Would you get back with an ex if they been with someone else

[todreaminblue]

no i wouldnt.....its not really a fair thing to ask someone to do....i would feel like second option.....a last resort......a stepping stone that has been stepped back on again......and its not right...i would be their friend and want th ebest for them in another relationship but not with me and thats it......deb

[tikay00]

Haha. It's ok. I'm sorry for calling you rude. /=

 

I would just say he is not a good boyfriend. To any of his GFs. Knowing that he's talked to me behind his new gf's back tells me that my gut feeling about him cheating on me when we were together was spot on. He's certainly not trustworthy as a partner. In the beginning, he's Prince Charming and even when he hurt me, he'd be charming enough to sweep me back off my feet again. It. was. an. insane. RS. Very toxic and codependent and I will do everything in my power to never get involved in that kind of RS with anyone ever again.

 

I don't think my ex is a bad person, I just think he's a very mixed up person (emotionally disturbed in a way) and that he's not good at RSs and needs to be single. He has jumped from girl to girl every since he was 17, he's now 29. I think that's very unhealthy. How will you ever find yourself that way? I did back to back LTRs from like 21-28. But I realized I needed to take time to be single. I was depending on my boyfriends to make me happy. I thought, "as long as I'm in a RS, I'm happy." Wrong-o. I was just covering up and avoiding myself and my own feelings. I was too focused on the guy and how they made me feel.

 

Basically, my ex and I BU back in July of 2013, but still tried to make the RS work, just thought we'd take time apart, so I moved out. Then in Oct I found out he had been seeing someone behind my back and lying about it when I asked (a mutual friend finally confirmed) so I go NC immediately without even confronting him. By the end of Nov he was begging for me back, I say "ok let's take it slow, I need time to trust you again but I'm here, just not ready for official couple status again" well by the first or second week of Jan when I say "ok, I think I may be ready to be an official couple again" all the sudden he tells me "I think there's too much damage between us" and I just had no concern left at that point. So I went NC again. A week later I see that he has moved on. I knew the reason he had a change of heart was because he met someone else again. I just didn't bother confronting him. He wasn't worth the fight to me anymore. And still isn't.

 

I only have myself to blame for the majority of it. After all, I tolerated it and forgave him over and over. I never thought it would be possible for me to love a lover unconditionally. I'm still surprised. Before my ex, I had the kind of confidence that never allowed my pride & self worth to be f'd with. I'm slowly getting my spark back though. It's taken a lot of work but I'm a believer that everything that happens was supposed to happen, for whatever reason and sometimes that really sucks. lol

 

No need to even apologize. Relationships, and especially your own relationship is a touchy subject, and I had no right to say what I said without clarifying with you first. Thanks for the apology though.

 

You see, that's a good mentality. You fully realize how toxic the relationship was, and you learned from it. Break ups, and heart break are such a blessing in disguise, because next time you're not gonna be with a chump like him. You better not! I don't want to have to fly out, and kick some guys ass for you! lol.

 

You are a very very aware person, and I love how you said that. I also don't think people that suck at relationships are inherently bad people, or even selfish or narcissistic people. I think it a lot of the time comes down to the environment they grew up in (parent's relationship), and just how they were raised to handle or mishandle relationships. Don't get me wrong, there are some truly vile people out there in the relationship world, but sometimes you just gotta look at internal factors, and external factors from their childhood.

 

That's a tough pill to swallow, but hey, you're here, and you didn't die right? I bet you smiled at least 20x this week, and didn't have any shooting pains in your heart. You motivate me to keep fighting the good fight for ourselves, and you're an example that everyone gets over the BS of relationships. I'm honored to have met you in this online community. Although, not in the most ideal circumstances .

 

Girl, we are all human! What's there to blame besides the fact that emotions, and your love are REAL. That's actually a beautiful thing!!! Imagine when you meet the man that does EVERYTHING for you. OMFG, you're gonna love him like no one's loved him before, and you guys are gonna have a lovely marriage, and beautiful children. Believe me on this. And you're right, all the crappy things that happen to us, only make us stronger, and make us realize what we want for ourselves, and what type of person we are.

 

Hey, you passed the test of life. You got over a heart break, and now you're on here helping others out. G.I. Jane........

[me85]

No need to even apologize. Relationships, and especially your own relationship is a touchy subject, and I had no right to say what I said without clarifying with you first. Thanks for the apology though.

 

You see, that's a good mentality. You fully realize how toxic the relationship was, and you learned from it. Break ups, and heart break are such a blessing in disguise, because next time you're not gonna be with a chump like him. You better not! I don't want to have to fly out, and kick some guys ass for you! lol.

 

You are a very very aware person, and I love how you said that. I also don't think people that suck at relationships are inherently bad people, or even selfish or narcissistic people. I think it a lot of the time comes down to the environment they grew up in (parent's relationship), and just how they were raised to handle or mishandle relationships. Don't get me wrong, there are some truly vile people out there in the relationship world, but sometimes you just gotta look at internal factors, and external factors from their childhood.

 

That's a tough pill to swallow, but hey, you're here, and you didn't die right? I bet you smiled at least 20x this week, and didn't have any shooting pains in your heart. You motivate me to keep fighting the good fight for ourselves, and you're an example that everyone gets over the BS of relationships. I'm honored to have met you in this online community. Although, not in the most ideal circumstances .

 

Girl, we are all human! What's there to blame besides the fact that emotions, and your love are REAL. That's actually a beautiful thing!!! Imagine when you meet the man that does EVERYTHING for you. OMFG, you're gonna love him like no one's loved him before, and you guys are gonna have a lovely marriage, and beautiful children. Believe me on this. And you're right, all the crappy things that happen to us, only make us stronger, and make us realize what we want for ourselves, and what type of person we are.

 

Hey, you passed the test of life. You got over a heart break, and now you're on here helping others out. G.I. Jane........

 

Wow, you're awesome! Reading this message really made me smile and feel fantastic. Thanks! You're one of the members on here who I think has a good head on their shoulders, though I know my post a few posts back indicated that I wasn't fond of you... I am, that was just a fluke. haha I'm honored to have met you too!

 

You're exactly right. Just because a person sucks at RSs doesn't mean they suck as a person. None of my previous boyfriends grew up with fathers. They were all very close to their mother (so much so that it was a problem for me & I think for any woman really-all women want to be their man's number 1.) They were all sheltered and not as experienced as me in life (even the ones who were older.) So you nailed it. A person's childhood and upbringing have a lot to do with how they are in their RSs. Though I tolerated more than most women would have and although I tried my very best to make those RSs work, it just wasn't meant to last. The loss of my most recent LTR hurt me for a long time but it doesn't hurt anymore. I know it was all a part of my fate. Win or lose. Gotta keep on living.

 

Well, don't worry! You won't have to fly out & kick anybody's @$$ for me (lol) because I haven't dated in over 6 months now. And thank you! Though, I don't know if I want marriage and children like I wanted before. Who knows? Only God. But you're very kind hearted.

 

You're funny! I have gotten over 3 very rough heart breaks ... and yes, I've definitely passed some pretty tough tests of life, so far. It does feel good to be there for people as much as I can. I hope I help. You're also here helping others as well! So GO YOU too!!!!

 

"G.I. Jane" hehe stahp. (=

 

 

Oh, and you know what?? I totally did make it sound like my ex and I were still together in my original post on this thread. I didn't, in fact clarify that we weren't still together. So you were right. That was my bad. I'm an @$$.

Edited December 16, 2014 by me85

[tikay00]

Wow, you're awesome! Reading this message really made me smile and feel fantastic. Thanks! You're one of the members on here who I think has a good head on their shoulders, though I know my post a few posts back indicated that I wasn't fond of you... I am, that was just a fluke. haha I'm honored to have met you too!

 

You're exactly right. Just because a person sucks at RSs doesn't mean they suck as a person. None of my previous boyfriends grew up with fathers. They were all very close to their mother (so much so that it was a problem for me & I think for any woman really-all women want to be their man's number 1.) They were all sheltered and not as experienced as me in life (even the ones who were older.) So you nailed it. A person's childhood and upbringing have a lot to do with how they are in their RSs. Though I tolerated more than most women would have and although I tried my very best to make those RSs work, it just wasn't meant to last. The loss of my most recent LTR hurt me for a long time but it doesn't hurt anymore. I know it was all a part of my fate. Win or lose. Gotta keep on living.

 

Well, don't worry! You won't have to fly out & kick anybody's @$$ for me (lol) because I haven't dated in over 6 months now. And thank you! Though, I don't know if I want marriage and children like I wanted before. Who knows? Only God. But you're very kind hearted.

 

You're funny! I have gotten over 3 very rough heart breaks ... and yes, I've definitely passed some pretty tough tests of life, so far. It does feel good to be there for people as much as I can. I hope I help. You're also here helping others as well! So GO YOU too!!!!

 

"G.I. Jane" hehe stahp. (=

 

 

Oh, and you know what?? I totally did make it sound like my ex and I were still together in my original post on this thread. I didn't, in fact clarify that we weren't still together. So you were right. That was my bad. I'm an @$$.

 

No, you're not an ass. I did get a bit defensive from you challenging my stance on the topic, I must admit. That's something I do need to change about myself, and I'm trying every day. Ya see, another thing that breakups benefit us with......internal growth. Also, I can be a bit passive aggresive at times. Something that always gets me in trouble in relationships. Lord help me .

 

And stop being so nice. I suck at receiving compliments. *blushes*

[darser]

hmmm most likely i would, right now my ex broke up with me for almost a month now, and even tho things sucked and i'm still hurted, heck, i'm way too young to say "i will never love her again" in 3 years i will be a total different person for the fact that...well, i'm studying to become a physician and in 3 years i'll be a better person on my own, and who knows? if i don't see her for 3 years and we both have grown up in that time spawn, then things will be different and we will have different ambitions, but like they said somewhere i read a few weeks ago

 

If at any point there was love, it can be rekindled again, but you gotta work on yourself first and become a better person.

[hotpotato]

Never have, never will. Dating me is a one shot deal.

[hotpotato]

hmmm most likely i would, right now my ex broke up with me for almost a month now, and even tho things sucked and i'm still hurted, heck, i'm way too young to say "i will never love her again" in 3 years i will be a total different person for the fact that...well, i'm studying to become a physician and in 3 years i'll be a better person on my own, and who knows? if i don't see her for 3 years and we both have grown up in that time spawn, then things will be different and we will have different ambitions, but like they said somewhere i read a few weeks ago

 

If at any point there was love, it can be rekindled again, but you gotta work on yourself first and become a better person.

 

Usually , when they come back, the dumpee has moved on.

[darser]

Usually , when they come back, the dumpee has moved on.

 

And that's normal? if you can't move on, it won't work when you go back, cause in the end the reason why you broke up will still be there for the dumpee and it will just be growing in a sick ugly thing, instead you must move on, sure if you want to be with that person in a future, then don't stick to the idea of "it will be as before" no, stahp, don't do that, it will be a way different thing if you actually worked on yourself and became a better person on your own, i still love my ex, but i know that if i don't work with myself and my insecurities it won't work, fix yourself and become a secure self-loved person and make it work, don't try, make it, to try is not to give your 100%, don't try, do it or don't.

[Zing]

Sure, why not? It was at least partially if not largely my fault she left. Co-dependency isn't attractive as much as I wish it was. I've grown since then, understand women a bit more and I still think shes great. As for sex etc, she was with people before me, so what makes it different now?

[hotpotato]

And that's normal? if you can't move on, it won't work when you go back, cause in the end the reason why you broke up will still be there for the dumpee and it will just be growing in a sick ugly thing, instead you must move on, sure if you want to be with that person in a future, then don't stick to the idea of "it will be as before" no, stahp, don't do that, it will be a way different thing if you actually worked on yourself and became a better person on your own, i still love my ex, but i know that if i don't work with myself and my insecurities it won't work, fix yourself and become a secure self-loved person and make it work, don't try, make it, to try is not to give your 100%, don't try, do it or don't.

 

Oftentimes it wont work because you have moved on.

 

If you have moved on

 

you no longer see that person through rose colored lenses

you are doingjust fine without them

you are probably dating or courting someone else.

 

In short, you probably wont want them by the time most dumpers come around (that is, if they ever do). Also, do you really want to date someone who wants you bc the person they left for doesnt want them? Or they figured out they jumped the gun and are now having the same issues with the new squeeze. Does that turn you on?

 

I believe some dumpers think dumpees are acquiescent doormats. The dumpee is easy and convenient. Dumper believes on some level the door will always stay open because dumpee loves them so much.

Lets face it. A lot of dumpers arent working on themselves like many of the dumpees on ls. The dumpers are dating. They probably dumped the otger person so they could jump to someone else.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Hmm...I'm not sure I fully understand your initial post so here is what I have to say about it;

 

Scenario 1 - If my husband/boyfriend met someone else WHILE in a relationship with me and then decided to leave me for that person but realized it was a mistake asking me to take him back, that's a "Hell NO!" from me. No thank you.

 

Scenario 2 - If we broke up for other reasons and THEN he started dating someone else after me but realized he was still in love with me and wanted me to take him back, provided I still had feelings for him, I would consider it. I don't see that as an issue at all.

 

Although I agree with Ducktape in that everyone makes mistakes and some people even come to regret those mistakes, there are just some things I personally can't go back on. Infidelity is a big one for me.

 

Having said that, if my ex broke my heart by leaving me for someone else (regardless if he physically cheated on me) but was sincere in his apology and atoned for his indiscretion I could and would find it in my heart to forgive him.

 

Forgiveness is one thing but forgetting is another. I know myself well enough to know that I would never be able to forget the pain he caused me and that alone would stop me from allowing him back into my life the same way.

Edited December 18, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[darser]

Oftentimes it wont work because you have moved on.

 

If you have moved on

 

you no longer see that person through rose colored lenses

you are doingjust fine without them

you are probably dating or courting someone else.

 

In short, you probably wont want them by the time most dumpers come around (that is, if they ever do). Also, do you really want to date someone who wants you bc the person they left for doesnt want them? Or they figured out they jumped the gun and are now having the same issues with the new squeeze. Does that turn you on?

 

I believe some dumpers think dumpees are acquiescent doormats. The dumpee is easy and convenient. Dumper believes on some level the door will always stay open because dumpee loves them so much.

Lets face it. A lot of dumpers arent working on themselves like many of the dumpees on ls. The dumpers are dating. They probably dumped the otger person so they could jump to someone else.

 

true on that, and you are right that most don't work on themselves, but i'm 19yo and my ex is 17yo, i'm on another state right now studying my career and won't be back for atleast 3 years, that the reason why i'm saying things can change, i'll be finishing my career and going back there.

I'm working on myself right now, and i wouldn't mind that she has experience with someone else..we are humans, we make mistakes, both of us did and in the end, by the distance it wouldn't work out...and it hurts me to admit it, and i'm the dumpee, so i think i get what you are trying to say, but atleast i wanna give em another chance cause well, it's a new mentality you get after growing up 3 years and after a 5 years relationship.

 

And yea, most of my friends told me to work on myself and date and live thsi next 3 years, to be happy with life and lovemyself overall, cause there are plenty of fish in the sea, but yea...sometimes you know you found the right person, but in the wrong age, maybe when we are older something will happen again.

[dumbass2]

Oftentimes it wont work because you have moved on.

 

If you have moved on

 

you no longer see that person through rose colored lenses

you are doingjust fine without them

you are probably dating or courting someone else.

 

In short, you probably wont want them by the time most dumpers come around (that is, if they ever do). Also, do you really want to date someone who wants you bc the person they left for doesnt want them? Or they figured out they jumped the gun and are now having the same issues with the new squeeze. Does that turn you on?

 

I believe some dumpers think dumpees are acquiescent doormats. The dumpee is easy and convenient. Dumper believes on some level the door will always stay open because dumpee loves them so much.

Lets face it. A lot of dumpers arent working on themselves like many of the dumpees on ls. The dumpers are dating. They probably dumped the otger person so they could jump to someone else.

 

I definitely see this. Dumpees always seem to feel that they did something wrong and need to improve themselves and really do a lot of self awareness. The dumper feels there is nothing they need to work on and improve and just keeping going on same as always. My ex contacted me after I shut it off for 3 months and she sees I am not the same guy she broke up (I am the same guy she saw the first 3 months of the relationship) She can sense that she's not a big deal to me anymore and I don't need to have her in my life. I thank for her for not trying to contact me for those 3 months. It did wonders for me.

[Ducktape]

Hmm...I'm not sure I fully understand your initial post so here is what I have to say about it;

 

Scenario 1 - If my husband/boyfriend met someone else WHILE in a relationship with me and then decided to leave me for that person but realized it was a mistake asking me to take him back, that's a "Hell NO!" from me. No thank you.

 

Scenario 2 - If we broke up for other reasons and THEN he started dating someone else after me but realized he was still in love with me and wanted me to take him back, provided I still had feelings for him, I would consider it. I don't see that as an issue at all.

 

Although I agree with Ducktape in that everyone makes mistakes and some people even come to regret those mistakes, there are just some things I personally can't go back on. Infidelity is a big one for me.

 

Having said that, if my ex broke my heart by leaving me for someone else (regardless if he physically cheated on me) but was sincere in his apology and atoned for his indiscretion I could and would find it in my heart to forgive him.

 

Forgiveness is one thing but forgetting is another. I know myself well enough to know that I would never be able to forget the pain he caused me and that alone would stop me from allowing him back into my life the same way.

The way I saw it, is that they broke up, and then the other person started dating someone else. I'd never want a cheater back!

[erklat]

 

you no longer see that person through rose colored lenses

you are doingjust fine without them

you are probably dating or courting someone else.

 

you grew to hate them also.

[darser]

you grew to hate them also.

 

From personal view, if you grew to hate your ex (without a good actual reason, ex. cheating) then you should actual start thinking why you hate 'em, because that not normal, sure they broke your heart, yea it sucks, yea i'm there right now sucking it, but i don't hate my ex, sure she told me that she stopped loving me and she tried but couldn't but i'm not gonna hate her, it just means you liked em, that you had expectations; if you love, you can give your all, without expecting things back, don't get me wrong, i'm a still broken right now, but i'm coping with it, but i actually do care for my ex and in the end i'll still try in a future, like 2-3 years to see if something can come out once again, but not continuing the last relationship, but start something anew with em, and like Bil keane said,"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present"

[me85]

No, you're not an ass. I did get a bit defensive from you challenging my stance on the topic, I must admit. That's something I do need to change about myself, and I'm trying every day. Ya see, another thing that breakups benefit us with......internal growth. Also, I can be a bit passive aggresive at times. Something that always gets me in trouble in relationships. Lord help me .

 

And stop being so nice. I suck at receiving compliments. *blushes*

 

Oh, you're not so bad. (; Don't be so hard on yourself.

 

Well what can I say? I'm a nice girl. And a hard headed one too! You can't tell me what to do or not to do! (o=

[MrWhite]

Because I contributed to her leaving me for someone else... yes I would take her back or get back together with her. But only after enough time had passed in order to give us the opportunity to change our circumstances so that we could start somewhat fresh.

 

In addition to what LostInLosingLove posted: What if the dumpee was the root cause for the dumper to run off with another person?

Examples:

Relationship stalled, dumpee no longer trying in the relationship.

Committed a crime.

Decides to travel excessively.

Over time, spending more and more time with friends than with SO.

Long time dating without ever discussing marriage or outright dismisses marriage.

Radically changes lifestyle.

Drugs.

Edited December 19, 2014 by MrWhite