No, there is not a pony under all the pony p**p

[Lemon Drop]

Hello,

 

I haven't posted here since 2011, and although a lot has happened since then, I am sorry to have to report I'm not over MM and fell for some happy, happy rainbows and unicorn emails and just like 2011 and 2012 I am again in 2014 feeling the anguish just in time for the holidays.

 

The mistake I made was not changing my email. I changed my phone number but after breaking up with MM in 2010 due to wishy washy fading out, less and less contact from him (even though he was "separated" and leaving any day) and fewer crumbs than ever. A year later he contacted me... (November 2011) and was sorry for the crumbs the year before but still loved me and was for sure leaving after the first of the year. The crumbs between then and March when I called it off were not even enough to make up a half of a cookie. Pathetic, really. I was dating other people and only saw him ONCE during that whole time so the breakup was not so hard on me (I was a single OW).

 

Of course, no one matches up to MM, who is captivating and charming and sexy in all the right ways. Therefore, in 2012 (November) when I heard from him, I was sick of dating the duds and happy to hear from him. That lasted about 2 months until he vanished. I never saw him in person during this time and kept doing what I was doing. So that is like half of a crumb. Pathetic.

 

My self esteem isn't totally in the hole though. I've moved along and am keeping busy and in a relationship. The problem is that the crumbs from MM are tastier than the diet I am eating, which includes whole muffins. (The muffins are prevalent, yet gluten, sugar and taste-free - I miss the sugar and the tasty crumbs).

 

So the analogy of the barn full of poop and the shovel.... there must be a pony underneath all this poop..... THERE IS NO PONY. He is vanishing for a reason. He is either a liar and all those ILY's and I am leavings' were not true, or they are true and he is a coward and can't leave. He is probably both and he probably also has 4 girlfriends. I'm sure I am not the only one who finds him tasty.

 

In thinking like the eternal optimist I have brought this on myself. Any ideas of distracting myself would be greatly appreciated. I have been to IC after our initial breakup but that was so long ago I forgot all the advice I got from the therapist at that time.... I do remember she said I dodged a bullet. That would make a good mantra; DODGED A BULLET, DODGED A BULLET, etc. I can't afford to go back to IC and know I will get past this. He's delicious but poisonous for me.

[WakingUp]

Ha! I like you already. A breath of fresh air.

 

 

I cant think of anything especially helpful to say, other than I hope you keep posting.

 

 

Cheers!

[Healthier Me]

The MM (and I use the term "man" loosely as he was a coward) I was seeing fed me The exact same diet as yours! Crumbs everywhere! He was also the same in that he kept pulling back on the communication, leaving for days on end and having me to wonder what the h*** was going on, and "is it over??"

 

Once I reached the threshold of tolerating his behavior, I called it quits and freed us both! We had several break-up's before, but I guess that I wasn't ready in my mind and heart to really end. So that led me to cave each time he decided that HE wasn't done playing yet. I'm not sure why I gave him all of the power and control!

 

But this time was/is different!! I had to want it to be over bad enough that any line of bull he tried to feed me didn't weaken my resolve. One thing I did was keep a hand-written journal of all of the times he made me feel like crap! All of the insecurities I felt when he wouldn't text for days, or when we were together, how rushed everything was. I wrote them down! It was surprising how many there were!!

 

So now when I get all nostalgic and romantize the few good moments we had, I quickly get my list out as a reminder. It's saving me from myself! The feeling subsides and I carry on with my life. Sadly certain songs or whatever will trigger the missings again, so I refer to my list to remind myself that I really didn't mean anything to him. No matter what he told me in the heat of the moment , his mouth and actions didn't jive. Don't actions always speak louder than words??

 

These men never change. It's a game to them and I think they aren't genetically capable of having just one woman hold their attention . They thrive on the chase so once they know they've caught us, it's game over. NEXT!!

 

Good luck to you! Let time do it's thing, and no matter what- don't cave!! I don't even know the guy and I can tell you that HE's NOT WORTH IT!!

[truncated]

He dosn't sound like sugar to me. More like that nasty artificial stuff that tricks your brain into thinking you're getting something sweet when the whole time, it's artifical and slowly poisoning you

[Lemon Drop]

You all are right!

 

He is like the fake sugar they put in soft drinks.... originally invented to kill ants! I need to think of him this way as a poison ant killer every time I think of him so I'll get that poison aftertaste in my mouth and quit thinking of him as sweet and muffin like.

[whichwayisup]

He knows he can vanish from your life and then reappear at any time and you'll take him back with open arms.

 

You want all this to stop and go away, send him one final email that you don't want to hear from him anymore. Wish him well and then get rid of that email account, create another account.

[HBIC]

Hi Lemon Drop,

Thanks for being so brutally honest and self-aware. I am, in many ways, in the same boat as you. I feel attracted to "ex"MM (more on that) and yet also repulsed and, frankly, disgusted with myself for being addicted to such an unhealthy source of attention.

 

"Ex"MM and I have been in contact recently and emotionally it has been more of the same: up, down, up, down, up, down... He's done BSing me about leaving his wife. Nowadays the offer is for sex and a bit of conversation. Sadly, the thoughts in my brain scream, "Yes!" then "Nooo!" then "Yes!" then "Noooooo!" and so on and so forth.

 

There's nothing wrong with other guys but they don't dispense that sick mix of love and pain I apparently crave so much.

 

So anyways, since life's a journey, I am trying to understand myself better and love myself and build the strength to walk away from his hurtful brand of love and not care.

 

Easier said than done.

[Lemon Drop]

Hi Lemon Drop,

Thanks for being so brutally honest and self-aware. I am, in many ways, in the same boat as you. I feel attracted to "ex"MM (more on that) and yet also repulsed and, frankly, disgusted with myself for being addicted to such an unhealthy source of attention.

 

"Ex"MM and I have been in contact recently and emotionally it has been more of the same: up, down, up, down, up, down... He's done BSing me about leaving his wife. Nowadays the offer is for sex and a bit of conversation. Sadly, the thoughts in my brain scream, "Yes!" then "Nooo!" then "Yes!" then "Noooooo!" and so on and so forth.

 

There's nothing wrong with other guys but they don't dispense that sick mix of love and pain I apparently crave so much.

 

So anyways, since life's a journey, I am trying to understand myself better and love myself and build the strength to walk away from his hurtful brand of love and not care.

 

Easier said than done.

 

 

HBIC,

 

We can understand it, but not necessarily cut it out with a scalpel the way we should. While I was in a full blown "relationship" with him the first time, there was nothing like it and quite addictive. This must be what it is like to be addicted to a drug..... remembering the way it made you feel initially and hoping to get back there. People have all kinds of help getting over substance addictions, but love or lust ones - not so much. That's why we come here - to get help.

 

Somehow I rationalize that the feelings I get from him are not available to me otherwise - I am no spring chicken and know this to be true. I told myself I could handle it, it was not going to hurt me, I know what I am dealing with with with this particular addiction and when he vanishes, it won't bother me because I know he probably will. He says the future faking things, I wonder whether they are true and the whole cycle starts over.

 

I know what you are saying about the particular mix of pain and pleasure you get from your MM, which is unavailable from "normal"ones. I expect that is part of our learning experience as we grew up, but I have been able to sh*tcan several other bad seeds and never look back... this is the only one I have trouble with. Maybe a hypnotist would help us.

[HBIC]

This is the cutest thing to describe the inner apocalypse of my mind that I have ever seen!

 

About FOO (family of origin) issues: Ooooooh yeah, am I replaying the "daddy didn't love me" crap all over again with "ex"MM. And he is replaying aspects of a "mommy didn't love me" scenario over again with every woman he has an intimate relationship with. I totally know what you mean about dropping other guys in a split second without so much as a second thought. But this guy? I keep sticking my hand into the fire. Although, thank goodness, much less so now. I KNOW he is a liar and don't expect much from him.

 

I talked with him recently about how our "relationship" is clearly some sort of manifestation of mental illness for the both of us. He admitted to driving to my home while we weren't together in a very stalking kind of way, yet he's a powerful executive with the whole world convinced he has his s*** together. And I get an ego boost knowing I make this man a nutter. Scary.

 

On future faking: it's called FAKING for a reason. He believes it when he says it, but trust me, the second he's home with his W, all that is just washed down the drain like my dream of napping all day on a beach in Tahiti.

 

What we need is to put our special, super-duper Reality Glasses on and see our MM for who they really are: men incapable of giving us the love we need. The other thing I like about these glasses is that they can help a brighter future come into focus. You say the feelings you get from him you can't get anywhere else. This is only true if you believe it. That's the funny thing about belief. If you believe you will meet someone amazing, someone who will make you feel incredible, eventually you will. Why? Because that would be the energy you'd attract. To a large extent, you create your own reality.

 

In the meantime, use the feelings of addiction to MM to figure out the hurting piece inside yourself that needs TLC. That way you can view the pain as something productive ultimately. I have been thinking about how my experience with exMM is teaching me the lesson of valuing myself, which is coming in handy as I navigate a world of enormous egos in my professional field. It also helps me to distinguish between genuinely loving people and people who offer a brand of love I'd rather pass on.

 

Just know you are not alone. (((((hugs)))))) I've never had any luck being hypnotized, but I wouldn't fault anyone for giving it a shot.

Edited December 14, 2014 by HBIC

[Lemon Drop]

HBIC,

 

What we need is to put our special, super-duper Reality Glasses on and see our MM for who they really are: men incapable of giving us the love we need. The other thing I like about these glasses is that they can help a brighter future come into focus. You say the feelings you get from him you can't get anywhere else. This is only true if you believe it. That's the funny thing about belief. If you believe you will meet someone amazing, someone who will make you feel incredible, eventually you will. Why? Because that would be the energy you'd attract. To a large extent, you create your own reality.

 

I want (need) some of these glasses. Since I am good at dressing up and at pretending, I am going to wear my "reality glasses" which have been parked in a drawer because they have a few scratches (but who doesn't), and pretend they are certified from the Dr. of No More Love just for me. They are the opposite of rose colored -

 

(((((((Hugs))))))) to you to and thank you for helping out a fellow LS sufferer. I feel better.

[Lemon Drop]

The MM (and I use the term "man" loosely as he was a coward) I was seeing fed me The exact same diet as yours! Crumbs everywhere! He was also the same in that he kept pulling back on the communication, leaving for days on end and having me to wonder what the h*** was going on, and "is it over??"

 

Once I reached the threshold of tolerating his behavior, I called it quits and freed us both! We had several break-up's before, but I guess that I wasn't ready in my mind and heart to really end. So that led me to cave each time he decided that HE wasn't done playing yet. I'm not sure why I gave him all of the power and control!

 

But this time was/is different!! I had to want it to be over bad enough that any line of bull he tried to feed me didn't weaken my resolve. One thing I did was keep a hand-written journal of all of the times he made me feel like crap! All of the insecurities I felt when he wouldn't text for days, or when we were together, how rushed everything was. I wrote them down! It was surprising how many there were!!

 

So now when I get all nostalgic and romantize the few good moments we had, I quickly get my list out as a reminder. It's saving me from myself! The feeling subsides and I carry on with my life. Sadly certain songs or whatever will trigger the missings again, so I refer to my list to remind myself that I really didn't mean anything to him. No matter what he told me in the heat of the moment , his mouth and actions didn't jive. Don't actions always speak louder than words??

 

These men never change. It's a game to them and I think they aren't genetically capable of having just one woman hold their attention . They thrive on the chase so once they know they've caught us, it's game over. NEXT!!

 

Good luck to you! Let time do it's thing, and no matter what- don't cave!! I don't even know the guy and I can tell you that HE's NOT WORTH IT!!

 

Thank you, Healthier Me,

 

I had this list in a journal. My favorite list (from the first time when we had a "relationship") was the reasons he gave me for:

a) Not being able to show up

b) Not being able to call

c) Not being able to text

d) Not (fill in the blank)

 

Even though this happened 4 (yes, I know BAD) years ago, I threw away the book because looking at it was giving power to things I wanted to forget. I got rid of everything to do with him, including all pictures, gifts, cards, etc. But I can remember some of those reasons and it makes me wonder if I have a brain tumor to even have answered a unicorn email.