suicide - why not

[Zapbasket]

One thing I've learned since moving to NY is that true friends are hard to find. I've had a few friends disappear in the last year when I most needed their support. Ironically, it's often the friends who declare their affection the loudest, who turn out to be duds. Just because somebody wants to talk to you every day, doesn't mean they really care about you. Sometimes it just means they are using you as a stop-gap.

 

I assure you, true friends are hard to find no matter where you live or what industry you work in. In fact, I moved FROM NYC (lived in Manhattan) to the west and have had more difficulty finding friends out here than I ever did in NYC. It's just a fact of life that true connections are difficult to come by, though we may be surrounded by people on all sides.

 

Many times over the last year I contemplated suicide, and I wanted to reply to your thread because I wanted to tell you that it IS worth it to hang on; I'm so glad I didn't take my life. And I say that not having made it through to the "other side," where I've solved the difficulties that drove me to such despair. I'm still very much in the thick of it but the fact that I've made even an inch of progress tells me that staying alive is the thing to do. I'm comforted by the knowledge that living the life we want to live is not an entitlement; what IS an entitlement is our ability to strive for what we want out of life, and to choose the attitude and spirit in which we carry out this striving. What has helped me tremendously in recent months has been the very intent-ful practice of gratitude. I stop regularly, look around me, and pick out one thing to be grateful for. For example, my awesome apartment: it's affordable, I have it to myself, it's well-designed and my landlords are awesome. There is always SOMETHING for which we can be grateful. When I lived in NYC, I loved going to Central Park and renting a rowboat at the boathouse and rowing around, watching people and birds and listening to the sounds of nature amidst the distant din of city noise. There is always SOMETHING.

 

For that reason, it's very worthwhile to stay alive. I don't know you, but I have no doubt there are people who love you dearly and would be crushed if you were gone. Each of us fills a necessary space in this life; we have no idea how far our reach really is. My father committed suicide and so much of my life has been defined by the giant hole where his presence should have been. It broke the bonds of our entire family; no one was the same after he died. I would have loved to have had my dad, however imperfect he was.

 

Sorry for rambling so. Please hang in there.

[robaday]

Five years ago I walked into a hospital and asked for help because my emotions were out of control and I felt like killing myself. A lot of people in my life don't know about this. I just couldn't get away from persistent unwanted thoughts (OCD, PSTD, Major depression).

 

My mother came out to visit me shortly after (I had moved to be a long way away) and she broke down in tears at the sight of me, I'd let myself go, was unable to have a conversation, had lost weight, and aged prematurely. It was actually this that made me turn the page, knowing the effect it had on my mother, seeing her hurt because of her concern for me. It gave me a quiet determination to see this mess through, overcome it and fight it.

 

You ask why not. And its a good question because when your in that hole, nothing anyone says will really comfort you...and its a cliche to say it will get better in time......but its true, all these episodes pass. Five years ago I never imagined doing exercise again, never imagined I could be clear headed again, never imagined I could focus at work, or be a productive member of society. Some days I wonder how I got through it.....the honest answer was I realised a lot of it was within my control. I felt powerless over my situation but once I woke up to the fact that I was able to make big changes in my life I began to make them.

 

The key is to not think that everything will happen overnight. It took years for me to really feel happy again after that episode. But being patient with yourself and making small changes every day will honestly bring you through. And when you ask what changes I made - I cut back on spending, I cut back on alcohol and drugs, I smoked less, I did exercise, I found hobbies that didnt involve drinking myself to oblivion, I began eating better and I began volunteering and helping others.......all those things were things I could control and they made all the difference because I was better equipped to deal with the bigger stuff outside my control (breakups, deaths, redundancies, natural disasters).....

 

I'm not gonna tell you what to do, nor know whether you are ready to change (from my experience the old adage about hitting rock bottom is true)....but at some stage I just got sick of feeling like ****....thats what it boils down to and you have within your power a way of changing your lot. That is the beauty of life and us humans, we have within our control all the tools we need to overcome adversity and be different people.....its just a case of realising that

[writergal]

tuxedo cat I had to share this with you because it helped me put my own life into perspective, as I too am feeling rudderless right now with the direction of my life. Yesterday while visiting my mom, I met her neighbor - who happens to be 100 years old!

 

Now, when she told me she was 100, I didn't believe her because she looked like she was in her 80s. She has 7 children and many grandchildren and has outlived her husband, her family member and friends from childhood, yet she exuded a "joie de vivre" that I wish I had for life.

 

I mean she was a chatty cathy and more lucid than half the old people I know! Ha! She told me she teaches exercise still and that all the major morning talk shows have called her to invite her on as a guest, think "Good Morning America" for example. Yet she doesn't want to.

 

Anyway, we chatted for about 15 minutes in the hallway near the mailboxes about life and she gave me some simple life advice that I'll pass on to you. She said to me, "Dearie, you only have one life. You might as well live it the way you want to and not give a sh*t about what others think." Ha! That's a direct quote by the way.

 

She has a lot of sass for a 100 year old great grandmother, I'll say that! Anyway, those industries like another poster said are fickle and the work isn't always steady. Like I told you in your other thread, a gal I know from high school is a casting director in L.A. and she's hung in there despite major challenges and massive egos she's had to deal with, because she loves working in the film industry. If you love the fashion and film industries, and like living in NYC and people continue to contact you to work with them on various projects and fashion week and such, then I think you need to put that all into perspective, instead of looking at your situation through just one lens. You have a lot going for you and everything happens slowly, over time when it comes to building work relationships and social friendships. Nothing happens over night, not success, not happiness, not fulfillment. Try to stay focused in the present, don't get held back by the past, and don't worry about the future. It's the here and now that matters most.