit more, but has finally got a gf. By all accounts, he is not crazy about her. It's funny: we do similar work, but I'm more advanced than her, and people say I'm better looking. This is all irrelevant though. My bf had way better looking ex's than me, but we have a better connection.

 

The weird thing is, I'm happy, hoping to marry again, and pleased it all worked out how it did.

 

I don't want my ex to be miserable, but it feels, I guess, weird to see him partnered up.

 

There is some anger, as he owes me tens of thou of dollars, which I will probably never see again, but otherwise, I don't miss him or anything. We had some good times together which I think of fondly, and some cra**y times together.

 

This is quite hard to write, as I am being totally honest, and sound like a real b*tch.

 

But why does it bother me, and do other people feel this way?

 

Thanks.

[zen2475]

Perhaps you should examine the real reasons why you left your ex and why you still harbor residual resentment. When you said you felt better after you left, that tells me perhaps there was something going on you felt was untenable and that has probably affected you more deeply than you thought.

 

I think it's important to examine all that transpired between you and your ex and why you still feel this way. Your feelings are your own, and they are not going to change until you fully address the situation and make a choice to let go.

[Hardgrind]

Desperate,

 

 

I think a good state to aim for is being indifferent to your ex. My STBXW and I are in the process of divorcing because she is cheating on me and would not go NC with her boyfriend. There definitely were periods of anger with her, and it does often seem unfair that she was the one who made a travesty of our marriage by cheating. Yet she was the one who was enjoying the giddy "newly in love" relationship with her boyfriend while I was doing all the heavy lifting for trying to clean up the mess she left behind.

 

 

There is a part of us that would like to see our exes get what we think they deserve, and it is not uncommon to think they deserve a taste of what we went through because of them.

 

 

At this point though I don't want my WW to be unhappy, but I don't want to be part of her life going forward either. The way I look at it I recognize it is over. I want no future responsibility for either her happiness or her misery, and I don't plan on giving her any control over mine. That is not always an easy place to get to, but it is worth aiming for.

[desperategirl]

Perhaps you should examine the real reasons why you left your ex and why you still harbor residual resentment. When you said you felt better after you left, that tells me perhaps there was something going on you felt was untenable and that has probably affected you more deeply than you thought.

 

I think it's important to examine all that transpired between you and your ex and why you still feel this way. Your feelings are your own, and they are not going to change until you fully address the situation and make a choice to let go.

 

This is a brilliant response, thank you. I know I sounded like a bit of a b*tch in my post, so I was worried I'd get (possibly justified) mean responses, but this is really useful, thanks.

 

I think maybe it is time to think about WHY I still feel like this. I mean, I don't want him back. I was so unhappy when we were together. It was a terrible relationship, and it was my own fear of being alone that made me scared of leaving when I should have, dragging out the whole thing.

 

I thought I HAD let go, until finding out about this relationship made me feel something...not sad, per se, but irked somehow.

[desperategirl]

Desperate,

 

 

I think a good state to aim for is being indifferent to your ex. My STBXW and I are in the process of divorcing because she is cheating on me and would not go NC with her boyfriend. There definitely were periods of anger with her, and it does often seem unfair that she was the one who made a travesty of our marriage by cheating. Yet she was the one who was enjoying the giddy "newly in love" relationship with her boyfriend while I was doing all the heavy lifting for trying to clean up the mess she left behind.

 

 

There is a part of us that would like to see our exes get what we think they deserve, and it is not uncommon to think they deserve a taste of what we went through because of them.

 

 

At this point though I don't want my WW to be unhappy, but I don't want to be part of her life going forward either. The way I look at it I recognize it is over. I want no future responsibility for either her happiness or her misery, and I don't plan on giving her any control over mine. That is not always an easy place to get to, but it is worth aiming for.

 

Thanks for another great answer.

 

This is it completely - I guess I'm not totally netral, though I want to be. I had to tidy up a lot of his messes while he ran and hid and put his head under the covers, stayed with family for free and didn't even work for a while. I had to sort out his rubbish, and deal with bailiffs, live alone and work. But I felt that it was harder, but in the long run, good for me. I kept hearing from friends that he wasn't doing well. At this point, it's not of my bisness, but it's harming me to care.

 

Thank you again for your reply, and I wish you the best with your break -up - you certainly have a good head on your shoulders.

[Richiebuoy]

Hi Desperategirl, may I call you Dessy ?

 

People break up for all sorts of reasons, often people blame an affair but actually the affair's come about because somebody was unhappy.

 

The way i see it, as long as nothing sinister happened in a previous relationship then there should be no desire to see the ex miserable......

[desperategirl]

Hi Desperategirl, may I call you Dessy ?

 

.

 

 

yes you may:cool:

[GirlStillStrong]

I've heard more than one woman say that the dissolution of her marriage made her feel like a failure, even when the man was clearly in the wrong (infidelity, etc). You sound super responsible and like perhaps he is much less so. Maybe you don't really want to see him make it on his own or with someone else because that would somehow mean to you that you personally were not good enough? Or did not try hard enough? Or were not something enough because otherwise, had you been enough or done enough, it would have worked and the two of you would have lived happily ever after. But we all know that's not true. It sounds like you are still just attaching your own self or self-esteem to HIS happiness or success. You can learn to detach in love. Or, just give it time and soon you will be distracted enough not to notice or care what he is doing.