Slump

[Heather]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 1/2 years. We bought a house together a little over a year ago. We have the cars, the dog, all our accounts, everything together. Here is the problem. We both feel like we are more friends than boyfriend/girlfriend. We haven't had sex for over 3 months, and we just don't seem to do much together. It all came to a head the other day when he decided to go out with the guys for the third time in one week. He ususally goes out once or twice a week, and always has. I have no problem with that. However, three times in a week, when we haven't done anything for a while, just didn't feel right. I wrote him a letter (that I honestly did not intend to give him). I was venting and although it did reveal how I feel about things, it was harsher than I would have been in person. I basically said that he needed to think about what he wants out of life, and that I didn't want the kind of life where he goes out all the time without me. I also said that I loved him, but I did not love how I was feeling and that we needed to figure out if this was working anymore. He found the letter and it lead to a discussion the next day.

 

Here's what he told me he's feeling. He feels like we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. He says he's not ready for engagement or marriage (I think he feels pressure from me and our families) but that when he thinks of marriage it is with me. He said he wanted some space. We talked some more, and I agreed that I have had the same feelings, so although we both cried, and I was very sad, I can't blame him for having these feelings. I told him I didn't want him to leave. I wanted to just focus on having fun for the next few weeks and then talk about what we are going to do. He thought that was a good idea. I don't know if he has met someone, if he was upset about the letter and is on the defensive, or if he just doesn't want to be with me.

 

This morning I asked him if he felt better about us since we talked and he said yes. The last few days I have made dinner and we have watched T.V., laughed, and had a couple of really nice evenings. We are still sleeping in the same bed. He still puts his arm around me while we sleep. We are going to the movies tonight, and out with friends tomorrow night. I don't know if I just focus on having fun and paying more attention to things if that will fix it. I know that we will need to talk some more, but I feel like I just want to have a good couple of weeks before we talk again.

 

We are so much a part of each others family, lives, it hurts just to think about all of the things that we would have to do to get out of the realtionship. Most of all, he's my best friend, and I am his best friend. I know we could continue to have a wonderful life if we could just get out of this slump. I need some advice on how to proceed these next few weeks. Thank you.

[mimistar]

I don't think that having space yet still living together is such a good idea. You should have a deeper conversation and figure out why you both want space from eachother. People that truley loev eachother don't want space from eachother. Did you discuss what this space time will consist of? Can you see other people and keep your personal actions to yourselves, or are you both obligated to tell all. You have to set a clear cut line as to what your new situation will consist of. If not, things will get messy and you guys are gonna end up making things worse and hurting eachother.

 

I understand that its difficult to live apart considering you share everything, but you must thinks of your feelings first, not just practical matters of material items. Communication is key. But please, don't drag the realtionship just because its easier or comfortable to stay together; in the end its just harder. Good luck and just listen to your heart.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 1/2 years. We bought a house together a little over a year ago. We have the cars, the dog, all our accounts, everything together. Here is the problem. We both feel like we are more friends than boyfriend/girlfriend. We haven't had sex for over 3 months, and we just don't seem to do much together. It all came to a head the other day when he decided to go out with the guys for the third time in one week. He ususally goes out once or twice a week, and always has. I have no problem with that. However, three times in a week, when we haven't done anything for a while, just didn't feel right. I wrote him a letter (that I honestly did not intend to give him). I was venting and although it did reveal how I feel about things, it was harsher than I would have been in person. I basically said that he needed to think about what he wants out of life, and that I didn't want the kind of life where he goes out all the time without me. I also said that I loved him, but I did not love how I was feeling and that we needed to figure out if this was working anymore. He found the letter and it lead to a discussion the next day. Here's what he told me he's feeling. He feels like we aren't boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. He says he's not ready for engagement or marriage (I think he feels pressure from me and our families) but that when he thinks of marriage it is with me. He said he wanted some space. We talked some more, and I agreed that I have had the same feelings, so although we both cried, and I was very sad, I can't blame him for having these feelings. I told him I didn't want him to leave. I wanted to just focus on having fun for the next few weeks and then talk about what we are going to do. He thought that was a good idea. I don't know if he has met someone, if he was upset about the letter and is on the defensive, or if he just doesn't want to be with me. This morning I asked him if he felt better about us since we talked and he said yes. The last few days I have made dinner and we have watched T.V., laughed, and had a couple of really nice evenings. We are still sleeping in the same bed. He still puts his arm around me while we sleep. We are going to the movies tonight, and out with friends tomorrow night. I don't know if I just focus on having fun and paying more attention to things if that will fix it. I know that we will need to talk some more, but I feel like I just want to have a good couple of weeks before we talk again. We are so much a part of each others family, lives, it hurts just to think about all of the things that we would have to do to get out of the realtionship. Most of all, he's my best friend, and I am his best friend. I know we could continue to have a wonderful life if we could just get out of this slump. I need some advice on how to proceed these next few weeks. Thank you.