Is this leading to infidelity? Or am I overreacting

[elaine567]

It is -

perfectly possible for a married woman to banter with a man at work,

perfectly possible to go for coffee,

perfectly possible to have in depth talks about work and personal matters,

- and all there is at the end of the day is friendship and camaraderie between co workers.

 

Boundaries can be pretty fluid, if there is genuinely no sexual or emotional attraction or attachment.

 

BUT the big difference here is that YOU are emotionally involved with this man, you are obsessed with his actions, his words, his body language in fact everything he does seems in your head anyway to be pointing to more than just camaraderie.

It is for that reason you need to cut this dead and concentrate solely on your work, whenever he is around.

 

YOU cannot trust yourself to be close to him and I am sure if he happened to up his interest, and actually touched you, you would be putty in his hands.

 

Due to the situation with your husband, any sign of real attention here from this man (despite what you say about your religion), will end up with you taking this a lot further than you could ever imagine now.

[guya]

That's a lot of food for thought, so thank you. My therapist knows that the intimacy issues won't be resolved overnight, and that there are health issues as well. She has also seen my and my husband for marital counseling so she knows how emotionally strong our marriage is. I need a des treason mentally and this has been serving me well. I like thinking about someone wanting me. It's fun, something my husband and I don't get that often.

 

Here is the real issue and why I'm hesitant to step back from my friendship with him: if he was interested in an affair, he would have acted on it. He would have asked me out or something. We have flirted quite a bit, I have complained about my husband, he has complained about his wife. All the pieces are there. I know he's attracted, but he really doesn't strike me as someone who would act on it. Plus, I think he has tried to step back too, so he's resisting. We had a holiday party I planned that he and his direct report were unable to attend bc they were out of town together. I texted pictures of everyone to both of them, no reply. She called me the next day to thank me; he said nothing. We were talking a few days later and I said "Did you get the pictures?", he said yes, and that was it. If he wanted an affair, he would have continued the texting, so I don't think he poses any danger.

 

Is it impossible to have friends of the opposite sex without acting on the attraction?

 

And yes, I will get the book suggested about this.

[guya]

I just read the last post and as soon as I read that if he touched me, I'd be putty in his hands, my first reaction was "Yuck! No." How is this possible?! I don't want to have sex with him, it's a different kind of attraction.

[Rainbowlove]

If you follow these rules consistently for a week, this problem should be dealt with. He will understand that there is no further chance of romantic flirtation, and will turn his attention elsewhere.

 

If he's brazen enough, he will ask you why you stopped talking to him so abruptly and what's wrong.

 

You'll need a plan, which could be the truth. You realized your conversations were inappropriate and disrespectful to both your spouses and families and you need to practice healthy boundaries from here on out and ask him to respect that.

[redtail]

if he was interested in an affair, he would have acted on it.

So not true, no offense, but your naivete' is showing. As others have said, all the signs are there, the emotional affair has started, the circumstances just haven't presented themselves.

 

Is it impossible to have friends of the opposite sex without acting on the attraction?

For some, yes it is possible, for others no, the sexual tension gets in the way.

[guya]

People, this is horrible! Today has been difficult. We both have been running around, in and out of meetings, both came in late... So we barely had time to see each other. I was walking by his office as he was leaving... He stopped me and said "Hey! I cooked today..." (Upper management had a potluck, he had cooked for me before... Long story.) I said "You did?!" Pause. "I'm jealous..." Now, what I really meant is that I wished I could have eaten his food. Maybe he thought it was bc I wanted to cook. Either way, he said, kind of sheepishly "It happens..."

 

We have been SO awkward around each other. He was showing off by saying he had cooked - he knows I love his food -, but we both have been looking for things to say and getting tongue-tied.

 

I guess I still hope that everything is ok and nothing has changed since we saw each other outside of work. I keep hoping that we can remain "friendly" and that there aren't any issues and the attraction isn't mutual.... I'll post more tonight when I have some time. Thank you!!

[Rainbowlove]

I have no more words...

 

Over and out.

[redtail]

People, this is horrible!

 

Tell me you're not a troll!

 

Troll (Internet) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[Brooke02]

People, this is horrible! Today has been difficult. We both have been running around, in and out of meetings, both came in late... So we barely had time to see each other. I was walking by his office as he was leaving... He stopped me and said "Hey! I cooked today..." (Upper management had a potluck, he had cooked for me before... Long story.) I said "You did?!" Pause. "I'm jealous..." Now, what I really meant is that I wished I could have eaten his food. Maybe he thought it was bc I wanted to cook. Either way, he said, kind of sheepishly "It happens..."

 

We have been SO awkward around each other. He was showing off by saying he had cooked - he knows I love his food -, but we both have been looking for things to say and getting tongue-tied.

 

I guess I still hope that everything is ok and nothing has changed since we saw each other outside of work. I keep hoping that we can remain "friendly" and that there aren't any issues and the attraction isn't mutual.... I'll post more tonight when I have some time. Thank you!!

 

Why OP? Why do you hope that?

Your the one wanting the affair.

 

Eeew, another poster mentioned "sex with him, I don't like him like that"

You do realize you've already cheated on your husband, your obsession with another man, the flirting & you wouldn't tell your hubby any of this.. Thats cheating. Emotional affair.

[Striver]

I just read the last post and as soon as I read that if he touched me, I'd be putty in his hands, my first reaction was "Yuck! No." How is this possible?! I don't want to have sex with him, it's a different kind of attraction.

 

Soon you will want to have sex with him. Or it will "just happen." For God's sake, wake up and don't ruin your life.

[beach]

Yes, you are over reacting. Plain and simple.

 

 

 

But... Be careful - you may not think you want to have sex now - but if you continue making something out of this nothingness you will end up having sex with him - and you stand to lose a LOT! Your job, your family and maybe even friends.

 

Think hard on it NOW! IF you don't intend to have an affair then start avoiding any contact with him. You have your whole life as you know it to lose.

[Realist3]

This thread makes no sense whatsoever, OP. Just read over your posts.

 

But I never counted on feeling this way about someone else.

 

If he wanted an affair, he would have continued the texting, so I don't think he poses any danger.

 

Danger????

 

Try harder next time.

[guya]

Wow, so much has happened, I don't even know where to start. I was just doing some venting and I'm accused of being a troll? I'm working on my marriage but I still need to interact with him on a daily basis. I can't just break off the relationship like this. But I am making an effort to only discuss work issues. It's so hard!!

 

He came into my office this morning. I have a few tongue-in-cheek wall hangings, some about coffee, others about baking, and one about vegetarians, since I am one - it's supposed to be funny. It says "Vegetarians... They're delicious!"

 

He read that one, looked at me, smiled and said "With this one... I agree wholeheartedly!!". I said nothing!! I didn't know what to say. The tone he used was different. I smiled and went back to the work issue we were discussing.

 

Then he gave me a box of cookies with a card, which he only did for 2 other people in the office ( the other two were directors, I'm lower). I said "Did you and your wife bake these?" He said "Why do people always question my abilities in the kitchen?". Lol. He did not answer it... We have over 15 ppl in this office, he only gave 3 gifts...

 

Now I'm a little freaked out. Am I reading too much into the "delicious" comment? My husband would be livid if I told him.

[Realist3]

Just have the affair already. You know you want it, but be prepared to change jobs when it goes South.

[guya]

No, I don't want an affair, but even if I did, I don't think he wants one! So I just have to stop caring about how he acts. Easier said than done.

[Brooke02]

Just have the affair already. You know you want it, but be prepared to change jobs when it goes South.

 

Goes south..(pun)

 

Change jobs & find a new place to live when you get divorced.

[Brooke02]

No, I don't want an affair, but even if I did, I don't think he wants one! So I just have to stop caring about how he acts. Easier said than done.

 

Then stop flirting with him & leading him on!!

How about just telling him your a married women, your not interested in anything thats not work related?

 

You don't want to lose the validation is what it is.

[Realist3]

No, I don't want an affair, but even if I did, I don't think he wants one! So I just have to stop caring about how he acts. Easier said than done.

 

If you didn't want an affair you would not be so concerned about what he says or does. You wouldn't admit to these 'feelings' you never thought you would have. You would't start a thread asking strangers about what he means by everything he says to you. You do want an affair, admit it.

 

 

So you are scared of being rejected? The two of you have a flirty relationship. I'm quite sure if you took one small step across that line all of your questions would be answered either way.

 

If you do decide to proceed down the affair path I would suggest you take your head out of the clouds as it seems to be right now, because every aspect of your life will be changing. There is a cold hard reality to affairs. Go in with your eyes wide open. What expectations would you both have from the relationship? What if you fall in love? What if you realize it was a mistake? What if you get busted?

[Got it]

I agree with Realist. You may think you don't want an affair but trust me you are screaming "make a move".

 

The issue isn't him. The issue begins and ends with you. I would suggest a very hard dose of reality, and a very fast and deep look at yourself and your intentions. I am scratching my head why you are even thinking twice on half of the comments made and why they matter. Why do they matter so much to you?

 

Figure yourself out and quickly. You don't get the luxury of "I don't know how I ended up in an affair". You are skipping yourself right down the path just waiting for him to make a move so you can be in it without actually owning it.

 

My most sincere suggestion, if you do not want an affair, you sit down and put all of this out there to your husband. Discuss it with him, discuss the attraction with him, etc. and work with him on how to get over the crush. Unite as a team. I think the fact that your husband would be livid is your major sign that this is not sitting comfortably.

 

Talk to your husband about it. Please.

[redtail]

You either really have no idea what you're doing, or you do and don't want to admit it. You are in an affair, unconsummated for the time being, but an affair none the less.

[denise_xo]

I agree with the posts above. You effectively have two options now:

 

1. Just go on as you are doing now, and enjoy your affair (but be prepared for the reality that will hit at some point. Your husband would be livid now? How will he react when he finds out you kissed and had sex with your colleague? )

 

OR

 

2.

Talk to your husband about it. Please.

[CarrieT]

Tell your husband.

 

As soon as it is out in the open, it will diffuse immediately.

[Realist3]

Tell your husband.

 

As soon as it is out in the open, it will diffuse immediately.

 

Or she could just have him read this thread.

[guya]

And how exactly am I flirting or leading him on? He makes non-work related remarks, I stay silent. I don't stare from a distance. I didn't gush over his gift. How exactly am I leading him on?

 

And I'm not afraid of being rejected, I just don't think he's after an affair. I understand the view that he's priming me, or working slowly, as one of the earlier posts mentioned, but he's nevr tried to be alone with me. I was uncomfortable about his "delicious" remark, but it could be just a remark, with nothing behind it.

 

Telling my husband would only make him insecure, and then e wouldn't be able to go skating anymore! No, there isn't another place. I don't foresee any good coming from telling him all this, it would only make him alarmed over a man who's not even pursuing anything with me. Why bring that kind of trouble upon us?

Again, I appreciate all of your views, but this guy is not interested in taking it anywhere, and neither am I. I think the fantasy side of it is a lot more appealing than actually following through would be. Is that really so bad?

[Rainbowlove]

Open butt cheeks...insert head.

 

Those really are my final words...