Rebound???

[Perplexed]

I was wondering if anyone has advice for the following. Sorry for the long message.

 

I known this person for about ten years. We are/were friends, not close. We talked and went out together as a group(Over the past several years we drifted apart as friends). Also we dated a few times but it never worked out. She dated/was married to this guy for six years. Last fall they seperated after she found out he was having an affair.

 

Anyway about four months after her seperation we started dating agian.. We dated for several months and everything went fine. Spent a lot of time with her and her two kids.Towards the end I started to get mixed messages so I had to drag out what was bothering her. She said things went to fast, I have a lot to deal with, I wanted more out of it than she could handle, basically what did I want from her. I told her she was confusing me and did she want to end it. She got upset and asked why did it have to end!?!?. Again I said I was confused and she said so was I. I tried calling her a week later but she wouldn't return my phone calls.

 

I went to see her one night several weeks later and asked her why she wouldn't return my phone calls. All I could get out of her was I'm still confused, I can't be in a relationship right now, I'm worried about custody issues. I kept getting mixed messages from her again at that point.

 

Well that was two months ago. Neither of us have tried contacting each other since. Question is do I even bother trying or just let it go. I admit I'm still confused for what ever reason and I do miss her. The other thing is I feel she used me and at the end I received no explanation or lets be friends speech. I just looking for closure on the whole thing, and why she picked me to do this to.

 

Thanks

[Smiley]

Hello Pal -

 

I have been exactly where you are right now, except the circumstances were actually worse for me for several reasons I won't go into.

 

Let me tell you this for certain. From what I've read, and from my own experience, you should definitely move on. Realize that you will most likely never get the closure you seek from her no matter what you try. You will have to supply it yourself.

 

It doesn't sound like the two of you are even talking right now, so just do whatever it takes to move on. You will never fully understand why she did that to you. You have to find a way to accept that some sentences will always be incomplete. Trust me on this one, I have been there.

 

Yes, it certainly does sound like it was a rebound relationship for her. It fits the pattern exactly. She likely doesn't really understand what happened and will definitely downplay its affects on you in her mind. Don't bother letting her know how hurt you are, she will just see it as you trying to make her feel guilty and pressuring her.

 

Unfortunately, that's one of the hallmarks of the classic rebound relationship. The person who was rebounded off of has absolutely no idea why it didn't work. If I can give any advice directly from my own personal experience, it would be: don't waste your time trying to figure this one out. It can't be done. You will only make yourself sick. Move on, move on, move on. Let her take care of herself and you just focus on you. Easier said than done at times, but you must do it. After enough time has passed, you will find peace again.

 

Hang in there.

I was wondering if anyone has advice for the following. Sorry for the long message. I known this person for about ten years. We are/were friends, not close. We talked and went out together as a group(Over the past several years we drifted apart as friends). Also we dated a few times but it never worked out. She dated/was married to this guy for six years. Last fall they seperated after she found out he was having an affair. Anyway about four months after her seperation we started dating agian.. We dated for several months and everything went fine. Spent a lot of time with her and her two kids.Towards the end I started to get mixed messages so I had to drag out what was bothering her. She said things went to fast, I have a lot to deal with, I wanted more out of it than she could handle, basically what did I want from her. I told her she was confusing me and did she want to end it. She got upset and asked why did it have to end!?!?. Again I said I was confused and she said so was I. I tried calling her a week later but she wouldn't return my phone calls. I went to see her one night several weeks later and asked her why she wouldn't return my phone calls. All I could get out of her was I'm still confused, I can't be in a relationship right now, I'm worried about custody issues. I kept getting mixed messages from her again at that point. Well that was two months ago. Neither of us have tried contacting each other since. Question is do I even bother trying or just let it go. I admit I'm still confused for what ever reason and I do miss her. The other thing is I feel she used me and at the end I received no explanation or lets be friends speech. I just looking for closure on the whole thing, and why she picked me to do this to. Thanks

[Perplexed]

Thanks for the reply Smiley.

 

I agree I will never get the answers to the questions I have. Even if we did try to talk and she was 100% honest I wouldn't believe her.

 

There are days I sit and ask what was this all about? What made her decide to call me several years later? To say I'm confused is putting it midly, I never been through something this bad. I guess with her not being divorced yet should have been a sign of playing with fire. I won't go into details but she messed with my head very bad.

 

I figure she was no sort of friend, otherwise this wouldn't have happened. I keep telling myself it doesn't bother her and she doesn't care but it doesn't work. It should, you can't have feelings for someone that uses people.

 

I'm going to send a letter that pretty much goes over the whole relationship and has lots of questions. I don't care if she feels guilt or pressure, I have no intention of ever talking to her again. Its just for closure and I don't want her to ever think that she can be in my life any sort of way.