What if he wants to read my posts?

[Stone]

My b/f has no idea how to turn on a computer witch is sad he's just not intrested. But if he wanted to I think I would let him read everything.

 

 

hummm maby he would realize what a jerk he is.

[d'Arthez]

Stone:

 

Maybe he would wonder also who your friends are, and why they are hiding behind these exotic foreign names. To add to his future confusion . And I don't think he would realize how much a jerk he is.

[ubermann]

We both post here, sometimes we've had conversations with each other that influences posts made here and then too it gives us something to talk about. But today i saw a thread I wanted to post on and she had posted there yesterday.

[fyrwyfe]

[color=blue]I don't know if he's read them yet... but we got into a bit of an arguement today because he told me he's not comfortable with me posting here. He doesn't like "the world" knowing our issues, doesn't think I should be asking for any advice from "strangers", and stated that I should JUST be following the advice of what our counselor says. Like I'm not doing that. He just doesn't need LS as an outlet like I do, and he's trying turn it into something 'bad' just because HE doesn't do it.

 

Stone - now sounds like your husbands way of thinking....

 

[/color]

[Nicholas]

You can manually block loveshack.org (or any site) and then unblock it later so that you're the only one accessing it.

 

Look for the "HOSTS" file in one of the following directories:

 

Windows XP = C:\WINDOWS\SYSTEM32\DRIVERS\ETC

Windows 2K = C:\WINNT\SYSTEM32\DRIVERS\ETC

Win 98\ME = C:\WINDOWS

 

Add the following line to the bottom:

 

127.0.0.1 loveshack.org

 

"127.0.0.1" is the address of your local machine. When you try to access 'loveshack.org', this addition will ensure that your browser never actually sends a request out to the internet, so you won't be able to view loveshack.org. When you want to view LS again, simply delete that line and resave the HOSTS file.

[tiki]

Originally posted by Nicholas

You can manually block loveshack.org (or any site) and then unblock it later so that you're the only one accessing it.

 

Look for the "HOSTS" file in one of the following directories:

 

Windows XP = C:\WINDOWS\SYSTEM32\DRIVERS\ETC

Windows 2K = C:\WINNT\SYSTEM32\DRIVERS\ETC

Win 98\ME = C:\WINDOWS

 

Add the following line to the bottom:

 

127.0.0.1 loveshack.org

 

"127.0.0.1" is the address of your local machine. When you try to access 'loveshack.org', this addition will ensure that your browser never actually sends a request out to the internet, so you won't be able to view loveshack.org. When you want to view LS again, simply delete that line and resave the HOSTS file.

 

Oh you so rule.

[Pocky]

My husband knows I post and he knows my member name. He could easily read everything I write. I doubt he does, though. He smirks at my participation on this online forum.

 

Personally, I don't feel you're obligated to tell your significant other that you post. However, if he finds the site and figures out your member name on his own then you can't tell him he's not allowed to look - it is an online forum after all.

[Owl]

I see your point Pocky...and you and I have disagreed on this before.

 

I'm of the opinion that secrets in a marriage spell trouble. And getting into the habit of keeping secrets (or lying about them, or hiding things) from your spouse is discourteous, disrespectful, and ultimately a VERY dangerous thing to do in a marriage.

 

It sets the stage for you to lie about anything else you decide to, for one thing. It gives you the space to successfully lie to them, and it helps establish in your own mind that lying to them is acceptable. "Well, I don't tell him about my posts on LS, so there's no reason that I should tell him that I'm IMing this guy too"

 

I know from personal experience that when I gave my wife space to be on the computer as she liked, it ultimately led to her having an online affair with someone. I'm not saying that it will in your case...but what it DID teach me is that we both need to be involved in what the other person is doing. That we both need to be accountable to each other on anything we do that could ultimately affect our marriage. You post here to get advice on how to deal with your marriage...so that DOES affect your marriage.

 

You asked for advice. Here's mine. Feel free to take it or not.

[Nicholas]

I'm of the opinion that secrets in a marriage spell trouble. And getting into the habit of keeping secrets...

There is an organic difference between secrecy and privacy.

[li'l bunny]

There is a difference between secrecy and privacy. You can tell your spouse that you are writing on LS (I do) - but I told him I would prefer if he didn't read the posts. He respects my privacy and admires my honesty.

 

No secrecy, yet privacy is still respected.

[Pocky]

Originally posted by Owl

I'm of the opinion that secrets in a marriage spell trouble. And getting into the habit of keeping secrets (or lying about them, or hiding things) from your spouse is discourteous, disrespectful, and ultimately a VERY dangerous thing to do in a marriage.

 

 

So once someone is in a relationship they completely lose their right to privacy? Any personal journals or diaries are now the property of both individuals? Any email written between friends, personal letters from family members, online journals or comments to anyone at any time throughout the day are the property of both individuals?

 

I do not think that dissolving a persons right to privacy is an appropriate attempt at thwarting infidelity. I don't think that one should completely lose their right to privacy simply because they enter into a relationship. While it is understood that when you enter into a relationship you become a part of a team, I don't think that you are required to completely compromise your right to be an individual.

 

I am the wife of [insert husband name], however I am and will always be [insert my name] first. I am not a piece of property that my husband now has part ownership of. I am an adult with rights and those rights were not dissolved when I said, "I do."

[fyrwyfe]

[color=darkblue]

When we have problems, I research how to get over them. I post here for advice, I read books, I research online... he's not that way. He doesn't understand the importance for me, in fact he views it as nothing more than "confiding in strangers" and cannot see that being useful at all. Given that, he has no interest in LS except to see what I'm doing on it. He knows I post here, I haven't lied to him, I'm not hiding anything... I just think that him logging on here simply to read my posts is almost like him opening up my personal journal & reading that. I write about things in my journal that I wouldn't want him to read - he HAS read those before & thrown it back in my face - way to salt the wound.

 

I don't particularly want that happening again, thus the reason I don't write in journals anymore... That's really sad I think - I remember my mother reading my sister's journal and how upset she was - I remember what it felt like when my mom read all the letters my friend & I had written to each other when we were 14... that's how it felt when he read my journal, and then to be pissed about things I had written.... OOOOOOH . I doubt he thinks he will discover some big secret in my LS posts, he just want to know every thought. In my situation I think it's more about him feeling entitled versus him being respectful...

[/color]

[Owl]

Originally posted by Pocky

So once someone is in a relationship they completely lose their right to privacy? Any personal journals or diaries are now the property of both individuals? Any email written between friends, personal letters from family members, online journals or comments to anyone at any time throughout the day are the property of both individuals?

 

Why not? What do you have to hide from him? What do you lose by sharing these things with him? And it works both ways...what does he have to hide from you? What does he lose sharing with you? The obvious answer to these questions should be...nothing. If you feel that you're losing anything by sharing with your spouse, then why did you marry in the first place?

 

Realize too that my comments are NOT gender/spouse specific. Yes, I feel that I should have the right to see my wife's emails....and you know what...she's got the right to see mine too! I do NOTHING that I would have an issue with my wife seeing...to include my posts here on LS. Would she be happy with all of these posts? I think not...much has to do with a very painful time in our lives. She knows I post here, and she's welcome to come and read them anytime. Anything she reads or sees posted by me hear would be absolutely open for discussion if she had any issues with what she saw.

 

I'm not a control freak, or else I'd refuse to admit to her same rights and privileges in this marriage as mine. I simply don't understand what it is that you would hide from your spouse that you couldn't/wouldn't share with them? And if you CAN'T talk about these things, then I'd be concerned about that more than keeping your privacy.

 

I do not think that dissolving a persons right to privacy is an appropriate attempt at thwarting infidelity. I don't think that one should completely lose their right to privacy simply because they enter into a relationship. While it is understood that when you enter into a relationship you become a part of a team, I don't think that you are required to completely compromise your right to be an individual.

 

So what are you going to do with that privacy? What does it give you? How does it make you, or your marriage better? How does having things that you don't share with your spouse make you feel better than not having it? I guess I fail to understand what the value of this is in your eyes that makes it greater than providing your spouse with the ability to understand you better, communicate with you better, and to reassure themselves that you BOTH are working together in building your marriage.

I am the wife of [insert husband name], however I am and will always be [insert my name] first. I am not a piece of property that my husband now has part ownership of. I am an adult with rights and those rights were not dissolved when I said, "I do."

 

Guess what...I agree! The minute I treat my wife like a piece of property is the day she's gonna kick my a$$!! LOL She's no meek, weak minded little girl. She's a grown adult, with her own hobbies, her own likes and dislikes, with her own friends. We don't do everything together, nor do I think we should. She absolutely has her own rights within this marriage, just as I do.

 

For many years I respected her 'right to privacy', although I never made such requirements for myself. I didn't see the need to hide anything from her. And you know what...it didn't pay off, at least in our marriage. It might in yours tho...obviously we're all different people.

 

Fyre-

 

I heartily suggest that you think about all that was written here on your thread...both sides. And then...the real kicker here...GO TALK WITH YOUR HUSBAND AND DECIDE JOINTLY WHAT YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND NEED TO DO TO HAVE A SUCCESSFULY RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER. Don't ask us if we think it's ok or not...if your husband is snooping, then the odds are he's got some reason for feeling insecure. It could be something that happened in the past, it could be a worry about what's going on now...but whatever it is, deal with that by TALKING about it. Looking to hide things from him won't help the situation. It will just make things far worse.

[Pocky]

For many years I respected her 'right to privacy', although I never made such requirements for myself. I didn't see the need to hide anything from her. And you know what...it didn't pay off, at least in our marriage. It might in yours tho...obviously we're all different people.

 

I agree with you. Different relationships have different needs and while one system may work for one couple it may not work for another. I've been in the relationship that denied me my right to privacy and I felt violated and mortified that I would be treated like a child and forced to sit by while a man read my personal thoughts. I promised I'd never do that to another person. I'd never rape them of their personal thoughts simply because I felt I had a right to know what was in their mind.

 

Luckily, I am in a marriage that respects the right to privacy and respects the right of an individual. While I'm certainly not in a perfect marriage and I am by no means a perfect person, I am in a relationship that afforded me the right to decide what I shared and wouldn't share. Unlike many people that are in relationships that require the abolishment of personal privacy, I told my husband everything about the affair. From the moment it started until the time it ended. Everything. And I did it because it was the right thing to do regardless of whether or not it was expected of me.

[Owl]

Pocky-

 

I would have to say that your case (perhaps like mine) is a one-in-a-million type circumstance. The fact that you were completely honest and open about every aspect of your affair is astonishing to me. I've never seen or heard anyone else who's situation was like that.

 

I am curious how your husband managed during that time...how did he take it? What did he do?

 

And I'm REALLY curious about this...so is your husband completely, 100% secure and totally comfortable in a belief that you will NEVER do something like this again? That you would tell him the absolute truth if another affair started? And he's totally comfortable with you maintaining friendships/relationships even with other guys that he's totally not part of?

 

If so, you got one helluva keeper there, lady! More power to you!