Is this leading to infidelity? Or am I overreacting

[guya]

You know, I really don't think anything will happen here. I certainly won't make a move on this guy. I'm sure he won't either - wouldn't that be way too risky? I highly doubt that he would go there. And the wife thing baffled me, too! I didn't even know he was there that day, didn't see him. He's the one who brought it up a few days later. I asked if he was there with his kids, he said "No, with the whole family...". I thought it was odd. The second time, he only took one child, and came over to me. We will see if he will change this if we run into each other again and his wife is there.

 

I feel that I'm already managing it with my husband. We talked this morning, and he always makes an effort to listen. He is my best friend, and I am his; we've been through so much together! Our marriage is a lot more emotionally strong now than it's ever been. It's just the sex part that has been getting in the way. I feel that this is already being handled, but I understand that we need to keep communicating about it. I have the best husband a woman could ask for; if he could want me as much as I want him, things would be perfect!

[xxoo]

You know, I really don't think anything will happen here. I certainly won't make a move on this guy. I'm sure he won't either - wouldn't that be way too risky? I highly doubt that he would go there.

 

Don't underestimate what he might do. People have affairs all the time. Most are in fantasy land and not thinking of the consequences, imagining it will all work out magically as things do in fantasies.

 

Have a plan to respond if he asks you out alone, or if he moves in close when you're alone in the office. Keep an appropriate distance, both physically and socially.

[Rainbowlove]

You know, I really don't think anything will happen here. I certainly won't make a move on this guy. I'm sure he won't either - wouldn't that be way too risky? I highly doubt that he would go there. And the wife thing baffled me, too! I didn't even know he was there that day, didn't see him. He's the one who brought it up a few days later. I asked if he was there with his kids, he said "No, with the whole family...". I thought it was odd. The second time, he only took one child, and came over to me. We will see if he will change this if we run into each other again and his wife is there.

 

I'm sorry, but anything you've said after this is meaningless. Blah, Blah, Blah....

 

You have got to stop wondering his motives and whether or not he would risk anything...

 

You are a woman obsessed!!!

[Satu]

No, I do not intend to have an affair. Here's the main issue: I'm an attractive woman. I know it, other people know it. I'm used to getting male attention, my husband is used to it too. But it has never been an issue. This hasn't been about whether he has interest in me; it's about whether he would pursue something with me. I don't think he would, I don't know his reasons.

 

I also don't know if the way he acts is inappropriate bc men are always "nice" to me; in other words, they always give me special treatment, so I have difficulty differentiating their usual behavior from the behavior of a man looking for an affair. That's why I said it's hard for me to see pitfalls. I don't need validation that he wants me; I don't think he wants an affair.

 

Plus, I'm not "obsessed" I am concerned that my feelings have been changing, and I feel that his behavior is; I don't know what his feelings are. I don't think this is harmless now, but I don't know if it warrants telling my husband! He would say, at most, that I've been feeling neglected and enjoying the attention. I've had men interested in me before, and that was always my husband's response. He trusts me.

 

I don't want to have to treat the guy differently! Just now I got a very nice email from him thanking me for something at work, which is something he doesn't do for everyone; more special treatment. I liked it, but have not replied. I think he sees me as someone who is happily married so he is very subtle. But there's something there nonetheless.

 

And yes, I am listening to everyone - it's just very helpful to me to sort out all the behaviors and express things that are only in my head. People who don't enjoy reading about other people's thoughts and feelings shouldn't exactly be on an advice forum! Thanks to all of you who have tried to help.

 

Are you aware of the of the large element of narcissism you have in your character?

 

Are you aware that thats a problem?

 

You paint yourself as a 'drop-dead gorgeous' woman, who has only one problem in her life - a husband who doesn't provide enough sex to keep her happy.

 

I don't believe you.

 

I think you suffer from low self esteem, aren't 'drop dead gorgeous', and have been knocked sideways because a man *seems* to be attracted to you.

 

Get real.

[elaine567]

I'm sorry, but anything you've said after this is meaningless. Blah, Blah, Blah....

 

You have got to stop wondering his motives and whether or not he would risk anything...

 

You are a woman obsessed!!!

 

I do wonder if this man is just working and interacting normally, completely oblivious...

[Rainbowlove]

I do wonder if this man is just working and interacting normally, completely oblivious...

 

Right. It could be the case, but does it really matter if he's interested in her or not?

 

What matters is why she is putting so much energy and concern regarding his behavior and actions.

 

Why?

 

Because she's unhappy in her marriage. Because she is lonely. Because she is bored. Because she has unmet needs. Because she thinks she can get all worked up about this OM and that's okay b/c her husband does't give it to her. Period. End of story.

 

She is looking for some excitement and attention and she is manifesting it in her mind with this OM.

 

News flash, what you are seeking from this OM, you won't find in him. You need to find what's missing within yourself.

 

But at the present moment, you can't even look at yourself honestly to dig deeper for answers.

[redtail]

if he could want me as much as I want him, things would be perfect!

 

Guya, this is a key phrase for you. Everybody who's ever been married has at some time uttered the "if only my spouse would be ____, life would be perfect". Many of those same people get a divorce because it's a deal breaker, a need that they must have, so this too is the cross roads where you are.

 

You'll need to get counseling, with your husband would be better but not obligatory. Explore this need of yours better, confront it and decide whether or not this marriage can work, even if your husband can only be who he is. You seem like you never have, since your husband is your first, maybe you didn't have your eyes open when you got married.

 

Your son will be fine, many kids don't have that, give him a better gift, the gift of knowing one's self, honesty and integrity. Because this guy at work is not the problem, he's a symptom.

 

Best of luck to you.

[jackslife]

A sexless or low sex marriage is awful. I think sooner or later you will have an affair. You poor thing, you are climbing the walls already and this problem will not go away.

 

You will not get any sympathy on here. The red mist comes down and most contributors only see the affair not the reasons for it. If you want to stay in your marriage you'll need to discuss with your husband what your options are if he fails to satisfy you.

 

Try and stay focussed on the problem (poor sex at home) and not this other man. Remember an affair will be a sticking plaster and not a solution. In the short term an affair will meet your needs, but once the old emotions become involved they go badly wrong very quickly.

 

At least give your husband the chance to sort his performance issues out before you go elsewhere.

[BetrayedH]

Get the book, Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass.

[spanz1]

A sexless or low sex marriage is awful. I think sooner or later you will have an affair. You poor thing, you are climbing the walls already and this problem will not go away.

 

You will not get any sympathy on here. ......

 

At least give your husband the chance to sort his performance issues out before you go elsewhere.

 

 

 

First, I disagree on the sympathy. It is a very hard thing when one partner has no desire for sex, and the other is thinking about it every 15 minutes. I do not think that sort of a marriage can go on without the LD partner at least trying to have more sex!

 

 

How about asking your husband for a hall pass for sex (physical sex only)? If he is so uninterested in it, he might jump at the chance to get off the hook. If he is shocked and blindsided by your request, then maybe he will finally get the message and DO SOMETHING about his low sex desire. At least become an expert at oral sex with you. Or maybe he would be ok with you having only cybersex online?

 

 

I would urge you to find a partner that is either NOT married, or has a similar "hall pass" in place. You have no right to screw up another person's marriage for your pleasure.

 

 

Hubby's performance issues? He needs to see a urologist specializing in ED. He should not leave the office without a prescription of Viagra/levetra/ciallis. Even if those do not work, have him go back for Trimix Injections.

 

There is almost NO reason, giving today's medical marvels, why a husband can not perform. If he is just reluctant to admit he needs help, or embarrassed, or lazy...he is betting his marriage on the fact that you can surpress your sex urges! tell him what the odds are on him wining that bet!

[elaine567]

First, I disagree on the sympathy. It is a very hard thing when one partner has no desire for sex, and the other is thinking about it every 15 minutes. I do not think that sort of a marriage can go on without the LD partner at least trying to have more sex!

 

 

How about asking your husband for a hall pass for sex (physical sex only)? If he is so uninterested in it, he might jump at the chance to get off the hook. If he is shocked and blindsided by your request, then maybe he will finally get the message and DO SOMETHING about his low sex desire. At least become an expert at oral sex with you. Or maybe he would be ok with you having only cybersex online?

 

 

I would urge you to find a partner that is either NOT married, or has a similar "hall pass" in place. You have no right to screw up another person's marriage for your pleasure.

 

 

Hubby's performance issues? He needs to see a urologist specializing in ED. He should not leave the office without a prescription of Viagra/levetra/ciallis. Even if those do not work, have him go back for Trimix Injections.

 

There is almost NO reason, giving today's medical marvels, why a husband can not perform. If he is just reluctant to admit he needs help, or embarrassed, or lazy...he is betting his marriage on the fact that you can surpress your sex urges! tell him what the odds are on him wining that bet!

 

The husband got sick last January and is struggling with his energy levels

[guya]

I'm laughing out loud at the mean posts - but I guess that's what you get on a public forum. If I list every behavior, I'm obsessed. Then other people say "nothing has happened, you're overanalyzing and he has no interest", LOL! Do you guys think I have the time to list every interaction I've had with him? If I did have the time, it would be boring for everyone involved. So I guess the negative people will just have to trust that I know when a man is attracted, and he is. Again, this was never an issue of "is he interested" - it's about whether he would pursue an affair and how I should handle it. This has come up this time bc I had never been interested before.

 

As for my level of attractiveness, I won't even go there... Short of posting pictures, I don't know how this could be addressed. But I'm sure it always ruffles people's feathers to see someone who is content and happy about how they look, and someone who has the courage to admit it. I apologize if my high opinion of myself offends anyone.

 

As for my husband, he is very willing to work on it; he's a great guy. We are best friends and our relationship is so much deeper than sex. I honestly can't picture myself having sex with anyone else, not even this guy. It's hard to explain, but my attraction to him has happened on a different level... My husband and I are very different sexually, always have been. But I dont believe in building relationships based on sex, which is why I was - and am - against sex outside of marriage. There is so much more to a person than just how they perform in bed! I am building a life with my husband, and he feels the same about me. I see the sex as the cherry on top of the sundae; I'd like it to be there, but the rest is the real deal.

[Rainbowlove]

I honestly can't picture myself having sex with anyone else, not even this guy. It's hard to explain, but my attraction to him has happened on a different level... My husband and I are very different sexually, always have been. But I dont believe in building relationships based on sex, which is why I was - and am - against sex outside of marriage. There is so much more to a person than just how they perform in bed! I am building a life with my husband, and he feels the same about me. I see the sex as the cherry on top of the sundae; I'd like it to be there, but the rest is the real deal.

 

Then why are you here??

[guya]

Because it's been very disconcerting to have all of these thoughts about another man; I feel myself looking forward to things I shouldn't look forward to. And seeing him outside of work has changed things, it seems that way for him too. His behavior has been different. Plus, I don't see my therapist until tomorrow and this works in the meantime.

[redtail]

I'm laughing out loud at the mean posts

Take it with a grain of salt, truly. Most people mean well but it doesn't always come across. And, hang out for the comedy.

 

I apologize if my high opinion of myself offends anyone.

No need.

 

As for my husband, he is very willing to work on it; he's a great guy.

Life is good. And tomorrow, we've given you more to chat about with your therapist!

 

But I dont believe in building relationships based on sex

"Sex is only 5% of a relationship, but if that 5% isn't there, there other 95% doesn't matter." - Woody Allen

 

Best of luck to you both.

[Rainbowlove]

Glad we could assist you in the meantime.

 

I still think you are in deep doo doo and in way over your head...even more than you are able to see.

[denise_xo]

You know, I really don't think anything will happen here. I certainly won't make a move on this guy. I'm sure he won't either - wouldn't that be way too risky? I highly doubt that he would go there. And the wife thing baffled me, too! I didn't even know he was there that day, didn't see him. He's the one who brought it up a few days later. I asked if he was there with his kids, he said "No, with the whole family...". I thought it was odd. The second time, he only took one child, and came over to me. We will see if he will change this if we run into each other again and his wife is there.

 

I feel that I'm already managing it with my husband. We talked this morning, and he always makes an effort to listen. He is my best friend, and I am his; we've been through so much together! Our marriage is a lot more emotionally strong now than it's ever been. It's just the sex part that has been getting in the way. I feel that this is already being handled, but I understand that we need to keep communicating about it. I have the best husband a woman could ask for; if he could want me as much as I want him, things would be perfect!

 

I'm laughing out loud at the mean posts - but I guess that's what you get on a public forum. If I list every behavior, I'm obsessed. Then other people say "nothing has happened, you're overanalyzing and he has no interest", LOL! Do you guys think I have the time to list every interaction I've had with him? If I did have the time, it would be boring for everyone involved. So I guess the negative people will just have to trust that I know when a man is attracted, and he is. Again, this was never an issue of "is he interested" - it's about whether he would pursue an affair and how I should handle it. This has come up this time bc I had never been interested before.

 

Guya, I realise some posts here may come across as 'mean', but they are not. It's just that the long timers here have read these kinds of threads a million times before, and they recognise the signs. And those signs are everywhere. I'll list a few of them:

 

1. You start a thread with the question 'is this leading to infidelity?'. When people start threads like that, it's usually for a reason. If the relationship to the colleague was unproblematic, there wouldn't be a need for this thread.

 

2. You're not willing to discuss your relationship to your colleague with your husband. This is a red flag.

 

3. You do appear obsessed about your colleague's behaviour and intentions, in a way you wouldn't be with a purely platonic friendship. Here are some examples from the posts you have written:

 

We've met at the skating rink for the past two weekends; first time, he was with his wife and didn't say hi. Second time, he was only with one child and said hi to me, but only when my husband was far away.

 

This morning, he was getting into an elevator and I came out of a room. He said "Hello, M. ( my name) - goodbye, M." He'd said that before, so I joked "Is that your new line?", he said "That's just the way it goes" ( He's VERY senior and busy.)

 

I just walked by his office and he looked at me.

 

Today, he came to my office and sat down - that never happens.

 

Today, I had scheduled an appt for him and reminded him, he said "I'm triple booked but I'll find a way to make it." He raced back to the office from another meeting to make the one I'd scheduled, which I was happy about. I'm not saying it was bc of me, but he usually gets a pass bc he's so senior and so busy.

 

I guess I dont know enough, but I do find myself wondering if he's interested. I caught him looking at me from a distance at the rink, and he was also watching my husband skate ( he's great at it!).

 

The other day he was joking again about how we pass each other all the time, and I said "Yes, and it's not like either one of us is trying to do this, it just happens.". He smiled, looked down at the floor and agreed. It was a different reaction and I picked up on "something".

 

It's because I'm very surprised by my reactions. I mean, I shouldn't care if he's interested or not.

 

Today, I was just talking to him and did the arm touch without meaning to! It was like reflex. I touched his arm while talking. Now I'm freaking out a little.

 

 

4. Your posts are full of pointers towards an affair in the making. You write at length about and analyse interactions you perceive as potentially flirtatious. You periodically try to justify for yourself why these actions are not problematic. And you write much more about your colleague's actions and possible intentions, rather than how to address the issues in your marriage (which surfaced on page 4).

 

 

I think beach summed it up very well, when she said "Ask yourself why it's so important to you that a man simply said "hi" to you?" It seems like you've now identified that he fills a need that your husband isn't filling. The important question is how you deal with that. At the moment, you are switching between denial and inconsistencies, and actually addressing the problem by discussing it with your husband. I think you should expand on the latter, and you also need to set MUCH firmer boundaries at work with your colleague. I'm sure that if you really want, you can pull this through successfully. Good luck with the counselling tomorrow!

Edited December 16, 2014 by denise_xo

[guya]

Wow, great insight, everyone! Thank you for taking the time.

 

Saw my therapist and we established very early on that the guy at work is a distraction - I recently found out that my father is dying of cancer, so this has been a way to cope mentally. I need something to occupy my mind, that is not stressful. Flirting and interacting and feeling wanted by this guy fulfills this need.

 

I also made it clear that I'm doing my best to keep it at a friendship only level. For instance, when he said the other day that we're always passing each other I said "Yes, and it's not on purpose- it just happens." My therapist said "You were acknowledging to him that there is something to keep at bay, and that you're trying to keep it that way". She calls it the push and pull, the attraction that we both feel. It's interesting that I work with other men, similar age and background, with whom I do not bother to check my behavior - there's nohing there with them!

 

She also thought that his reason for not acknowledging me when we first ran into each other was likely his wife's presence - my therapist has Ben hearing all the facets of this for a long time, she knows that there is something between us. But she made sure I wouldn't stop going bc of him, that if I run into him again, I should introduce him to my husband. It was also validation that I'm his "work crush"; it's very unlikely that he would have hesitated to say hi if I'd been one of the guys in the office.

 

All in all, she was ok with me having this as a coping mechanism for now, bc its not interfering with my marriage and it helps me to not be so focused on the situation with my father; but that I should make sure it doesn't go beyond my boundaries. I have huge issues with guilt stemming from a very strict religious background, so adultery would not work in any way...

 

I hope I can continue to come back and ask for your opinion on some of these things!

[BetrayedH]

Guya, I realise some posts here may come across as 'mean', but they are not. It's just that the long timers here have read these kinds of threads a million times before, and they recognise the signs. And those signs are everywhere. I'll list a few of them:

 

1. You start a thread with the question 'is this leading to infidelity?'. When people start threads like that, it's usually for a reason. If the relationship to the colleague was unproblematic, there wouldn't be a need for this thread.

 

2. You're not willing to discuss your relationship to your colleague with your husband. This is a red flag.

 

3. You do appear obsessed about your colleague's behaviour and intentions, in a way you wouldn't be with a purely platonic friendship. Here are some examples from the posts you have written:

 

<snip>

 

4. Your posts are full of pointers towards an affair in the making. You write at length about and analyse interactions you perceive as potentially flirtatious. You periodically try to justify for yourself why these actions are not problematic. And you write much more about your colleague's actions and possible intentions, rather than how to address the issues in your marriage (which surfaced on page 4).

 

 

I think beach summed it up very well, when she said "Ask yourself why it's so important to you that a man simply said "hi" to you?" It seems like you've now identified that he fills a need that your husband isn't filling. The important question is how you deal with that. At the moment, you are switching between denial and inconsistencies, and actually addressing the problem by discussing it with your husband. I think you should expand on the latter, and you also need to set MUCH firmer boundaries at work with your colleague. I'm sure that if you really want, you can pull this through successfully. Good luck with the counselling tomorrow!

 

I think this was the best post on the thread. Affairs don't start with hot and heavy sex and MANY wayward spouses think they'd NEVER violate their own standards. It's almost always a slow and steady crossing of one small boundary after another. You don't think this guy is after an affair. Well, that's how it works. If he was blatant, you'd immediately put up a hard boundary. Instead, the guy keeps putting the opportunity in front of you, showering you with compliments, and fostering an environment where it could happen. In the meantime, he's given you both plausible deniability (even within your own head).

 

Many posters here are trying to warn you because we have seen this pattern time and time again. Yours is a classic example of how a workplace affair begins. It all seems innocent until "it just happened."

 

I'm again going to recommend the book, Not Just Friends.

[guya]

So do you think my boundaries are good enough? I made the comment I mentioned the other day, making it clear that were not running into each other on purpose; I intend to introduce him to my husband if we run into each other this weekend; yesterday we were emailing back and forth with compliments and I stopped replying. What else can I do? I mean, I can't control the times when he walks by my office and stares, or when he's in a conversation with a group and stops me to talk as I'm walking by, or when I'm in his office and he remembers something personal I said 3 months ago and asks for an update... How do I put up boundaries? I still want a professional relationship. Plus, I like our bantering.

[Rainbowlove]

I intend to introduce him to my husband if we run into each other this weekend; yesterday we were emailing back and forth with compliments and I stopped replying. What else can I do? I mean, I can't control the times when he walks by my office and stares, or when he's in a conversation with a group and stops me to talk as I'm walking by, or when I'm in his office and he remembers something personal I said 3 months ago and asks for an update... How do I put up boundaries? I still want a professional relationship. Plus, I like our bantering.

 

Are you going to tell your husband that you compliment each other?

 

Are you going to tell your husband this guy stares at you?

 

Are you going to tell your husband you like this man's banter?

 

C'mon. You are still in a fog.

 

Introducing this man to your husband is a bad idea. It's not going to save you or prove anything to anyone or keep you from engaging inappropriately with this OM.

 

Boundaries? You don't respond to the banter and you don't give each other compliments. You make yourself unavailable except when you have to engage in work and work only stuff. No personal conversations at this point, b/c you've crossed the line and once you do that, it's hard to not give in to temptation.

 

Stay away from him and stop all non-work related conversations.

[denise_xo]

So do you think my boundaries are good enough? I made the comment I mentioned the other day, making it clear that were not running into each other on purpose; I intend to introduce him to my husband if we run into each other this weekend; yesterday we were emailing back and forth with compliments and I stopped replying. What else can I do? I mean, I can't control the times when he walks by my office and stares, or when he's in a conversation with a group and stops me to talk as I'm walking by, or when I'm in his office and he remembers something personal I said 3 months ago and asks for an update... How do I put up boundaries? I still want a professional relationship. Plus, I like our bantering.

 

To the bold, hell no Seriously, absolutely not. And the point that BetrayedH made is really important. Affairs don't start by someone jumping all over each other out of the blue. They emerge from exactly the kind of interactions that you are having with your colleague, where small boundaries are broken each day.

 

Introducing emotional affair-partners to spouses is a typical strategy for people who are trying to convince themselves that nothing is wrong, and that the extramarital relationship is somehow legitimate. It serves as a superficial form of justification: "well, if I can introduce him to my husband, it can't be that bad". What you should do instead is tell your husband what you have told us in this thread, and immediately enforce much stronger boundaries with your colleague:

 

1. No matter how much you like it, CUT all bantering. Completely.

 

2. If he asks you how it's going with X that you mentioned 3 months ago, respond something like "Very well, thanks for asking. Excuse me, but I'm pressed for time and have to finish this report (email, whatever applies)", then look away from him and go back to your work.

 

3. Keep your attention on your own work and stop monitoring the outside of your office for the times he passes by. If you keep your eyes on the screen and papers, you won't notice him walking by.

 

4. Stop all email correspondence that is not work related. As in, do not respond to his emails if the content is not related to work issues. If it's a mix of work and banter, only respond to work issues and ignore the rest.

 

5. If he stops you as he walk by and starts talking about issues not related to work, excuse yourself and say that you need to go to do some work/ talk to someone/ make a phone call/ use the bathroom, whatever.

 

If you follow these rules consistently for a week, this problem should be dealt with. He will understand that there is no further chance of romantic flirtation, and will turn his attention elsewhere.

[redtail]

So do you think my boundaries are good enough?

Actually, your opinion on whether or not your boundaries are good enough is what really matters. What you feel in your heart, that is what's going to determine the outcome of any encounter.

 

While I think your religious back ground is fine, it will not determine your eventual behavior. Many "very religious" types have justified their affairs and many atheists have a strong moral compass and honor their boundaries. So in other words, there is no set formula that keeps you from being any different. Very few people go into a marriage thinking they'll have an affair, and yet affairs are more common than you think. Only you can decide.

[denise_xo]

All in all, she was ok with me having this as a coping mechanism for now, bc its not interfering with my marriage

 

I strongly disagree with this sentiment from your therapist. I think this relationship is very much interfering with your marriage - why would you otherwise hide it from your husband, start forum threads with 'infidelity' in the title, write posts about how your husband and your colleague compare, and tell us that part of the attraction you are feeling towards your colleague is probably down to problems with physical intimacy in your marriage?

[beach]

So do you think my boundaries are good enough? I made the comment I mentioned the other day, making it clear that were not running into each other on purpose; I intend to introduce him to my husband if we run into each other this weekend; yesterday we were emailing back and forth with compliments and I stopped replying. What else can I do? I mean, I can't control the times when he walks by my office and stares, or when he's in a conversation with a group and stops me to talk as I'm walking by, or when I'm in his office and he remembers something personal I said 3 months ago and asks for an update... How do I put up boundaries? I still want a professional relationship. Plus, I like our bantering.

 

No - your boundary is very loose.

 

So loose that you participate with an agenda and personal info.

 

Participate only with business info! That is the way to stay away from an affair.

 

It's up to you to stop making this about any personal interaction.

 

You are there to work - so work! Stick to work only! THAT would look like a healthy boundary between two married people.

 

Every time you obsess about the OM you are disrespecting your husband. Stop doing that.