I found a poem that he wrote about me

[Simon Phoenix]

So I did end up deciding to reach out to him. I've been going back and forth in my head for 4 or 5 days but finally just decided f it and sent the text. He replied right away. We are meeting up sometime on Monday or Tuesday. I'm super nervous and am feeling anxious already! I know I may end up regretting this, but I would regret it more if I never took this opportunity. It may be a mistake, but it's a mistake I have to make on my own. Thanks everybody for your advice on the situation!

 

And the car crash is in motion.

[JDPT]

Again, this can't be good.

Brace yourself for a rough landing.

[Sunbathe]

@BC1980: I think we are more or less just "catching up". I do have a few things I want to discuss regarding what had happened between us, but I'm not going to bring them up unless the conversation flows in that direction. My goals? To be able to put this behind me for good. I waiver between feeling really guilty over mistakes I had made, to feeling very angry/resentful at him over his mistakes. I think I've been demonizing him in my head for so long, but I want to be able to move beyond the anger. I'm hoping to come out of this feeling more neutral toward him.

 

@Simon_Phoenix: No, I am not going to try to manipulate him back into a relationship with me. I fully understand that he chose to separate and that he does not wish to be in a relationship with me any longer. The point of getting answers is to be able to move past my anger toward him, as well as perhaps seek some insight/closure on my own wrongdoings. I just feel so stuck. I go to the same university as the guy, and we have several mutual friends. I never know when I may walk around the corner and see him. I hear his name and see pictures of him regularly. I think this meeting may help to remind me that he too, is human. Like I mentioned to BC1980, I'm hoping that meeting up with him will lead me to feel more neutral toward him.

[Simon Phoenix]

@BC1980: I think we are more or less just "catching up". I do have a few things I want to discuss regarding what had happened between us, but I'm not going to bring them up unless the conversation flows in that direction. My goals? To be able to put this behind me for good. I waiver between feeling really guilty over mistakes I had made, to feeling very angry/resentful at him over his mistakes. I think I've been demonizing him in my head for so long, but I want to be able to move beyond the anger. I'm hoping to come out of this feeling more neutral toward him.

 

@Simon_Phoenix: No, I am not going to try to manipulate him back into a relationship with me. I fully understand that he chose to separate and that he does not wish to be in a relationship with me any longer. The point of getting answers is to be able to move past my anger toward him, as well as perhaps seek some insight/closure on my own wrongdoings. I just feel so stuck. I go to the same university as the guy, and we have several mutual friends. I never know when I may walk around the corner and see him. I hear his name and see pictures of him regularly. I think this meeting may help to remind me that he too, is human. Like I mentioned to BC1980, I'm hoping that meeting up with him will lead me to feel more neutral toward him.

 

This is a fool's errand IMO. You are much more likely to find confusion than clairvoyance. Sure, there will be a 12-24 hour period where you are euphoric, but after that, boom, you'll likely be behind where you were in the first place. You are a dog chasing its tail right now.

Edited December 20, 2014 by Simon Phoenix

[BC1980]

@BC1980: I think we are more or less just "catching up". I do have a few things I want to discuss regarding what had happened between us, but I'm not going to bring them up unless the conversation flows in that direction. My goals? To be able to put this behind me for good. I waiver between feeling really guilty over mistakes I had made, to feeling very angry/resentful at him over his mistakes. I think I've been demonizing him in my head for so long, but I want to be able to move beyond the anger. I'm hoping to come out of this feeling more neutral toward him.

 

@Simon_Phoenix: No, I am not going to try to manipulate him back into a relationship with me. I fully understand that he chose to separate and that he does not wish to be in a relationship with me any longer. The point of getting answers is to be able to move past my anger toward him, as well as perhaps seek some insight/closure on my own wrongdoings. I just feel so stuck. I go to the same university as the guy, and we have several mutual friends. I never know when I may walk around the corner and see him. I hear his name and see pictures of him regularly. I think this meeting may help to remind me that he too, is human. Like I mentioned to BC1980, I'm hoping that meeting up with him will lead me to feel more neutral toward him.

 

Meeting up with him is more likely to incite bad feelings on your part, not bring about less anger or neutrality. Those two feelings can be difficult to acheive, and they are achieved through continued NC. That's been my experience. I understand the want to meet up because I've been there. But it won't accomplish anything. Just go into it knowing that, and know that his motives for meeting up are to put you on good terms. See, he needs to walk away and feel like the better man and the bigger one. But he needs your cooperation to do that. I personally wouldn't give it to him.

[Sunbathe]

I'm sure you'll all be happy to know that I never ended up meeting up with him. The holidays were busy with seeing friends and family, and I didn't have enough time to meet with him, so I cancelled. I haven't attempted to reschedule, and I probably won't.

 

Okay, now onto a current problem: My roommates are throwing a party at our apartment in the near future. I only know about said party because of a Facebook event, to which I was not invited. My ex was invited to the party, and responded that he will be attending. I am not okay with this. I'm pretty hurt and angry, as I have had multiple conversations with my roommates about how I am not comfortable with my ex coming to my home, and that I do not want him here. The roomies understood and agreed with me. In the past I have also told my ex that he is not welcome here, and he said he understood as well. I'm feeling pretty betrayed. It seems as if my roommates are attempting to keep this a secret from me, as they did not mention anything about the party to me. I plan on confronting them the next time I see them. Am I in the wrong here, though? Or is it reasonable for me to not want my ex in my home?

[The Poster]

I'm sure you'll all be happy to know that I never ended up meeting up with him. The holidays were busy with seeing friends and family, and I didn't have enough time to meet with him, so I cancelled. I haven't attempted to reschedule, and I probably won't.

 

Okay, now onto a current problem: My roommates are throwing a party at our apartment in the near future. I only know about said party because of a Facebook event, to which I was not invited. My ex was invited to the party, and responded that he will be attending. I am not okay with this. I'm pretty hurt and angry, as I have had multiple conversations with my roommates about how I am not comfortable with my ex coming to my home, and that I do not want him here. The roomies understood and agreed with me. In the past I have also told my ex that he is not welcome here, and he said he understood as well. I'm feeling pretty betrayed. It seems as if my roommates are attempting to keep this a secret from me, as they did not mention anything about the party to me. I plan on confronting them the next time I see them. Am I in the wrong here, though? Or is it reasonable for me to not want my ex in my home?

 

 

You are absolutely not in the wrong at all. How exactly do your roommates plan on keeping this a secret to you? They know you live there right?

 

This is unfair to you and very disrespectful. I would confront them about it calmly, but the first thing I'd do is start looking for a new place to live. You don't need to be around people who don't value your feelings.

[Sunbathe]

Well, any desire to be on friendly terms with my ex are long gone now. After talking to my roommates who feel strongly that it is their right to have him over the apartment, I decided to text him directly and remind him that he is not welcome here and asked him to please respect my boundaries. He responded with hostility, and made it about him and how he's been "so much more understanding than most" and that he's given me enough time. So basically a big "F U, I don't care about your feelings". What a jerk.

 

My roommates are trying to compromise by only having him over when I am not here. But I feel uncomfortable with him even being inside my residence, whether I am here or not. I feel as though my roommates could easily go on campus to spend time with him.

[KBarletta]

I feel uncomfortable with him even being inside my residence, whether I am here or not.

 

You are 100 percent within your rights to feel this way.

 

If your roommates don't understand or respect those feelings, I think you need to find new roommates who do.

[Sunbathe]

You are 100 percent within your rights to feel this way.

 

You really think so? I feel good about standing up for myself, but at the same time I am questioning my feelings. I don't know why, but I always tend to do this. I question whether or not I am in the wrong and should be more accommodating.

[Zahara]

You really think so? I feel good about standing up for myself, but at the same time I am questioning my feelings. I don't know why, but I always tend to do this. I question whether or not I am in the wrong and should be more accommodating.

 

It's not YOUR residence, it's a shared residence. They probably don't see the problem in him being invited to the home where he's just going to be in the main living space. It's not as if he's going into your bedroom and hanging out. You share the residence with others and they have a right to have him over as they occupy/rent the space as well. Granted friends should have more sense than to create situations that cause discomfort amongst each other or towards each other but seeing that they lack it, I'm not sure if just because he's your ex and you're uncomfortable, they're supposed to live in their home according to your rules.

 

Personally, I'd keep the peace and appease the roomie. In your case, I wouldn't consider them friends.

Edited January 6, 2015 by Zahara

[Sunbathe]

It's not YOUR residence, it's a shared residence. They probably don't see the problem in him being invited to the home where he's just going to be in the main living space. It's not as if he's going into your bedroom and hanging out. You share the residence with others and they have a right to have him over as they occupy/rent the space as well. Granted friends should have more sense than to create situations that cause discomfort amongst each other or towards each other but seeing that they lack it, I'm not sure if just because he's your ex and you're uncomfortable, they're supposed to live in their home according to your rules.

 

Personally, I'd keep the peace and appease the roomie. In your case, I wouldn't consider them friends.

 

Thanks for your input. I decided to come up with a compromise, in which ex will be able to come over the apartment whenever I am out of town. The roommates want him to be able to come over when I am at work as well, but I often get out of work early so that's kind of risky. Hopefully they will agree to my compromise!

 

It sucks that I have to compromise on something like this with them when they have been so disrespectful toward me in other situations involving our shared residence. I cannot wait to move out.

[Zahara]

Thanks for your input. I decided to come up with a compromise, in which ex will be able to come over the apartment whenever I am out of town. The roommates want him to be able to come over when I am at work as well, but I often get out of work early so that's kind of risky. Hopefully they will agree to my compromise!

 

It sucks that I have to compromise on something like this with them when they have been so disrespectful toward me in other situations involving our shared residence. I cannot wait to move out.

 

Compromise is good, especially when you have to live with others. Sometimes we have to pick our battles. If it was your place, I'd tell you to tell them to take a hike. Unfortunately, it's their space as well and since they won't prioritize your feelings, then a compromise will do. If you are home and he comes by, retreat to your room and find comfort there.

 

I was in your situation once. And while they compromised, the idiot would still come around unannounced and they would welcome him in. I would go to my room. It's hard when it's a shared residence. I couldn't put my issues on them and they certainly didn't need to be walking on eggshells because of me.

 

In the meantime, if they haven't been good to you, start focusing on trying to find another place to live. Even if you can't afford it now or can't find a place just yet, doing a daily search will help you feel that you are working towards that light at the end of the tunnel. It's some consolation.

[Sunbathe]

In the meantime, if they haven't been good to you, start focusing on trying to find another place to live. Even if you can't afford it now or can't find a place just yet, doing a daily search will help you feel that you are working towards that light at the end of the tunnel. It's some consolation.

 

Great idea! The lease is up in July but my goal is to find a new place by May or June, after I graduate with my bachelors degree. I already have a new roommate lined up so I don't need to stress about trying to figure out how to afford somewhere else.

 

I honestly considered my roommates as friends, but after this year and their lack of consideration for me and my feelings, I do not see myself maintaining a relationship with either of them after I leave.

[KBarletta]

You really think so? I feel good about standing up for myself, but at the same time I am questioning my feelings. I don't know why, but I always tend to do this. I question whether or not I am in the wrong and should be more accommodating.

 

Yes. You aren't telling them they can't see him, just that you don't want him in your home. I think it's a perfectly reasonable request, one which I think that roommates in a shared living situation should respect.

[Sunbathe]

The ex texted me last night and asked to get together this week. I haven't texted back yet but plan on saying that I'm not interested in meeting up and that there's nothing for us to talk about. Or maybe I shouldn't even grace him with a response at all... idk.

[Zahara]

The ex texted me last night and asked to get together this week. I haven't texted back yet but plan on saying that I'm not interested in meeting up and that there's nothing for us to talk about. Or maybe I shouldn't even grace him with a response at all... idk.

 

Just ignore. There is no need to open the door, even if it's to tell him you are not interested. Your silence will convey it perfectly.

[Simon Phoenix]

The ex texted me last night and asked to get together this week. I haven't texted back yet but plan on saying that I'm not interested in meeting up and that there's nothing for us to talk about. Or maybe I shouldn't even grace him with a response at all... idk.

 

No response. Nothing to be said.

[Sunbathe]

So I have a dilemma...

 

I have an opportunity to go to an out of state conference in my field next month, all expenses paid. This is a great opportunity and one that I may never get again as I graduate undergrad in May. The only problem is that my ex will likely be attending the conference as well. This past year he switched to my major and just recently joined the school club that is sponsoring this trip. If I attend this would likely mean that I would be stuck with him for the whole 2 days as far as transportation, meals, hotel, and potential sight seeing goes. I really don't know what to do here. I have one or two other friends in this particular club that I could maybe hang out with, although we are not super close so that isn't a guarantee. What do you think? Should I just pass on this opportunity?