too forgiving?

[Beesting]

Hello,

 

It's been a long time since I posted last. Recently, a person got in touch with me who I haven't seen or talked to in over 2 years.

 

She and I had been close friends for over 10 years, and as the story always goes, a man came between us. I dated him first and then, while I was away with family, she slept with him and then moved him into the house that we shared. It was a pretty bad time for me, I was very angry at both of them.

 

Now, I am getting married. She is already married, and has been for a year or so, but not to the man who came between us (that relationship only lasted a few months).

 

A lot of my family and friends are wary of me renewing contact with this woman. As far as I'm concerned, I would rather look back at my life when I'm 80 and say, "I'm glad I found it in my heart to forgive" then to say, "I'm glad I was so closed and bitter my whole life."

 

I am a very open and loving person, and my fiancee thinks that I am too open and loving and that I am asking to get hurt again. I was devestated by her actions at the time, but now I seem to be find with everything.

 

Am I being too trusting?

[Tony T]

Welcome back to the site and congratulations on your engagement.

 

I am with your family, friends and fiance in that I don't think you need to be bosom buddies with this lady who hurt you so badly in the past. What she did was heinous.

 

However, I must praise you for your ability to forgive and move on. That's an excellent quality to have and all who know you should admire that.

 

But there is a big difference between forgiving and returning for additional doses of pain, hurt and abuse. Forgiving is great but there is no need for renewed associations with transgressors of this magnitude.

 

Of course, during the course of our lives friends will do things that anger and disappoint us. Forgiving and forgetting is appropriate and we don't dump our friends for minor infractions. But you have to use your good head about this.

 

The reason this old friend of yours called, I promise, is NOT because she wants to be your good bud again. It may be out of intense guilt she now finds difficult to live with. She may have screwed over every friend she has so she's going over the names in her Rolodex to see if anybody will have her back. Or she may need a favor of some sort and will let you know what that is in due time. Perhaps she is very bored in her marriage.

 

If she is capable of doing what she did to you, I feel reasonably certain she has alienated most of her inventory of friends and associates. Sure, she may be older, more mature and have acquired some morals at this time but I wouldn't let her back into my life to see if that's the case.

 

At any rate, it is highly unusual for her to call you at this time. You sound like a wonderful lady who has lots of great friends who treat you well. Discourage his ex friend from calling or associating with you in any way. There are just too many great people out there.

 

Forgiving is great and you are a wonderful person for that. But don't go back for seconds when you get a poison meal.