Is this leading to infidelity? Or am I overreacting

[guya]

On "Super Mom" and other things

 

You're right... Let's not be Super Moms. Let's feed our children Pop Tarts and Dunkin Donuts. Let's all buy and drink gallons of soda, let's allow our children to spend hours on the couch playing video games!! Let's stop at the drive through at the end of the day, bc a home-cooked meal is so much work. Let's raise happy (?!) and obese children who will die prematurely... I'm not Super Mom. I'm a responsible parent and I want the best for my child, which includes healthy habits and not risking his security in any way by keeping my marriage intact - things I have managed to do so far.

 

I am amazed by the suggestion that I'm lying about cooking three meals - it's almost laughable! Just bc you're used to mediocrity in your life, it doesn't mean that others are! This past Thursday, I got home from work and made a big salad we could all share. My husband wanted steak, so he had that with a baked potato and salad. Quick, easy meal. My son loves risotto, so he had 4-veggie risotto with the salad. I didn't want anything carb-y, so I made myself fire-roasted tomato soup with artichokes and white beans. I did all of that in 45 minutes!! There is no excuse for eating ready-made, processed junk. Although, it does help that my husband does all the dishes. Sometimes we all eat the same, but that's the exception more than the rule.

 

And I disagree that my husband is "disconnecting" from me. Yesterday, we went skating - no, the guy from work wasn't there, which I was grateful for! It was only my second time on the ice, so it's embarrassing! My husband is awesome at skating (of course!!), and he came over, kissed me and said "You are, by far, the most beautiful girl here!". He loves my beauty, and the fact that I take care of myself. He probably would disconnect if I started acting like other women, though! He also initiated sex last night, which was great! We were both so happy. It's nice to be reminded of how wonderful he is.

 

Now someone asked what my plans are... I don't have one. As I've said over and over, I don't see this going anywhere, and I am conflicted about where I would allow it to go, although it does get easier to fight thoughts of this guy at work when my husband and I are sexually connected, so those of you who mentioned were absolutely right!

[asiangirl]

Mrs. guya, Mrs. OP

May I ask, what Ethnicity are you? Are you umm, White? Or umm, Asian?

Just trying to see it from your point of view, of why you think the way you think.

Edited December 21, 2014 by asiangirl

[beach]

You are twisting words of people attempting to help you open your mind.

 

For instance - yes, I am considered very beautiful - have always benefitted from the advantages of that - but I don't capitalize on it to compare myself to others and what they are - or what they can or can't do.

 

 

I'm no slouch. But I must say I don't work hard at it - mine is a natural gift. I don't wear much makeup as I enjoy natural beauty.

 

Yet I am accomplished and I never considered my rewards anything but a product of my efforts.

 

Would I become fat and lazy? No - that's not me.

 

But I practice balance. That means I don't stress about being perfect. You mistake that comment to think someone may be ugly or lazy. I'm unsure how you came to that conclusion.

 

Your view point is certainly interesting but I fear you may fail at some point and the walks will come crashing down against your perfect expectations.

 

 

 

 

You didn't answer - what is your counselor working with you on - to change in your life? And what steps are you taking that the counselor suggests?

[Mal78]

On "Super Mom" and other things

 

You're right... Let's not be Super Moms. Let's feed our children Pop Tarts and Dunkin Donuts. Let's all buy and drink gallons of soda, let's allow our children to spend hours on the couch playing video games!! Let's stop at the drive through at the end of the day, bc a home-cooked meal is so much work. Let's raise happy (?!) and obese children who will die prematurely... I'm not Super Mom. I'm a responsible parent and I want the best for my child, which includes healthy habits and not risking his security in any way by keeping my marriage intact - things I have managed to do so far.

 

I am amazed by the suggestion that I'm lying about cooking three meals - it's almost laughable! Just bc you're used to mediocrity in your life, it doesn't mean that others are! This past Thursday, I got home from work and made a big salad we could all share. My husband wanted steak, so he had that with a baked potato and salad. Quick, easy meal. My son loves risotto, so he had 4-veggie risotto with the salad. I didn't want anything carb-y, so I made myself fire-roasted tomato soup with artichokes and white beans. I did all of that in 45 minutes!! There is no excuse for eating ready-made, processed junk. Although, it does help that my husband does all the dishes. Sometimes we all eat the same, but that's the exception more than the rule.

 

And I disagree that my husband is "disconnecting" from me. Yesterday, we went skating - no, the guy from work wasn't there, which I was grateful for! It was only my second time on the ice, so it's embarrassing! My husband is awesome at skating (of course!!), and he came over, kissed me and said "You are, by far, the most beautiful girl here!". He loves my beauty, and the fact that I take care of myself. He probably would disconnect if I started acting like other women, though! He also initiated sex last night, which was great! We were both so happy. It's nice to be reminded of how wonderful he is.

 

Now someone asked what my plans are... I don't have one. As I've said over and over, I don't see this going anywhere, and I am conflicted about where I would allow it to go, although it does get easier to fight thoughts of this guy at work when my husband and I are sexually connected, so those of you who mentioned were absolutely right!

 

If, you have had many advances over the years. If, you have been asked out, flirted with, complimented on, admired... ect many times over the years by men why does this particular man/co-worker has you so hot and bothered? What is it about his interactions with you has you so confused, questioning if this is "leading into infidelity"?

 

I question also your intentions with this thread. Your self worth/image practices should be something *you* should be proud of but now it's become the focal point of this thread vs. The original post. You seem to need to defend yourself wholeheartly when anyone dissects any part of the standards you have set for your life, marriage, career and child and avoiding questions pertaining to your OP. This is very telling.

 

Do you strive to have it all and then a little on the side? Or perhaps your need to have/want it all is never fully satisfied and perhaps thoughts of taking this office flirtation to the next level *might* fulfil some need you are lacking.

 

I admire women who strive for a superior standard for them self. However, "painting it like roses" is very easy to detect especially if these aspirations aren't fluent and those around you (or perfect strangers) are reminded often of every detail on how you achieve *your* perfect life.

[beach]

If you have those requirements for yourself that's fine and dandy.

 

What I think is telling is your constant comparison to others and you feeling the need that your way is superior to theirs.

 

Self righteous? I don't know - but it's certainly something to consider about your perspective.

 

 

Maybe something is missing in your perfect marriage/husband/self = that is the cause of why you are hyper focused on this OM. That's worth delving into with your counselor.

[denise_xo]

I think the whole beauty discussion is a bit of a side track.

 

The crux of the situation it this:

 

The OP is having an affair but doesn't want to admit it. She says herself that she doesn't have a plan for addressing the problem, and doesn't see the need to make one. She keeps making excuses for her actions, saying it's got nothing to do with her and everything to do with her colleague's behaviour. She keeps flipping back and forth between long, detailed accounts of the two of them flirting, and blatant denials of there ever being a chance of an affair. She also keeps flipping back and forth between saying that she can't tell her husband the truth, and that she has nothing to hide from him. And then she returns to long deliberations of what the possible intentions of her colleague might be.

 

But as long as she's consistently refusing to own those contradictions and problems, this thread isn't really going to move anywhere.

[Realist3]

I think the whole beauty discussion is a bit of a side track.

 

The crux of the situation it this:

 

The OP is having an affair but doesn't want to admit it. She says herself that she doesn't have a plan for addressing the problem, and doesn't see the need to make one. She keeps making excuses for her actions, saying it's got nothing to do with her and everything to do with her colleague's behaviour. She keeps flipping back and forth between long, detailed accounts of the two of them flirting, and blatant denials of there ever being a chance of an affair. She also keeps flipping back and forth between saying that she can't tell her husband the truth, and that she has nothing to hide from him. And then she returns to long deliberations of what the possible intentions of her colleague might be.

 

But as long as she's consistently refusing to own those contradictions and problems, this thread isn't really going to move anywhere.

 

Thirteen pages of nowhere.

[redtail]

We will just have to agree to disagree on the "it's what's on the inside that counts" discussion.

 

Relax princess, no one said you shouldn't enjoy the transitory fringe benefits that go along with having having a pretty face. Just don't bank on riding the gravy train your whole life, at some point, people may actually expect more substance.

[beach]

If you weren't considering something inappropriate with the OM you wouldn't be spending time and energy focused on HIM!

 

 

I agree - all the other crap you keep mentioning over and over is just to distract readers from what you are actually doing... Which is contemplating cheating. No two ways about it - and don't deny it - you would, given the chance.

 

It's obvious by the way you talk about him like a little school girl crush.

[elaine567]

Well if guya isn't interested, then I am sure if he is as great as she thinks he is and he is looking for an affair, then I am sure others will be interested...

[guya]

You know, I've asked myself that question many times, what is it about him that I like? Why is this such an issue for me, when other men I work with act the same way? I don't know. I like how take-charge he is, probably bc I'm the same way. I also love how he was molded his career around helping underprivileged kids who would otherwise not have a chance in life. I've had every opportunity a person can have, and I believe wholeheartedly in providing the same opportunities to others.

 

As for my therapist, we have been working on my perfectionistic streak; it causes me a lot of anxiety, and I project this need for perfection onto my husband, especially in our sex life. I'm learning how to relax my sexual standards - she thinks this will make my husband more willing to do it. I definitely own the role I have played in our sex life being less than it could be. I let myself go, he doesn't. That bothers me, I criticize him, he feels inadequate. I'm working on making it more natural by keeping my mouth shut for a while; until I learn how to give constructive feedback.

 

Another thing that attracts me to the guy at work is curiosity, plain and simple. I wonder what it would be like with someone else. My husband tells me I'm great, better than the 5 he had before me, etc. But I don't know if that's true. I've bought and read dozens of sex books, I'm always trying to improve my technique... My husband says there's nothing left to improve, lol! But I don't really know that. So I wonder if this guy would feel the same way. It's as if getting accolades from my husband isn't good enough. Yes, very messed up...

 

This thread should be quiet for a while - I'm cooking two holiday dinners this week, all from scratch, don't hate me. But I won't be in the office and won't see him, so that should be a plus...

[Mal78]

 

This thread should be quiet for a while - I'm cooking two holiday dinners this week, all from scratch, don't hate me. But I won't be in the office and won't see him, so that should be a plus...

 

How else would one cook holiday dinner other than from scratch. Perhaps I'm missing something, I've always cooked all 3 of our holiday dinners from scratch. Since I'm so gosh darn good at it I'm the one that does it all... His, Mine and ours.

 

So what is there to hate?

 

I'm glad you won't be conflicted before the holidays. You could perhaps reconsider your thoughts with being with this OM. Holidays can be a wonderful time bringing people together it is also a time people pull apart.

[guya]

I made the "from scratch" comment bc I used to know a lady whose holiday consisted of mixing stuff from cans together, and that was supposed to be wonderful, lol. I make everything - the dinner rolls that have to rest for hours, the preserves the will go into the glaze for the ham, etc. I don't want dinner from a can! But, some people like that...

[asiangirl]

Mrs. guya, Mrs. OP

May I ask, what Ethnicity are you? Are you umm, White? Or umm, Asian?

Just trying to see it from your point of view, of why you think the way you think.

[Realist3]

I made the "from scratch" comment bc I used to know a lady whose holiday consisted of mixing stuff from cans together, and that was supposed to be wonderful, lol. I make everything - the dinner rolls that have to rest for hours, the preserves the will go into the glaze for the ham, etc. I don't want dinner from a can! But, some people like that...

 

 

No, you made the scratch comment, and then commented on it again, because you were trying to make people think better of you. Nobody on this forum cares whether you are making it from scratch, cans, or having it catered. It again speaks to the narcissistic qualities you have exhibited previously in this thread. "Hey, look at me, aren't I great?!"

[jbrent890]

I called the whole curiosity thing. Why people don't have sex before marriage is beyond me? None the less, at least your posts are starting to be more honest. You want to see where things can go with this guy. I'm going to tell you now that you stand to lose everything. I have a coworker who was in the same position you were in. She only had sex with her husband and was very curious to see what else was out there. She then started an affair with a doctor we worked with. She only wanted to do it once, but one time turned into 5, and 5 to 10, to the point where she got emotionally involved with him for six months. Needless to say, the doctor was careless and his wife found out. She contacted my coworker's husband and destroyed her life. Her husband divorced her and her kids don't even speak to her. She is lucky she didn't lose her job. Also, the doctor's wife gave him a second chance while my coworker lost everything. It's sad to say that women get it worse when affairs are discovered. I'm telling you all of this because I see the same thing happening to you.

[Realist3]

DP ten characters

[beach]

You aren't staying on topic - because you intend to use these areas you bring up to make us think you are so great.

 

It also serves a purpose for you: to deflect from what you are about to do = cheat.

 

Work with your counselor MORE. Work on healthy boundaries, balance and self esteem.

 

Your need to impress is beyond normal range - and your need to control everything (even sex) is taking the fun out of living. Your striving for perfection sets you up for failure every time.

 

Your responses scream "look at me - I'm so great!" But really it's a fear based response - by your need to control and have things perfect.

 

Have you discussed your fears in detail with your counselor? What do you fear? Why that need to control so much?

 

 

Were things out of your control while you were growing up? Was there chaos?

[guya]

Wow, you people need to relax... I made the scratch comment to make a point; I am going to be busy and doing things the way I do them takes time. I have no need to impress people I don't even know. My comebt obviously bothered you; you should ask yourself why.

 

No, there wasn't chaos growing up; my parents are still married and they ran their own successful business growing up. Don't ask me how, but they still managed to be parents. My mother could tell you stories about my perfectionism dating back to when I was 2 years old! I've always been like this. She is the same way, though. I'm sure there are nature and nurture reasons behind it! Being a perfectionist was always admired and encouraged. Thankfully, my husband grew up the same way, so we are very well- matched in that sense.

 

Do you guys think we could go maybe a day even, without animosity towards my posts? It's very annoying. If you disagree with how I live, that's your problem, not mine - I'm not interested. Disagreeing is one thing; claiming I made an innocent comment to impress, is not.

 

And to the weird person who keeps asking about my ethnicity; yes, I'm white. What does that have to do with anything?

[redtail]

Do you guys think we could go maybe a day even, without animosity towards my posts?

Deal! Merry Christmas Princess!

 

It's very annoying. If you disagree with how I live, that's your problem, not mine

Sorry, but that's how the internet werks...

 

And to the weird person who keeps asking about my ethnicity; yes, I'm white. What does that have to do with anything?

Yeah, go figure?

[asiangirl]

Mrs. guya,

I didn't mean any harm when I asked you what is your ethnicity. I just want to know so I can see it more on your point of view, your culture of how you were raise, where you coming from in your viewpoints, etc...

I'm sorry if I rub you the wrong way.

 

I already give my opinion in my reply earlier. So all I can say now is 'Good Luck' to you on whatever you decide to do.

guya, Happy Holiday to you and your family!

[Mal78]

Do perfectionist have a higher tendency to cheat? I tried to find studies and/or articles that would suggest this however none to be had. I would think cheating would contradict their need to be perfect. Ie. Stepford wife mentality

 

I did find an article that includes a study on perfectionism effect on a relationship and that depression works hand and hand and/or parallel with perfectionism.

 

Many articles and studies that conclude depression often leads to infidelity. This makes sense. That constant *need* to be validated.

 

Perfectionism Linked Relationship Troubles

 

**side note, it is VERY hard to get a diagnosis of Narcisistic Personality Disorder as most Narcisist would have to admit a problem and if such case occurs it is also very difficult (near impossible) to treat.

 

Definition of a Narcisist :

 

By Mayo Clinic Staff

 

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that's vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

 

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. You may be generally unhappy and disappointed when you're not given the special favors or admiration you believe you deserve. Others may not enjoy being around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling.

 

Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around talk therapy (psychotherapy)

 

There is still a huge spectrum that can include few or all Narcisist traits.

[beach]

Yes, your obsession with this married OM is bound to lead to infidelity. And yes, you are over reacting.

 

Have you told your husband about your inappropriate interest/neediness with this particular MM?

 

 

Why not just try balancing out your perfect expectations a few times? Practicing contrary action helps people to grow and learn about themselves.

 

Let the hair be messy in the morning - heck, most men love that just took a romp in the hay hair/look. Let yourself sleep and wake up to your husband allowing him to view the natural you. Have messy sex! I mean it - try not worrying about a mess you're making and allow you and your husband to make a fun time of pure freedom. Sleep on the wet spot too! Ahaha!

 

 

It's hitting me in an odd way - that you don't really believe you are pretty so you have this need to do makeup/cover up your natural self.

 

Try it. It will help you learn more about your REAL beauty.

[Realist3]

Just to lighten the mood, let's scratch

[beach]

Just to lighten the mood, let's scratch

 

Got an itch?