Is this leading to infidelity? Or am I overreacting

[guya]

I love therapy so I've been going for a long time. My therapist has also seen my husband and I together for these and other issues. I haven't been going thee with him bc I'm so tired. I've always been more sexual than him, so that's always been a problem. I have learned to accept him the way he is, but I had never counted on feeling this way or needing another man's attention.

 

We do need another conversation, bc this is too much. I am not going to tell him about everything I've said on here, there's no point in making him insecure when this guy probably doesn't want anything to happen. I would never come in to him even if I wanted an affair, so this is a moot point.

[denise_xo]

I love therapy so I've been going for a long time. My therapist has also seen my husband and I together for these and other issues. I haven't been going thee with him bc I'm so tired. I've always been more sexual than him, so that's always been a problem. I have learned to accept him the way he is, but I had never counted on feeling this way or needing another man's attention.

 

We do need another conversation, bc this is too much. I am not going to tell him about everything I've said on here, there's no point in making him insecure when this guy probably doesn't want anything to happen. I would never come in to him even if I wanted an affair, so this is a moot point.

 

If this guy wanted something to happen, would your conversation with your husband be different?

[guya]

No, I would still mention the sex issues. The guy doesn't want anything to happen. I don't know if I understood your question.

[redtail]

The guy doesn't want anything to happen.

 

As a guy, and from what you've been saying, I'd be willing to bet the house that this is not the case.

[Davey L]

 

That just happened...

 

Agreed - I noticed that too.

 

It's easy to start heading down this route when you are sex-deprived. I have some sympathy, or perhaps empathy would be a better word, as I have found myself heading the same way when there has been little sex at home. The last time I felt myself heading towards an inappropriate relationship I forced myself to address the problem at home. It worked, we had more sex and I felt more closely bonded with my wife. That in turn helped me keep things at a more appropriate level with the other woman and avoid getting tempted into an affair.

 

We don't know the details of why sex is limited fo OP here. But perhaps there are things they can do together, both sexual and non-sexual, to help her to become better bonded to her husband?

 

I won't be judgemental here. I know how easy it can be to get into an affair in a series of many tiny steps. I am very bad at maintaining proper boundaries and I know how innocent it all seems at the beginning. But I do hope OP manages to see some sense and stop her silliness.

[Satu]

Rule #1:

 

Never do anything that you feel will bad about doing later.

 

If you do something you know you'll feel bad about later, it's an offense against your own integrity.

 

Be careful.

[guya]

But can this really count as an affair if nothing has happened? Even when we both disclosed more than we should, it never went beyond that. He told me once that his wife wasn't talking to him, I told him that I was tired of hiding that I was working while on vacation from my husband, he complained his wife cut him off from work when he was off too... But that's all they were, comments. We've never gone anywhere alone together.

 

Today, he came to my office and sat down - that never happens. I just think that a man interested in an affair would act differently. I even went as far as copying my husband on a football poll email for which he had done my picks, and I won. The guy was part of the group; I wrote that my husband was already perfect in so many ways, that he could now add football picks to his list of many talents. I think I've gone out of my way to show I have a good husband. Is this not enough?

 

The guy did have a reaction the other day when I said my reason for learning how to skate was so that my husband and I could do it together during our lunch hour, he works close by. The guy's demeanor changed. He smiled uncomfortably and looked away. I don't know why I picked up on that, but I did.

 

I guess I'm trying to maintain as much of our current professional relationship as I can, without becoming overly alarmed. We have never gone out for coffee or anything, is what we've done so bad?

[redtail]

But can this really count as an affair if nothing has happened? (yet)

 

Look, its not us you have to convince. Really, most affairs, if not all, start out as emotional affairs, just like yours. I'm convinced at this point, from what you've been divulging, you are in an emotional affair. It is consuming you and you can not see your way out.

 

As I said before, only you can talk yourself out of taking the next step, if that's what you want.

 

Consider your priorities, I don't know what they are, but if you search your feelings, you do. You can rationalize any behavior, staying as well as cheating.

[Rainbowlove]

You are not really listening to anyone here.

 

All you are doing is listing behaviors and what I really think you are looking for from us is to validate yes, he wants you.

 

That's the vibe I'm getting here now.

[denise_xo]

I guess I'm trying to maintain as much of our current professional relationship as I can, without becoming overly alarmed. We have never gone out for coffee or anything, is what we've done so bad?

 

It's a bit of a cliché, but I think it's useful: if you feel comfortable telling your husband what you have told us, you haven't done anything wrong. If you feel you have to hide it from him, there's a problem.

 

I agree with redtail that it's obvious that you're emotionally involved. If you weren't, I don't think you would have started this thread in the first place. But like he said, it doesn't really matter to us whether you're emotionally involved or not. We're just internet strangers. It's yourself you have to be honest with. If you're convinced that neither you nor your colleague feel any kind of interest in each other, then just close the thread and move on with your life.

[beach]

By focusing so much in every little things this OM says and does = is completely disrespectful to your husband.

 

You know it, we see it - we have said it - YET you keep thinking it's ok.

 

It is NOT ok.

 

You know it.

 

 

Or you wouldn't be here making such a big deal about almost nothing.

 

This nothing is something - you are actively pursuing an affair - that is what the deal is.

[elaine567]

I don't know if this man sees you as a love interest, a potential OM, a friend, a good work colleague or just a friendly face at work.

 

The problem here is that YOU, as a married women, are obsessed by him, and for that reason, YOU need to step back here in order to save your marriage.

 

WS often bring up the OM/OW or the potential OM/OW in "normal" conversation with their BS, because they are so enamoured, they have to share that with someone, and that someone close is often the BS.

Here you are doing it with us on the forum, you are telling us all about him.

 

Wake up!

[beach]

Yes! It will lead to infidelity - by the way you are participating.

 

Do you INTEND to have an affair with this OM? Be honest.

[guya]

No, I do not intend to have an affair. Here's the main issue: I'm an attractive woman. I know it, other people know it. I'm used to getting male attention, my husband is used to it too. But it has never been an issue. This hasn't been about whether he has interest in me; it's about whether he would pursue something with me. I don't think he would, I don't know his reasons.

 

I also don't know if the way he acts is inappropriate bc men are always "nice" to me; in other words, they always give me special treatment, so I have difficulty differentiating their usual behavior from the behavior of a man looking for an affair. That's why I said it's hard for me to see pitfalls. I don't need validation that he wants me; I don't think he wants an affair.

 

Plus, I'm not "obsessed" I am concerned that my feelings have been changing, and I feel that his behavior is; I don't know what his feelings are. I don't think this is harmless now, but I don't know if it warrants telling my husband! He would say, at most, that I've been feeling neglected and enjoying the attention. I've had men interested in me before, and that was always my husband's response. He trusts me.

 

I don't want to have to treat the guy differently! Just now I got a very nice email from him thanking me for something at work, which is something he doesn't do for everyone; more special treatment. I liked it, but have not replied. I think he sees me as someone who is happily married so he is very subtle. But there's something there nonetheless.

 

And yes, I am listening to everyone - it's just very helpful to me to sort out all the behaviors and express things that are only in my head. People who don't enjoy reading about other people's thoughts and feelings shouldn't exactly be on an advice forum! Thanks to all of you who have tried to help.

[spanz1]

sure it is exciting to flirty, to fantasize about possible encounters, maybe even to fantasize about sex with this guy.

 

 

But consider the alternative! try to make the sex life and romance with your husband even MORE exciting and kinkier. You do not have to stand for boring "married" love making. Swing by fredricks of Hollywood and buy something so sexy you would never have thought about wearing it in front of your husband. Order some new sex toy from the adam and eve shop--again something that dictates a sex act you have never tried before.

 

 

Then go home, seduce your husband, and have wild memory-forming sex all night long.

 

 

See if THAT makes your flirting with this married man at work seem a little childish and lackluster!

[guya]

Trust me, my husband is not that kind of man. I have tried everything you mentioned, more than once. He's very vanilla. I'm the exact opposite.

[redtail]

No, I do not intend to have an affair.

 

Good post Guya, you obviously have put considerable thought in to it.

 

I'm wondering though, since you seem to be "used to male attention", what's different about the attention this time? Seems as though his attention has caused a flicker of intrigue that may be causing conflicting emotions in you.

 

Which is okay, in every marriage there are highs and lows, but you have also pigeon holed your husband as a man that lacks the romance that you seem to be missing. So you feel that there is no possibility of "excitement" at home, vanilla as you say.

 

Those feelings don't go away just because you deny them, or because you wear a wedding ring. I think this may be the tip of an emotional iceberg that maybe you might want to consider addressing sooner rather than later, if you want to stay married to the same man.

 

Just food for thought...

Edited December 16, 2014 by redtail

[Rainbowlove]

While you say you don't intend to have an affair, I can tell you that many of us here also did not intend to have an affair. Yet, we found ourselves there anyway.

 

Your actions are painting a different picture. You are intrigued and obsessed with this OM. Why? It's not bc you don't want to treat him differently.

 

I'm all for supporting people here. I do that quite a bit, part of that is calling each other out and digging at the truth - the hard truth.

 

I'm not here to stroke anyone's ego or to sugar coat anything and I'm still supporting you. Be careful.

 

I would tell your husband. I made the mistake of not confiding in my spouse and thought I could handle it. I failed. You can, too.

[jackslife]

In the year of 2014, I have had sex exactly 5 times. ... this change has been physically and emotionally crushing.

 

And there it is!

 

This is what you need to discuss with your husband. Once this sexual incompatibility time bomb hits a marriage, it's a matter of time before it goes off. The guy at work has got into your head because of this.

 

This is (one of the reasons) why people have affairs, this is often the reason for real misery and unhappiness in a marriage. A good sex life with your spouse is the physical representation of your love. When it stops or decreases, it can lead to lack of self confidence, resentment and often an affair.

 

Your husband wanted and married a beautiful, younger woman. You need to tell him to get his **** together and start looking after you in that area or you'll go elsewhere. Emotionally you have started, it will follow on physically as sure as night follows day.

 

Changing jobs won't help because the problem remains the same. If you had sex with your hubby 5 times in 2014, you'll be lucky to get it 3 times in 2015. This is what needs to be addressed. Forget telling your H about the dude at work.

 

This is the issue here!

 

If you and your husband do not resolve it your marriage will be in serious trouble.

[guya]

Thank you for the insight, very helpful.

 

My husband mentioned this morning that I was cranky, so I said "I wonder why! I've only had sex 5 times in 2014!" At first he disagreed, saying it couldn't possibly have been so few times. I know I'm right, so I told him very clearly that we need to do something about it. He was very apologetic, said he will try harder, explained again what the illness does... I know all of these things. But even before the illness, he was a once a week kind of guy. I was a virgin when I married him, and I have always been sexually starved. I want different places, acts, etc. He "indulges" me for a while, then goes back to his regular behavior. After 12 years, I'm tired. So I have learned to accept him. But I never counted on feeling this way about someone else.

 

Ending my marriage is not an option. I have a small child, my husband and I are very financially secure, and because of certain circumstances in my husband's family, my son will be the sole heir to a great deal of money. I leave and my husband has another child with someone else, my son would be impacted. Sex or no sex, I'm staying. I have more than myself to think about.

 

I've been thinking a lot about why this guy is different. I think it's his personality; I consider my husband to be more physically attractive. This guy and I have had to work closely together despite his much higher position, and he's a very take charge kind of person. I'm as straight as they come, and I despise feminine qualities in a man! This guy is very masculine. I was instantly attracted to that. He is also very complimentary of me. I won't take the time to go over them here, but it has ranged from gushing comments to my company's CEO, my boss, his boss... To personal comments about my personality, skills (like cooking), and other things... The more appreciative he acts, the more I take notice. I have a big ego... I'm working on it.

 

I just replied to his email from yesterday thanking him for showing appreciation, since so many people either lack this ability or don't take the time to do it... I meant it, but I'm also looking forward to his reply... To seeing if there will be one. I keep craving more contact, while at the same time trying to focus on desiring my husband.

[anne1707]

Your focus is so wrong if you mean it when you say you don't want an affair. This man's motives, reasons, desires, etc. are not relevant or important. It's YOUR motives, reasons, desires, etc. that count. If he wants an affair and you are genuinely not interested then there is no problem. If however you are excited by the idea, different story completely.

 

 

What do you really want to do and is that the same as are you going to do?

[guya]

What I really want is a physical relationship with someone who enjoys it as much as I do. That person has not been my husband so far. I want it to be him. Of course I'm excited by the idea of this guy; if feels good to feel wanted by someone that I admire. I'm very picky about men I find attractive; it's almost impossible for me to find them appealing, but it's different this time. On the other hand, an affair would be wrong because it would hurt my beliefs. Affair equals lack of integrity, in my opinion, even when all the reasons are present. Plus, it would be too mentally taxing; I've always done everything right! I waited for marriage and didn't sleep around, I don't curse, get drunk, smoke, do drugs, etc. I have done everything I can to live with integrity. An affair - sex with someone outside of marriage - would not be in line with my self-concept.

[Rainbowlove]

I keep craving more contact, while at the same time trying to focus on desiring my husband.

 

Do you even realize how dangerous this thought pattern is? No, you do not.

 

You think you are infallible to an affair. You are in EXCUSE making mode. Telling us how much better you are than an affair and why it cannot happen b/c of money etc...ugh.

 

I'm annoyed by you, honestly. At this point, I feel bad for your husband for being married to someone so selfish. Here he is with a physical ailment and you are only thinking about YOU...but wait...YOU and your son's MONEY.

 

Do you even hear yourself??

[elaine567]

What I really want is a physical relationship with someone who enjoys it as much as I do. That person has not been my husband so far. I want it to be him. Of course I'm excited by the idea of this guy; if feels good to feel wanted by someone that I admire. I'm very picky about men I find attractive; it's almost impossible for me to find them appealing, but it's different this time. On the other hand, an affair would be wrong because it would hurt my beliefs. Affair equals lack of integrity, in my opinion, even when all the reasons are present. Plus, it would be too mentally taxing; I've always done everything right! I waited for marriage and didn't sleep around, I don't curse, get drunk, smoke, do drugs, etc. I have done everything I can to live with integrity. An affair - sex with someone outside of marriage - would not be in line with my self-concept.

 

OK so you need to either seriously make it up with your husband, go to MC/IC, and forget all this stuff in your head about your co worker, or tell your husband your marriage is over, because you are finding other men more attractive than him.

Is it fair to keep him hanging on when you are not physically attracted to him and you two are not sexually compatible?

 

You are having an EA, that can only lead to trouble here.

[xxoo]

Speaking to your ego--this guy at work is flattering the heck out of you. He sees you as an easy target. It's not really that much of an ego feed to be hit on by a man who is too scared to talk to you when his wife is next to him. It's about HIS ego.

 

Tell your husband that you feel very vulnerable to flattery from other men. Tell him you're struggling and need sex and romance from him. Manage the situation, instead of hoping it won't lead to infidelity (as if you have no control over the outcome!)