Vanished...will i ever hear from him?

[chrissy78]

Had an affair with MM. I know I probably deserve all this pain im in...but for those that have insight on how you moved on, and if you ever heard from AP again...would like to know your thoughts on my situation.

 

I knew him for 4 years, first time things got flirtatious, I put a lot of distance between us..just an occasional run in or email here and there over three years. Until we both moved into the same suburb, 10 minutes away. He heavily pursued me...calls, texts, dinners, gifts, time, attention, i love yous (and yes eventually i gave in...to a full blown affair). To cut it short, the reason i didnt think it was "just sex" was 1)he never made me feel like it - we openly went out in public, restaurants, traveled, took me to dr appts 2) he eventually introduced me to his 3 year old son, who i used to spend time with weekly...and i kind of took that to mean he must be somewhat serious if he introduced me to his talking child. I also introduced him to mine.

 

Three months ago, his wife found an email (him asking me if i got home safely from a trip). It was not concrete evidence of a full blown affair and i dont know if he confessed. Even after her finding out, he contacted me and told me he loved me the next day. I also got a call from the wife, who openly told me that they have a bad/no sex marriage. I didnt call him since that day...neither did he...but a few weeks later learned from some mutual friends he had changed his number and his wife told friends they were working it out.

 

Three months later...I dont feel anything but love for him and I terribly miss him. He was my best friend (although i think i may be delusional because he didnt once turn around to see if i am ok). I just dont understand, if it was just sex, why bring our children into it? If it wasnt just sex, couldnt he have said bye or given some closure, and not just ran away like a coward and changed his number. And will i ever hear from him again??? or is this just the reality of how all affairs end when a spouse finds out no matter how bad the marriage. Can men just forget everything and move on.

[Poppy47]

He won't have forgotten you at all.

 

He has told you where he wants to be by his silence. He wants to be with his wife.

His marriage is important to him . He has thrown you under the proverbial bus.

You might hear from him again later when things have calmed down.

 

For God's sake, don't wait around for that. Walk away with some dignity.

 

I am sorry you are still hurting. I understand how bad it can feel,

 

Poppy.

[goodyblue]

I am sorry you are hurting. The end of any relationship is difficult but it is especially hard when someone just disappears. The best thing you can do is move on. The one thing I am disappointed in is that you brought tour kids into it, especially him. That is a big no no.

 

Good luck and feel better. Xx

[stillafool]

It seems that once the wife finds out reality sets in to them what they are losing and it bursts the affair bubble. Yes, like most of the cheating MM he has thrown you under the bus no matter what he says. Just because he introduced you to his child and took you out in public means nothing. If this guy would cheat on his wife and family he is capable of anything.

[stillafool]

 

He was my best friend (although i think i may be delusional because he didnt once turn around to see if i am ok).

 

How could this MM man be your best friend? Who were your friends before him? He certainly didn't treat you like a best friend.

[Lemon Drop]

Chrissy,

 

It's hard to cope with the loss when you get no closure..... much like my MM who vanishes, yours probably wants to leave the door open in case he feels like popping back into your life again at some point and messing everything up again for you.

 

I am recoping with my vanisher vanishing and came here to give and receive advice like you did. You don't want to be wasting years and years of your life waiting around for him, it's best to assume he's not coming back and start healing.

[chrissy78]

It seems that once the wife finds out reality sets in to them what they are losing and it bursts the affair bubble. Yes, like most of the cheating MM he has thrown you under the bus no matter what he says. Just because he introduced you to his child and took you out in public means nothing. If this guy would cheat on his wife and family he is capable of anything.

 

Yes, good point, hard for me to believe that. I guess i just feel people cheat sometimes, doesnt mean they are rotten to the core...and will use their children. In this case it did.

[sunburned]

I had not thought about it like this...this is yet just another painful reality that makes sense. I wish i had your strength, I tried to be angry, but somehow the anger is short lived, and all I can remember is the good. Im not sure why. I am a highly educated/social/normal person...but for the life of me, I cant see him for what he may really be.

 

It doesn't matter how smart, educated, successful you are. A's cross all socio-economic barriers. IMO, you are still holding on to the person you thought he was and the hope that one day he would leave and be yours. Once the fog lifts (three months is still early), you will be more able to consider the person he actually is and have a lot less trouble letting go. I wish you luck and peace.

[still_an_Angel]

Please find the strength to never look back and walk with your head high. Whether he comes back or not is no longer an issue. Its so easy for him to vanish, so show him that its even easier for you to complete the act by your own forgetting tricks. Never show your pain, he doesn't deserve it. (hugs to you)

[stillafool]

It doesn't matter how smart, educated, successful you are. A's cross all socio-economic barriers. IMO, you are still holding on to the person you thought he was and the hope that one day he would leave and be yours. Once the fog lifts (three months is still early), you will be more able to consider the person he actually is and have a lot less trouble letting go. I wish you luck and peace.

 

I would like to add that Love crosses all socio-economic barriers.

[Striver]

I would like to add that Love crosses all socio-economic barriers.

 

Not necessarily true. Married people can avoid falling in love with other people by boundary management. Some people want to partner with or marry people from a similar cultural background, similar religion, profession, etc.

 

A crush is one thing. "Falling in love" will not happen unless certain conversations are had or certain behaviors take place. Some people put up boundaries because they don't want that.

 

The affair situation is different because affairs are noted for their lack of boundaries. People involved in them don't care about boundaries, so it could be the pool boy, the wife's sister, whomever.

[prettyeyes87]

Not necessarily true. Married people can avoid falling in love with other people by boundary management. Some people want to partner with or marry people from a similar cultural background, similar religion, profession, etc.

 

A crush is one thing. "Falling in love" will not happen unless certain conversations are had or certain behaviors take place. Some people put up boundaries because they don't want that.

 

The affair situation is different because affairs are noted for their lack of boundaries. People involved in them don't care about boundaries, so it could be the pool boy, the wife's sister, whomever.

I agree. I don't think you accidentally "fall in love" with another person, especially when you are married. Certain things must take place to lead up to "falling in love" like spending time together...