Affair with coworker

[0080]

First of let me start off by saying I have been married for 9 years and have one child. My relationship has been rocky as my wife has cheated on me 3 times with 3 different guys and each time I have let her back in. I have had opportunities to cheat but always took the high road and worked on my relationship with my wife. This last year has been difficult as my wife now puts all her efforts into our son and does not have any effort left for me so naturally I feel neglected.

Enter my dilemma. Beth and I work together in the same department and have always been friendly with eachother since we met she knows im married and she has a boyfriend. About 4 months ago she texted me asking about a project we were going to work on together. I did not realize it at the time but this was the start of my affair.

Over the next few weeks I would find myself looking forword to her pointless text messages and also noticed that she started dressing differently and started flirting with me a lot at work (locking eyes, smiling at me all the time, laughing at everything I said, sticking her tongue out at me, folloing me wherever I went, etc)

One night as I was working she texted me a picture of her smiling but I could tell she had just gotten out of the shower. Up until this point I had never responded inappropriately but this time I sent a smiley face back. The next day after work I gave her a quick hug goodbye and as soon as i got home she texted me saying that hug messed her up and she cant stop thinking about it.

A week later we ended up chatting late at night and started sexting with pictures. The next morning she texted me saying she loves her boyfriend and we can never do that again. The flirting has stopped for the most part she has gone back to her normal cloths. She does tell me all the time how unhappy her boyfriend makes her. She has slowed way down on texting me and does not talk about sexual things anymore. The part that is confusing me is she still follows me around and acts like she wants me. Everynight when we leave she walks with me to the parking garage and gives me a long tight hug and looks directly into my eyes then says goodnight. I am really struggling with what this all means.

[Dork Vader]

Well for the sake of your marriage and sanity you need to cease this relationship with yourcoworker. This could very easily cost you your job and potentially more.

 

That said you need to decide what you want to do with your marriage. You have a few options 1. Seperate from your wife, 2. File for divorce or finally go to marriage counseling and decide what is best for you and your wife.

 

Your wifes cheating does not justify you having an affair. Two wrongs will never make a right, vengence has no place in a healthy relationship. Vengence and justification will only create a never ending cycle of you hurting her and her hurting you. So you either forgive your wife for her mistakes and deal with your resentments or end the relationship.

 

As for her short commings as a spouse and you feeling neglected. This again is no justification for any type of cheating. Healthy relationships have healthy communication. If you feel negelected then talk to your spouse about it! Find out why it is going on and what you BOTH can do to fix it.

 

You'll likely need a marriage therapist to help you and your spouse see your own short commings as a spouse. I highly doubt you're a perfect husband and like wise she is not a perfect wife. If you want to save your marriage you both have to admit that.

 

As fir your coworkers poor relationship. That is between her and her boy friend, it's none of your business. If she is unhappy in that relationship she can figure out why and what to do about it on her own. But that does not involve her having an affair of any sort with you. If you both end up single and want to date then go for it, until then she is a coworker and nothing more.

[tobrieornottobrie]

I'm going to echo Dork Vader's suggestion of marriage counseling. I think that some sort of counseling or therapy will be a good first step in navigating this situation. Have you talked to your wife about any of this? Is she aware of what happened between you and your co-worker? Did you go for any sort of marital counseling after she had her affairs? Did you talk to your wife about how you were feeling neglected?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[0080]

Thanks for the advice. I have delt with my wifes affairs without any help and have not even told anyone other then my wifes father who asked me to keep it quiet. I am really over all of my wifes affair issues and it doest really get me upset anymore. I know my marriage is probably over but for the sake of my son I stay. My wife does not know anything about Beth and I don't plan on ever telling her. I am just so confused as I dont understand the mixed signals I am getting from Beth and I don't know if I should just end things with Beth before I get in to deep. The problem is I could really see myself with her and I dont want to give up on those feelings. Uggg I hate this.

[Diezel]

I love how you preface the rest of your post with "Well my wife cheated on me 3 times with 3 different women." I see rationalizing and excusing your current behavior.

 

It's like saying, "Hey guys, it's okay because she's done it to me."

 

It's not okay. And if I were you, I'd leave Beth the hell alone. The last thing you need is an HR nightmare hanging over your head.

[Radu]

You have 2 problems [big ones].

 

1 - your wife cheating 3 times with 3 different guys.

Is it separate disjointed events or was it one period where she kinda went down the deep end ?

Either way you need to make a decision regarding your marriage.

If you stay, you can't expect her to change ... not to mean that she shouldn't change, but it's obvious she has problems and you have made your own grown-up decision.

Her decision to cheat is hers, so don't let her put the guilt on you ... whatever happens in a relationship outside cheating is 50:50 but that, is fully on her just as your cheating is fully on you.

 

2 - the affair with your co-worker.

It's an unbelievably bad idea.

First of all, if it gets out, chances are you will be getting the boot while she stays ... if you live in the US you know why that is, affirmative action and all that.

Considering it is a bit harder for a man to land a job post-depression and that by default providing is intrinsically linked to our masculinity, you are literally kicking yourself in the crotch.

Why couldn't you have started an affair with someone you did not work with ?

Even animals at the Zoo know better than to do their business where they eat.

Second, you have just handed to her 'moral superiority'.

Third, it could impact getting access to your kids in the case of a Divorce since 70% of the time when a woman is pissed she will try to mess with the kids time with their dad [statistic done ... not some number out of the blue].

 

Your friend from work seems to have more common sense than you if she is trying to end this.

I suggest you agree to it, talk with her in private, erase the history on your phones and email [completely, rewrite it ... don't just delete it], and make it a goal to treat each-other as you have before this.

Then focus on the 1st problem.

[smackie9]

Thanks for the advice. I have delt with my wifes affairs without any help

 

This is your problem right here. Forgiving and getting over these affairs never FIXED what was ailing your marriage. That's why it kept happening, and now has lead to this. Not good.

 

As for Beth, she is just emotionally starved that is all. Sometimes couples get so busy with the stresses of life, little by little they drift away. Emotional desires can be so addicting, they don't even realize what they are walking into, kind of like drugs...it changes your brain. What was thought of a bad gets overlooked because the desire is so strong. In her case she realized what she is about to lose, and how hollow your little affair was. She loves her husband without a doubt, and now she knows she needs to take proper measures to save her marriage. Going cold turkey is difficult, those emotions she had for you still linger. If you have any respect for her you will simply cut her off.

Edited December 16, 2014 by smackie9

[0080]

Again thanks for the advice. I called and talked with Beth this morning and explained to her that we can not continue with our relationship. I encouranged her to work on her relationship with her boyfriend and I am going to work on my relationship with my wife. I made choice to do this as I rocked my son to sleep and as I looked at him I thought I would never want to explain this to him and I would never want him to follow in my footsteps. After speaking with Beth she texted me and said she planning on transferring to our branch in California next month as her boyfriend found out he is being transfered there. I guess this was all good timing that I spoke with her today.

I will begin the process of getting help with my marriage and hope I can stay strong through everything.

Thanks everyone for the advice.

[tom670]

Keeping her 3 affairs secret was called rugsweeping and a big mistake but that is water over the bridge.

Glad you did not pursue a workplace affair.

[firemanq]

that is water over the bridge.

 

 

You get the Yogi Berra award today.

Congratulations!