Is this leading to infidelity? Or am I overreacting

[Appreciate]

Which brings me to another question... Is it possible to keep your "relationship" with someone to flirting alone? Or is that impossible? I really enjoy the flirting. Is there any way that it can be harmless? Or does it always have to turn into more?

 

Usually not. Not if there is attraction and disclosure, so in your case it's a resounding "NO".

[redtail]

It's clear to anyone reading your posts.

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. The student isn't ready.

[Appreciate]

OP,

 

Have you had vivid sexual thoughts about this man?

Have you fantasized about him while in bed with your husband?

[yakamoz]

Appreciate - I really liked your post. I think I will print it and read it everyday. It may be little too late for me though:-(

OP -Please run. You will lose all your dignity and sanity. You will lose yourself in this. Run while you still can.

[beach]

The fact that you are enjoying his attention and flirting with the OM says more about you than anything - and your lack of being truly happy with yourself and your marriage.

 

If you can admit that you're not so perfect - then you may benefit from telling your therapist that you have these new issues to work on.

[Broom]

Guya, your story sounds a lot like mine. However, I am not as attractive as you describe yourself.

 

Trust me when I say that you are already down the road to something happening. The door is already open, and I'm sure there will be little to no resistance if he decides to walk through.

 

The full opportunity just hasn't presented itself yet, but you are more than willing.

[guya]

Wow, so much time has passed! I got so busy with so much, I haven't had time to stop by...

 

I am amazed by the caliber of answers on this forum! Thank you all so much.

 

I guess it has helped me to keep things in perspective. I still don't think Ive been inappropriate but maybe I should have more forceful responses to his actions. I guess im still torn bc sometimes he does things that make him seem interested, sometimes he doesn't.

 

For example, I know he's super busy right now. So he wrote offering to cook and I sent him some ideas. The potluck isn't for another 10 days but first thing this morning he wrote me saying "I'm going to have to back out of cooking. Too much on my plate right now". I haven't replied. I just think that if he really was interested, he'd find a way to do it. On the other hand, he's being considerate enough to let me know this early... But that's just him being a good person, it doesn't mean he's into me.

 

But anyway, the day is young, so let's seehow all of this unfolds. I don't know why I'm so resistant to believing that he wants an affair.

 

We're both still "dancing". This morning he walked by me. I said nothing. He mumbled my name and stopped midway. I had sent him a curt email after the one where he said he has too much on his plate to cook. I wanted to keep it professional and unemotional, when I usually joke around with him and say something witty. I think we're both trying to keep it at bay. But then he emails me asking me about one of his direct reports and to "keep him informed", which she already does... But we're both being extra polite, so it feels like a step back, which makes me more comfortable.

 

BUT this Monday there's a work party... With plenty of alcohol!! I've been trying on dresses for a week... I keep telling myself there is nothing to expect, and I shouldng even look at him while I'm there, let alone talk.

 

But I am really, really looking forward to it!!

 

(Btw, to the person who implied my husband hadn't taken me out in 14 years... I don't know where that came from. We have a child so we can't do it every week but at least a couple of times a month, we do something alone.)

[Pinklotus]

I don't understand the point of all this.

 

You've established that the two of you have some sort of attraction or flirtation going on.

 

So? Why do you care so much? Why are you spending all this time analyzing it?

 

What would your husband think of all the time you're wondering about this guy, and dressing up for him?

 

Really, it's enough to gag a maggot. You've had so much advice on this thread, you're in therapy, apparently, but you're still overanalysing every single word this guy says.

 

If you value your marriage, you will stop this now.

 

 

Wow, so much time has passed! I got so busy with so much, I haven't had time to stop by...

 

I am amazed by the caliber of answers on this forum! Thank you all so much.

 

I guess it has helped me to keep things in perspective. I still don't think Ive been inappropriate but maybe I should have more forceful responses to his actions. I guess im still torn bc sometimes he does things that make him seem interested, sometimes he doesn't.

 

For example, I know he's super busy right now. So he wrote offering to cook and I sent him some ideas. The potluck isn't for another 10 days but first thing this morning he wrote me saying "I'm going to have to back out of cooking. Too much on my plate right now". I haven't replied. I just think that if he really was interested, he'd find a way to do it. On the other hand, he's being considerate enough to let me know this early... But that's just him being a good person, it doesn't mean he's into me.

 

But anyway, the day is young, so let's seehow all of this unfolds. I don't know why I'm so resistant to believing that he wants an affair.

 

We're both still "dancing". This morning he walked by me. I said nothing. He mumbled my name and stopped midway. I had sent him a curt email after the one where he said he has too much on his plate to cook. I wanted to keep it professional and unemotional, when I usually joke around with him and say something witty. I think we're both trying to keep it at bay. But then he emails me asking me about one of his direct reports and to "keep him informed", which she already does... But we're both being extra polite, so it feels like a step back, which makes me more comfortable.

 

BUT this Monday there's a work party... With plenty of alcohol!! I've been trying on dresses for a week... I keep telling myself there is nothing to expect, and I shouldng even look at him while I'm there, let alone talk.

 

But I am really, really looking forward to it!!

 

(Btw, to the person who implied my husband hadn't taken me out in 14 years... I don't know where that came from. We have a child so we can't do it every week but at least a couple of times a month, we do something alone.)

[guya]

I know, it's really bad. And I feel bad. But it's very distracting and it makes the day go by faster. It's fun being admired - by anyone, but especially by someone I find interesting.

 

My husband would not like it, though, I found out recently. I jokingly showed him a business acquaintance's email complimenting my picture on social media, which was a professional one, and starting a non work conversation using my work email. My husband got angry and said I was "throwing it in his face" that other men find me attractive!! I was dumbfounded. We've always joked about it, that's all I was doing. I think it's bc the age difference between us is really showing now.

 

The guy goes back and forth, though... I made it clear we already had volunteers for the potluck and he still wrote me offering to cook, saying I should tell him what to make and that he "likes a new challenge...". I liked his choice of words, but immediately reprehended myself.

 

The reason I hold on to it is that it is so much FUN to wonder about it. I get bored so easily.

[Rainbowlove]

This is the last thing I'm going to say on any of your posts..

 

You clearly don't want help. You clearly don't want to stop this behavior.

 

You are wasting everyone's precious time by being here.

 

You don't want support. You want to brag about what you're doing.

 

I have no interest in wasting my thoughts and energy on someone who laughs in all of our faces.

Edited January 20, 2015 by Rainbowlove

[mrs rubble]

I know, it's really bad. And I feel bad. But it's very distracting and it makes the day go by faster. It's fun being admired - by anyone, but especially by someone I find interesting.

 

My husband would not like it, though, I found out recently. I jokingly showed him a business acquaintance's email complimenting my picture on social media, which was a professional one, and starting a non work conversation using my work email. My husband got angry and said I was "throwing it in his face" that other men find me attractive!! I was dumbfounded. We've always joked about it, that's all I was doing. I think it's bc the age difference between us is really showing now.

 

The guy goes back and forth, though... I made it clear we already had volunteers for the potluck and he still wrote me offering to cook, saying I should tell him what to make and that he "likes a new challenge...". I liked his choice of words, but immediately reprehended myself.

 

The reason I hold on to it is that it is so much FUN to wonder about it. I get bored so easily.

 

If it's so much fun wondering about what will happen if you carry on obsessing over a married man at work, keep wondering, wonder how his wife will look down her nose or worse if she ever finds out. Wonder about your child and how he/she will feel when your husband and you split up because of this obsession. Wonder how everyone else in the office is going to look at you when they catch on. I doubt you will. I bet you'll just carry on wondering if you're hot enough to score this prize....because this obsession is all about you and only you. I doubt you care about anyone but you.

[Gofsttrnlft]

This is the last thing I'm going to say on any of your posts..

 

You clearly don't want help. You clearly don't want to stop this behavior.

 

You are wasting everyone's precious time by being here.

 

You don't want support. You want to brag about what you're doing.

 

I have no interest in wasting my thoughts and energy on someone who laughs in all of our faces.

 

THIS^^^^^^^^

 

I had hopes for you that the holidays would have brought you to your senses... How wrong I was.

 

Please, stop posting and wasting everyone's time. Use that time to get on with this affair you are having/want to have. I feel so bad for the lives you are going to negatively affect simply because you are to selfish and perfect to have to listen to or answer to anyone but yourself.

[BeatsByDirk]

My time I spend here isn't precious time, it's filler, so let's indulge OP.

 

I myself walk the find line of flirting. It is fun!

 

My wife doesn't really flirt so much but I know she did when I want interested in getting married and she started thinking about moving on.

 

I don't remember how long you said you've been married for but you seem bored and not excited about your relationship with your husband.

 

If you don't think you can rekindle your relationship in a way that you get that excitement that you are craving why not ask your husband if you can open up the relationship in a way that meets your needs. It's not too late renegotiate and save some pain but you also might just be Ina place where you want to feel some angst and this situation feeds that.

[beach]

We obviously had no impact on your original question/info... As you are intent on acting like a schoolgirl with a crush.

 

I feel sad for your unknowing husband. What an unlucky man to be so blind to what you're doing behind his back.

[WhiteWingedDove]

 

The OP must be a troll. I cannot believe someone could be quite this.... well, I think words best fail me, here!

[guya]

You guys take everythibg so seriously! Like its some big life changing experience that after 12 years of marriage I find someone attractive. At least once in a while, someone understands the nature of this - yes, I am bored. And this is fun. I'm not laughing in anyone's face - I simply disagree with the level of seriousness all of you attribute to this. I've never even gone out with the guy, not even close. Sometimes I don't even know if I'm really attracted to him or not... I used to work with a guy who was gorgeous from head to toe - that one was dangerous!! This guy is no j. ( the one from the past. So I feel pretty secure.

 

I like posting things bc it helps me to process it. Plus, it's fun speculating about his behavior!

 

he emailed me to talk about his direct report, asking "Just wanted to make sure she checked in with you on needs? Let me know".

 

I wrote back explaining the direct report had, listed the items, then asked "Anything we didn't cover?". He wrote "You got it.. Keep me in the loop". She wrote back "Always! :)"

 

Today, Iupdated him again - without adding the other girl - and he once again asked her to keep him in the loop. I wrote "I'm trying! I'll keep emailing bc you're always running somewhere else! :)" He just replied "yes"

 

I'm wondering why he wouldn't check with his direct report directly? He had been training her to deal with My dept directly so the direct report could learn, now he's coming to me himself and leaving the direct report out of the loop (the email was to me only).

 

Am I right to think this is about having more contact? He was complaining the other day about not seeing her that much! But then again, it could just be a way to micromanage his direct report without openly doing it...

[jbrent890]

You do know the #1 reason listed for having an affair is boredom. This only reason this hasn't gone full blown is because the OM hasn't taken it there yet. Emphasize on the "yet." Stop lying to yourself. The moment this guy realizes you have feelings for him, he is going to take it there. And what's sad is that you want it to go there. The only person that is going to get hurt in this is your husband. But let me guess, what he doesn't know won't hurt him. Why don't you start reading some threads in the infedility and OM/OW section. Better yet, start posting in both. I told you before, crushes are fine. Heck my wife knows about mine, but that's just it, my spouse knows. You don't want to tell your husband because you know it will upset him and that this is more than a little crush. Also, you don't want this to end. You would cheat on your husband with this man if given the opportunity and you know it. Please stop wasting everyone's time. I give it a couple of months before this goes full blown.

[Lion Heart]

What can I say? Ewwww.... lots!

I've read every line of advice and skimmed your updates guya because by page 2 I read one of your comments to my husband, guya, sitting next to me on our new lounge (reasons why this is relevant may surface later). And he said :she's already having an affair".

 

LS people were trying to help you see what you were doing. You ignored advice. I've gotten to the end of the ridiculous circus in your life and it's just sad.

 

There's just SO much I want to say but you just won't accept any help. We know how this ends. We can see where it's going and alot of us were "freaking out" trying to help you. I just think you used even this forum to try and muster attention and hoped for even some compliments?

 

You won't do it but I'm gonna give you my advice bc that's why you came here isn't it??? It may help a much more motivated, less selfish person have introspection.

 

1. Give your husband your user name here, let him read your thread and let him really know who he's married to. (Yes he's gonna be REALLY UPSET but it sure beats a PA in a minute). My husband does read my threads BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING I DISCUSS ABOUT MY THOUGHTS WITH ANYONE ELSE OUTSIDE MY MARRIAGE THAT I HAVENT ALREADY DISCUSSED WITH HIM BEFORE. That's honesty, faithfulness and respect for the man I married. Hope for our future marriage together. Yours only has fake hope because you are lying and deceiving him and now your marriage is based on pretense.

 

2. Your husband isn't attracted to you anymore. He may have fallen in love with you, may still "love" you but it's pretending now for both of you. He has the energy to work hard but can only pleasure his 'beautiful' wife 5 times in 1 year??? He's trying to keep up the charade of a perfect family just like you are. I'd say that sex with you is tiresome because you also need THAT part to be perfect. Crikeys if I wore makeup before our love making it'd be all over my face and his body by the end! Bit messy!

Love is a verb. Feeling then acting. He might be feeling??? Maybe but he's not acting (sex toys with you as mentioned earlier). Viagra etc. Yep, no he's just not that into you anymore.

 

3. Get a new therapist. Your present one is not skilled enough. When you find your more highly qualified and experienced psychologist and psychiatrist (that's what you need IMO) give them your user name here so they can get an honest picture of you real fast. That's if you're brave enough or if everything you've written is true? I'd do it in a heart beat because I only seek therapy when I need it do deal with crises. I don't have a standing appt weekly because I'd see that practice in myself as needing more honest friends! (Funny thing you don't mention your friends in your thread).

 

4. Have you bothered to read other threads in the infidelity section? We can answer that. We can tell you haven't studied those threads because if you had? Your behaviors would have changed when it was first suggested.

Briefly: wives try for reconciliation far far more than husbands do after their spouses were revealed as cheaters. You would forgive your husband? Inheritance is a factor but what for? A better sex life?

BUT WOULD HE FORGIVE YOU?? I strongly doubt it. Maybe he wanted a virgin. Another man would have been there. ..

 

You're a train out of control and heading for a cliff real fast. Check your make up on your way over. I'm done here too.

 

LH

[Got it]

You guys take everythibg so seriously! Like its some big life changing experience that after 12 years of marriage I find someone attractive. At least once in a while, someone understands the nature of this - yes, I am bored. And this is fun. I'm not laughing in anyone's face - I simply disagree with the level of seriousness all of you attribute to this. I've never even gone out with the guy, not even close. Sometimes I don't even know if I'm really attracted to him or not... I used to work with a guy who was gorgeous from head to toe - that one was dangerous!! This guy is no j. ( the one from the past. So I feel pretty secure.

 

I like posting things bc it helps me to process it. Plus, it's fun speculating about his behavior!

 

he emailed me to talk about his direct report, asking "Just wanted to make sure she checked in with you on needs? Let me know".

 

I wrote back explaining the direct report had, listed the items, then asked "Anything we didn't cover?". He wrote "You got it.. Keep me in the loop". She wrote back "Always! :)"

 

Today, Iupdated him again - without adding the other girl - and he once again asked her to keep him in the loop. I wrote "I'm trying! I'll keep emailing bc you're always running somewhere else! :)" He just replied "yes"

 

I'm wondering why he wouldn't check with his direct report directly? He had been training her to deal with My dept directly so the direct report could learn, now he's coming to me himself and leaving the direct report out of the loop (the email was to me only).

 

Am I right to think this is about having more contact? He was complaining the other day about not seeing her that much! But then again, it could just be a way to micromanage his direct report without openly doing it...

 

Okay, then I will concede that point.

 

So then I will say your life is infinitely boring to ascribe this level of energy and attention to such mundane, minute actions or inactions. Seriously? Just work and stop trying to read into things. Maybe pick up a hobby.

[dental]

From your own words you sound to me like a 15 year old. You feel genuinely happy with the attention from your colleague. I'm truly sorry if this sounds harsh but words like infantile and childish come up. I notice also from the tone of the reactions irritation and annoyance. You seem to bring this out in the people here. The dynamic of your post is IMO attention seeking (childish) and not managing a situation (adult). Perhaps a different site caters to your needs better.

[guya]

I don't mind being childish about certain things, it keeps life interesting!!

 

And in addition to my colleague not taking things there yet, I'm not taking things there either... I don't feel I have to. My husband has really listened to me about the sex, things have improved greatly!! I like it better when he initiates, which he has... We had two weeks off over the holidays and he was like a different man! We even had sex during the day, which almost never happens. The times we haven't done has been bc of me. So I attribute the lack of sex last year not only to his illness, but to stress at work. And he just got promoted again, which is awesome! But he has a very demanding job. He has been he same sexually since we got married and started having sex; it has nothing to do with his level of attraction. The one thing I'll have to do is to initiate more, which is not my favorite thing... But it would make him feel wanted, so I'm willing. I'm much happier with our sex life now!

 

I think this is why this other guy has become so much less important - it still keeps things at work lively, but I'm not pursuing it in any way. This is why I think yo guys are seriously overreacting! And I honestly think that he probably does know we're both attracted, and like me, he hasn't acted on it bc he doesn't want to. My husband is still my best friend, sex or no sex. Our marriage is so much deeper than that.

[Got it]

I don't mind being childish about certain things, it keeps life interesting!!

 

And in addition to my colleague not taking things there yet, I'm not taking things there either... I don't feel I have to. My husband has really listened to me about the sex, things have improved greatly!! I like it better when he initiates, which he has... We had two weeks off over the holidays and he was like a different man! We even had sex during the day, which almost never happens. The times we haven't done has been bc of me. So I attribute the lack of sex last year not only to his illness, but to stress at work. And he just got promoted again, which is awesome! But he has a very demanding job. He has been he same sexually since we got married and started having sex; it has nothing to do with his level of attraction. The one thing I'll have to do is to initiate more, which is not my favorite thing... But it would make him feel wanted, so I'm willing. I'm much happier with our sex life now!

 

I think this is why this other guy has become so much less important - it still keeps things at work lively, but I'm not pursuing it in any way. This is why I think yo guys are seriously overreacting! And I honestly think that he probably does know we're both attracted, and like me, he hasn't acted on it bc he doesn't want to. My husband is still my best friend, sex or no sex. Our marriage is so much deeper than that.

 

Really? Hmmm. . . . I don't think we could tell. You sure the little fantasy isn't as important as before? Seems to be still consuming similar energy and time.

[atreides]

I have not read the whole of this thread so forgive if this is repeated.

 

Guya, by simply posting this thread, you made it more than it should be which means it is more than it should be.

If this were just simple flirting or an innocent flirt this thread would be moot.

 

By simply asking, it denotes confusion which should not be nor should the fantasy be indulged.

So to answer your question " Is this leading to infidelity? Or am I overreacting", yes it can very likely lead to infidelity, it is very clear that you enjoyed the flirt and want it in some way to go forward.

 

But you already knew that.

[thirtysomethingteen]

I'm in the minority, but I don't see any danger of infidelity here...mainly because I sincerely doubt this man spends 1/1000th of the time thinking of the OP that she spends obessively thinking of him.

 

Sheesh, based on those "exciting" "flirty" email exchanges I can only surmise that every single colleague and client I have ever emailed back and forth with must be in love with me and/or trying to start an affair with me. Wow, who knew?!

 

Perhaps the OP should channel her highly overactive imagination into writing Harlequin romances, though she might need some spicier content than these mundane workplace exchanges.

[CarrieT]

You guys take everythibg so seriously!

That's because we have been here long enough to see this playing out the same way over-and-over-and-over and it usually never ending well.

 

Look, OP, you came here for a reason. And lots of us have offered advise because have been in your shoes, been the spouse of someone who has gone through what you are going through, or have been the object of someone's affection.

 

And you are ignoring our advice so prepare to suffer the consequences.