80/20 rule?

[torn87]

Saw something in a movie that really resonated with me. Has anyone ever heard that no one gets 100% of their needs met in a relationship usually its only about 80. Sometimes someone comes round who gives you the rest of that 20 whether it be connection friendship understandig or maybe a judgment/criticism free zone. Whatever the case may be for a little while you are having all your needs met granted by two different people thus begins your affair. With or without sex how can you possibly admit to your spouse that there is something lacking and you've found it with someone else. You could lose your 80% and be left with someone who turns out to really only be about 20% compatible for you. Grass is not always greener on the other side. Anyway I was just wondering if anyone else had heard of this and if they felt like it was complete crap or based a little on some truth. Personally it felt a lot like that for me both as a WS and OW.

[Realist3]

I would suggest that the person that meets that extra 20, is probably someone that could meet most of that 80 as well.

[kenmore]

Torn, I am new here (just now) but I have been married one way or another for decades, and I have never heard this. I do understand your pain and wish the best for you.

 

Personally, no I don't think anyone should go outside of their marriage for any unmet needs. If your spouse can't give that to you, you either need to let it go or work with them to help them understand. That is just my opinion, and just like A**holes, everyone has one.

 

That said, you are where you are and looking back won't help, but insight may prevent new problems from arising. My advice is to enjoy your new relationship for what it's worth, and if it isn't enough for you, end it ASAP so it's as easy as it can be for both of you, especially the other person. 20% is basically useless.

 

Ken

[sunburned]

Saw something in a movie that really resonated with me. Has anyone ever heard that no one gets 100% of their needs met in a relationship usually its only about 80. Sometimes someone comes round who gives you the rest of that 20 whether it be connection friendship understandig or maybe a judgment/criticism free zone. Whatever the case may be for a little while you are having all your needs met granted by two different people thus begins your affair. With or without sex how can you possibly admit to your spouse that there is something lacking and you've found it with someone else. You could lose your 80% and be left with someone who turns out to really only be about 20% compatible for you. Grass is not always greener on the other side. Anyway I was just wondering if anyone else had heard of this and if they felt like it was complete crap or based a little on some truth. Personally it felt a lot like that for me both as a WS and OW.

 

I don't remember the exact ratio but YES! I did hear precisely that from an IC I met with post A. I would have to go back to my notes, but I recall her saying something like most people get about 60 percent of their needs met and they're fairly happy. She said high-achievers, however, expect 80 to 90 percent of their needs met and are more apt to cheat to "get" that extra 20 percent. If I can find those exact stats and they are much different than my memory, I will repost.

 

As to Realist's comment, totally disagree. Odds are better trying to get the 80 percenter to throw in a few more percent. Or, even better, be happy if you are getting 80 percent from a single source. Apparently, it's more than most of us get!

[Realist3]

My reason for saying that is because being involved for so long, and knowing what the 80 percent entails, in my particular instance the 80 percent would be easily met with my AP. The 80 percent is dealing with everyday life.

[purplesorrow]

My reason for saying that is because being involved for so long, and knowing what the 80 percent entails, in my particular instance the 80 percent would be easily met with my AP. The 80 percent is dealing with everyday life.

 

If you could indeed get 100% from ap, why stay married? Why keep two women? Doesn't knowing that calm the fears that most have when choosing, will the ap be enough? Out of curiosity, do you think your wife is in love with you and what percentage of her needs are met by you?

[twosadthings]

It's not about finding the 20% elsewhere but the consequences of doing so.

 

Think risk vs. reward. Do you want to lose 100% of your spouse and 50% of your children, not to mention 100% of your self-respect, to satisfy something that with some effort could be achieved through your marriage?

 

I say 80/20 is bullspit. What are you a calculator? You're a person and when you cheat you are less of a person for doing so.

 

Just sayin',

 

Twosadthings

[xxoo]

I think a marriage can meet all marital needs. Not every day or week, but on the whole. I can't remember the last time I felt that my husband wasn't meeting my needs fully. I think I had that thought more when I was an immature young wife, but in retrospect, I was looking for a lot of unnecessary romantic efforts.

 

Some people mistake wants for needs. Some people have ego needs that they mistake for relationship needs. Some people are bottomless pits of need.

 

My reason for saying that is because being involved for so long, and knowing what the 80 percent entails, in my particular instance the 80 percent would be easily met with my AP. The 80 percent is dealing with everyday life.

 

The reasons you don't leave your marriage--that's the percentage marriage to your spouse can provide that the AP can not (financial and family stability, for example).

[cocorico]

Saw something in a movie that really resonated with me. Has anyone ever heard that no one gets 100% of their needs met in a relationship usually its only about 80. Sometimes someone comes round who gives you the rest of that 20 whether it be connection friendship understandig or maybe a judgment/criticism free zone. Whatever the case may be for a little while you are having all your needs met granted by two different people thus begins your affair. With or without sex how can you possibly admit to your spouse that there is something lacking and you've found it with someone else. You could lose your 80% and be left with someone who turns out to really only be about 20% compatible for you. Grass is not always greener on the other side. Anyway I was just wondering if anyone else had heard of this and if they felt like it was complete crap or based a little on some truth. Personally it felt a lot like that for me both as a WS and OW.

 

I've come across this before, but I think the important aspect that is omitted is that the "80%" (or whatever %) and the 20% are not necessarily counting things of equal value. The things that really, really matter to you - while being numerically only x% - are much more important to you than the things that don't. If those things fall into the 80%, you'll happily live without the 20% of less important things; but if they fall I to the 20% of things you're not getting, they'll matter enough for you to go looking elsewhere.

 

Of course, what really really matters to you can also change over time, as you grow and shift. If you married young, and stability and material comfort mattered to you at that point, then the partner you chose is likely to be one who could provide you with that. If, decades later, you've grown to recognise that that matters far less to you than intimacy, emotional connection, passion or intellectual stimulation, you'll likely find yourself seeking those things elsewhere - whether from hobbies, friends or lovers. Which may account for the exponential rise in "grey" divorces, as people recognise that the choices they made decades back no longer reflect their current priorities.

[Sub]

I don't think it's as much about percentages as much as how you prioritize those needs, or how much you prioritize getting to that 100%. I would never expect my W, or any other woman/partner, to meet my needs 100%. So starting there, there's little focus on the needs that she may not be fulfilling. I think about what she does give me much more than what she doesn't.

[xxoo]

I don't think it's as much about percentages as much as how you prioritize those needs, or how much you prioritize getting to that 100%. I would never expect my W, or any other woman/partner, to meet my needs 100%. So starting there, there's little focus on the needs that she may not be fulfilling. I think about what she does give me much more than what she doesn't.

 

I, too, think about what my H gives me much more than what he doesn't.

 

But all my needs are met. Not just in my marriage, but in my life! And if you count it all up, I probably have far less than others who still feel they have unmet needs.

 

Maybe it's nothing more than an attitude of gratitude. Some people are easier to please, because they are happier from within.

[AlwaysGrowing]

One has to remember that there are those that confuse needs and wants. Or just put wants as needs as well. You know, those bottomless pits of ME ME ME.

 

Not to mention that my 100% is another's 45% or 110%.

 

The percentage is subjective.

[central]

A spouse will (almost) never be able to meet ALL your needs, and it's highly unrealistic to expect them to be able to. However, the things that distinguish a spouse from friends and family are emotional and sexual intimacy. If they aren't able to meet those key needs, you don't have a marriage, IMO, and should end it ASAP. Every other need can be met by family and friends, and it's appropriate if you have those needs met elsewhere (such as a shared activity or interest, or straightforward friendship).

[Got it]

Saw something in a movie that really resonated with me. Has anyone ever heard that no one gets 100% of their needs met in a relationship usually its only about 80. Sometimes someone comes round who gives you the rest of that 20 whether it be connection friendship understandig or maybe a judgment/criticism free zone. Whatever the case may be for a little while you are having all your needs met granted by two different people thus begins your affair. With or without sex how can you possibly admit to your spouse that there is something lacking and you've found it with someone else. You could lose your 80% and be left with someone who turns out to really only be about 20% compatible for you. Grass is not always greener on the other side. Anyway I was just wondering if anyone else had heard of this and if they felt like it was complete crap or based a little on some truth. Personally it felt a lot like that for me both as a WS and OW.

 

Well this analogy is assuming that no part of that 80% could be met by the other person even if they are, right now, just meeting the 20%. But that doesn't make logical sense.

 

And while I have heard this phrase, to me, it was more about one needing to meet their own needs. No other person can meet all of your needs. Shoot there are going to be needs that I think would be hard for another human to be able to meet. So what I have taken way from this is that it is a fallacy to believe one's happiness is tied to other people. It is about getting away from external validations.

 

No person has ever met my needs at 100%. I can't even fathom how that would happen. I think one's head would explode.

[xxoo]

And while I have heard this phrase, to me, it was more about one needing to meet their own needs. No other person can meet all of your needs. Shoot there are going to be needs that I think would be hard for another human to be able to meet. So what I have taken way from this is that it is a fallacy to believe one's happiness is tied to other people. It is about getting away from external validations.

 

True. I feel that my needs are met, but that's not necessarily because my partner is perfectly meeting them. It's not his responsibility to meet my needs.

 

However, it is his pleasure to meet my needs, and my pleasure to meet his, as we each can. I do give considerable thought to assuring his needs are met, whether it is down time or intimacy or anything else. I certainly spend more time thinking about meeting his needs than evaluating how well he is meeting mine. Be a giver; marry a giver.

[Rainbowlove]

Its unrealistic to expect one person (AP or spouse) to meet all your needs - even 80%. That's where close friendships and family come to play.

 

Eventually, we have to learn to rely on others to help meet our needs and realize that is a healthy relationship.

 

I don't expect my spouse to meet even 80% of my needs anymore. It's just not fair to put that much responsibility on anyone one person.

[DKT3]

I have talked about the 80/20 since I've been posting here. I read it in a book a few years back. Don't remember who wrote it.

 

In the book it spoke about how one could be going along in daily life not really understanding that they are missing the 20%, but once they found it, it could make their life feel whole. Making them feel happier then ever before.

 

In most cases the 20% of what you didn't have can overshadow the 80% of what you do, that is until you no longer have it. Which is why most affairs end when the spouse finds out. A small percentage will chase that 20% having most attempt to return to the marriage in a short time.

 

I mentioned this in a post recently and so many people got hung up on the percentage that it distorted the message. Very few lucky people have all their needs met in a marriage. Most of us understand its normal and learn to adjust, being thankful that we have someone with who we can live with their flaws. Others believe that they deserve it all no matter what damage it does to others, so the chase it. Problem is you can never really find what isn't there. So the cycle continues OM/OW becomes H,BF/W,GF then BH/BW.