I need some input on a relationship with a married man.

[username4155]

I need some anonymous input about a relationship I've been having for almost 2 years.

 

I'm married seeing a married. We had been talking for a little over a year. We both started with some playful messages and it led to more x rated messages. Pretty soon we were talking about wanting to have sex with each other. I told him I didn't want to get my feelings involved (although I couldn't help if they did get involved) we both agreed that we didn't want to ruin our marriages, we both have kids etc. We have a huge amount in common. I would see him just to hang out with him when he could, the energy between us is unreal. He looks at me like nothing else in the world matters, and those of you that have been in love know what that look and feeling is. Anyway... we still see each other besides sex, even if it's just to hang out. He owns his own office place, and talks to me about his girls, his life, normal stuff. His wife doesn't sleep with him, my husbands an ******* and never home. When we have sex it's not just sex, it's making love, the last time we saw each other he had a long week and I was sick, we had sex once, and ended up talking about the news, football and our relationships. He says 'no love' but when we talk, that's not what he seems like, we talk all the time, my husband is never home, I tell him my room is cold and he say's don't you wish i was there next to you... I told him that he was making me fall in love with him, although I told him I would keep my feelings out of our relationship and his response was maybe we should take a break, I know that he wouldn't be able to give things a rest, he talks to me about work hunting sports things I'm sure his wife wouldn't get, one of the reasons we are so good together. We didn't have sex until almost 2 years later after we met. I also accused him of just wanting sex and he said no sex the next time I see you alone. He's also said things like It's gonna be weird not having you around as much as you have been. I've told him this isn't good for either of us and he agrees. He tells me I'm toxic and I'm his poison which were each others.

 

 

ANYWAY

 

I want someones opinion from the outside.

I guess reading this how would you perceive this relationship? I don't need to be lectured on infidelity. Men send mixed signals and I'm not sure how to perceive him sometimes, from what I gathered he's afraid of love but he definitely feels more then he leads on.

[kamani]

OK, you don't want lectures on infidelity, but this should come under The OM/OW column for you to get support. This is an affair and what else is it? Though both of you deny, there are feelings involved, you are in love and great pain awaits you.

[Darren Steez]

I need some anonymous input about a relationship I've been having for almost 2 years.

 

I'm married seeing a married. We had been talking for a little over a year. We both started with some playful messages and it led to more x rated messages. Pretty soon we were talking about wanting to have sex with each other. I told him I didn't want to get my feelings involved (although I couldn't help if they did get involved) we both agreed that we didn't want to ruin our marriages, we both have kids etc. We have a huge amount in common. I would see him just to hang out with him when he could, the energy between us is unreal. He looks at me like nothing else in the world matters, and those of you that have been in love know what that look and feeling is. Anyway... we still see each other besides sex, even if it's just to hang out. He owns his own office place, and talks to me about his girls, his life, normal stuff. His wife doesn't sleep with him, my husbands an ******* and never home. When we have sex it's not just sex, it's making love, the last time we saw each other he had a long week and I was sick, we had sex once, and ended up talking about the news, football and our relationships. He says 'no love' but when we talk, that's not what he seems like, we talk all the time, my husband is never home, I tell him my room is cold and he say's don't you wish i was there next to you... I told him that he was making me fall in love with him, although I told him I would keep my feelings out of our relationship and his response was maybe we should take a break, I know that he wouldn't be able to give things a rest, he talks to me about work hunting sports things I'm sure his wife wouldn't get, one of the reasons we are so good together. We didn't have sex until almost 2 years later after we met. I also accused him of just wanting sex and he said no sex the next time I see you alone. He's also said things like It's gonna be weird not having you around as much as you have been. I've told him this isn't good for either of us and he agrees. He tells me I'm toxic and I'm his poison which were each others.

 

 

ANYWAY

 

I want someones opinion from the outside.

I guess reading this how would you perceive this relationship? I don't need to be lectured on infidelity. Men send mixed signals and I'm not sure how to perceive him sometimes, from what I gathered he's afraid of love but he definitely feels more then he leads on.

 

Good luck with that..

[Friskyone4u]

I guess you want thoughts of congratulations. You are about to destroy two families. If your husband is an ass get a divorce. Forgot about any morality. The odds say you will wind up with a mess but I am sure you think your affair will end with him carrying you off into the sunset. Not likely to happen and that is not a lecture but a simple statement of the odds of the outcome.

But oh, I forgot you're in "love".

[Ruffian1]

I told him that he was making me fall in love with him, although I told him I would keep my feelings out of our relationship and his response was maybe we should take a break

Ok. He is playing by the rules you two set up. He is not "making" you do anything. Keep up the feelings talk and he will take a break cuz that is not what he wants.

 

 

What do you want? Where do you see this A going? Are you not getting what you wanted, no stings attached, sex and attention? You want him to marry you eventually? What are your expectations/

 

 

I don't see what your problem is.

[darkmoon]

he would have divorced her if things were so bad, husbands do, he chose her as his wife, stop seeing yourself as a replacement

[stillmind]

You're more invested in the relationship than he is. When you told him you were falling in love he started talking about ending the affair. When he told you "no love" you should have listened. If it's worth it to stay in the affair for sex and companionship that's one thing, but don't fool yourself into believing this is some great love story.

[anika99]

You want to believe his feelings are more than they are. He may be somewhat infatuated with you, probably likes the excitement of a new woman to have sex with and talk to but overall he sees this as no more than an affair. Men can be very adoring and attentive to a woman when he is into the sex with her. Women sometimes mistake all that attention as love when it's really just lust and perhaps some infatuation. By the sounds of it, this guy is not looking for a heavy complicated relationship, nor is he looking to leave his wife. What he wants from you is for you to give him sex, pay attention to him, stroke his ego and for you to just generally make him feel good. As long as you provide all of that and you don't rock the boat, he will adore you, but the moment you start having expectations or become needy he will want to cool it off, take a break, as he says.

 

 

You, on the other hand, are in love with him or at least headed in that direction. So you will become the needy unhappy one in this affair. Your husband doesn't make you happy and now you added another man to the situation who will also hurt you and make you cry. This is why people say that having an affair isn't the solution to an unhappy marriage. An affair doesn't fix problems it compounds them. You are not happy with your husband, so you fixate and obsess on the OM, he becomes your primary focus and makes it hard for you to concentrate on the more important areas of your life. Like being a great mom, bettering yourself and doing the hard work of fixing what's wrong in your life. I'm sure it's easier to just do nothing and live in the la la land of the affair, but in the long run there is no benefit and no pay off. Another man is not the answer to your problems.

[username4155]

This being a lust thing could make sense. Anyone that's been in love with someone knows that look of being in love. If I could have taken a picture of his face today, his face says more then he leads on to. I'm not saying I want to change wither of our situations I'm still going to school for my bachelor's degree.

 

He's not sleeping with his wife, should talk to her about things he does with me.

 

I know he could say he'd want a break but it wouldn't last long. I mean after we had talked about this the other night he still takes time out of his day to see me... it's not he can exactly stay away from me either.

[whichwayisup]

He tells me I'm toxic and I'm his poison which were each others.

This says a lot. He knows this affair is wrong and unhealthy and there's gonna be a lot of pain involved as time goes on. He knows you're falling for him and he doesn't want that.

 

Men are very able to separate love and sex. Sure he opens up to you about stuff but that doesn't mean he's planning on letting things get really serious.

 

Affairs and the feelings felt are like a drug, the sex is addictive so chances are high that's what he feels. Lust and the taboo of sneaking off and having sex, not getting caught.

 

You're investing and nurturing way too much energy into him and the affair. He isn't.

[CarrieT]

He's not sleeping with his wife

Or so he says.

 

Please understand that many, many times, the Married person having an affair says this line in order to get sympathy from the Affair Partner in order to get sex.

 

And all this stuff you are describing about "making love," etc? That is what is known as Affair Fog. It makes your own partner less desirable and more like the a**hole you think he is: What happened to the person you married?

 

The more you attach yourself to the AP, the less desirable your own relationship will be.

 

The bottom line is, you need to make a decision on what you want and work towards that decision; be it returning to your marriage (come clean and confess, deal with the fallout, and go into Marriage Counseling) or ending or marriage (again, come clean and confess, deal with the fallout, and see a lawyer about a divorce).

 

You CAN'T continue in the Affair and have it all end with Roses and Champagne. Someone will get hurt. How long do you want to forestall the pain?

[truncated]

It sounds like you are projecing your feelings on to him. No, you can't tell someone loves you by how they look at you. If you think you can, you are seeing what you want to see. Instead of using how he looks at you as your touchstone on his feelings, look at his words and actions.

 

Even if he does love you, look at how he treats you, look at how he treats his wife, whom he may well be saying the words "I love you"to .

[Cressida]

a relationship I've been having for almost 2 years.

(...) Men send mixed signals and I'm not sure how to perceive him sometimes, from what I gathered he's afraid of love but he definitely feels more then he leads on.

 

Men don't send mixed messages about anything. It is us women who have been conditioned and taught,literally have these theories shoved down our throats- 'mixed messages', 'he's afraid', 'not ready to commit', 'scared', 'at a bad time', etc. There are no such things when a man truly wants something/someone. Yes, such 'factors' might influence if he wants something/someone or not, but that explanation or the reasons don't interest us. We just need to know if it's yes or no.

 

There are always false indicators of a man's interest for a woman. My experience with an ex 'boyfriend' (a long time ago, right after college, I had a sort of a FWB relationship with a guy that I didn't like and didn't want to be with)- even if for a man is just sex, he will still want to create the decorum of intimacy, feel good-ness, good company, reciprocally enjoying the company and relationship, etc.

 

Go ahead and tell any man 'you are just a penis for me, f*ck me and then get out of here'. He'll scratch his head and walk even if he's the biggest dog in the universe. They just don't like it because they are genetically conditioned to be wanted by women for more than sex, and to them it appears abnormal for a woman to want just that.

 

Now, having said this. Your 2-year relationship with him IS something, however if he openly told you you two have no future, that you're toxic, never told you he loved you, etc., read the tea leaves.

 

There's an interesting point you made about him telling you he won't have sex after you 'accused' him of that being everything he's interested in. He likes the idea of intimacy and connection with you, that's why he doesn't want to lose what you two have. Not because he loves you or he sees your thing for more than what it is.

 

I am definitely not judging you for having an 'affair' (I hate this word...) with a MM, I only want to understand what is it that you want from him and your relationship. Do you want to get a divorce and marry him? Do you want to continue in this manner? What are your intentions vis-a-vis this gentleman suitor? Do you think that if you'd dump him, he'd get back very saddened to his wife? Or that he'd find another girl/lady to feel good with?

 

I think you should take a look at this, and I quote:

 

'Don’t assume a man is interested because….

 

He is staring at you.

 

He smiles or winks at you.

 

He dances with you all night long.

 

He enjoys having conversation with you.

 

He is always nice to you.

 

He helps you with something.

 

He compliments you.

 

He buys you a drink.

 

He loves having sex with you.

 

He gets your phone number.

 

He promises he’ll call.

 

He texts you or chats with you online.

 

He took you out on a date once — last year.

 

So don’t get all starry-eyed and giggly about him, analyzing him in ten ways with five friends.

 

Face the truth: NONE of this is PROOF he is interested in you.

 

The ONE and ONLY PROOF is if he plans dates and courts you, as in becoming a SUITOR.

 

Not somewhere in the past or maybe in the future, but in REAL TIME as in now.

 

THEN he warrants being talked about.

 

Till then, he is NOT interested, so MOVE ON.'

 

 

This is obviously very very harsh and NOT a 100% depiction of reality- as in your case, a MM cannot 'court' a woman as he would if he were single, obviously.

However, the point is DON'T ASSUME THINGS if he doesn't say/declare/act upon them. Making assumptions, usually positive ('he loves me, I can tell by the way he looks at me'), is of the biggest mistakes a woman can commit.

 

If HE doesn't say/do something, don't assume. You'll end up with your head hurting and wondering wtf is about those 'mixed messages'. Like they put it in that comedy 'He's Just Not that Into You'- there are no mixed messages....he's just not that into you.

 

Take it for what it is- physical connection, passion, genuine and mutual interest, pleasure, enjoying each other's company. What's wrong with that? If you don't want to divorce your husband and marry this guy why do you care what he feels like? Just don't let your feelings grow out of proportion and take over....this won't end well.

Edited December 20, 2014 by Cressida

[Redheaded Mistress]

You're looking for more than there is. He is making clear by what he says and what he does that this is casual. If it comes to him choosing his wife or you, he will choose her. The evidence of that is already there.

 

You can't ignore what he says and does because you interpret a look in his face as a secret expression of devotion. Even if it was, which I doubt, he is telling you that your relationship will never be serious.

[Dreamworld]

I have also found that once these types of MM tire of you (and yes you have to be prepared for this happening as well. I have seen it one too many times. Some just go longer than others) they leave you as quickly as they reeled you in, swept you off your feet. And you are the one left with a broken heart and hurt feelings while they move on to the next "conquest." and the whole cycle repeats itself. Or they could be even juggling more than one other woman at once. Seen this happen too. Because to them, the relationship was completely casual and temporary. They can be really heartless.

 

 

To sum up, he wants something casual. No commitment, just fun sex and companionship. And when the honeymoon phase wears off, be prepared for him to find someone else to ignite the sparks all over again.

 

 

oh and the wife comes before everybody. They always stay with the wife.

[Dreamworld]

Oh I forgot to mention, them wanting a break or some time apart usually seems to signal the end of that crazy infatuated honeymoon phase as well.

Just my thoughts.

[Lady2163]

I'm a former single OW. The MM I was with became my best friend and I'm pretty sure I was/am his. I eventually broke things off because he had so very much to lose and I cared about him too much to see his life's work go up in flames because of me.

 

There can be what some have called an affair fog. You've been with this man for two years and could still be in it. You only see the best of what this person has to offer. You leap tall buildings in a single bound in the bedroom because you know the other person has options. The best sex I ever had was when I was going to a swingers party later that night. It was kind of amusing to see him spend hours on my body, but he knew there was competition for once.

 

If your marriage is so bad, start working on an exit plan - and don't expect your AP to have one. And your plan should be for five years or less.

 

I had a plan to leave my marriage when I was married. I hadn't done a very good job about it as yet. I was going to finish my four year degree. I was going to save some money. I was going to get a newer car, all things I thought I needed before I could leave him.

 

I was going to school, but I had dropped the ball in the money department. Back then I didn't have Craig's List or a Faebook for local buying and selling. I realize now, the way I could have made extra money was to get the word out that as a 30 something I was available to babysit at night time and weekends. Even though I was a girl, there were some yards I could have mowed and made some extra money. There were things I could have done. BUT, I didn't have kids, so I was the only one who had to spend too many years without cable, high speed Internet and eating toast for supper.

 

But then, my husband left me and while it did take me nine years to dig myself out of poverty, I'm still pretty glad I didn't stay married for those four years it took to finish my degree.

 

So I guess my suggestion is to give yourself some power. Picture your life as a single parent and without AP. Move toward that. You deserve to find someone who will make you happy if it isn't your husband. I'm not saying your AP isn't a great guy, it's just that I think you are putting too much of yourself into him.

[still_an_Angel]

This is an affair. People are "in love" but probably more in lust. You have to keep a part of you for yourself, that part which you are totally in control that will give you the strength to walk away from this toxic R when the time comes. You can't give all of you in this as this R can turn to custard anytime.

 

He does probably love you, adore you and all (who wouldn't? you provide him the poison that he needs) but you have to accept this for what it is, an affair. He has not made any changes to his situation and this is your indication of where he's heading with his M and his R with you. Don't invest more than you need to, keep the better part of you under your full control.