tuxedo cat Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 (edited) For those who have been suicidal and pulled themselves out, how? Does it ever get better? The last time I remember being happy for more than a moment I was a child. Since then it's been a gradual decline. I could deal with everything the world threw at me if only I weren't so alone. I've been weighing the pros and cons lately, and I just don't see any reason to go on. Every day of my life is torture because of how the world treats me. I am constantly reminded of how inadequate I am by others. I'm not lazy. I try so, so hard to find acceptance. I overextend myself to the point of exhaustion. When that doesn't work, I try a more indifferent approach and that doesn't work either. Nothing does. Something is fundamentally flawed and unlikeable about me, although I've never been able to place what. (I know that I'm shy and awkward, but that can't be the only reason...can it?) And even if I could, I probably couldn't change it. People treat me like a leper. There's no way of ingratiating myself. I don't even know how to listen to advice from others because my circumstances are so extreme. I can't think of any other adults who are incapable of making friends. Edited December 14, 2014 by tuxedo cat 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 (edited) I'm sorry to hear of your heartache and struggle. I think we've all had at least one brief moment where we entertain the idea of checking out for one reason or another. For most people it's not a serious consideration while for others it a never ending dance with the devil. Two things pop into my mind when I hear of people struggling like you; Do you or have you subscribed to any kind of faith or church or religion? I know this is a touchy subject with some people but often times having a belief in a higher power and leaning on that power to help you through your darkest moments does help. The other is, are you or have you ever been in any kind of counselling or therapy? Again, seeking professional help can be monumental in terms of learning how to deal with the depression and negative thoughts etc. Many people can't get "better" on their own especially when they're so deep in the rabbit hole. Professional intervention is often a life saver literally. What is your current status on either of these points? Edited December 14, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle 5 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 There is nothing flawed about you tux. Your mind is just stuck in a swamp like state. =/ When you're as depressed as you are other people can smell the swamp and it stinks. The stench can affect everything really. It's probably sabotaging just about every interaction you have with other people without you being aware of it. You think they don't like you but they just don't like the smell. I thought about it a lot when I was a kid. My mother was my swamp and once I got out and took a shower everything changed for the better. Everyday I've had since is a gift really. And it can possibly be for you too but you need to take the first step and start looking into seeing someone. That's probably the path out of your own swamp. You ever go to sleep at night and have one of those dreams where you're happy, everything just feels right and at ease? Like it should be. One that's so powerful you don't want to wake up. Where you could sleep 16-20 hours if your alarm clock let you. I had that feeling when I wasn't dreaming not too long ago. There's going to be plenty of time for you to be dead later but there are some truly wonderful things waiting for you here if can bring yourself to make the effort. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 For those who have been suicidal and pulled themselves out, how? Does it ever get better? Hell ya it gets better. way WAY better. I've been weighing the pros and cons lately, and I just don't see any reason to go on. No GODDAMN way. You get to a doc, and what ever he/she gives you TAKE IT. Something is fundamentally flawed and unlikeable about me, although I've never been able to place what. Yea, and it's probably brain chemistry, And even if I could, I probably couldn't change it. People treat me like a leper. There's no way of ingratiating myself. OH BULL****. You better hope that I don't find ya. "Cause if I did I'd kick your ass all the way to the doctor's office. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 If she was still in Boston I'd be dragging her myself but I'm not going to New York. Maybe we can outsource it to RedRobin. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 If she was still in Boston I'd be dragging her myself but I'm not going to New York. Maybe we can outsource it to RedRobin. I got your 6 if that's what it takes. This stuff is far far more dangerous than most folks would admit. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tuxedo cat Posted December 14, 2014 Author Share Posted December 14, 2014 (edited) There is nothing flawed about you tux. Your mind is just stuck in a swamp like state. =/ When you're as depressed as you are other people can smell the swamp and it stinks. The stench can affect everything really. It's probably sabotaging just about every interaction you have with other people without you being aware of it. You think they don't like you but they just don't like the smell. I thought about it a lot when I was a kid. My mother was my swamp and once I got out and took a shower everything changed for the better. Everyday I've had since is a gift really. And it can possibly be for you too but you need to take the first step and start looking into seeing someone. That's probably the path out of your own swamp. You ever go to sleep at night and have one of those dreams where you're happy, everything just feels right and at ease? Like it should be. One that's so powerful you don't want to wake up. Where you could sleep 16-20 hours if your alarm clock let you. I had that feeling when I wasn't dreaming not too long ago. There's going to be plenty of time for you to be dead later but there are some truly wonderful things waiting for you here if can bring yourself to make the effort. I agree with you, Gaius, but how do I get out of the swamp without being accepted by others? My depression has a very obvious root: I'm alone. I think I'm also suffering from slight PTSD following what happened to me last spring. When I first moved here I got this internship that seemed like a promising fit for my skills and interests. While I knew it would be a struggle, I also believed myself to be capable at the time. I'm self-doubting but I never would have anticipated the nightmare that followed. I was tormented and exploited by my two bosses. After months of slaving away, I overheard them say terrible things about me ("she's weird", "she has no life", "she's not good at anything"). I was also betrayed in a pretty marvelous fashion by a coworker who I thought was a friend. All this pulverized my confidence. That was six months ago and I still haven't recovered. I wish I weren't so sensitive and could shed the past. Instead all of my bad experiences seem to define me. And you're right...people can smell the fact that I'm injured. Edited December 14, 2014 by tuxedo cat Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 You are most likely your own worst & toughest critic. I know I have a bad habit of doing that to myself. My therapist recommended I learn how to treat myself like I treat other people. I'm usually one of the 1st to bolster somebody & to point out the good things but I focus on all of my mistakes & never cut myself a break. So far I haven't had much success actually being kind to myself but it has helped me a lot to at least recognize when I'm doing it. While I have yet to learn to self soothe, I do have a few people I trust to give me a new perspective. When I'm beating myself up I stop, go tell the story to a friend & ask them to evaluate the situation. Most time they will find a mistake or two but it's not the end of the world scenario that I envisioned. Many times they assure me that it was all good. Since you say this is a life long pattern have you sought therapy? If not do that before making an irreversible decisions. You are not a leper. Sometimes it's a matter of letting other people love you. If your family & the other people in your life aren't doing that it's time to find new people. Things will get better when you get out of that toxic work situation. If you aren't getting paid, I don't care how fabulous the opportunity, it's not worth your life or your sanity. When you move on to something more fulfilling, you will feel better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 I'm alone. I think I'm also suffering from slight PTSD following what happened to me last spring. Probably more than a little. I've seen that movie before too. I wish I weren't so sensitive and could shed the past. Instead all of my bad experiences seem to define me. And you're right...people can smell the fact that I'm injured. You know what's frustrating about you? You won't get any help. There are things out there that will change your life. You don't have to live your life this way! Link to post Share on other sites
Author tuxedo cat Posted December 14, 2014 Author Share Posted December 14, 2014 This is a response to everyone who has responded. I really appreciate what you've written. Just the fact that you've taken the time to help me reaffirms my faith in humanity a little. I've tried therapy and it didn't help. At various points in my twenties I went to a therapist. It always fizzled out after a few months because nothing in my life changed and so I stopped going. I don't know whether it was me or the therapists I saw. Mostly they were head-nodders who offered canned-sounding advice I could have read in a self-help book. What I always wanted but never found was an aggressive therapist who handed me a schedule and said, "look, this is what you need to do to get better." I do well with structure. Although I shopped around for somebody proactive and focused, I never found them, and now that my options are much more limited by income, I doubt I ever will. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 This is a response to everyone who has responded. I really appreciate what you've written. Just the fact that you've taken the time to help me reaffirms my faith in humanity a little. I've tried therapy and it didn't help. At various points in my twenties I went to a therapist. It always fizzled out after a few months because nothing in my life changed and so I stopped going. I don't know whether it was me or the therapists I saw. Mostly they were head-nodders who offered canned-sounding advice I could have read in a self-help book. What I always wanted but never found was an aggressive therapist who handed me a schedule and said, "look, this is what you need to do to get better." I do well with structure. Although I shopped around for somebody proactive and focused, I never found them, and now that my options are much more limited by income, I doubt I ever will. You perhaps are in more need of a life coach with a bit of a therapist vibe too, rather than a pure therapist. Someone like this perhaps? Loads of videos to watch if you do not want to spend money. https://www.youtube.com/user/SPARTANLIFECOACH Link to post Share on other sites
skydiveaddict Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 At various points in my twenties I went to a therapist. It always fizzled out after a few months because nothing in my life changed and so I stopped going. And do you know why? Because therapy is bull****. You need to see a psychiatrist. Some knowledgeable M.D. who can prescribe drugs that will actually help you. Not fill your already suffering soul with a crock of bull**** therapy. I don't know whether it was me or the therapists I saw. It was the therapists. Start on this tomorrow DON"T WAIT 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tuxedo cat Posted December 14, 2014 Author Share Posted December 14, 2014 And do you know why? Because therapy is bull****. You need to see a psychiatrist. Some knowledgeable M.D. who can prescribe drugs that will actually help you. Not fill your already suffering soul with a crock of bull**** therapy. It was the therapists. Start on this tomorrow DON"T WAIT Okay. I will. ..... Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 This is a response to everyone who has responded. I really appreciate what you've written. Just the fact that you've taken the time to help me reaffirms my faith in humanity a little. I've tried therapy and it didn't help. At various points in my twenties I went to a therapist. It always fizzled out after a few months because nothing in my life changed and so I stopped going. I don't know whether it was me or the therapists I saw. Mostly they were head-nodders who offered canned-sounding advice I could have read in a self-help book. What I always wanted but never found was an aggressive therapist who handed me a schedule and said, "look, this is what you need to do to get better." I do well with structure. Although I shopped around for somebody proactive and focused, I never found them, and now that my options are much more limited by income, I doubt I ever will. Hi tuxedo cat, the way you write I am sure that you are a beautiful person. The problem with most beautiful (special) people is that they often are overlooked because most people only recognize sheep skydiveaddict means well, but therapy isn't bull. I do recognize what you say though. I think 18 years ago I spoke with a talent-full nodder, it did not help me at all as I perfectly knew what to tell to have him agree with me. Sometimes we know what we do wrong to ourselves very well, but taking the steps to a healthier path still are out of our reach because we do not know how. By chance I found a councillor in psychosynthesis (not sure if that was the cure) but she often told me that what I told her simply was bull****. It was quite refreshing to say the least. She learnt me to stop talking her insane and thinking everything to death, something I used to restrain my emotions as that was quite needed at the time. Please seek for someone like that. I am sure you are a really precious person who got herself surrounded by sheep Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 It might be possible that medication could help you. Sometimes, therapy alone isn't enough. I was functional but clinically depressed throughout high school and part of college. It took therapy AND meds to help me through. You don't have to take the meds forever either. I know antidepressants are a source of great debate among those who have taken them (some for and some against), but I was greatly helped by Paxil. It truly changed my outlook on life when I saw nothing much to live for. What kind of family support do you have? What kinds of friendships do you have that you can lean on? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 I think you may need a combo of the right therapy, some drugs AND possibly a life coach. The meds will stabilize your brain chemistry. The therapist will diagnose your condition & listen but the coach will tell you how to fix it. life coaching borrows from sports coaching. The coach makes you run laps & practice, practice, practice until the big game. A life coach similarly offers an action plan. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JJOlay Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 For those who have been suicidal and pulled themselves out, how? Does it ever get better? The last time I remember being happy for more than a moment I was a child. Since then it's been a gradual decline. I could deal with everything the world threw at me if only I weren't so alone. I've been weighing the pros and cons lately, and I just don't see any reason to go on. Every day of my life is torture because of how the world treats me. I am constantly reminded of how inadequate I am by others. I'm not lazy. I try so, so hard to find acceptance. I overextend myself to the point of exhaustion. When that doesn't work, I try a more indifferent approach and that doesn't work either. Nothing does. Something is fundamentally flawed and unlikeable about me, although I've never been able to place what. (I know that I'm shy and awkward, but that can't be the only reason...can it?) And even if I could, I probably couldn't change it. People treat me like a leper. There's no way of ingratiating myself. I don't even know how to listen to advice from others because my circumstances are so extreme. I can't think of any other adults who are incapable of making friends. There is a reason to go on my friend and I'll tell you why. I feel very similar to you. My happiest moments in my life were the simplest joys of my childhood. The memory of my father coming home from his weeklong truck load delivery with a small bag of cheetos... It may sound sad but I've never had happiness surge through my being as I did during those times... Life isn't meant to be happy. But if you're granted life this day, that is a miracle enough in itself to stay alive and strive to thrive. Listen, there will come a day sooner than you think were you will not be granted this miracle. It's the same for everyone. Bruce Lee once said do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to get through a difficult one. This resonates with me personally because I believe we are ALL in this struggle. And do I feel alone at time? Ofcourse. I feel I don't have a partner, and I'm my own best friend. It may sound sad but you know what, that's what it's come down to in my life. We struggle, we suffer, we bleed and cry, but just understand my friend, I don't know you but Im going through the same thing. No matter what happens you will get through it and grow, please don't give up. Please don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Danda Posted December 14, 2014 Share Posted December 14, 2014 Part of my personal ethics/philosophy or whatever one might call it, is that I believe humans have a duty to each other. Even when a person has nothing else, they will always have the capacity and ability to love others. That is something that nobody can ever take away from you. You will only lose it if you throw it away. I made a pact with myself many years ago that if I ever hit rock bottom and lost everything, then I would just go out into the world and try to help / comfort others until I 'just so happen' to die, rather than committing suicide. If you consider how many lonely/suffering/downtrodden people are out there in just your country alone, and can imagine them wondering where are the kind/patient people in the world, do you really want the answer to be, "They're offing themselves,"? Even if you get to a point where you feel you have nothing, you will still have the ability to love/empathize, so even if that's all you have left, all you have left is the most valuable and beautiful thing in existence. I don't judge people who have committed suicide, like in a 'shame on you' sort of way. Who knows what mental illness or trauma haunted them. But I do consider it tragic when something like that is thrown away like it's worthless. It's an ironic kind of tragic, as well, because you have been through so much **** that suicide has crossed your mind, then you understand others who have gone through the same **** in ways that those who have not can never truly understand. Like I have never lost a child. I can't truly understand what that feels like. I can only be kind/patient/supportive while contemplating what it must be like on a purely intellectual level. I can't provide that much deeper, purer empathy that someone else who has also lost a child can. In my perception we all have to do our very best to hold on, sometimes literally for dear life, because if we let go when the pain gets intense, then how is humanity going to heal, without that empathy and understanding in the world? Link to post Share on other sites
TiredConfusedHurtSad Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I used to think about suicide, then realized that I didn't want to miss it when they invented a cure for cancer -- or AIDS...or depression! Or made contact with intelligent extraterrestrial life...et cetera. But increasingly none of that interests me much...I guess I'm too jaded but now the only thing keeping me tethered to this absurdity called life is that there appears to be no simple, quick, and painless way to die that's accessible/affordable and guaranteed. That's why not. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 I agree with you, Gaius, but how do I get out of the swamp without being accepted by others? My depression has a very obvious root: I'm alone. I think I'm also suffering from slight PTSD following what happened to me last spring. When I first moved here I got this internship that seemed like a promising fit for my skills and interests. While I knew it would be a struggle, I also believed myself to be capable at the time. I'm self-doubting but I never would have anticipated the nightmare that followed. I was tormented and exploited by my two bosses. After months of slaving away, I overheard them say terrible things about me ("she's weird", "she has no life", "she's not good at anything"). I was also betrayed in a pretty marvelous fashion by a coworker who I thought was a friend. All this pulverized my confidence. That was six months ago and I still haven't recovered. I wish I weren't so sensitive and could shed the past. Instead all of my bad experiences seem to define me. And you're right...people can smell the fact that I'm injured. Not being accepted is a recent development though, you said yourself people back in Boston respected you. People here like you. You had friends but they've been dropping out of the picture lately, like that guy. To be honest you probably did something to offend him without realizing it if he was busy sniping at you like that. =/ Maybe missed his birthday, didn't return one too many calls, something along those lines. Most likely due to the state your mind is in at the moment. It's the depression that's causing the non-acceptance, not the other way around. You're not one of these people that could never find acceptance no matter what. You know when people talk about other people the way your bosses talked about you it usually indicates some form of either jealousy or offense taken. =/ If they just thought you were a crappy worker they wouldn't be going out of their way to say all that other stuff too. So what you interpreted as a hit to your self worth was actually a compliment in a way. There's something about you they felt jealous about. Maybe you're younger and better looking than they are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tuxedo cat Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 Not being accepted is a recent development though, you said yourself people back in Boston respected you. People here like you. You had friends but they've been dropping out of the picture lately, like that guy. To be honest you probably did something to offend him without realizing it if he was busy sniping at you like that. =/ Maybe missed his birthday, didn't return one too many calls, something along those lines. Most likely due to the state your mind is in at the moment. It's the depression that's causing the non-acceptance, not the other way around. You're not one of these people that could never find acceptance no matter what. You know when people talk about other people the way your bosses talked about you it usually indicates some form of either jealousy or offense taken. =/ If they just thought you were a crappy worker they wouldn't be going out of their way to say all that other stuff too. So what you interpreted as a hit to your self worth was actually a compliment in a way. There's something about you they felt jealous about. Maybe you're younger and better looking than they are. My backstory with that friend is complicated and we both did things wrong, but his betrayal was profound and hurt me a great deal. I'm not including that as an example of rejection; just saying that it was yet another bad experience that set me up for depression. I don't think it's either jealousy or offense in the case of those bosses. It's a lack of respect combined with resentment that they could tell I wanted more. It was an internship so I was already treated like a subhuman. I worked my ass off and they could both tell I was aiming for a job, but they felt I didnt deserve it because my personality wasn't right (shy/weird). I think they picked on me to justify it to themselves because on some level they knew it wasn't fair for them to be so superficial considering the quality of my work and dedication. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tuxedo cat Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 It gets worse. I had a miserable night. The casting director I intern for threw a holiday party for all the interns at her place. Leading up to it, I wasn't all that nervous despite my fear of large groups. Before the party I had a beer at home. Sometimes I'll do this before a social event to ease my nerves, but whether my brain cooperates is always a guess. Often a little booze has the intended effect but at other times I get drowsy instead of buzzed, which is what happened last night. FYI, I know your alarm bells are probably ringing but I'm not much of a drinker. I probably drink once every month or two in moderation and it's always before or during a social gathering. Still I recognize this isn't a good coping mechanism but I don't have an alternative. If I go sober, I'm a nervous wreck. I started to panic a little inside when I got to her apartment and the first words that came out of my mouth were awkward. I realized that it hadn't worked this time and it wasn't going to be a good night. Other things happened that unsettled me. Two out of the three other interns completely ignored me. One girl was sitting next to me for two hours and didn't speak a word to me. Once the conversation starting going, I couldn't think of anything to contribute. There were just a lot of topics I didn't relate to. For example, there was a long discussion about childhood camps. Most of the girls were past campers or camp counselors. I went to one camp as a kid when I was 11 but I barely remember anything about it. But even when it comes to simple banter, I couldn't keep up. My response time was slow because I found it hard to follow several people talking at once. The worst moment of the evening for me was when the old casting associate, a middle aged lady I've never met before who used to work for the casting director, took the floor and told her stories about weird interns from the past. She made fun of a kid who worked for them years ago, how he was so quiet and afraid, and how he would bring back food to the office to share with people in a lame attempt to endear himself. She mentioned how he gave her a long card when his internship ended thanking her for her "patience" and how she chuckled to herself that "maybe casting isn't for you but I hope you find SOMETHING you're good at." Naturally, I identified with this kid and thought to myself, "What am I doing here? Who am I kidding trying to make it in this field? These people are probably thinking the same things about me." Anyway these anxieties piled up and after awhile I just went mute and fantasized about my bed at home. After dinner the casting director took a picture of everyone. I hate getting my picture taken but I tried my best to look happy. She looked at the picture, frowned and said, "Tux...why do you look so tired?" Wonderful. Of course I went home feeling even more hopeless. I don't know how I'll even have a career, let alone friends, with this problem. I never knew how debilitating it was and how judgmental people were until I graduated. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 (edited) tux...when you look for answers to why and who you are ....its growth you want....when you dont care anymore what the answers are people give you......when you stop asking...you should have gotten help before while you were asking questions....i have learned this......by having my stomach pumped...do it now...... ring someone a professional counseling line tell them your concerns and exactly how you are feeling......what you dream of ....what occupies your mind while your awake....what you enjoy doing if you are still doing it ...how you occupy your time....are you taking risks....standing too close to the yellow line at the train station.........before you dont care to share or find answers..you still care.....you can come through this......i have come through it.......i still have bad days....i have done therapy..group therapy for me opened my mouth when i refused to open my mouth.......i was done talking...group made me feel not so alone.....and understood........ .i have tried meds.....i am sailing this boat myself now.....i do that by acceptance....my bad days .....are only days......they arent weeks ...just days i dont feel well.....i have built a movie fort in my room for bad days...of all my favourite movies...i have my music and my books...they help me...you should see my movie fort its pretty cool.....L0) surround yourself with things you love even if its your room.....and keep a journal.....put everything down your thoughts and feelings the way you feel physically and things you do to combat the sadness.....if you have ptsd flashbacks......know they end......you arent back there keep saying that to yourself...this too shall pass....its isnt spring anymore....everything ends.....even sadness .....and it cant stay dark forever....work out your own mantras that work for you....be with people who love you...stay away from people who dont love you or make you feel small....be with people who make you feel good about you .....dont ever give up.....dont ever not care...especially about the people around you...caring is key...the less you care....the more you wont share.........deb Edited December 16, 2014 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
Author tuxedo cat Posted December 16, 2014 Author Share Posted December 16, 2014 Thanks for the sweet response Todream, but I'm past the point of caring. The only thing stopping me is the fear of death but I will die one day. Why not now before all of my worst fears, being a failure and alone forever, become a reality? I know I will hurt a few people but I hope in the end they will understand because they've seen firsthand what a hard life I've had. To be honest I think most people in my shoes would make the same choice. Imagine having nobody and being treated every day like you're worthless or invisible because of your social anxiety. And on top of that few if any job prospects despite being capable and well educated. I would even rather be in a wheelchair with a different personality. That's a disability that could be overcome because people are willing to look past the surface if someone has a winning personality. Link to post Share on other sites
Kaya Posted December 16, 2014 Share Posted December 16, 2014 Tuxedo, I'm sorry your having such a rough time, but it won't be like this forever, it really won't! Lots and lots of people have social anxiety and overcome it, there is help and treatment available x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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