Is this leading to infidelity? Or am I overreacting

[jackslife]

I'm sorry, but what does your attractiveness level have to do with anything?

 

Virtually everyone will find someone who attracts them and vice versa. This isn't about how pert your nose is but whether your lack of sexual experience with other men and your husbands low sex drive will ultimately lead to an affair.

[Brooke02]

im in my 30s now but have 3 plastic surgeons to keep me presentable!

 

^^This? is low self esteem not "too much" as you said. Anyone who needs plastic surgery because they are not happy with how they look naturally does not have high self esteem.

[redtail]

Oh, here we go again... I need to defend my looks!

[FANTASY]

I think I understand now, we've been seeing it all wrong! Obviously since you are attractive, something most of us don't have to deal with, this man naturally fawns all over you. But while he is more masculine than your more physically attractive and financially secure husband, you are unsure where this attraction of yours is coming from. But your doubt is not in his attraction to you, but would he risk it all for the possible transitory pleasure of your affections. Something you'd like to be able to turn him down for since that lusty desire isn't happening back home.

 

But I now see that you could not be in an affair, that is something that you would not do, now that you have your eyes wide open. Not telling your husband and sparing him the details would be something that a pretty wife such as yourself would do to protect her man. I think you have a strong handle on what would lead to an affair and have managed to keep those risks at bay. A line that you flirt with but have not crossed.

 

So for now, enjoy the flirting and assume the possibility that you are over reacting. Until such a time that this gentleman decides to make a move, where as then you will be validated in your assumptions.

[/FANTASY]

[redtail]

I'm sorry, but what does your attractiveness level have to do with anything?

 

We wouldn't understand...

[Realist3]

There is an old saying, "Vanity is low self esteem on steroids."

[guya]

Redtail- You hit the nail on the head! Thank you. You summed it up perfectly.

 

Satu - You should check and see where your prejudice against attractive people comes from. I'm not narcissistic or selfish. My husband is worth a lot, but I still work a 9 to 5 job, bc I believe in a good work ethic. I come home and cook THREE dinners every night, from scratch - vegetarian for me, and two other dinners for my husband and my its boy, who gets a home cooked meal every night. I could have a nanny and outsource his upbringing, but I do it myself. Selfish? I don't think so. Needy? Possibly. But who isn't?

 

As for the plastic surgery, it has nothing to do with self esteem - it is just a given in my world. I was brought up with one directive in life: to fix flaws. Physical or emotional. I'd be ostracized if I walked around with acne or wrinkles. I know it's had to imagine, but I got my nose job at 14; so did many of my girlfriends... Or liposuction, or chin implants. It's just a part of life and no one gives a second thought to it meaning that you don't like yourself. On the contrary: letting yourself go and not caring about looks means you have low self esteem!

 

And I think this attraction has taught me something I'm only learning in my 30s: looks are not everything. I had always heard that you could be attracted to someone on the inside, this is the first time this has happened! This man and I work for a company completely dedicated to helping underprivileged children; he has done so much to help them! I have to cajole and convince to get my husband to donate to charitable causes - he is in a high stakes financial world. Completely different men in that respect.

 

Red tail explained it perfectly - I do not know where the attraction is coming from. Thank you so much for the insight!!

He told me something interesting today. He has always been very careful with his appearance, shaved, always wears suits, etc. He saw my husband at the rink, and he wears a beard. Today, I noticed the guy at work was scruffy looking, and asked "Are you growing a beard??". He smiled and said "I am... Why not?" I wanted to tell him he looked hot, but stayed silent. Now I keep thinking it's because he wants to emulate my husband! I know, I sound like I'm 14 and I apologize...

[elaine567]

He told me something interesting today. He has always been very careful with his appearance, shaved, always wears suits, etc. He saw my husband at the rink, and he wears a beard. Today, I noticed the guy at work was scruffy looking, and asked "Are you growing a beard??". He smiled and said "I am... Why not?" I wanted to tell him he looked hot, but stayed silent. Now I keep thinking it's because he wants to emulate my husband! I know, I sound like I'm 14 and I apologize...

 

It couldn't possibly be that beards are on trend at the moment?

No, silly me, he is emulating your husband to make himself attractive to you.

I get it.

[elaine567]

Beard Styles 2014-2015

[guya]

Lol. I'm sure it had nothing to do with me.

[Realist3]

I guess you didn't get that Red Tail was making fun of you.

[guya]

No, I got it - but he was still right even if he doesn't think its true!

[Realist3]

I know he's right, but it should bother you that it is true.

[redtail]

Subtlety is it's own reward.

 

“The human brain is a complex organ with the wonderful power of enabling man to find reasons for continuing to believe whatever it is that he wants to believe.” ― Voltaire

[Light Breeze]

Hi OP,

 

I am a poster from a different section of this forum and just mistakenly landed here. I was about to go back to the main page when your thread caught my eye . I checked and read everything.

 

I'll just give my two cents before going back.

 

To answer your question "Is this leading to infidelity?".

 

Yes it probably is.

 

Let me tell you a story about a friend/classmate. She's a lawyer, catholic, married at 21, and a virgin before she got hitched.. She had a crush for a junior partner in the firm and would gush about him all the time. I didn't advice her to cut it out because she insisted it was just a "silly crush". Well, I regret that... To make the long story short, they started flirting, having sex, then were found out, she was fired from the firm, her husband left her. Even her parents were furious.

 

This just started with a "crush" and look were it ended up.

 

Just food for thought.

 

Ok I'm going back.

[guya]

It doesn't upset me. This whole thing is very messed up. I don't want to sugarcoat anything, especially my feelings. And I'm grateful to anyone who takes the time to reply, even if there is sarcasm involved. People could be doing so many other things, but they choose to discuss my problems! I'm grateful.

[guya]

Thank you for the story. I feel the same way about the risks involved. I'm not a Catholic but my whole family adores my husband, so that's added stress! I don't see this going anywhere so I don't think there is need to be so alarmed.

 

I probably won't even see him at the rink this weekend, I won't see him for over 2 weeks bc of the holidays... So this should help me to get over it.

[Striver]

And I think this attraction has taught me something I'm only learning in my 30s: looks are not everything. I had always heard that you could be attracted to someone on the inside, this is the first time this has happened! This man and I work for a company completely dedicated to helping underprivileged children; he has done so much to help them! I have to cajole and convince to get my husband to donate to charitable causes - he is in a high stakes financial world. Completely different men in that respect.

 

Red tail explained it perfectly - I do not know where the attraction is coming from. Thank you so much for the insight!!

He told me something interesting today. He has always been very careful with his appearance, shaved, always wears suits, etc. He saw my husband at the rink, and he wears a beard. Today, I noticed the guy at work was scruffy looking, and asked "Are you growing a beard??". He smiled and said "I am... Why not?" I wanted to tell him he looked hot, but stayed silent. Now I keep thinking it's because he wants to emulate my husband! I know, I sound like I'm 14 and I apologize...

 

Now you are escalating. Now you are comparing your husband negatively to your affair partner.

[jbrent890]

I'm predicting the next few threads you are going to create on this site: "I crossed the line, I'm having an affair" "I feel guilty, but this feels so right", "I'm trying to stop, but don't know how", and finally "my husband discovered my affair." At the rate you're going, this is how your story will end. You think that you can do this alone, but with each post, you are proving more and more you can't. It's like watching a train wreck. Let's be real here, you don't want to tell your husband about this because you don't want the thoughts and attention to end. You are enjoying this. Not only are you playing with fire, you are dipping the matches in lighter fluid. Crushes in marriage are okay. God knows I have had a few, but I have never obsessed the way you have. You are essentially waiting for this guy to make a move and you know it. Even worse, I think you want him to. You want to see how far this can go. Honestly, are you so starved for this guy's attention that you are willing to risk your family over it. You say that this is harmless, but your posts are very disturbing. Talk to your husband. By telling him, it might light a fire in his ass to be more sexual with you. However, I don't think lack of sex is the major problem. From how you describe this guy, I think you honestly like him. I think your major issue is that you have only had sex with your husband, and your curiosity is starting to get the better of you. Again, is that worth risking your family and marriage over? Right now you have the power to stop this. Please talk to your husband. Putting it out there might end it once and for all.

[denise_xo]

So, guya, what is your plan? Are you going to make any changes, or will you just continue your relationship with your coworker?

 

[FANTASY]

I think I understand now, we've been seeing it all wrong!....

[/FANTASY]

 

That post cracked me up

[redtail]

It's like watching a train wreck.

 

I know, but I can't look away...

[Brooke02]

No, its ok. She probably wont see him at the skating rink or see him for the next 2 weeks.. Time to get over all this.

*cough[ya right, BS]cough*

 

Gonna be thinking about him the whole time & miss him.

 

I feel bad for the hub, going about his day like all is ok. Meanwhile his wife is at work flirting & drooling over the more masculine guy with the new beard.

[beach]

It's always the nice husbands who have the wife who begins to stray. Ya, your H is so nice you need to go find another MM to pay attention to.

 

Why is that fair to your husband? If like to know.

 

And you have resentments against your H. No wife should need to work all day and come home and make 3 separate dinners! I think you have a super Mom syndrome. Let things go so you don't feel everything needs to be so perfect.

 

Wrinkles? Heck - people who age get wrinkles! It's not disgraceful! It's natural.

 

Your need to look perfect and act perfect is the perfect storm for you to retaliate by cheating with a man who you find less attractive physically but interesting enough to be attractive on the inside.

 

If you are so naive that you don't see that any man would flirt with you since you are still young and perfect looking.

 

Your thoughts though, are making you ugly - and I mean ugly on the inside.

 

Seriously, what if your H could hear your thoughts? You are cheating already since you are even thinking/obsessing so much about every little thing this guy does or doesn't do.

 

And don't go to the skating rink! Don't go!!! Do anything not to go there!

 

But we know you will - because your pretty little face needs a big boost to her ego. It's the same ego that allows you to treat your H like crap.

 

If he knew you were pining away after Mr douchebag you'd be in a heap of trouble.

 

You have the looks, the attractive husband and a boat load of money. SO WHAT! Most people where I love have all that too - it's nothing special honey.

 

It's what you're about to do that makes anything about you really unattractive. Who a person is in their character makes them attractive for me - but you lack what it takes because you aren't being nice to your husband.

 

You've proven that even though a lot of people "look like" they have it all - they REALLY have nothing.

 

Your emphasis is on ALL the wrong things.

 

Maybe you can seek professional help with what you call beautiful... Your reflection is skewed. The ego is in the way and clouding your reality. Start there.

 

And get honest with your perfect husband - he has every right to know you're fantasizing about the douchebag from the office that shows up at the rink. Send your H tomorrow to meet the OM at the rink. Maybe he will tell the OM to take a hike! I hope he will!

[guya]

Wow, great post! I'm very grateful.

 

I happen to think I'm a great person; I don't see how attraction to another man makes me ugly. The fact that I've been married for over a decade without cheating, when I've had the opportunities I've had, is proof of that. I feel perfectly fine about my character.

 

So you think the guy is showing up at the rink on purpose?! Probably not this week, since he's divorced; this is his second marriage. So I assume he doesn't get the kids every weekend. Who knows, maybe he will bring his wife! I would be more than happy to introduce him to my husband. I'm not sleeping with this guy, I have nothing to hide! And every time I tell my husband a man flirted with me or asked me out, he says "congratulations" and "what did you expect?"! I don't see how this would be any different.

 

I'm having a hard time with the concept that this is already an affair. I can see danger on the horizon, but he's never even asked me out for coffee or anything like that! Yesterday, though, I was just walking by and did not look at him bc I had left all of my makeup in the car and hadn't had time to go get it to freshen up yet. But of course, he is talking to someone else, makes a joke, calls my name and involves me in the conversation... That's when I asked about the beard... He's less avoidant than I'd expect a man to be, if he doesn't want to cheat. I'm still confused...

[guya]

Oh, and I forgot.. About my need for perfection. It's a constant topic in my therapy. Not only do I make 3 dinners, I pack fresh lunches and make breakfast for all of us every morning. Of course, everything has to be healthy... My son is only allowed sugar on weekends, for example. Both my husband and I work out together, we see naturopaths for supplements, do everything we can to be healthy! This is a good thing, but we're both very concerned with these things. I think you'll fall over dead if I tell you that since I got married and started sharing a bed with my husband, every morning I quietly get up before he does, brush my teeth, put on concealer under my eyes and a little lip gloss - then I go back to bed. He has never seen me without makeup on, not even when I was in the hospital having my son! I've tried to change this habit and let go, but I feel so awful and lazy. It's like people who get fast food for dinner instead of cooking; I would feel so guilty doing that!!

 

My therapist says I'm making my life more stressful than it needs to be. She's probably right. But both my husband and I have very high standards for everything. I don't think either one of us wants this to change.

[motu]

I had an affair with a married woman for one year....she was amazingly attractive, there is so much common between you two...she had sexless marriage too...we became really close buddies...and we had sex like 10 times in a year relationship..no matter how mean it appears I would say even just for sex go for it...he is a married man too he knows the risks too...he is not naive...with experience I can say do not refrain yourself.