I found a poem that he wrote about me

[Sunbathe]

I'm a dumbass and I stumbled upon a poem he wrote about me a little over a month ago. I don't even know how to process this. It's no secret I've been struggling with this breakup over the past 6 months, and I feel stagnant in recovering from it. I don't know how to move on. I've tried. I haven't talked to him since the day he moved out of our apartment back in May.

 

Through mutual friends, I know he wants to talk to me. I know he wants to make peace. He's waiting on me to call the shots and decide when I feel comfortable meeting up with him. This is not a meet up to reconcile the relationship. This is a meet up with the intention of reflecting on our relationship with the perspective of being apart from each other for half a year.

 

I want to talk to him. I need to talk to him. I feel like I may need this to understand, to be able to eventually move on. But I am scared. I am terrified of talking to him. Of breaking down in front of him. Of seeing how wonderful he is doing without me.

 

What do I do?

I need this, but I'm afraid.

[HurtGator]

Don't waste your time trying to meet up with him.

[BC1980]

I'm a dumbass and I stumbled upon a poem he wrote about me a little over a month ago. I don't even know how to process this. It's no secret I've been struggling with this breakup over the past 6 months, and I feel stagnant in recovering from it. I don't know how to move on. I've tried. I haven't talked to him since the day he moved out of our apartment back in May.

 

Through mutual friends, I know he wants to talk to me. I know he wants to make peace. He's waiting on me to call the shots and decide when I feel comfortable meeting up with him. This is not a meet up to reconcile the relationship. This is a meet up with the intention of reflecting on our relationship with the perspective of being apart from each other for half a year.

 

I want to talk to him. I need to talk to him. I feel like I may need this to understand, to be able to eventually move on. But I am scared. I am terrified of talking to him. Of breaking down in front of him. Of seeing how wonderful he is doing without me.

 

What do I do?

I need this, but I'm afraid.

 

Why do you need to meet up with him? If I had a nickel for every person who has come on LS and said that they needed a meet up with an ex to understand and be able to move on. . . . And then if I had a nickel for every person who has met up with an ex and said it was a bad idea. . . .

 

There's nothing he can do that will explain any the breakup to you. I think it would absolute torture to see him. Honestly, I've been there and had the meet up. It was terrible quite frankly, and I left more confused. It seems like he wants this meet for his own reasons, which are to relieve his guilt. He doesn't want you to think badly of him, and he doesn't want to be on bad terms. Those needs serve his purpose, not yours. Breakups are messy. People are left hurt and brokenhearted. There is nothing you can do to "make peace." You don't have to hate him and wish him bad, but you aren't require to meet up with him to get back on good terms. This is an ex. Not a former friend.

Edited December 14, 2014 by BC1980

[Itspointless]

Through mutual friends, I know he wants to talk to me. I know he wants to make peace. He's waiting on me to call the shots and decide when I feel comfortable meeting up with him. This is not a meet up to reconcile the relationship.

I agree with BC1980. As you have lived together he already has had his chance to talk to you. It is not your job to make him feel comfortable about him breaking with you and make you insecure again.

 

Why do you say you need it, is there still hope left within your body?

[JDPT]

Save yourself future grief and keep moving forward. You are already ahead believe it or not. This was only a minor setback focus on the outcome that you'll like to accomplish and the fundamental lesson that this experience renders.

[Sunbathe]

Why do you need to meet up with him? If I had a nickel for every person who has come on LS and said that they needed a meet up with an ex to understand and be able to move on. . . . And then if I had a nickel for every person who has met up with an ex and said it was a bad idea. . . .

 

There's nothing he can do that will explain any the breakup to you. I think it would absolute torture to see him. Honestly, I've been there and had the meet up. It was terrible quite frankly, and I left more confused. It seems like he wants this meet for his own reasons, which are to relieve his guilt. He doesn't want you to think badly of him, and he doesn't want to be on bad terms. Those needs serve his purpose, not yours. Breakups are messy. People are left hurt and brokenhearted. There is nothing you can do to "make peace." You don't have to hate him and wish him bad, but you aren't require to meet up with him to get back on good terms. This is an ex. Not a former friend.

 

I have a lot of unanswered questions that I believe he can answer for me. I think him feeling guilt may play into it a little bit, but he is not an inherently selfish person so I don't think that is completely accurate. To be honest with you, I feel a lot of guilt too, over things that I had done that I think contributed to our demise. And I do kind of want to hear his perspective on that. We aren't really on bad terms... we're not on any terms at all. But our breakup, as painful as it was, happened civilly. He cried harder than I had ever seen him before, the day that he moved out of our apartment.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience. I have heard so many horror stories about meeting up with an ex, and that is what has me so conflicted.

[Sunbathe]

I agree with BC1980. As you have lived together he already has had his chance to talk to you. It is not your job to make him feel comfortable about him breaking with you and make you insecure again.

 

Why do you say you need it, is there still hope left within your body?

 

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have an inkling of hope. But I know how completely unrealistic that is.

 

I don't know. Everybody here is so quick to suggest no future contact with an ex post-breakup. And I definitely understand the utility of that. But I'm not so sure that's the right direction for everybody. It's confusing, because everybody here suggests leaving the idea behind and moving forth. Yet on the other hand, friends and family think talking with him may help me to move on. I know there's always a chance I will regret meeting up with him. But I'll probably regret not doing so either. If there's regret either way, how do you know which regret to choose?

 

There's no easy decision here. I definitely won't be making a rash decision though. IF I decide to go down that road and talk to him, it will only be after careful thought.

[lil hoodlum]

I'd be lying if I said I didn't have an inkling of hope. But I know how completely unrealistic that is.

 

I don't know. Everybody here is so quick to suggest no future contact with an ex post-breakup. And I definitely understand the utility of that. But I'm not so sure that's the right direction for everybody. It's confusing, because everybody here suggests leaving the idea behind and moving forth. Yet on the other hand, friends and family think talking with him may help me to move on. I know there's always a chance I will regret meeting up with him. But I'll probably regret not doing so either. If there's regret either way, how do you know which regret to choose?

 

There's no easy decision here. I definitely won't be making a rash decision though. IF I decide to go down that road and talk to him, it will only be after careful thought.

 

 

Sometimes you do what you feel you have to do.

 

We all have been in your shoes at some point or another. It is ok.

 

Many of the posters have learned things the hard way, as have most of humankind.

 

If you meet up with him and things don't work out as you would have hoped, at least you know you tried and you can walk away peacefully.

[LostInLosingLove]

Worst case scenario; you lose all hope and have to relive all of the pain from the failed relationship.

 

You've already felt all that pain and know you can overcome it, albeit at a somewhat moderate pace. Losing all hope and being able to finally move on for good is it's own blessing in disguise.

[Sunbathe]

If I decide to go through with meeting up to talk, how would I go about initiating it? Is a text that says "I heard from *insert mutual friend's name here* that you wanted to talk" appropriate to kickstart the conversation? I want to try to be as pragmatic as possible, and not wear my heart on my sleeve like I usually tend to do.

[Itspointless]

It seems a bit off that you have to initiate, as it was him who wanted to talk with you. Tell your friends that if he wants to talk he can contact you, than he has to make an offer you can't refuse If he doesn't you can call him on it.

[Sunbathe]

It seems a bit off that you have to initiate, as it was him who wanted to talk with you. Tell your friends that if he wants to talk he can contact you, than he has to make an offer you can't refuse If he doesn't you can call him on it.

 

To be fair, he tried to initiate contact via text back in September. He wanted to meet up and talk, but I told him that I had no interest in being friendly with him for the foreseeable future. And that was that. He hasnt contacted since then. The ball is in my court now, I think.

[jacksonbrown33]

I'm a dumbass and I stumbled upon a poem he wrote about me a little over a month ago. I don't even know how to process this. It's no secret I've been struggling with this breakup over the past 6 months, and I feel stagnant in recovering from it. I don't know how to move on. I've tried. I haven't talked to him since the day he moved out of our apartment back in May.

 

Through mutual friends, I know he wants to talk to me. I know he wants to make peace. He's waiting on me to call the shots and decide when I feel comfortable meeting up with him. This is not a meet up to reconcile the relationship. This is a meet up with the intention of reflecting on our relationship with the perspective of being apart from each other for half a year.

 

I want to talk to him. I need to talk to him. I feel like I may need this to understand, to be able to eventually move on. But I am scared. I am terrified of talking to him. Of breaking down in front of him. Of seeing how wonderful he is doing without me.

 

What do I do?

I need this, but I'm afraid.

 

As the dumpee, there were probably three occasions since the breakup that could have allowed me to meetup with my EX. They were all times where she was in need of help and or advice and wanted to talk to me. I wanted to do it each time, but for whatever reason (probably God), a face-to-face interaction never happened. I think it probably was best that this happened, because it would have simply slowed my already grueling slow grieving process.

 

If you care about the person you were in a relationship with (assuming you are the dumper), you would take a step back, attempt to control your emotions and slowly let him go so that he can move on.

[BC1980]

To be fair, he tried to initiate contact via text back in September. He wanted to meet up and talk, but I told him that I had no interest in being friendly with him for the foreseeable future. And that was that. He hasnt contacted since then. The ball is in my court now, I think.

 

I agree that the ball is in your court. Before you decide to initiate contact, I think it might be helpful to write out exactly what you want to talk to him about and why. What do you realistically expect to gain from this meeting? I don't recommend the meeting, but, if you do decide to go through with it, at least be prepared.

[BC1980]

Something else to consider. What if you hadn't found the poem? Would you still be contemplating contact? Maybe the poem is just a trigger that made you remember happier times. I know that there have been times when a memory has brought me back to happier times, but I had to snap myself back into reality.

[LostInLosingLove]

If I decide to go through with meeting up to talk, how would I go about initiating it? Is a text that says "I heard from *insert mutual friend's name here* that you wanted to talk" appropriate to kickstart the conversation? I want to try to be as pragmatic as possible, and not wear my heart on my sleeve like I usually tend to do.

 

It seems as if you've always had an intention of meeting up with him so I would probably take BC1980's advice and really (re)evaluate your reasons as to whether or not it's necessary. Don't do it if it's only because you feel the need to. That's probably just your chemical high from over thinking everything.

 

If in the end you still would like to go through with it, don't be the one to initiate(imho). Don't send a text like that. Let it travel down the grapevine of your mutual friends that "you're doing better with the whole ordeal and wouldn't mind catching up with him". If/when he does contact you, you can play it as cool or warm as you like.

 

Of course if you don't want to be so manipulative, just text him and say something like "hey, want to get together and catch up?"

[Sunbathe]

@jacksonbrown33: I'm not the dumper, I am the dumpee. Although, this probably doesn't really change your advice. Thanks for writing

 

@BC1980: If I do decide to meet up with him, I will definitely prepare for the meeting with a list of things I want to discuss. If I hadn't found the poem, I would probably still be contemplating contacting him. There have been several times over the past couple of months where I had typed out a text to send him, but then anxiously decided against it at the last minute. I think maybe this poem is just the catalyst that is pushing me to actually contact him. Still, I'm not sure if that is the right decision for me. School just ended for winter break, so it would probably be best if I think on it and wait a month until spring semester begins to reach out to him.

 

@lostinlosinglove: Thanks for the advice. I definitely do need to think about whether or not it's truly necessary. I guess I could casually let our mutual friend know that I am interesting in meeting, and wait for the news to travel to him. That way I can see if he is truly sincere about meeting up. If he is sincere, he will reach out again. If not - well then I have my answer. But on the other hand, I do not like to play games and be manipulative. I'm not sure a passive approach is the best way to handle this. Wouldn't it be more mature to be direct?

[JDPT]

This can't be good.

[LostInLosingLove]

Wouldn't it be more mature to be direct?

 

Yes, but that might make you more vulnerable depending where you really are with things.

 

Maybe manipulative was the wrong word in this situation. If you're on the fence about everything and happen to mention casually to your mutual friend that you 'might' be interested in reconnecting, that's not really a lie. If they happen to mention it to him, it's not really in your hands. Is it passive aggressive or is it just a truthful conversation? Some say potato some say potahto.

 

In any case I think you have permission to do whichever makes you feel more comfortable and in control of the overall situation. It doesn't sound like either of you are being manipulative to hurt the other.

[Sunbathe]

This can't be good.

 

I haven't decided if I'm going through with it yet or not. Why do you think it will end badly?

[Sunbathe]

So I did end up deciding to reach out to him. I've been going back and forth in my head for 4 or 5 days but finally just decided f it and sent the text. He replied right away. We are meeting up sometime on Monday or Tuesday. I'm super nervous and am feeling anxious already! I know I may end up regretting this, but I would regret it more if I never took this opportunity. It may be a mistake, but it's a mistake I have to make on my own. Thanks everybody for your advice on the situation!

[JDPT]

I think you have to reach a point where you truly and honestly start to look out for you and no one else. We fail to realize that the second our exes walk out of our lives is when we should start to fend for ourselves, there is no more "us". We all want answers, we all need to make sense out of this nightmare, we all need to come to terms, we all need the pain to subside. However, in order for you to accomplish any of these you must realize that you can only do these on your own and understand that no one can give you the piece of mind that you are looking for. This will make sense in time, I'm confident that it will. In the meantime, brace yourself and if possibly call this meeting off. I tell you because I've been in your shoes, as well as many others in this site seeking help and advice. Save yourself future grief, and focus on the only person that actually matters which is you.

[BC1980]

So I did end up deciding to reach out to him. I've been going back and forth in my head for 4 or 5 days but finally just decided f it and sent the text. He replied right away. We are meeting up sometime on Monday or Tuesday. I'm super nervous and am feeling anxious already! I know I may end up regretting this, but I would regret it more if I never took this opportunity. It may be a mistake, but it's a mistake I have to make on my own. Thanks everybody for your advice on the situation!

 

Do you know what you will talk about yet? What are your goals for the meeting?

[darkmoon]

do not just think you must do what is expected, do not be his poodle or his victim, take this carefully

[Simon Phoenix]

I haven't decided if I'm going through with it yet or not. Why do you think it will end badly?

 

Because it always ends badly. You'll be looking to get answers to questions, but you won't get those answers because either a) he doesn't know them completely himself b) because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings or c) because he doesn't want to revisit the drama of that situation. If you do get answers, they'll almost certainly spawn even more questions.

 

But for argument's sake, let's pretend that this guy actually gives you concrete answers. What would you actually do with them? You're still broken up. Are you really going to try to use those answers to debate, argue, or manipulate him to giving you a second chance? That doesn't work, nor would you want it to work. So what's the point of getting the answers? What's done is done. Instead of trying to grasp from closure, close things out yourself. Accept that things are over and accept the reality of the situation. All meetings like this do is to delay reality -- which is probably why you want to go through with it in the first place.

 

Cliffs: It's a crappy idea.