Divorce is final, mixed feelings

[tippydog90]

My divorce was final in mid-November. I have so many mixed feelings; relief, anger, sadness, heartache - back and forth constantly to the point it drives me crazy. My ex was emotionally abusive, particularly the last two years. Not the yelling and screaming abuse, but the cruel, cruel words and actions. Telling me he never loved me at all and just married me to get out of his living situation, constantly berating me for our move to the town we lived in, you name it. There were also attempts to cheat during our marriage, whether they were successful or not I will never know. He just caused me immeasurable pain. We also have a three year old daughter and it seems like it was so easy for him to just walk away from her. I honestly believe he is narcissistic, if that even matters now. He only thought of himself, and continued to do that throughout the divorce.

 

So I pretty much got full custody, with him getting limited visitation (no argument on his end). He works on the road and it has now been two months since he has seen her. Here is my dilemma.... he will be back in town for about 6 days on the 22nd. She will spend a few days with him, come back to me for Christmas, then go back with him a few more days. Part of me wants to invite him over for Christmas so he can see her open her presents that morning. And part of me just feels sick at the thought of seeing him under any circumstance, though that is unavoidable. I have always been a very giving, loving person and part of me feels sorry for him because he has no one here at all to share Christmas with. And part of me wonders why in the heck I should feel sorry for him at all after the devastation he has caused in our lives and his selfishness. I guess I am considering trying to be the bigger person here and put my feelings aside so he can share a few hours with his little girl when she opens presents. I just do not know what to do. This is a man that has shattered my trust, humiliated me, caused me so much heartache and pain and here I am thinking of trying to set all this aside for a few hours.

 

I am still just feeling so much pain. And in spite of the fact he ditched us for his "freedom" the man has sounded absolutely miserable the last few times I have talked to him and as bad as it sounds, I get a great deal of satisfaction right now from that. I think he realizes what he has done and all he has lost. But I now know this was absolutely for the best. He is just a really, really mixed up man that is incapable of love, compassion, empathy or truly caring about anyone but himself.

 

Advice please?

[No Limit]

Chances are the moment you give him a chance to do so he will quickly turn your good-natured "shared Christmas" into a ruined Christmas tainted by animosity. I don't know why you'd want to risk it. Him watching her open her gifts? If he's even worthy of the title "father", he has one or more presents for his daughter and will be delighted when he watches her open those.

 

So unless he knocks at your door on Christmas Eve and says "I have some more presents for her, merry Christmas to you both" I think you should keep him out.

[justaplottwist]

I'm right there with you, if that helps.

 

I struggle between my empathetic self and my "self-preservation" self on a daily basis. Part of why I tolerated a lot of the emotional abuse that I did was because I could look past the behavior and know there was a hurting

 

You sound like a very caring person. So it will take a LOT more effort to take care of yourself in this and you will probably have to pause more before taking action, to make sure you are taking care of yourself in each interaction.

 

 

All you have to be is civil. That's it. You owe him NO more than that. I read a great line somewhere (maybe this forum) to treat your ex like a grocery clerk treats you. Civil. Polite. But no emotional investment.

 

And the fact that he sounds miserable is now is his burden to bear. You have you and your daughter to think of FIRST now.

 

I understand the pain....it's horrible and confusing. Especially when it is emotional abuse....there's a LOT to untangle in your mind.

 

****Okay....I reread your post and see that he has her for some of those days. You don't owe him "Christmas morning". He can celebrate Christmas when he is with her. I will not have my son Christmas morning for the first time. I have arranged this so he could spend the eve and morning with his dad. It was not an easy decision to make. His father asked if I wanted to come over on Christmas morning. .......No. His father wanted to know if it would be good for him to come over with the son on Christmas morning.....No. Not easy decision....but healthy for me and a less confusing time for my son. I will not be acting like a big, happy family anymore. I think I shocked his dad with those decisions....which probably meant I was doing something mentally healthy for a change*****

Edited December 14, 2014 by justaplottwist

[jakrbbt]

I say, unless he is kind of an unhinged person who creates drama, then have him over if you want to and open presents together. But do NOT do it because you're expecting to miraculously "save" him or even save his Christmas feelings. Do it instead because you want your little girl to have time with both her parents together, if that time can be spent reasonably drama-free. And because it is worth it to attempt a post-divorce "relationship" where you two learn to get along together in a cordial way, where it's all about your daughter and none of it is about your past relationship.

 

Can you do that? Can he? If not, it's understandable. But if so, then I say go ahead, there's nothing wrong with it.

 

And as a side note, if your dealings start out frequent and friendly, they'll probably fade into a more separate, but pleasant, co-parenting experience as you each develop your own lives. In other words, he's not going to have to be hanging around in ten years just because you're trying to be friends in the transition phase now.

 

You don't have to worry about what he does or doesn't deserve. You do not have to dole out little punishments or correct his behavior or show him he was wrong. Nor do you have to adjust your own behavior to his liking. All that is over now. You divorced him. If you want to have a friendly holiday evening opening presents with your daughter and her daddy, then do that--for you and for her, not just for him. Again, if you think it can stay drama-free, then I actually think that it will make you feel better and more calm about the future. Plenty of abusive spouses actually make pretty good friends, when you're not in a romantic relationship with them.

 

The easy part-- maybe it will feel too easy-- is that you don't have to reward him or punish him for the past. You don't even do anything based on how he might respond. You have no romantic relationship with this guy. This is about your daughter now, and about how you would like to restructure your post-divorce manner of dealing with each other. It sounds like you'd like it to be friendly and hopeful for all parties, and it probably can be, even if he was a jerk of a husband.

 

Also, your daughter might feel a lot more comfortable spending time with him if she spends time with both of you together. Consider that as a factor when you're deciding. Only you know the ins and outs of your situation, but the above are some factors I'd consider.

Edited December 15, 2014 by jakrbbt