suicide - why not

[tuxedo cat]

Do you have any valuable relationships at all, with anyone? Even family?

 

A couple. I have one really close friend, a guy I've known for 12 years. We're kindred spirits, he's always been there for me and I'm grateful to have him in my life. The problem is he lives far away now (5 hours by car), so we rarely see each other anymore. And even when we were in the same city, one friend never felt like enough. I'm pretty close to my mother as well.

Edited January 2, 2015 by tuxedo cat

[tuxedo cat]

Given our acrimonious history, I'm hesitant to post here - but I will attempt to be objective and honest.

 

I have a friend who is possibly a little like you, only the manifestation of her issues is far more severe (she has had a serious eating disorder for years). She's a sweet and considerate person, but she's also very intense. Whereas with other friends we will have a laugh together, you can't really have much of a laugh with this particular friend. She can be witty, and she's insightful - but she's never really grasped the use of humour as a coping mechanism and as a means of bringing some perspective to situations.

 

I think you are also an intense sort of personality who doesn't really show much signs of having a sense of humour. Like my friend, it may be that you can make witty comments - but I suspect that past grievances in your life aren't something you can laugh about. If you heard people joking about having been bullied, I think your reaction would likely be one of horror and "that's not funny!" Perhaps you'd analyse it and decide that they had Stockholm Syndrom or something... but I think what you'd fail to do would be to understand that humour is an incredibly effective coping mechanism which can actually help people to make the best times out of the worst ones.

 

I haven't spent much time in NYC. I have a good friend there who kind of fits the stereotype in many ways (tough minded, sarcastic etc). That friend has helped me through some tough times, just by creating an environment where I can laugh about problems I would have otherwise cried about. Without a strong sense of humour, I think you're going to continue blowing every problem out of proportion and analysing everything to the nth degree. With humour, you can still analyse things but at the same time humour is a way of reminding yourelf not to take it all so seriously. It's also one of the primary means by which people bond and by which they resolve disputes.

 

If people don't really feel that they can have a laugh with you, then they're probably not going to feel particularly comfortable around you - no matter how nice, kind and solicitous your demeanour might be. You can spend the rest of your life analysing it, and attributing various dysfunctions or negative emotions to people you don't get along with...but I think the bottom line is that until you develop a better sense of humour you're going to struggle to get along with people.

 

More probably with other women. I say that because a lot of men tend not to think women have a sense of humour in any event. So they won't care if you don't show much sense of humour. Women, on the other hand, do actually use humour in our dealings with eachother all the time. We use it to bond, we use it to negotiate tricky little areas of potential dispute, we use it to challenge and we use it to cope when life throws crap at us.

 

I would challenge you to watch Borat. It goes without saying that you won't be amused by it - but on this occasion, instead of analysing everything that's wrong with the film (or with people who do find it funny) which justifies you not finding it amusing...ask yourself what makes it so hard for you to laugh. The answer to that is probably an answer to quite a lot of your issues.

 

Oh, another thought: maybe just trying to be funny is enough? I worry so much about telling a joke that falls flat, but probably just showing I don't take myself so seriously would do the trick.

Edited January 2, 2015 by tuxedo cat

[Taramere]

When I'm around women I spend a lot of energy obsessing over what to say, and I often find myself out of my depth. For example, at a dinner party a few weeks ago the girls were exchanging camp stories and I had nothing to contribute because I never really went to camp growing up (my family couldn't afford it). Female humor often centers around shared female experiences and in-jokes. Tina Fey's brand of humor, especially in "Mean Girls," comes to mind. I like Tina Fey and I laugh at her jokes; I just don't think she and I would hit it off she's such a woman's woman.

 

I'm always reluctant to bring this problem up because I've noticed that a lot of the time when a woman complains about trouble with other women, people assume she's somehow to blame. She must be jealous or sexist or slutty or entitled. And sometimes that is true. But there are also women who legitimately struggle with other women through no fault of their own because they just have a different way of relating or because they're a little weird or because they missed out on the formative bonding experiences that other women shared. And not because they feel like they're better than other women. I'd love to have some female friends.

 

What I'm trying to say is I know it's a problem but I don't know how to fix it.

 

Well, there are lots of women who don't fit easily into the traditional stereotypes. I was watching The Help round at a friend's - and it was a very interesting film to both of us. When you break it down, most of the women involved in that story didn't exactly fit in. Most people have weird aspects to them, or times they don't fit in.

 

In a group, the group will tend to take on whatever the personality of the most outgoing person is. You can get along with a group, without actually being part of that group - in the same way that you can get along with a person who has a very different personality to you. The essence of it is accepting that you're not part of the group, and realising that you don't have to be. You can still like the group and the people in it well enough.

 

I feel a bit like that at work. We had our Christmas lunch. I sat down, and it soon became clear to me that nobody wanted to sit next to me. It's like the school teams picking thing, when you find yourself last. It's not very pleasant, but what can you do? We all had a few drinks, went through to the bar and suddenly when I sat down colleagues wanted to sit down next to me and I felt very much part of things again.

 

I was telling a friend about it, and she immediately had a tale to tell about a situation where nobody seemed to want to sit next to her. Most people do. They'll tend to gravitate towards the noisiest members of the group, because that's where they think the action and fun will be. It's not pleasant, but I do think that the way to handle those little scenarios is to regard yourself as being on amicable terms with the group but not necessarily part of it either generally or at that particular time. I've usually found that so long as I see it from that perspective, the times of feeling alienated will pass....or might come and go.

 

I think my point is that you're certainly not alone in having these feelings....but part of your problem might involve having that bit more difficulty in handling the feelings that result from feeling a bit on the outside of things. In thinking "there must be either something wrong with me, or with that group of people, or with whoever the dominant member of that group of people is." And that's when hostility begins to set in and the natural process of a person slotting in with a group, or else maintaining some separateness from the group but getting on well with the people in it, is disrupted.

 

Oh, another thought: maybe just trying to be funny is enough? I worry so much about telling a joke that falls flat, but probably just showing I don't take myself so seriously would do the trick.

 

I think self awareness is at the heart of a good sense of humour. You have very good self awareness, so potentially you could use that to your advantage. If you know your weaknesses and have some sense of things you say and do that can piss people off you can use it as self deprecating humour. People often frown on that ("lose self esteem" etc) but really - I think it takes a certain amount of comfort with who they are for a person to be able to do that. If you're more comfortable with yourself, other people will be more comfortable with you too.

Edited January 2, 2015 by Taramere

[aggie382]

Oh, another thought: maybe just trying to be funny is enough? I worry so much about telling a joke that falls flat, but probably just showing I don't take myself so seriously would do the trick.

 

How often do you find yourself laughing with other people?

[tuxedo cat]

How often do you find yourself laughing with other people?

 

Often. Sometimes I actually worry that I'm too giggly in my eager-to-pleaseness. My problem is more telling jokes, not appreciating them.

[aggie382]

Often. Sometimes I actually worry that I'm too giggly in my eager-to-pleaseness. My problem is more telling jokes, not appreciating them.

 

I find myself laughing with friends and coworkers and strangers all the time, but rarely are we laughing at a 'joke.' Are you trying too hard maybe? A sense of humor is a part of who we are, it sounds like you don't know how to express yours.

[tuxedo cat]

Often. Sometimes I actually worry that I'm too giggly in my eager-to-pleaseness. My problem is more telling jokes, not appreciating them.

 

*eagerness to please.

[tuxedo cat]

I find myself laughing with friends and coworkers and strangers all the time, but rarely are we laughing at a 'joke.' Are you trying too hard maybe? A sense of humor is a part of who we are, it sounds like you don't know how to express yours.

 

Yeah. I think I try too hard overall and it comes off as insecure.

 

 

-----------------------

[Anela]

I've been meaning to respond to this, and might PM you at some point. I've been on shaky ground recently, and New Year's Eve was especially bad, so I'm not up for it yet. I don't talk about my problems much anymore - I did my usual thing of crying it out, and then falling asleep, but I thought I wouldn't be able to stop crying. On the one hand, when I feel more human, I'm trying to work out the best way that I can accomplish what I need to get done, or how I can make things better for myself and the people around me. And then something happens, or I just fall into the hole, and I don't want to know anyone. I've been so sick of being messed with, but the majority of people I know are nice to me, so I don't know why the nastiness takes precedence.

 

I can recognize myself in some of the things that have been said here - at least in ways. I remember being such a happy, confident little kid, though. Even though most people tend to see me in a positive light (as far as I know), I've been targeted several times in social situations. At least I'm shifting more into, "This is messed up, and it's messing me up, so I have to get out of here" instead of, "It's all my fault, I need to die." Or I had been. The other night, all of my hope was gone.

[Eddy Street]

Because there's always something to learn and something to SHARE. Even if all hope seems lost, you still have the power to share, a thought, an idea, anything, with another human being and you just might change the world.

[tuxedo cat]

Remarkably the casting director I worked for on fashion week in September wants to hire me again for fashion week this Feb which will be a good chunk of money. I was kind of shocked to hear from her since I thought she hated me. I do keep getting hired by the same people, so guess I must be doing something right.

[Million.to.1]

Remarkably the casting director I worked for on fashion week in September wants to hire me again for fashion week this Feb which will be a good chunk of money. I was kind of shocked to hear from her since I thought she hated me. I do keep getting hired by the same people, so guess I must be doing something right.

 

I work in the industry too and it's tough to know where you stand sometimes. I tend to question whether people like working with me or whatever when work is quiet but then I get a stream of work and my doubts go away.. It's so up and down, and fickle as F*#k. There are a lot of big personalities in the industry too and if you are shy/withdrawn it might feel overwhelming at times. Casting seems a good fit for you IMO.

[tuxedo cat]

Well, there are lots of women who don't fit easily into the traditional stereotypes. I was watching The Help round at a friend's - and it was a very interesting film to both of us. When you break it down, most of the women involved in that story didn't exactly fit in. Most people have weird aspects to them, or times they don't fit in.

 

In a group, the group will tend to take on whatever the personality of the most outgoing person is. You can get along with a group, without actually being part of that group - in the same way that you can get along with a person who has a very different personality to you. The essence of it is accepting that you're not part of the group, and realising that you don't have to be. You can still like the group and the people in it well enough.

 

I feel a bit like that at work. We had our Christmas lunch. I sat down, and it soon became clear to me that nobody wanted to sit next to me. It's like the school teams picking thing, when you find yourself last. It's not very pleasant, but what can you do? We all had a few drinks, went through to the bar and suddenly when I sat down colleagues wanted to sit down next to me and I felt very much part of things again.

 

I was telling a friend about it, and she immediately had a tale to tell about a situation where nobody seemed to want to sit next to her. Most people do. They'll tend to gravitate towards the noisiest members of the group, because that's where they think the action and fun will be. It's not pleasant, but I do think that the way to handle those little scenarios is to regard yourself as being on amicable terms with the group but not necessarily part of it either generally or at that particular time. I've usually found that so long as I see it from that perspective, the times of feeling alienated will pass....or might come and go.

 

I think my point is that you're certainly not alone in having these feelings....but part of your problem might involve having that bit more difficulty in handling the feelings that result from feeling a bit on the outside of things. In thinking "there must be either something wrong with me, or with that group of people, or with whoever the dominant member of that group of people is." And that's when hostility begins to set in and the natural process of a person slotting in with a group, or else maintaining some separateness from the group but getting on well with the people in it, is disrupted.

 

 

 

I think self awareness is at the heart of a good sense of humour. You have very good self awareness, so potentially you could use that to your advantage. If you know your weaknesses and have some sense of things you say and do that can piss people off you can use it as self deprecating humour. People often frown on that ("lose self esteem" etc) but really - I think it takes a certain amount of comfort with who they are for a person to be able to do that. If you're more comfortable with yourself, other people will be more comfortable with you too.

 

Right. I think all my efforts to disguise my "separateness" out of shame are counterproductive. If I embrace the fact that I feel a little different and even make light of it, I could probably spin it as a strength and find a comfortable place for myself on the fringes of groups.

 

My roommate is a nice guy who is super awkward, but what he has that I don't is zero shame about who he is. He will talk your ear off about esoteric subjects and I'm sure he turns some people off with his ramblings, but he's found a number of likeminded friends. He's the kind of guy people say about, "Well, he's a little weird, but he's a good guy. I like him a lot." While I may be more socially appropriate and attuned, I'm also less carefree and comfortable in my own skin.

Edited January 3, 2015 by tuxedo cat

[tuxedo cat]

I work in the industry too and it's tough to know where you stand sometimes. I tend to question whether people like working with me or whatever when work is quiet but then I get a stream of work and my doubts go away.. It's so up and down, and fickle as F*#k. There are a lot of big personalities in the industry too and if you are shy/withdrawn it might feel overwhelming at times. Casting seems a good fit for you IMO.

 

Glad you can relate. Do you work in fashion or film? Yeah, the randomness of the work can be unnerving. So can the huge egos. Withstanding a little abuse is par for the course. What I'm learning is how to tell the difference between the bosses who are sharp but harmless and the ones who are actually exploitative.

Edited January 3, 2015 by tuxedo cat

[tuxedo cat]

I'm riding another wave of anxiety and depression. I can't eat because I'm so stressed out about my future. I don't know whether to switch gears or continue on this career path. The problem is there isn't anything I can switch to that I'd be qualified for.

 

Today I finally filled out the paperwork so that I can get health coverage, which will (hopefully) allow me to afford therapy. I still need to talk to a representative to compare a few plans and then wait until February 1st for my coverage to begin.

 

But man...I really, really need help. Again, I'm standing on the ledge, wondering why I continue living this miserable life. My efforts to overcome my circumstances only leave me feeling more defeated. I think what makes it most horrible is the shame I feel about my depression and the fact that nobody wants to hear about it. I rarely bring it up anymore in real life because people change the subject or get uncomfortable or give me generic advice. And that's the best case scenario. Usually they hold it against me and stop returning my calls or say they don't want to be burdened with somebody else's problems. I feel alone.

[gaius]

Glad you can relate. Do you work in fashion or film?

I think she works as one of the hobbits at the shire.

 

I'm glad you finally got the healthcare thing taken care of. And if you need to talk just talk to us tux.

[BC1980]

I'm riding another wave of anxiety and depression. I can't eat because I'm so stressed out about my future. I don't know whether to switch gears or continue on this career path. The problem is there isn't anything I can switch to that I'd be qualified for.

 

Today I finally filled out the paperwork so that I can get health coverage, which will (hopefully) allow me to afford therapy. I still need to talk to a representative to compare a few plans and then wait until February 1st for my coverage to begin.

 

But man...I really, really need help. Again, I'm standing on the ledge, wondering why I continue living this miserable life. My efforts to overcome my circumstances only leave me feeling more defeated. I think what makes it most horrible is the shame I feel about my depression and the fact that nobody wants to hear about it. I rarely bring it up anymore in real life because people change the subject or get uncomfortable or give me generic advice. And that's the best case scenario. Usually they hold it against me and stop returning my calls or say they don't want to be burdened with somebody else's problems. I feel alone.

 

Tux, I apologize if you've answered this previously, but do you have any support from family? Any close friends you can talk to? I hate to think of you going through all of this alone.

[tuxedo cat]

Tux, I apologize if you've answered this previously, but do you have any support from family? Any close friends you can talk to? I hate to think of you going through all of this alone.

 

Don't apologize. I'm actually touched by your concern.

 

To answer your question: not really.

 

I have my mother, who lives far away. We talk on the phone a couple of times a week. She's a very nice woman and she's always been supportive of me but I don't think she really knows how to help. I wish she had done more to help me growing up, when I really needed to be in therapy. The irony is she is a psychologist, but she's the kind of person who does more to help those who aren't close to her than her loved ones. It's strange. I don't fault her for it because I know she doesn't intend to be this way, and that she loves me a great deal. The good thing is I can trust her with anything.

 

I have just one friend in NY. He was my old supervisor and we have a complicated relationship.

 

My ex who I was close to before moving here discarded me as soon as I moved.

 

When I'm not working I spend my days inside my room, which is in a windowless basement. My attempts at connecting with people since moving here have been awkward and sad and have made me want to hide from the world even more.

 

If I had support, it would make all the difference.

Edited January 16, 2015 by tuxedo cat

[tuxedo cat]

One thing I've learned since moving to NY is that true friends are hard to find. I've had a few friends disappear in the last year when I most needed their support. Ironically, it's often the friends who declare their affection the loudest, who turn out to be duds. Just because somebody wants to talk to you every day, doesn't mean they really care about you. Sometimes it just means they are using you as a stop-gap.

[aggie382]

One thing I've learned since moving to NY is that true friends are hard to find. I've had a few friends disappear in the last year when I most needed their support. Ironically, it's often the friends who declare their affection the loudest, who turn out to be duds. Just because somebody wants to talk to you every day, doesn't mean they really care about you. Sometimes it just means they are using you as a stop-gap.

 

Maybe they find you untrustworthy. It does seem you're pretty 'cavalier' about breaking promises.

[tuxedo cat]

Maybe they find you untrustworthy. It does seem you're pretty 'cavalier' about breaking promises.

 

Whoop. I have a stalker.

[aggie382]

Whoop. I have a stalker.

 

No, you have someone who scrolls through the 'new posts' link at the top of the page, and saw this one, and noticed overlapping, troublesome behaviors. I wish you the best in making friends.

[tuxedo cat]

No, you have someone who scrolls through the 'new posts' link at the top of the page, and saw this one, and noticed overlapping, troublesome behaviors. I wish you the best in making friends.

 

Uh huh.....

[BC1980]

Don't apologize. I'm actually touched by your concern.

 

To answer your question: not really.

 

I have my mother, who lives far away. We talk on the phone a couple of times a week. She's a very nice woman and she's always been supportive of me but I don't think she really knows how to help. I wish she had done more to help me growing up, when I really needed to be in therapy. The irony is she is a psychologist, but she's the kind of person who does more to help those who aren't close to her than her loved ones. It's strange. I don't fault her for it because I know she doesn't intend to be this way, and that she loves me a great deal. The good thing is I can trust her with anything.

 

I have just one friend in NY. He was my old supervisor and we have a complicated relationship.

 

My ex who I was close to before moving here discarded me as soon as I moved.

 

When I'm not working I spend my days inside my room, which is in a windowless basement. My attempts at connecting with people since moving here have been awkward and sad and have made me want to hide from the world even more.

 

If I had support, it would make all the difference.

 

It's breaking my heart to read this I had incredible support from family and friends when I went through my breakup, and it was still hard as h*ll. I can't imagine doing it alone. I'm glad you have your mom though, even if it's in a somewhat limited capacity. I had a difficult time with my mom growing up, but I know she would do anything for me. I wish I had more advice to offer. I really do. You're going through an awful lot of stuff, and it's coming all at once. I think getting int therapy will help a lot. Hugs, and we're here for you.

[tuxedo cat]

It's breaking my heart to read this I had incredible support from family and friends when I went through my breakup, and it was still hard as h*ll. I can't imagine doing it alone. I'm glad you have your mom though, even if it's in a somewhat limited capacity. I had a difficult time with my mom growing up, but I know she would do anything for me. I wish I had more advice to offer. I really do. You're going through an awful lot of stuff, and it's coming all at once. I think getting int therapy will help a lot. Hugs, and we're here for you.

 

Thanks, BC.