Are relationships really worth it?

[Chris715]

Lots of good feedback in this thread. Everyone who is addressing my pessimism don't worry, this isn't me signing off completely from finding a relationship at 23, just being frustrated by the last few years and thinking I might need a break for a bit.

 

Plenty of people who have gotten burned in bad relationships in this thread (and this forum in general I'd imagine), good to know I'm not alone sometimes.

Edited December 17, 2014 by Chris715

[BC1980]

I'm not saying that women never cheat. I cheated on my ex (after years of him cheating on me and emotionally abusing me and on the verge of hitting me). I'm just saying, many men have a very difficult time being faithful. I don't know if I've seen a faithful man, aside from the one I just mentioned.

 

I have to agree with this based on my experiences, over the years, with men who are my friends. They will obviously tell me things they don't tell their wives. They might not ever act on it, but they have a difficult time not acting on it. I'm not saying it's an everyday occurrence where it's difficult not to cheat, but, as some point in their lives, the temptation is there and they likely entertain the thought. I've met a few guys who didn't feel this way, but not the majority.

[Silly_Girl]

In modern times relationships are usually not worth it for men IMO. I would say they are totally worth it for women though.

 

In most cases men have a lot to lose and little to gain. Usually the man gets the most out of the relationship during the stage when he is sleeping with the girl but has not committed yet. This is when she is on her best behavior.

 

Once he commits.. he is ironically punished for doing so as his girlfriend or wife becomes more demanding while offering him less affection, respect and sex.

 

Confused by this.. the man will feel guilty and try to offer more to his partner.. believing he is suppressing all her worthwhile qualities, which are, in fact, nowhere to be found.

 

This is blooming HILARIOUS!!!

[Minnie09]

I don't think they are worth it.

I am a woman, a mother, I have a career and a social life. Why bother with a partner? Especially the thought of living together with a guy gives me the chills. I simply don't want that. To much compromise. I like my quiet time, my quality time with my son, my own schedule, my own paycheck, my clean house.

I do have and love male companionship, I enjoy it, but I don't want a permanent relationship. I think they're overrated. Marriage is overrated. Every girl dreams about her dream-wedding and wants her KISA kind of guy, but a few years down the road there's always struggle and unhapiness and compromise. Compromise per se is not a negative thing. We all have to learn how to compromise one way or another, in order to enable a functioning society, but in my personal, private life I don't want that. Been there done that. It is much better to know that you can be on your own, make your own life a good life, help those who need you, be there for them, teach your children your values and choose whom to spend time with based on what they bring to your life and what you bring to theirs, not based on a committment that lasts forever. It is empowering and it is the lifestyle that I chose.

[RedRobin]

I'm starting to wonder what women get out of relationships these days too. Most men are not raised to be full partners in a relationship and seem to expect that women carry the emotional burden of the relationship too. Whereas, women can get a lot of their emotional needs met through friends and family, men tend to get most of their emotional needs met through their SO... but the woman can't count on him to be there for her, except maybe financially.

 

 

Seeing how so many men can't bring themselves to be providers either, it is no wonder why so many women see them as basically useless except as sperm donors.

 

 

Women are obliged to take up the mantle and be full participants in the work-place, in spite of the fact that they still make less than men for the same work and still do more of the household chores and childcare. Its no surprise that more and more women are shucking all that and go find themselves a FWB they don't have to mommy and who they can ditch the minute he gets a roving eye.

 

 

If men don't want to be disposable, then they can learn how to be full participants in a relationship and stop expecting women do all the emotional heavy lifting. They can cease with their idiotic sexual and relationship double standards and hypocrisy, and get down to what builds and maintains real intimacy.

[RedRobin]

I don't think they are worth it.

I am a woman, a mother, I have a career and a social life. Why bother with a partner? Especially the thought of living together with a guy gives me the chills. I simply don't want that. To much compromise. I like my quiet time, my quality time with my son, my own schedule, my own paycheck, my clean house.

I do have and love male companionship, I enjoy it, but I don't want a permanent relationship. I think they're overrated. Marriage is overrated. Every girl dreams about her dream-wedding and wants her KISA kind of guy, but a few years down the road there's always struggle and unhapiness and compromise. Compromise per se is not a negative thing. We all have to learn how to compromise one way or another, in order to enable a functioning society, but in my personal, private life I don't want that. Been there done that. It is much better to know that you can be on your own, make your own life a good life, help those who need you, be there for them, teach your children your values and choose whom to spend time with based on what they bring to your life and what you bring to theirs, not based on a committment that lasts forever. It is empowering and it is the lifestyle that I chose.

 

 

I don't mind compromise, but it has to be reciprocal.

 

 

Many men are raised to believe that compromise is the woman's job, just like everything else.

 

 

I agree with you that having your own life as you describe it above is much preferable to having some guy around who takes you for granted, can't resolve issues, doesn't want to compromise and basically thinks the world revolves around him and his needs. Which is a WHOLE lot of guys.

[nofeelings22]

I've given some thought to this topic as well.

 

Are relationships worth it? 100%. Like many things in life, they are something to be experienced. You haven't fully experienced life if you haven't had one.

 

Will a relationship make you happy for life? Absolutely not. Every relationship or marriage will end in heartache and emptiness. Even the life long ones... unless you die first.

 

Generally, I've only been with decent women in relationships. They added to my life. I'd never pursue anything with someone with a bad heart deep down. So the relationships were all worth it (what are you really paying in, anyway? nothing), but they will not be your salvation.

[thefooloftheyear]

I'm starting to wonder what women get out of relationships these days too. Most men are not raised to be full partners in a relationship and seem to expect that women carry the emotional burden of the relationship too. Whereas, women can get a lot of their emotional needs met through friends and family, men tend to get most of their emotional needs met through their SO... but the woman can't count on him to be there for her, except maybe financially.

 

For some....None of the men I know are like this, though...Most expect very little from their gf's/wives...They make way more money(guys), always there for everything, and basically cover all of their wives/families needs... Have no idea where the concept arose about men having to have emotional needs met by women..They must be very weak men..

 

Seeing how so many men can't bring themselves to be providers either, it is no wonder why so many women see them as basically useless except as sperm donors.

 

See above..I dont know any guys who arent the heavies here.....none..

 

 

Women are obliged to take up the mantle and be full participants in the work-place, in spite of the fact that they still make less than men for the same work and still do more of the household chores and childcare. Its no surprise that more and more women are shucking all that and go find themselves a FWB they don't have to mommy and who they can ditch the minute he gets a roving eye.

 

Most of the guys I know, especially where kids are involved, barely require their wives work...Most just do it to keep busy or for a few extra dollars into the house..I guess you can call them(guys) selfish if they dont pick up a vacuum when she is home all day or works some small part time job and doesnt keep a clean house, while he is putting in 70 hrs a week..

 

 

If men don't want to be disposable, then they can learn how to be full participants in a relationship and stop expecting women do all the emotional heavy lifting. They can cease with their idiotic sexual and relationship double standards and hypocrisy, and get down to what builds and maintains real intimacy.

 

Its a big world, RR...I am not saying there arent guys out there like you mentioned.....But they are pretty rare, around here anyway...

 

TFY

[RedRobin]

Its a big world, RR...I am not saying there arent guys out there like you mentioned.....But they are pretty rare, around here anyway...

 

TFY

 

 

The guys I know who are married (including my own family members)... most of them are full partners as you describe. It's why I have that expectation.

 

 

...but when I look around at the men who are single... yea, it's because of the above. Weak and lazy and addicted to one thing or another. And our culture tells them its ok to be that way... and yes, some women put up with it.

 

 

Not sure where 'here' is for you, but I've never come across a more sorry bunch of loser men since I moved into the NE. Never in my whole life.

 

 

I'm making plans to visit my parents down in FL over the break, and just got another offer to visit a long time friend and former co-worker and his wife in India. They have visas on arrival there, which is amazing!

[GravityMan]

No offense but that is only because people is marrying less. If people was marrying as much as they have back in the 1970s here in 2014, I am sure it would still be a 50% or higher divorce rate.

 

It should be expected that when people is marrying less that the divorce rate will drop as well. Another thing to add from it is that people is also marrying later which only reduces the number of potentially bad marriages that could have happened.

 

20-30+ years ago, more than 90% of all people got married at least once in their lifetime. Today, I believe about 85% of all people will get married at least once. The drop is insignificant. Even many people who feel that marriage and relationships aren't "for them" or aren't "worth it" still manage to marry at some point in their lives. Often because they unexpectedly meet someone one day that blows them away, causing them to quickly kick their "not worth it" belief to the curb. The bottom line is they just want to BE with that person.

 

The much bigger shift over the years is that people are waiting longer on average to marry, as you mention. That's a good thing in my opinion. The older you get the better your people-picker becomes, especially if you still got sufficient relevant life experience during your younger years. People today aren't waiting any longer to start dating (or "hooking up") and having their first BF/GF than they were several decades ago.

 

Maybe it's just me being a cynic but I was thinking about this today. For all the time, money, and stress that people put into trying to find relationships, keep relationships, and get over broken relationships, are they really worth it? I understand that in many ways it's an instinctive human thing to desire the opposite sex, want companionship, etc. but if you could choose to shut off your desire for a relationship would you?

 

I might not be the best person to ask this question. I've only had two relationships in my life so far (I'm 23), both short, both failed, and both making me miserable after the fact, so I'm definitely coming from a biased point of view. Still, interested to hear some other opinions on this.

 

Any person who's pouring a lot of effort and hard work into "finding" a relationship is doing something wrong. Relationships aren't things that we "find". As for maintaining relationships - yes that takes work but it shouldn't really FEEL like work. If it starts feeling like a chore (as in, the fun-factor's no longer there) then the relationship is in trouble.

 

I feel that most of these people (especially those who are still young) who question the worthiness of relationships just haven't met the right person yet. Many people meet that person when they aren't really looking and just going about and enjoying their lives. Nearly all of us are wired to want companionship, love and intimacy in our lives. Most people are in their teens or twenties when they encounter that person but for some, it takes longer. That's life.

 

Having your own life and being happy with it is vitally crucial. However, being in a relationship is one of the most important life experiences to have. You learn and discover a lot about YOURSELF from your relationships. Your actual tendencies, likes, dislikes, beliefs, feelings and so on. You get a better grasp on what really matters in life vs. what isn't a big deal. Hence it's best that people get at least one relationship under their belt before the age of 25 or so. There are certain life lessons that if you don't learn them while you're young...it may be difficult to ever truly comprehend them to the point where they are embedded within you and come naturally to you.

[toolforgrowth]

A relationship just for the sake of having one is never worth it. But when you meet someone who gets you, and who you get in return, there's no better feeling. Those are definitely worth it. I think what's important is to not fall in the trap of having a relationship just for the sake of beingin one.

 

I'm really tired of the generalizations. "Most men suck, most women suck, etc." Please. I know what it's like to have a bad partner; my ex wife walked over me, cheated, and tried very hard to clean me out in the divorce. But she is not indicative of all women. I try very hard to remember that.

 

I'll never get married again, though. Don't see the point in it...BTDT. Thankfully my GF feels exactly the same way. We've decided that we'll just live together and be a committed couple without all the legal mumbo jumbo (once we're ready to take that step).

 

I'm very lucky. Not only did I meet someone I'm very attracted to, we also share the same values. But I was very picky and didn't get involved with anyone until I found a woman I'm very compatible with. That's the key.

[Got it]

I don't think they are worth it.

I am a woman, a mother, I have a career and a social life. Why bother with a partner? Especially the thought of living together with a guy gives me the chills. I simply don't want that. To much compromise. I like my quiet time, my quality time with my son, my own schedule, my own paycheck, my clean house.

I do have and love male companionship, I enjoy it, but I don't want a permanent relationship. I think they're overrated. Marriage is overrated. Every girl dreams about her dream-wedding and wants her KISA kind of guy, but a few years down the road there's always struggle and unhapiness and compromise. Compromise per se is not a negative thing. We all have to learn how to compromise one way or another, in order to enable a functioning society, but in my personal, private life I don't want that. Been there done that. It is much better to know that you can be on your own, make your own life a good life, help those who need you, be there for them, teach your children your values and choose whom to spend time with based on what they bring to your life and what you bring to theirs, not based on a committment that lasts forever. It is empowering and it is the lifestyle that I chose.

 

I think if one is wanting a KISA then you are bound to be disillusioned. It is putting the responsibility on another person the job of "rescuing" you. That is never going to be successful.

 

I don't think relationships are mandatory and don't disagree with your premise. I think a lot of people decide that it isn't worth the amount of compromising that it entails. For others, the benefits far outweigh the negatives and the compromises aren't seen as a negative. It really comes down to the person.

 

I love being married/in a relationship. I know I would love being single. Both have their pluses and negatives.

[thefooloftheyear]

Alright, I know I am a dope, but what the hell is a "KISA" type of guy?

 

TFY

[stillmind]

"Knight In Shining Armor"

[xxoo]

"Knight In Shining Armor"

 

^^^ I love that type

[ponchsox]

Honestly, only about 10% of a relationship is worth it. That includes the sex and fun times together. The other 90% involves moodiness, arguing, frustration, worry, dishonesty, and uncertainty. If you think the 10% is worth the 90% of bad that comes with, by all means jump into one.

[Targetlock]

in one word: yes!!

 

but sadly some people aren't worth the time or effort it seems and you often end up finding that out too late or something.

[Els]

^^^ I love that type

 

I prefer knights in non-shiny armors. After all the battling dragons and minotaurs and all manner of baddies to get to you, surely a few scuffs in the armor would be more realistic!

[MissBee]

Maybe it's just me being a cynic but I was thinking about this today. For all the time, money, and stress that people put into trying to find relationships, keep relationships, and get over broken relationships, are they really worth it? I understand that in many ways it's an instinctive human thing to desire the opposite sex, want companionship, etc. but if you could choose to shut off your desire for a relationship would you?

 

I might not be the best person to ask this question. I've only had two relationships in my life so far (I'm 23), both short, both failed, and both making me miserable after the fact, so I'm definitely coming from a biased point of view. Still, interested to hear some other opinions on this.

 

I'm firmly against being stressed out looking for a man or while being with one. If I find my "search" for a man is turning into copious amounts of time, money, frustration etc. I'd put a halt on it. Likewise, if we're supposed to be in a relationship and it's more stress and strain than anything else, then to me that's a sign we should not be together. With my last boyfriend, while it wasn't stressful, after a while I felt I spent more time complaining about him or feeling like I was pulling teeth than being happy and growing with him so I ended things and it was the first I was genuinely a million times happier single than being with him. Heartbreak cannot be avoided altogether. While it is not fun and I've had it happen more than once, you do bounce back and I think your mentality about relationship beforehand dictates how you even process your heartbreak. But in spite of the pain of breaking up, I realize it's a part of it and the goal is to eventually find someone I can have something meaningful with...and yes even if it doesn't last forever.

 

I find it more stressful to be in a relationship that isn't working than being single. But when a relationship is good it's a great thing and I feel it's definitely worth it. I ultimately want a life partner, someone to have kids with and grow old with and I like being in a relationship but I don't choose to settle and I don't believe in being stressed out over it. The regular issues about communicating and compromising and them eventually getting on your nerves in some areas are normal and to be expected, but if it is genuine stress then I think something is wrong.

[ktya]

Maybe it's just me being a cynic but I was thinking about this today. For all the time, money, and stress that people put into trying to find relationships, keep relationships, and get over broken relationships, are they really worth it? I understand that in many ways it's an instinctive human thing to desire the opposite sex, want companionship, etc. but if you could choose to shut off your desire for a relationship would you?

 

I might not be the best person to ask this question. I've only had two relationships in my life so far (I'm 23), both short, both failed, and both making me miserable after the fact, so I'm definitely coming from a biased point of view. Still, interested to hear some other opinions on this.

 

I have always been of the outlook to say yes to a question like this, but my last experiences really make me question whether in todays western world relationships really are worth it.

 

Marriage is no longer worth the paper its printed on. You dont need a reason to get a divorce anymore. People are getting into "starter marriages" now just to get practice for their anticipated second marriage. People get divorced simply because they are bored and want to do something, and someone else.

 

Family courts have made a mockery of parenting, and now the going gambit upon separation is for the woman to file for a restraining order ex parte (where the man doesnt get to present his side of the story, regardless if its false, take the kids and file for full custody in order to get cheques. The court will come down on the man with the full power of the state if he does not pay, and will do little if anything to ensure his access to his kids even if he does. Perjury is rife and the courts do nothing about it.

 

Western women in great numbers merely look at a man for what he is useful for. With the advent of dating sites and social media a woman can post a profile and pick from hundreds of potential suitors a day. If her man doesnt live up to some super high standard, another is just a few clicks away - they know this so many make excessive demands as the inevitable human flaws start to show through.

 

Women need men for nothing, and feminism even lambasts men for opening the door for them in a small show of chivalry.

 

Women are more promiscuous than ever before, and give away the milk for free so theres no need for men to buy the cow in the first place.

 

A marriage or.cohabiting relationship used to be a partnership where each party brought something to the table and they worked as a team to build a life together. I have never had a girlfriend who could cook in 18 years despite having 6 over that time period. Basic rudimentary dishes, yes, but nothing like generations before them, with the family masterpeices that were handed down for generations.

 

My best "relationships" over the past few years have been relationships without committment or.expectations. It.seems once exclusivity kicks in, everything changes and it goes from simply.enjoying eachother to a list of expectations and demands.

 

In my experience, the time to.get into a relationship is at your age, OP. By the thirties everyone available has either had bad scarring experiences or they have been so independent that they dont know how to compromise. The good people get taken in their.early 20s and stay that way. The rest are the collateral damage that is left behind.

 

Im jaded so ... Take what i have to.say with a grain of salt.

[MissBee]

Maybe not always but often.

 

50% divorce rate. And the failed relationships among people who never make it to marriage are an even higher percentage.

 

So let me get your logic: you're arguing that the 50% divorce rate (in America, which isn't the world btw) is as a result of women choosing not to have sex, love or respect their husbands once married while the man is trying to do everything to make it better? This is what you're saying?

 

I hope you see how this in fact doesn't make any sense. I mean this is not sound logic by any stretch.

 

People divorce for LOTS of reasons and I am sure they are varied and do not ALL or even most boil down to women taking the man for granted.

 

It's strange (well not really given the themes in your posts) that you would not consider the MANY other logical factors which contribute to a couple divorcing like:

 

It's a mutual decision

One person cheated (the husband or wife)

They both just fell out of love with each other

Financial issues which became irreconcilable

Got married too quickly and realized it was a mistake

Incompatibility issues

Abuse

 

Yea...let's ignore all these possible variables and just assume with a huge leap of logic that the 50% divorce rate for sure can be attributed to women changing after marriage and mistreating the man. Mmmkay

[BluEyeL]

I've been thinking about this today. Having a great relationship is so worth it! Nothing is better! It's scary to open up to being hurt, and looking for one is extremely difficult, but in the end so worth it!

[RedRobin]

I'm a little wary of people who claim to not want or have expectations, demands, or compromise.

 

 

Every relationship has rules. Even the ones that claim not to. It just goes unspoken.

 

 

It's how people negotiate those 'rules' that make them a responsible human being or, if not, then conversely the worst kind of user/abuser/liar.

 

 

There just isn't any way around it if one cares to be a moral human being, IMHO.

 

 

So, I guess the answer to the original question... "Are relationships worth it?" Is, there is no way to AVOID a relationship unless you want to be a hermit... because we are having relationships with everyone around us whether we like it or not. Might as well try and make them positive ones, to the mutual benefit of both people, and as authentically as possible.

[NGC1300]

Are relationships really worth it?

 

Not if you're male.

[organizedchaos]

Honestly, only about 10% of a relationship is worth it. That includes the sex and fun times together. The other 90% involves moodiness, arguing, frustration, worry, dishonesty, and uncertainty. If you think the 10% is worth the 90% of bad that comes with, by all means jump into one.

 

If that's a summary of your experience with relationships then you're doing it wrong.