Is this leading to infidelity? Or am I overreacting

[guya]

REAL beauty = REAL laziness!!

 

I would feel awful with messy hair. Def not in the mood to have sex unless I am physically "well"; this includes all of my waxing done, makeup, hair. I'd feel horrible if those things weren't done. To me, it's like brushing my teeth.

 

Of course I think I'm pretty - but with makeup and hair done, im beautiful! All women look better that way. The ones who claim "natural" status are usually too lazy to do anything to improve themselves. (Since we're all making assumptions, I'm joining the crowd.)

 

Something weird has been happening, though -I'm off this week and do is the guy. I go back to work next Monday... He won't be back until the 5th. I have found myself checking my work email even though my boss told me not to - she said I need to relax completely! But he and I are raging workaholics, so we always commiserate about our spouses not letting us work when we're supposed to be off... Same with my boss.

 

Today, I replied to a group email he was involved in. Just spoke to one person in the group, but I find myself hoping he will reply. How do I make this stop?! I keep counting the days until the 5th.

 

Bashing can start now.

 

(And thank you for the truce, Redtail!)

[Mount]

I dont have particular comment towards OP's post, but by reading all the replies, including the replies to other posters' questions, people keep saying "why not tell your husband....your affair or your interest to another man", "why not tell your wife..." "why not tell this, why not tell that".

 

Are those poster really naive or 3 years old, first of all if people wants to tell their spouse their affairs at first place, she/she will not post here anyway.

 

I dont understand why they always use those "why not tell..." non-sense, as the reality is more complicated. And it is human nature that human hide their flaws, and seal their lips.

 

Also by convincing OP "why not tell spouse" strategy, it is not gonna working anyway.

 

Yes, your obsession with this married OM is bound to lead to infidelity. And yes, you are over reacting.

 

Have you told your husband about your inappropriate interest/neediness with this particular MM?

 

 

Why not just try balancing out your perfect expectations a few times? Practicing contrary action helps people to grow and learn about themselves.

 

Let the hair be messy in the morning - heck, most men love that just took a romp in the hay hair/look. Let yourself sleep and wake up to your husband allowing him to view the natural you. Have messy sex! I mean it - try not worrying about a mess you're making and allow you and your husband to make a fun time of pure freedom. Sleep on the wet spot too! Ahaha!

 

 

It's hitting me in an odd way - that you don't really believe you are pretty so you have this need to do makeup/cover up your natural self.

 

Try it. It will help you learn more about your REAL beauty.

[beach]

Good god - all that perfection in order to have sex= it must be misery for your husband. How boring!

 

Just being honest...

 

 

I wouldn't be surprised if your husband was having fun with someone else (that's not so uptight about perfection in order to have sex).

 

Back on topic - you are "hoping he send an email to you" - just more evidence that you're going to cheat. It's premeditated now...

 

Don't post in a month "it JUST HAPPENED"... It doesn't "just happen" - it starts like this. Go read in the infidelity section. It always starts just the way you are describing.

[Sassy Girl]

Wow, so much to address!! I'll try.

 

 

Beauty

 

 

We can spend the next 100 years discussing this, but what you call "being comfortable in your own skin", to me screams laziness. Can you live with being average and be happy? Good for you. I cannot. I'm not narcissistic or obsessed with my looks bc I take care of myself. People have such low standards for themselves and their mates!! My husband and I are very well-matched in this sense.

 

I get up at 3:45 in the morning to work out. I'm on the treadmill and working out with videos or our mini gym until 5:00. Then I shower, read and have my coffee until my son wakes up. I make breakfast, pack lunches, then my day starts. I do this 6 times a week! If you're happy rolling out of bed, eating sugary cereal and dragging yourself to work, fine... But I would bet you're not the best version of yourself.

 

Beauty is worth fighting for!! There are so many perks! I won't list them all here, but even professionally, it pays to be above average. I was hired for a very visible position, and I beat more qualified candidates. Now, bc of my looks, anytime there is an event dealing with clients or the public, or anything related to the media, my associate who actually has more experience in those areas does not get chosen - I do. Award ceremonies, fundraisers... My boss chooses me to go.(I work for a non-lesbian, btw!) I know my colleague resents me, but beauty is a commodity, like intelligence or a degree from a good university. More exposure for our company means closing better deals, which means I get great numbers... Which means I get a promotion! I was promoted in this job before my 1st year anniversary. Beauty means privilege in every arena. Go ahead, stuff your face and sleep in... But don't hate me for choosing to use my resources. I work for them.

 

The guy at work, for example, has sent very complimentary emails to my boss, associates, and HIS boss - the president of the company. Always some over the top compliment either about how amazing my performance is, or something personal about how my social skills made this or that team project so enjoyable and efficient, etc. I've lost count of how many of these messages he has circulated throughout the organization.

 

We will just have to agree to disagree on the "it's what's on the inside that counts" discussion.

 

You are shallow. You are obsessed with looks and status and title. It's not an endearing characteristic. You can be healthy and attractive and successful without being judgmental or elitist. Those people, the ones with empathy and kindness who treat others as they wish to be treated - those people are normally the best versions of themselves. Their lives are more fulfilling and their relationships more solid and satisfying... Beauty fades, but ugly personalities are there to stay.

 

A good lesson I was once told - Be careful who you walk over on your way to the top. You'll have to meet them again on your way down

[Sassy Girl]

REAL beauty = REAL laziness!!

 

I would feel awful with messy hair. Def not in the mood to have sex unless I am physically "well"; this includes all of my waxing done, makeup, hair. I'd feel horrible if those things weren't done. To me, it's like brushing my teeth.

 

Of course I think I'm pretty - but with makeup and hair done, im beautiful! All women look better that way. The ones who claim "natural" status are usually too lazy to do anything to improve themselves. (Since we're all making assumptions, I'm joining the crowd.)

 

Something weird has been happening, though -I'm off this week and do is the guy. I go back to work next Monday... He won't be back until the 5th. I have found myself checking my work email even though my boss told me not to - she said I need to relax completely! But he and I are raging workaholics, so we always commiserate about our spouses not letting us work when we're supposed to be off... Same with my boss.

 

Today, I replied to a group email he was involved in. Just spoke to one person in the group, but I find myself hoping he will reply. How do I make this stop?! I keep counting the days until the 5th.

 

Bashing can start now.

 

(And thank you for the truce, Redtail!)

'Just ****ed' hair is hot.... Just saying

 

I think I'm pretty, my guy prefers me without the war paint. If you need some spak filler and a trowel to make yourself feel better about yourself, the. I'd say there's something wrong on the inside.

 

Yeah, I wear make up to work... So it's not laziness.... But don't kid yourself that natural beauty is lazy or that it's a myth... It's all in the eye of the beholder... i have a brilliant smile. No amount of make up makes my smile better. And no ones even going to see it if I'm worried about how I look instead of just enjoying and just freaking smiling. Here for a good time,not a long time. Life's too short for hang ups.

[Satu]

'Just ****ed' hair is hot.... Just saying

 

I think I'm pretty, my guy prefers me without the war paint. If you need some spak filler and a trowel to make yourself feel better about yourself, the. I'd say there's something wrong on the inside.

 

Yeah, I wear make up to work... So it's not laziness.... But don't kid yourself that natural beauty is lazy or that it's a myth... It's all in the eye of the beholder... i have a brilliant smile. No amount of make up makes my smile better. And no ones even going to see it if I'm worried about how I look instead of just enjoying and just freaking smiling. Here for a good time,not a long time. Life's too short for hang ups.

 

So true.

 

From my journal:

 

We see what we see because of who we are.

 

What is seen depends on who is looking, why they are looking, and what they are looking for.

[Realist3]

For Christ's sake, how did the dinner rolls turn out?

[AlwaysGrowing]

For Christ's sake, how did the dinner rolls turn out?

 

 

I wonder as well, as mine usually need time to rise...not rest.

 

The meat on the other hand...has to rest.

[asiangirl]

but I find myself hoping he will reply. How do I make this stop?! I keep counting the days until the 5th.

 

I don't want to bash you, I just wonder why you married but mentally you having all kinds of thoughts about your co-worker.

Why you are you counting and waiting the days for a married guy to come back to work?

 

You have a husband who loves you, who take care of the family, who doesn't cheats you both physically and mentally. Why are you not just be happy with your husband?

You know how many womnen out there would love to have a husband like you? There are women right now around the world who are heart-broken, who have their BF dump them, who have their husband cheats on them, etc...

And look at you, you have a nice home, good job, good husband who take care of you and the kids.

 

Why can't you just be happy with your marriage? Why your mind wondering around for your co-worker? What worst is, he MARRIED too!!!

 

I don't know what else to say. Anyone else have advcie for her mind to stop thinking about this married co-worker of hers?

It is not healthy to be thinking about a married man all the times, when you YOURSELF are also MARRIED!

 

And don't be anywhere ALONE with him. With the way you yearning/counting the days he come back from work. I don't think you can control yourself, you will end up sleeping with him

(I know, I know, you say many times you don't have that thoughts)

but you be amaze how temptation can get you when you alone with a man you have this much attraction to.

[guya]

Beach - Your "advice" gets more ridiculous every day... I trust my husband 100%. He spends every bit of his free time with me; we text talk on the phone every day, throughout the day... In 14 years, the man has never worked late, gone out with friends without me or done anything suspicious. I have access to all of his emails, including work - not that I've ever needed to check. Even if none of this were true, I know he'd have a hard time finding someone like me! And this is the truth.

 

So according to your assessment, perfect=no fun?! So it takes being a slob to be fun in bed?! That's ridiculous. And in my experience, judging by the behavior of men around me, it's slobs like you who get cheated on... With girls like me. (I still find it sad that you think waxing means someone is perfect!! Yes, I get Brazilian waxes on a regular basis... That's just basic!! You strike me as one of those women who are capable of having sex without shaving their legs!! It never ceases to amaze me what men have to put up with... And believe me, they all admire and would much rather have a woman who takes care of herself. Unfortunately, lack of discipline tends to spill into other areas of life... Slobs about looks usually have dirty houses and credit card debt!! All of these issues have the same root: people who live according to their feelings. They "feel" like doing this, they don't "feel" like doing that... So many men have to put up with that kind of mediocrity! No wonder they cheat.)

 

What I find really interesting is how women like me usually abhor women like you in real life; it's amazing how it's happening even online! We don't play for the same team, and never will...

 

As for someone else's post... Yes, I am elitist. I also work for a company who serves underprivileged people and that has been very eye opening, but it has definitely delineated the differences in how we live.

 

Yesterday I was again reminded of how well suited my husband and I are for each other: he takes out the trash, and every time he does, he washes the trash can on the inside and on the outside, lol! I have a double pantry with26 labeled categories, so I just silently chuckled when I saw him doing that! We are equally weird and perfectionistic! And this is a GOOD thing.

 

The rolls will be ready later this afternoon! I have a group coming today, and another tomorrow. My tablescape is ready, fridge is clean and full, my prep and task list for both meals is complete. And in case you're wondering, yes, I have an oven schedule!!

Edited December 24, 2014 by guya

[guya]

Asiangirl - You are absolutely right! And thank you for giving advice without needing to bash, it's a welcome change.

 

I have asked myself the same questions. The only conclusion I came to was curiosity. But I honestly don't think that I would risk what I have to satisfy that curiosity! This is why I don't see the guy at work as that much of a threat. Maybe I'd be justified if I had an abusive husband, but I'm married to a man who will literally do anything for me. He is my best friend. He really doesn't deserve even the thoughts I'm having! Even this is already bringing me guilt - imagine if I actually did something with this guy!

 

Which brings me to another question... Is it possible to keep your "relationship" with someone to flirting alone? Or is that impossible? I really enjoy the flirting. Is there any way that it can be harmless? Or does it always have to turn into more?

 

Maybe that's all the guy at work is interested in, too... Just flirting.

[Realist3]

 

Which brings me to another question... Is it possible to keep your "relationship" with someone to flirting alone? Or is that impossible? I really enjoy the flirting. Is there any way that it can be harmless? Or does it always have to turn into more?

 

Maybe that's all the guy at work is interested in, too... Just flirting.

 

It can be whatever you want it to be. Anything is possible. In many cases affairs happen inch by inch, boundaries erode one by one, and eventually you find yourself in an affair without even realizing how it happened. Sure it is possible, but you are playing with fire.

[elaine567]

Asiangirl - You are absolutely right! And thank you for giving advice without needing to bash, it's a welcome change.

 

I have asked myself the same questions. The only conclusion I came to was curiosity. But I honestly don't think that I would risk what I have to satisfy that curiosity! This is why I don't see the guy at work as that much of a threat. Maybe I'd be justified if I had an abusive husband, but I'm married to a man who will literally do anything for me. He is my best friend. He really doesn't deserve even the thoughts I'm having! Even this is already bringing me guilt - imagine if I actually did something with this guy!

 

Which brings me to another question... Is it possible to keep your "relationship" with someone to flirting alone? Or is that impossible? I really enjoy the flirting. Is there any way that it can be harmless? Or does it always have to turn into more?

 

Maybe that's all the guy at work is interested in, too... Just flirting.

 

There is flirting, banter, jokiness, and a bit of innuendo, with guys at work, fair enough. Many if not most women do that at some level. Usually minor but occasionally over the top, so over the top sometimes it is a huge inhouse joke, done for comic effect.

 

But all that flirting is generalised, it doesn't usually involve the woman waiting and hoping for one particular man to walk through the door, send an email, glance in her direction or get back from his holidays.

 

Once the general flirtiness becomes concentrated onto one person, and it is not just some big in-house joke, it is deadly serious, then there is a real problem.

 

You keep mentioning your "wonderful" husband, as if that ever was an insurance against anyone cheating...

[beach]

All of your assumptions about me couldn't be further from the truth.

 

My suggestions were only designed to help you grow by getting you out of your self righteous comfort zone. But I see you turned it all around and made it about me being inferior instead...hmmm.

 

Perfection always fails somewhere - eventually... Yours is showing a tiny crack in your foundation.

 

Best wishes.

[Rainbowlove]

Your hubby hasn't gone out without you in 14 years??!!!!

 

By George, we have the answer...

 

Your husband has low self-esteem and is codependent on you - which is why he is STUCK married to a shallow, narcissistic woman.

 

This is why he puts up with you. He has no outside life. He sees the world through your warped plastic view of the world.

 

My final words...you can't fix crazy.

[Brooke02]

<<Insert barfing sounds here>>

But first let me check my make up.

 

 

So fake.

[redtail]

(And thank you for the truce, Redtail!)

You're welcome, but 24hrs has come and gone.

 

I trust my husband 100%. He spends every bit of his free time with me; we text talk on the phone every day, throughout the day... In 14 years, the man has never worked late, gone out with friends without me or done anything suspicious.

Cool, play your cards right princess, and you could very well have the best of both worlds! Seems fool proof, besides, how could either man possibly do better than you?

[beach]

As you well know by now affairs can be at the workplace (and usually are).

 

So your "theory" of your perfect husband holds no weight.

 

He may be a perfect hubby at home like you are portraying yourself too - but doing whatever is chosen while the spouse isn't present to watch/know.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

What I find really interesting is how women like me usually abhor women like you in real life; it's amazing how it's happening even online!

 

It is amazing. Someone disagreed with your lifestyle choices, and you called her a slob with a messy house and credit card debt whose husband should cheat anyway because she's mediocre and undisciplined. That is not what a mature, reasonable adult would do. That is an insane overreaction. The little smiley faces, no doubt meant to indicate exactly how much this doesn't bother you, just makes it more obvious that you're very upset and deranged.

 

We don't play for the same team, and never will...

 

What are you talking about? What team? What game? You are lashing out like a lunatic at other women for no reason. I have no desire to be on any team you're on. I'm scared you'll leave a dead cat on my doorstep.

 

To be honest, I don't think anything you've talked about in the past few pages is remotely real. The way you've thrown in these details so late in the game suggests you're concocting a story of some type. No, you don't sound so ~amazing~ and ~too perfect to be real~, you just sound like an unintelligent person's idea of what a glamorous city woman must be like. I think you are a middle-aged housewife in the distant suburbs with a couple extra pounds, a battered Michael Kors purse and too much Robert Mondavi in your system. And there is nothing wrong with that. I'm not going to tear you down because of it. I just think you need a new hobby.

[beach]

Why do you keep changing the subject to how perfect you are when we were originally to discuss you plotting to cheat?

[asiangirl]

I think op guya, she telling the true. I think she is a middle-aged woman who is bore of her marrigae, so she finding fun with her co-worker. This is very normal, things like this happen in real life all the times.

 

I live in the ghetto, I have a sh-i-tty job that pay minimum wage/hour and i get sales commission.

I have an abusive mother in my childhood. I'm poor so I don't have money to buy brand names clothes/bags. I wear "On Sale" clothes, I don't wear make up.

All that is true about me, yet there some people in the forum think it a lie, LOL! so you be amaze, lol

[dental]

Interesting thread. Perhaps someone mentioned it before, or not. You say that you are a knockout. How you describe yourself, I believe you. 'A lady in their mid thirties who is fit, takes time to groom properly, wears nice clothes, is, at least in my eyes, very attractive. If I would be your husband of 12 years, no matter what medical condition I would have, I would be all over you all the time, enjoying that luscious body of yours. If the little Willy didn't function, so many other ways to have fun with a wife like you. Now my question is: why doesn't he? In the looks department you are doing everything right, but why the dry spell then? Btw, I'm also a vanilla kind of guy, more comfy than adventurous, more cuddly than high impact, but i would have my priorities straight. Why doesn't he?

[Realist3]

Interesting thread. Perhaps someone mentioned it before, or not. You say that you are a knockout. How you describe yourself, I believe you. 'A lady in their mid thirties who is fit, takes time to groom properly, wears nice clothes, is, at least in my eyes, very attractive. If I would be your husband of 12 years, no matter what medical condition I would have, I would be all over you all the time, enjoying that luscious body of yours. If the little Willy didn't function, so many other ways to have fun with a wife like you. Now my question is: why doesn't he? In the looks department you are doing everything right, but why the dry spell then? Btw, I'm also a vanilla kind of guy, more comfy than adventurous, more cuddly than high impact, but i would have my priorities straight. Why doesn't he?

 

 

Are you offering advice or looking for a date?

[dental]

nudge nudge wink wink. Not this time, too much focus on the I for my taste.

[Appreciate]

OP,

 

Part of you is saying "I'm in control; I'm a strong, attractive woman who has managed well in life. Look at me, look at my husband, my family, etc.". The other part of you is the woman who can get weak in the knees over something new and exciting and wants to lose control. If you begin an affair with this person, those two aspects will struggle inside of you.. you will probably be under the delusion that you can control the affair. You won't be able to and it will wind up disastrous for you and other people involved.

 

Here's the thing you don't understand. You already ARE cheating on your husband. In the emotional sense. Go to the mirror and say to yourself "I am cheating on my husband" and see how that makes you feel. An affair will transform your life, possibly even your entire outlook on life. There are many women who started off like you, who took the dive after the build up to a first kiss. They had conversations with their lover which started with "but I feel so guilty.. I love my husband" etc. They betray their husbands by disclosing personal details of their relationship, and the other man may even think he will be "helping" you in your marriage and you in his. He will reassure you that you're a good person, a good mother and so on. You will both believe this is something you both need, that it can all be contained, that your spouses will never need to know, etc.

 

The end result would be discovery by your husband or OM's wife, or a confession on the part of one of the two of you. Upon revelation, you will most likely blame your husband, saying that he "pushed" you into it, and you will rob him of his manhood, his self-confidence and the vision he has of you as a genuine person who can be counted on. He will blame himself because he did not satisfy you sexually, and you will let him though at the same time feeling pity for him. You will tell him it was more than just about attraction, you may even start to list his faults (which you will magnify during the affair), and you will minimize the reality of the affair. You will lie to your family to save your self-image and your reputation, If you fall in love with your AP (and many women do), it will be a tug of war at your heart like you can't even imagine. It may even change your personality. You will destroy your integrity, your family and your husband -- and I mean completely crush him for months, years, longer -- if you lay with another man. Even a kiss can ruin a marriage, the trust having left the building.

 

Sadly, many WS who start off like you become to resent their husbands (whom they now see as superior to their AP) and glorify the AP. It happens all the time. People start leading a double life and reality flips on its head. You will visit your therapist, complain about your guilt and shame over the affair, but you try to maintain the secure, happy family life and the new passionate workplace affair with this masculine, go-getter man. You're seeing him at this best, in his element. You've already begun the mating dance. You're not seeing him in 360 degrees and 24/7. That's why it is a fantasy.

 

Ask yourself what kind of person betrays the person they claim to love and cherish? Not you, because you're a good person who just has unfulfilled needs? These situations are not shades of grey, they are black and white. From the outside looking in, this is very black and white. You desire another man, and he by all accounts desires you. He is not your friend, he is a powderkeg about to explode. And I don't mean between your legs. I mean your entire life. If you think I'm being dramatic or projecting, I'm not. Many people have travelled down the path you're currently on, and they've started out with this "cognizant denial" as I call it. Their thinking becomes very short-sighted, as yours has become.

 

Their is nothing special about this guy at work. He's simply filling a void in your life, and there are probably dozens of people in the area whom you could be attracted to if you were in the proximity of them to do this mating dance. If you can't fill that void with your husband, the decent thing to do is to divorce your husband and then play the field. But we know you won't do that because you've already indicted that you love your husband and you've got too much at stake.

 

Remember that many affairs follow the same pattern. Isolation - Instigation - Escalation. There will come a point in time when you are alone with this man and one of you will disclose feelings or make a pass or something. It may not even actualize the first encounter, and you may have doubts once confronted with it, but then you will feel like he's the only person you can talk about it with. You may even try to shut it down but find yourself unable to because of the heightened desire. It will make you think about it even more!

 

The point I am trying to make in this long post can be summarized as "you are playing with fire". A fire that can burn your whole house down. I guarantee you that if you tell your husband about this other guy, you will see a 180 from your husband. Will it be sustained? Hard to tell, but if you love your husband you owe that to him. If you don't tell him because you don't want to hurt him, just remember that you will hurt him infinitely worse by having an affair. And you are just a few minutes away in theory from having an affair. It's clear to anyone reading your posts.