Is this leading to infidelity? Or am I overreacting

[denise_xo]

Now I'm a little freaked out. Am I reading too much into the "delicious" comment? My husband would be livid if I told him.

 

Telling my husband would only make him insecure, and then e wouldn't be able to go skating anymore! No, there isn't another place. I don't foresee any good coming from telling him all this, it would only make him alarmed over a man who's not even pursuing anything with me. Why bring that kind of trouble upon us?

 

I'm not sleeping with this guy, I have nothing to hide! And every time I tell my husband a man flirted with me or asked me out, he says "congratulations" and "what did you expect?"! I don't see how this would be any different.

 

:confused:

 

If you have nothing to hide from your husband, why not show him this thread?

 

 

I'm having a hard time with the concept that this is already an affair.

 

Many posters here have explained to you why that is. You have not actually engaged with their arguments. Why don't you address those arguments more specifically, instead of just posting about the behaviour of your colleague?

 

 

I'm still confused...

 

What exactly are you confused about?

 

If you were certain that your colleague wanted an affair, what would you do about it?

[Realist3]

Yesterday, though, I was just walking by and did not look at him bc I had left all of my makeup in the car and hadn't had time to go get it to freshen up yet. But of course, he is talking to someone else, makes a joke, calls my name and involves me in the conversation...

 

Because you want to look perfect for your fantasy man. lol You just don't get it. Superficial.

 

I think you'll fall over dead if I tell you that since I got married and started sharing a bed with my husband, every morning I quietly get up before he does, brush my teeth, put on concealer under my eyes and a little lip gloss - then I go back to bed. He has never seen me without makeup on, not even when I was in the hospital having my son!

 

And then there is this doozie! That is low self esteem. You are afraid he won't like you for you. You have to be made-up Barbie. If you had normal self esteem you could accept that he loves you for you, not some artificial picture of yourself. I bet you don't fart in front of him either.

Edited December 20, 2014 by Realist3

[guya]

Ha! Low self esteem bc I care about my looks? It's women who are satisfied with walking around in sweat pants, with dirty hair and circles under their eyes, who have low self esteem. And this isn't about my husband; it's for myself. Growing up I never left my room without makeup on! I don't see why it's acceptable to put on makeup for work, but it's ok to not present my best side to my husband? This goes along with people who treat their spouses horribly, but suck up to friends and other relatives. I believe that my spouse does deserve my best; but even if he wasn't around, I'd act the same way. This is completely driven by my belief that we should all strive to be the best we can be, at all times. It's the same drive that leads me to go above and beyond at work. Would it be expected to work one hour late? I stay two hours. It's just who I am. My husband is proud of the fact that I'm not like some of his friends' wives, who walk around in flannel pajamas and hair in a bun just bc they've been married for years. Plus, I get a kick out of my looks. Few things are more satisfying then entering a room and seeing all eyes on you. I get the same satisfaction out of looking in the mirror, by myself in my bathroom!!

 

And are you telling me that tgere are actually women out there who fart in front of their husbands?! My husband doesn't do that with me either!! I even stop myself from throwing up when I get sick, because it's so unbecoming!! Of course, I'm not always successful, so that's when my husband is asked to go to another part of the house.

 

I have no interest in that part of "familiarity" that comes with marriage. Over a decade, and we both still respect boundaries.

 

I don't have time now but I will address Denise's post later.

 

Good discussion, everyone!!

[beach]

It has nothing to do with comparing to others - and how terrible they may look/dress.

 

It has everything to do with your standards that are unrealistic - the fact that you don't think of YOURSELF as beautiful without all that cover up of makeup is VERY telling. Natural beauty is far more interesting than makeup!

 

My area is FULL of beautiful women. But when they act ugly (like pining away while being married) - they aren't beautiful at all. A woman's actions makes her MORE beautiful than she is.

 

You are treating your H terribly and he doesn't even know it. That is not nice.

 

 

 

Stop trying to achieve perfection! Be real! Let your family make YOU dinner and they can make their own lunches. Start getting some balance into your daily life.

 

What does your counselor suggest you do differently?

[elaine567]

Sorry Guya, but

 

How to Identify a Female Narcissist

 

Physical Appearance

 

• She dresses provocatively, flaunting sexually suggestive body parts.
  
• She focuses attention on makeup and hair, even for the most mundane tasks or events.
  
• She is overly confident about her looks. Research shows that narcissists are no more attractive than other people, but they believe they are much better looking than other women.
  
• She places high value on brand names, and feels entitled to wear “the best.” She frequently purchases new clothing, and does not distinguish between wants and needs.
  
• She is more likely to have plastic surgery, most commonly breast augmentation.
  
• She enjoys being photographed, and often asks others to snap her picture. She enthusiastically shares the best pics of herself on Facebook or other social media sites. She will sometimes invest in a professional photographer for a portrait that she uses on Facebook or for online dating.
  

 

Personality/Character

 

• She insists on being the center of attention, and is often the most charming person in the room. Narcissists are very outgoing and excel at marketing themselves.
  
• She often seeks favorable treatment, and automatic compliance. She believes that she is special, and that she deserves fame, fortune, success and happiness.
  
• She is highly materialistic.
  
• She is prone to envy, though she presents as supremely confident. She seeks opportunities to undermine others, and enjoys sharing confidences about how the two of you are better than others.
  
• She is convinced that others are envious and jealous of her, and often uses this excuse for her lack of real, intimate friendships. When her friends enjoy successes of their own, she finds ways to punish them by downplaying their achievements.
  
• She lacks empathy, and even common courtesy at times. She puts others down, including you. She does not hesitate to exploit others.
  
• She is very competitive.
  
• She believes that she is intellectually superior to her peers.
  
• She blames others for problems. Narcissists don’t believe that they make mistakes, and lack the ability to process shame.
  
• She displays a haughty attitude when she lets her guard down or is confronted. She will act impatient, arrogant and condescending. She will often excuse her own shortcomings by claiming that others are pressuring her or expecting too much of her.
  
• She is dishonest and often lies to get what she wants. She will never admit this.
  
• She is “psycho:” She engages in risky behaviors, has an addictive personality, and is prone to aggressive behavior when rejected. (Note: This is most common with Histrionic Personality Disorder.)
  
• She is unpredictable in her moods and actions. You have trouble figuring out what she wants and where you stand.
  
• She is capable of short-term regret, and will apologize profusely if backed into a corner. However, she will quickly rationalize her behavior and return to narcissistic patterns.
  

 

A woman doesn’t need to have all 20 of these traits to make a lousy relationship partner. If you can check off even a few of these characteristics, you should head for the hills at 60 mph. The six traits related to physical appearance should be apparent immediately, or within a short time of meeting.

 

Narcissistic personality traits can be difficult to detect at first. Narcissists always make a strong showing right out of the gate, and it takes time for them to reveal their negative qualities. They will only do so when feeling threatened or that they are not receiving “their due” in some way.

 

20 Identifiable Traits of a Female Narcissist * Hooking Up Smart : Hooking Up Smart

[beach]

^^^ and don't forget that they are never satisfied with "what they already have" - and a need to get more - even at the risk of hurting others.

[Realist3]

Ha! Low self esteem bc I care about my looks? It's women who are satisfied with walking around in sweat pants, with dirty hair and circles under their eyes, who have low self esteem. And this isn't about my husband; it's for myself. Growing up I never left my room without makeup on! I don't see why it's acceptable to put on makeup for work, but it's ok to not present my best side to my husband? This goes along with people who treat their spouses horribly, but suck up to friends and other relatives. I believe that my spouse does deserve my best; but even if he wasn't around, I'd act the same way. This is completely driven by my belief that we should all strive to be the best we can be, at all times. It's the same drive that leads me to go above and beyond at work. Would it be expected to work one hour late? I stay two hours. It's just who I am. My husband is proud of the fact that I'm not like some of his friends' wives, who walk around in flannel pajamas and hair in a bun just bc they've been married for years. Plus, I get a kick out of my looks. Few things are more satisfying then entering a room and seeing all eyes on you. I get the same satisfaction out of looking in the mirror, by myself in my bathroom!!

 

And are you telling me that tgere are actually women out there who fart in front of their husbands?! My husband doesn't do that with me either!! I even stop myself from throwing up when I get sick, because it's so unbecoming!! Of course, I'm not always successful, so that's when my husband is asked to go to another part of the house.

 

I have no interest in that part of "familiarity" that comes with marriage. Over a decade, and we both still respect boundaries.

 

I don't have time now but I will address Denise's post later.

 

Good discussion, everyone!!

 

It is called ';being confident in your own skin.' You are not, by any stretch.

 

The real you is not the person with plastic surgery or makeup. That is the doll you wish to show other people. Self esteem means that I am confident in myself no matter how I may appear on the outside. Low self esteem means you have to transform yourself into something you aren't naturally. You feel your natural being is not good enough. Again, those concerns are superficial. And their reek of low self esteem.

 

You said in an earlier post that in your 30's you are just now learning not to jusdge people by their looks alone. Do you not understand how shallow your whole existence has been up to this point?

[redtail]

It's women who are satisfied with walking around in sweat pants, with dirty hair and circles under their eyes, who have low self esteem.

This seems ingrained into your psyche, that there is a standard of appearance that one mustn't fall below. You need to understand that importance of how you appear becomes a mask to who you are.

 

You accuse others who do not have your standard for constant make up and appearance as having low self esteem? Isn't it the height of self esteem and self confidence to be able to be yourself, "sweat pants and bad hair" and still be the beauty in your spouse's eyes. That is where true love resides.

 

How gorgeous can a woman be when she is truly herself, and how distasteful can one be, when her entire demeanor is a facade?

[elaine567]

 

You said in an earlier post that in your 30's you are just now learning not to jusdge people by their looks alone.

 

 

It doesn't appear to be working.

 

It's women who are satisfied with walking around in sweat pants, with dirty hair and circles under their eyes, who have low self esteem...

and

 

I'm not like some of his friends' wives, who walk around in flannel pajamas and hair in a bun just bc they've been married for years.

[Realist3]

Beauty on the outside does not equal beauty on the inside, and the inside is where it counts. I don't know you, but in my past experiences women that focus on the outside so much, tend to neglect the inside.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I've heard a lot of reasons for "why I wouldn't cheat on my partner", but "because I'm perfect in every way" is a new one.

 

Obviously you feel some degree of shame about your actions and that's reason enough to quit this. Deny it all you want but if you didn't feel even the slightest bit guilty, you would have told your husband by now. And if you were as ambivalent about the whole thing as you claim then you wouldn't be here with post after post revealing the depth of your obsession. With each post you sound increasingly unhinged. The page-length proclamations of your perfection sound like a blog post by a Lifetime villain just before she whips out a box cutter and goes after her ex's new girl.

 

Turn off the computer, walk away and talk to your husband. Seek counseling, both for this affair and for yourself.

[xxoo]

Make up, hair, clothes....blah, whatever.

 

Men go crazy for the woman who will be naked and raw with him and him alone. That's what keeps the fire burning.

[Realist3]

Have you ever taken thought that your husband may be disconnecting from your because of your obsession about your looks?

[beach]

Everything you describe about yourself sounds fake. Especially in light that you think you present yourself as the perfect wife yet you are obsessing about some guy at work who says hello.

 

You are evidently missing certain parts about marriage that make it special, connected and intimate. Otherwise you wouldn't even give the OM a second thought - but instead you obsess about trivial interaction.

 

When your world blows apart don't be surprised.

 

It's women like you who need control and perfection that tend to lose it and go off the deep end.

 

 

What does your therapist say you should be DOING differently? Have you told the therapist how you're obsessed with this OM?

[Satu]

Sorry Guya, but

 

Narcissism is a frantic effort to compensate for very low self-esteem.

 

It's a manic defence, in fact.

 

"The twenty-first century has seen a distinction drawn between cerebral and somatic narcissists – the former building up their self-sense through intellectualism, the latter through an obsession with their bodies, as with the woman who, in bad faith, invests her sense of freedom only in being an object of beauty for others."

 

- Jack Reynolds, Understanding Existentialism (2006) p. 143

Edited December 20, 2014 by Satu

[Mount]

I have not been able to get time reading all pages, and also have no comment for GUYA's story development, BUT I have to agree there has nothing wrong with women caring about look, and DO NOT EAT crap (chocolate, icecream, junkfood...etc) look like a pig or huge size walking around.

 

In Japan and Korea, ALL women every morning spend at least 3 hours to do make up even the outcome make-up seems to be effortless, to make them presentable. Are they all narcissist? It only show they have HUGE willpower to keep slim, eat well.

 

When women have capability taking care themselves, then they are able to take care others and family.

 

You can choose the lifestyle let yourself go, eating potato-chips, pizza, sitting on sofa watching TV without exercise or make-up, or you can live a life differently. So there has nothing wrong that a woman wants to live life delicately. No need to beat down a wowan likes to be pretty.

 

Without sugarcoating, what so called "Beauty-inside matters" we all know is a BS.... A 200lb obese woman only displays her lacking of controlling of her mouth input, despite how "beautiful" her mind is.

 

Ha! Low self esteem bc I care about my looks? It's women who are satisfied with walking around in sweat pants, with dirty hair and circles under their eyes, who have low self esteem. And this isn't about my husband; it's for myself. Growing up I never left my room without makeup on! I don't see why it's acceptable to put on makeup for work, but it's ok to not present my best side to my husband? This goes along with people who treat their spouses horribly, but suck up to friends and other relatives. I believe that my spouse does deserve my best; but even if he wasn't around, I'd act the same way. This is completely driven by my belief that we should all strive to be the best we can be, at all times. It's the same drive that leads me to go above and beyond at work. Would it be expected to work one hour late? I stay two hours. It's just who I am. My husband is proud of the fact that I'm not like some of his friends' wives, who walk around in flannel pajamas and hair in a bun just bc they've been married for years. Plus, I get a kick out of my looks. Few things are more satisfying then entering a room and seeing all eyes on you. I get the same satisfaction out of looking in the mirror, by myself in my bathroom!!

 

And are you telling me that tgere are actually women out there who fart in front of their husbands?! My husband doesn't do that with me either!! I even stop myself from throwing up when I get sick, because it's so unbecoming!! Of course, I'm not always successful, so that's when my husband is asked to go to another part of the house.

 

I have no interest in that part of "familiarity" that comes with marriage. Over a decade, and we both still respect boundaries.

 

I don't have time now but I will address Denise's post later.

 

Good discussion, everyone!!

Edited December 20, 2014 by Mount

[redtail]

what so called "Beauty-inside matters" we all know is a BS....

No, we all don't know that. But there are many who feel sorry for those who think that.

 

A 200lb obese woman only displays her lacking of controlling of her mouth input, despite how "beautiful" her mind is.

You have a flair for hyperbole, one extreme does not illustrate the correctness nor incorrectness of the other extreme.

[Realist3]

As someone who gains attention from their outward appearance on a very frequent basis, I can't think of a more de-humanizing aspect to a choice being made by a potential mate. Yeah, I look great, but ya know what? If that is what you are focused on, you can just skip along. I have no need for you.

[elaine567]

In Japan and Korea, ALL women every morning spend at least 3 hours to do make up even the outcome make-up seems to be effortless, to make them presentable. Are they all narcissist? It only show they have HUGE willpower to keep slim, eat well.

 

When women have capability taking care themselves, then they are able to take care others and family.

.

 

So spending 3 hours on herself, putting on makeup, is about taking care of others and her family???

 

Sure.

 

I would fathom a guess that IS actually very narcissistic.

[xxoo]

As someone who gains attention from their outward appearance on a very frequent basis, I can't think of a more de-humanizing aspect to a choice being made by a potential mate. .

 

I agree.

 

Getting attention from many men for looks is cheap and easy. Worthless.

 

Keeping attention from one man is a worthy challenge. Priceless.

[Mount]

I was being told they usually get up at early (i.e. 5 am, or 6 am) to do so. 3 hours might be an extravagant description, but I am sure they all take enough time in the morning to do so - make up to acheive effortless final facial result.

 

I am not from those countries, and I am late morning person, but I usually take 1.5 hrs or 2 hrs to do the morning prep thing, and arrives at office everyday 10:15am.

 

But I usually like to work late too, such as till midnight.

 

Also I believe among all those countries women, there will include those career mind-set women too, not only sweet gentle women or housewives.

 

So spending 3 hours on herself, putting on makeup, is about taking care of others and her family???

 

Sure.

 

I would fathom a guess that IS actually very narcissistic.

Edited December 20, 2014 by Mount

[AlwaysGrowing]

Getting up before your spouse to put on makeup, so one can look their best when they "wake up", is extreme.

 

Making three seperate meals is either...trying to be super mom (extreme) or a lie. Because most meals can be adapted to cater to all. Don't like meat in pasta, simply spoon out a portion of the sauce before you add the meat. One did not make three seperate meals, just put on the plate what each person wanted.....like EVERY other household is doing.

 

How can one ask about an affair then say they are not interested in having one.

 

If one is truly not interested....none of the co-workers actions/words would even be registering...let alone being dissected. He simply would NOT be on ones radar.

 

To ask her husbands opinion while leaving 99% of what is going on...co-workers words/actions and more importantly HER actions/words/thoughts is simply...trying to control the outcome of her husbands assessment. Some would say.....manipulation.

 

Then to feed the husband the cookies the co-worker made...the co-worker she is attracted to...is icky. It looks too much like....good boy...that's the response mommy wanted...here's your treat.

[beach]

Most of those super moms I've know show extreme stress in trying to keep up with perfection.

 

And as they age they seem to really fail at adapting to reality and the beauty I imperfections about living a balanced life.

 

And they go off the deep end when reality comes a knocking.

[asiangirl]

I read this thread, but not decide to comment until now.

 

 

Mrs. OP, it is normal to be married and find other people attractive.

I am sure we all do experienced the feeling of: "Oh, he good looking. Oh, she hot!" kindda thing.

It just "thoughts" running through our brain that we find someone pretty/handsome, just don't ACTS on your thoughts.

We can't control who we find to be hot/pretty/handsome, etc...

 

BUT, remember this, BUT... that is as FAR as it will go. When you are married, you CANNOT Flirt with another person.

"FLIRTING" with the opposite sex when you are in a marriage, is a BIG NO NO!!

You can think that co-work is handsome, but you CANNOT FLIRT with. If you flirt with him, then you are ACTING on it.

 

I'm sure my man find other woman who is more sexy than me, and I don't care if he do, as long as he doesn't ACTS on it.

I might have low self-esteem, due to I don't think I am good enough for my S/O. I do have an mentally abusive history childhood, from my abusive mother though.

But you saying women that 'don't take care of their looks' is "Low Self-Esteem", I Disgagree!

 

I don't wear make up, unless you say I keep my eyebrown in shape is make up. I don't wear fancy clothes, I wear 'On Sale' clothes, lol

I don't keep up with the fashion, or use expensive purses. I like to look natural, it just who I am, I like to be simple.

Does that mean I have Low Self-Esteem? Nope, it just means that it is my style.

 

And btw, me and my S/O, we both live in the Ghetto. You probably know what is the 'Ghetto"

But we have nothing to be ashamed of. We don't cheat, we don't steal, we both have our own jobs.

We are Financially Independent, we survive on our own working money that we make with our own hands. We have nothing to be ashamed of living here.

 

Many people put us down because we poor, we Interracial, we live in the ghetto , etc... But so what, who cares what they say.

When you learn how to not care what other people say about you, you will be more happy Mrs. OP

 

My advcie to you is tell your husband: that you find this man is attractive, and he is your co-worker so it hard for you to ignore him. I'm sure your husband will undrestand.

And you STOP Fliring with his man! STOP right here! DON'T EVER ACTS on it.

Edited December 20, 2014 by asiangirl

[guya]

Wow, so much to address!! I'll try.

 

 

Beauty

 

 

We can spend the next 100 years discussing this, but what you call "being comfortable in your own skin", to me screams laziness. Can you live with being average and be happy? Good for you. I cannot. I'm not narcissistic or obsessed with my looks bc I take care of myself. People have such low standards for themselves and their mates!! My husband and I are very well-matched in this sense.

 

I get up at 3:45 in the morning to work out. I'm on the treadmill and working out with videos or our mini gym until 5:00. Then I shower, read and have my coffee until my son wakes up. I make breakfast, pack lunches, then my day starts. I do this 6 times a week! If you're happy rolling out of bed, eating sugary cereal and dragging yourself to work, fine... But I would bet you're not the best version of yourself.

 

Beauty is worth fighting for!! There are so many perks! I won't list them all here, but even professionally, it pays to be above average. I was hired for a very visible position, and I beat more qualified candidates. Now, bc of my looks, anytime there is an event dealing with clients or the public, or anything related to the media, my associate who actually has more experience in those areas does not get chosen - I do. Award ceremonies, fundraisers... My boss chooses me to go.(I work for a non-lesbian, btw!) I know my colleague resents me, but beauty is a commodity, like intelligence or a degree from a good university. More exposure for our company means closing better deals, which means I get great numbers... Which means I get a promotion! I was promoted in this job before my 1st year anniversary. Beauty means privilege in every arena. Go ahead, stuff your face and sleep in... But don't hate me for choosing to use my resources. I work for them.

 

The guy at work, for example, has sent very complimentary emails to my boss, associates, and HIS boss - the president of the company. Always some over the top compliment either about how amazing my performance is, or something personal about how my social skills made this or that team project so enjoyable and efficient, etc. I've lost count of how many of these messages he has circulated throughout the organization.

 

We will just have to agree to disagree on the "it's what's on the inside that counts" discussion.