Girlfriends Male Best Friend

[huckleberry]

Hi All

 

I am a 34 year old man with a 32 year old girlfriend. We have been together just under 2 years, no kids, live seperate, we are very happy and very much in love but there is something nagging me hence this post!

 

My girlfriend has a lot of male friends, i have no problem with that as i trust her, they go out together for meals, to the movies, etc some of my friends find it strange i am okay with it but she has known these people for 10 x years and i have no doubts about them, i do think Men and Women can be friends.

 

However, there is one guy who is her best male friend and there is something about their relationship that nags me.

 

My girlfriend thinks the world of this guy, she does about me too, i think to her i am a kind loveable cheeky person who will look after her, but with him she seems to think he is some sort of cool amazing guy, he is the opposite to me in every way in appearance and personality, should also say here he also has a long term girlfriend.

 

I have met him once and liked him, he is a decent guy and we got on fine and i have also heard lots about him, if i am honest they are perhaps better suited to each other than me and my girlfriend, however me and my girlfriend get on so great, love each other to bits that is just seems to work between us.

 

That said there are some things which make me worry for the future -

 

Appearance wise, he is my girlfriends type

They have way more interests together than me an my girlfriend do

They work together (long hours) and spend a lot more time together than me and my girlfriend do.

Personality wise - as per above - he is perhaps more her type

 

They have known each other 10 x years and she has openly told me he knows things about her that nobody else does or ever will, i have a friend like that but its a male and i do find that unusual that he knows so much about her (she has loads of female friends, who she knows much better)

 

Also a few of her friends have told her that they assumed she would end up with him as they just thought it would end up that way.

 

They help each other with decorating, moving, shopping, etc more than i do with my girlfriend or he does with his girlfriend.

 

They have never been single at the same time, and she also went out with one of his friends for around 3 x years, but when he split with his fiancee he used to go my girlfriends every night, get some alcohol on the go and talk, she said he would stay in the spare room, she would stay in hers. This happened long before i got with my girlfriend but i think something happened between them, even more so because when i did meet him he let it slip that she was a nightmare for making the bed of a morning. I am not sure how i would feel if i did know they had slept together, it was in the past but because they are so close still i would find it unusual and that she made out they slept seperately.

 

The other thing is my girlfriend has a certain famous female who is her 'icon' i suppose, ie - she aims to look like her. This celebrity is very attractive but perhaps an acquired taste, she probably wouldnt be the usual type men would reel off if they fancied. However i found out recently that this guys ideal women just happens to be the celebrity my girlfriend wants to look like!

 

The time i did meet him as stated he was a decent guy, his girlfriend was also there, however there was definitely some spark between him and my girlfriend, i dont know if it was an attraction spark or something else but if you had walked in the room, you would of probably thought they were the couple. My girlfriend also worries about him a lot and does things like buys presents for him at works events because he refuses and she doesnt want people to think bad of him.

 

I have casually dropped it into my conversation about them and she said they are great friends and he is like a brother to her, that may well be right but i just cant help think that maybe circumstance (ie - she dated his friend, never been single same time, etc) may actually be the real reason they havent got together properly.

 

This is where i am confused though because i love my girlfriend more than anything and i know she loves me, we treat each other great and i really do want to spend my life with her, live together, have kids, etc i know its the old saying see how it goes but we have been together nearly two years and 90% of me would like to commit to her for life and start planning our future, but i only intend to do that once in my life but i just have this doubt that at some point in the future they will end up together or that am i actually a 2nd choice to her.

 

So confused and any help is appreciated.

[Try]

I have met him once and liked him, he is a decent guy and we got on fine and i have also heard lots about him, if i am honest they are perhaps better suited to each other than me and my girlfriend

They have known each other 10 x years and she has openly told me he knows things about her that nobody else does or ever will

They help each other with decorating, moving, shopping, etc more than i do with my girlfriend or he does with his girlfriend.

The time i did meet him as stated he was a decent guy, his girlfriend was also there, however there was definitely some spark between him and my girlfriend, i dont know if it was an attraction spark or something else but if you had walked in the room, you would of probably thought they were the couple.

i just have this doubt that at some point in the future they will end up together or that am i actually a 2nd choice to her.

In the 2 years that you have been a couple, she has spent much more time with him than you, yet you have only met him once? The one time that you met him, people would assume that they were the couple? The reason that she has kept the two of you apart is that she knows that if you saw them together enough, you would realize that they are more than just friends. You have good reason to have doubts. Trust your gut on this.

[smackie9]

Sorry but if it's to the point you want to propose marriage YOU are going to have to talk to her about how you feel simple as that. Take it from a woman that has been married for over 20 years....if you can't communicate with your partner, then your relationship/marriage will fail.

 

Basically you both need to sit down and discuss borders and expectations. IMO when you are in a relationship, out of respect for your partner, you need to adjust how you spend your time, and how you spend your time with others. Her going out like a couple doing things like a couple with said friend is not appropriate. Her emotional attachment to said guy is not appropriate. If she gets defensive, you know there is more to their relationship than meets the eye. She says he's like a brother to her....that's a cop out, she is not treating him like a brother. I don't know of anyone that heads off to movies, and goes shopping, run errands etc on a constant basis with their brother. She is over stepping the boundaries that need to be in place....something you are going to have to discuss.

 

Follow your gut....

[smackie9]

I speak from experience because I have a lot of male friends and I DO NOT do those kind of things with them. I might have a quick beer with them on the rare occasion but I don't go out with them to see a movie or take them shopping with me. Even when me and my husband were not living together, I had boundaries on what I did with them.

 

She needs to move forward with her life and grow up.

[lolablue17]

1. Did you ask her if something ever happened between them?

(Why would she lie to you?). You know, if something happened between them and they don't talk about it, its good for you. I have just a female friend + co worker like that. Nobody knows we had something to together long ago, We never talk about it even if we are alone together, and it's clear that there's no chance for us to touch each other even if we were both singles. It's a buried past.

 

2. Why don't you join more often to hanging out with her close friends and also with him? If you start doing so (gently and slowly) she might feel uncomfortable to mix between her worlds, I don't know. If she accept you with open arms to join her group, then I don't why should you worry about.

 

If she start resisting to you hanging out also with her friends, it still doesn't say that you should worry, but it could point a clue (A negative one) about your status in her life as she sees it.

[Omei]

Im going to offer a different perspective from someone who has had extremely long lasting friendships with both sex and had them while also being in a relationship successfully.

 

People here are saying the things they do together arnt normal....

 

Well for a best friend of 10x years like you say I think the activity's they do like movies and shopping are normal that is a long ass time to be friends and when your best friends hanging out like that to me is normal esp for that many years. Its not about private parts its about if you get along as people....

 

Try to take into thought some ppl here may have never had a friend that long or even one of the opposite sex or had a opposite sex friend for that long pior to their relationship so its easy for them to view it as something else.

 

Relationships and friendships today are no where near as solid as as they used to be and people forget what it used to be like when you did have a friend for that long lots of people no longer put that type of effort into their friendships, I am much like your gf with my male friendships I treat them the same as my female ones there is total understanding of no future of a sexual relationship that knowledge alone lets my male friendships flurish as deep as any friendship id have with a female. Lots of people dont know what's it is to have a deep long lasting friendship anymore and find that ended with them back in high school but there are ppl out there that still try, your gf sounds like one of those people.

 

From what you describe you trust her, continue trusting her for she is with you, if the desire was there for them to be more than friends that would of happened by now even if they have never been single at the same time 10x years that would of already been discussed at some point and its never happened so its likely its not going too.

 

The reason they get along so well is because they know that is the extent of their relationship and after so long are able to be that close without sexual relation.

 

Until she proves you wrong dont ruin it for yourself with these worry's.

 

If you really feel they spend too much time together talk it out, or like someone else said join in, just remember this friendship is deep and long its apart of her life.

 

You are not second best, you just have this worry remember until she starts acting shady don't ruin it with worry from your post sounds like you know she loves you, you feel it hold onto that fact. If shes not acting different than when you fell for her why worry now

Edited December 16, 2014 by Omei

[drifter777]

Is this for real or are you giving us a story? Because if it's for real then your girlfriend not only has ZERO boundaries, she thinks you are an idiot.

 

The relationship you describe here with her spending time routinely with other men is the kind of relationship you'd expect if you were just casually dating. You would go out now and then, enjoy each others company at dinner or a movie, and then have sex. But each of you understand that you are in no way committed and dating other people is expected. Obviously, this is how your GF sees your relationship. All the decorating and shopping and helping each other move is nothing more or less than a series of dates. They enjoy each others company while out on these dates and then go home and have sex. He isn't married so keeping his GF in the dark is not very hard. And, clearly, keeping you in the dark is a piece of cake.

 

If you are really in love with this woman then you need to have the boundary discussion now. Basically, she has to stop dating other men - her "best friend" in particular. She would need to understand that virtually all of the activities you listed that she does - alone - with other men are now off limits. If she refuses, walk away. If she is serious about your relationship she will understand and help both of you define boundaries that you need to honor in your relationship.

[lolablue17]

Until she proves you wrong dont ruin it for yourself with these worry's.

 

If you really feel they spend too much time together talk it out, or like someone else said join in, just remember this friendship is deep and long its apart of her life.

 

You are not second best, you just have this worry remember until she starts acting shady don't ruin it with worry from your post sounds like you know she loves you, you feel it hold onto that fact. If shes not acting different than when you fell for her why worry now

 

Maybe the problem isn't just in the future and the insecurity isn't about the sex issue. You actually say that a girl in a relationship should live the exact way she did before the R, except she shouldn't sleep with others... besides that nothing should change... (according to you)

 

I think that when you are in a relationship, especially in the first years a girl can also reduce the amount of times she goes out with her female friends. And reduce the "shopping together" and everything together. Of course she's allowed to do what ever she wants but not all is formality.

 

If I was her BF i'd expect her to be a lot of time with me, do shopping with me, hanging out a lot with me. It doesn't mean she should cut all contact with her friends but if she's busy with her boyfriend, it must somehow take time frames from others, her friends and also her male friend. Because if she's seeing this male friend all day at work, and also hangs out with him, dinners, shopping, god knows what - When does she have time for her boyfriend?

 

It's a matter of proportion. The OP is concerned because she invests a lot in that friendship, maybe a littel too much...

[Omei]

Maybe the problem isn't just in the future and the insecurity isn't about the sex issue. You actually say that a girl in a relationship should live the exact way she did before the R, except she shouldn't sleep with others... besides that nothing should change... (according to you)

 

I think that when you are in a relationship, especially in the first years a girl can also reduce the amount of times she goes out with her female friends. And reduce the "shopping together" and everything together. Of course she's allowed to do what ever she wants but not all is formality.

 

If I was her BF i'd expect her to be a lot of time with me, do shopping with me, hanging out a lot with me. It doesn't mean she should cut all contact with her friends but if she's busy with her boyfriend, it must somehow take time frames from others, her friends and also her male friend. Because if she's seeing this male friend all day at work, and also hangs out with him, dinners, shopping, god knows what - When does she have time for her boyfriend?

 

It's a matter of proportion. The OP is concerned because she invests a lot in that friendship, maybe a littel too much...

 

I said I was offering a different perspective most people jump to the bad off the hop, the OP seems to compare their compatibility to her friend.

 

He expresses no concern of cheating he actually states the type of hang outs they do don't bother him and he trusts the relationship.

 

Things like them working together is time spent that cannot be helped.

 

It's a jealousy issue, He didn't speak of any failed attempts to spend more time with her just feels shes around her friend more he needs to ask her first off before we put blame into her not giving him enough attention shes prob just being the friend she has always been and has no idea OP feels this way.......all OP needs to do is ask and start including himself which he isn't.

Edited December 16, 2014 by Omei

[Rydo]

I don't think there is anything wrong with what you have described.

 

I dated a girl for a while who had a couple of male friends and one main male best friend. They knew each other for about the same amount of time and I always thought they seemed well suited. I never actually met him as we didn't date for that long but he seemed like my type of guy and he knew all about me.

 

Actually he knew all about every guy she had ever dated and exactly what she did with each of these guys.

 

They ended up flat sharing(my suggestion though it didn't happen til after we finished dating) she was having family trouble and there wasn't a chance she was moving in with me despite the fact she was hinting at this idea. Unfortunately after about 6 months and one or two sleepovers with other guys at her flat he decided to tell her he had fallen for her. They got along great up to then and he was actually a good looking guy but she ended up moving out shortly after as she no longer felt comfortable living with him, now they aren't friends at all which is a shame. Personally I think she is mad as they seemed perfect for each other to everyone else.

 

So for 10 years they were nothing but friends and without my interference they would probably still be friends... Ooops

 

Also I was friends with her for a while after we stopped dating, on my part it was purely friendship though I thought maybe in the future when I was done being single we would have got together again but she fell out with me as soon as I was more than just casual with someone else.

[Omei]

I don't think there is anything wrong with what you have described.

 

I dated a girl for a while who had a couple of male friends and one main male best friend. They knew each other for about the same amount of time and I always thought they seemed well suited. I never actually met him as we didn't date for that long but he seemed like my type of guy and he knew all about me.

 

Actually he knew all about every guy she had ever dated and exactly what she did with each of these guys.

 

They ended up flat sharing(my suggestion though it didn't happen til after we finished dating) she was having family trouble and there wasn't a chance she was moving in with me despite the fact she was hinting at this idea. Unfortunately after about 6 months and one or two sleepovers with other guys at her flat he decided to tell her he had fallen for her. They got along great up to then and he was actually a good looking guy but she ended up moving out shortly after as she no longer felt comfortable living with him, now they aren't friends at all which is a shame. Personally I think she is mad as they seemed perfect for each other to everyone else.

 

So for 10 years they were nothing but friends and without my interference they would probably still be friends... Ooops

 

Also I was friends with her for a while after we stopped dating, on my part it was purely friendship though I thought maybe in the future when I was done being single we would have got together again but she fell out with me as soon as I was more than just casual with someone else.

 

Its not your fault you said so yourself relationship for years then he comes out with feelings if one of my male friends did that I would have to not be his friend anymore also the whole thing would be shattered.

[Rydo]

Its not your fault you said so yourself relationship for years then he comes out with feelings if one of my male friends did that I would have to not be his friend anymore also the whole thing would be shattered.

 

Don't worry I don't do guilt, I am a man afterall

 

She didn't blame me either, it was other things that got her mad.

 

Too many people on here don't think guys and girls can be just friends and will say it like it can't possibly happen to anyone just because it doesn't to them.

[lolablue17]

It's a jealousy issue, He didn't speak of any failed attempts to spend more time with her just feels shes around her friend more he needs to ask her first off before we put blame into her not giving him enough attention shes prob just being the friend she has always been and has no idea OP feels this way.......all OP needs to do is ask and start including himself which he isn't.

 

So maybe the real issue is better communication with the girl he consider marrying.

[d0nnivain]

My take is very different from other's perspectives.

 

 

She has had 10 years to determine her relationship with him. They chose friendship. She is dating & is presumably intimate with you. She picked you, not him. Go with that.

[Omei]

I am interested to know if OP has yet expressed his feelings to his partner and the outcome.

[Try]

She has had 10 years to determine her relationship with him. They chose friendship.

And you know this how? With all of the red flags, I do not know how you can say this with any certainty. To name just a few:

1) She has only thought to have the OP meet the other man (OM) 1 time in 2 years.

2) When the OP did meet the OM, the OP saw sparks between her and the OM, and said that anyone that looked at them together would think that they were the couple and not her and the OP.

3) All her friends have always assumed that she and the OM would end up together.

4) The OM has spent the night many times over at her house drinking and commented about her making her bed.

5) She confides in the OM more than she does the OP.

6) Acting like they are a couple, she often buys him gifts for him to give to others as if they came from him.

7) Her style and dress is aimed at pleasing the OM and not at the OP.

 

Tell me why you are so certain that she and the OM are not in a long term emotional affair? If I was looking to marry someone, I would want to be their primary emotional relationship. Also, why do you believe for sure that they have never been physically romantic with each other? Another thing, what if she is the one that has been pursing him all these years, and the OM has been the one keeping it friends, should the OP be OK her settling on the OP as she keeps the OM in her daily life?

[d0nnivain]

And you know this how? With all of the red flags, I do not know how you can say this with any certainty. To name just a few:

1) She has only thought to have the OP meet the other man (OM) 1 time in 2 years.

2) When the OP did meet the OM, the OP saw sparks between her and the OM, and said that anyone that looked at them together would think that they were the couple and not her and the OP.

3) All her friends have always assumed that she and the OM would end up together.

4) The OM has spent the night many times over at her house drinking and commented about her making her bed.

5) She confides in the OM more than she does the OP.

6) Acting like they are a couple, she often buys him gifts for him to give to others as if they came from him.

7) Her style and dress is aimed at pleasing the OM and not at the OP.

 

Tell me why you are so certain that she and the OM are not in a long term emotional affair? If I was looking to marry someone, I would want to be their primary emotional relationship. Also, why do you believe for sure that they have never been physically romantic with each other? Another thing, what if she is the one that has been pursing him all these years, and the OM has been the one keeping it friends, should the OP be OK her settling on the OP as she keeps the OM in her daily life?

 

My experience is different then yours. I have tons of guy friends. Some my husband knows & hangs out with. Others he has barely seen. I don't hide these people but there are rarely reasons to get them all together.

 

Granted I don't dress to please those guys but every other thing you consider a red flag could be said about me. Yet, I didn't date those guys. I would be the stand-in if they needed a date / companion to something like a wedding but there was never any hanky-panky . . . a bit of flirting but everything remained on the correct side of PG.

 

I don't date people I don't trust. If the person I was dating told me there was nothing going on with an opposite sex friend, if I didn't believe that I'd simply walk away not sit & stew & wonder & worry. Just because one person in a relationship is paranoid that the other is cheating does not make that person unfaithful. If there is no trust, what's the point? I'm not saying turn a blind eye but you can't think the worst all the time either.

 

Over the years I have "consulted" or ghost shopped for probably a dozen men. Most of the time their wives & GFs had some inkling it was going on (me shopping) and we thrilled they were getting better presents. My cousin hadn't bough the women in his life gifts in 20+ years; his female BFF does it for him & everybody is happier.

 

Not everything is sordid.

[Try]

My experience is different then yours. I have tons of guy friends. Some my husband knows & hangs out with. Others he has barely seen. I don't hide these people but there are rarely reasons to get them all together.

 

Granted I don't dress to please those guys but every other thing you consider a red flag could be said about me.

Really, "every other thing" mentioned, other then dressing to please a guy friend, "could be said about" you and one of your guy friends? So when your husband meets one of your guy friends he would see sparks between you and this guy friend, and anyone that saw you, this guy and your husband together, would think that you and this guy friend were the couple and that your husband was the friend? Do all of your friends assume that you and this guy friend will eventually end up together? When your husband is not home, does this guy friend spend the night at your home drinking with you? Do your really confide in this guy friend more than you do your husband? You are right. If that is OK with your husband, your experience is different then mine. Edited December 18, 2014 by Try

[d0nnivain]

Really, "every other thing" mentioned, other then dressing to please a guy friend, "could be said about" you and one of your guy friends? So when your husband meets one of your guy friends he would see sparks between you and this guy friend, and anyone that saw you, this guy and your husband together, would think that you and this guy friend were the couple and that your husband was the friend? Do all of your friends assume that you and this guy friend will eventually end up together? When your husband is not home, does this guy friend spend the night at your home drinking with you? Do your really confide in this guy friend more than you do your husband? You are right. If that is OK with your husband, your experience is different then mine.

 

 

You asked me why. I told you my experience. My relationship is just fine. Thank you very much.

 

 

I may have overstated "every" aspect because there are no sparks but I do talk to these guys & on certain subjects & at different times have been confidants for each other. I even helped two picked out their wives engagement rings. I have gone drinking with them. . . before & after I was married. I have traveled with a few. I have slept in the same building as a few. Throughout it all we all knew and know where the lines are drawn.

 

 

This about the OP. My response stands. Not every interaction with members of the opposite sex is sordid. If there is no trust in a relationship, there is no relationship.

 

 

If the OP doesn't want to deal with his GF's friends he doesn't have to. He can break up with her but to suggest that every interaction with old friends is an affront to his relationship is unrealistic.

[WomenWubber]

OP,

 

if you really trust your girlfriend, then you show her this thread. Sit down with her and verbalize your feelings to her on this matter.

[Try]

Not every interaction with members of the opposite sex is sordid.

And as we have read many times on this site, not every interaction with members of the opposite sex is platonic.

 

He can break up with her but to suggest that every interaction with old friends is an affront to his relationship is unrealistic.

To suggest that I ever said that "every interaction with old friends is an affront to his relationship" is untrue. The situation with the OP and his girlfriend is a specif situation, different from yours, that strongly indicates that the OP's relationship with the other man is very unhealthy for the OP's long term relationship with his girlfriend. You do not appear to be in an emotional affair with any of your guy friends, while she is openly in one with the other man.

[ascendotum]

OP,

 

if you really trust your girlfriend, then you show her this thread. Sit down with her and verbalize your feelings to her on this matter.

 

I think he needs to too. I totally get why he has concerns. My feel is that she is not having an affair with her best guy friend, but I'd place a bet that they had a fling back after his breakup when he was staying over at her place needing consolation with her & alcohol. Even if there is nothing sordid happening currently that alone would upset a lot of guys. (then there is the 7 point post from Try) They would not want their gf hanging out 1 on 1 with a guy she had banged in the past and still got on reeeally well with. I'm very tolerant on a gf having male friends, but I'd feel like the OP does in such a scenario.

 

My guess is that she been buddies with him for years and is used to this closeness with him (I wonder if bfs before were cool with it) so I bet she wont be too happy paring it back. If she wants to make the primary man in her life happy then she is going to have to set some boundaries.

[Diezel]

They work together (long hours) and spend a lot more time together than me and my girlfriend do.

 

They help each other with decorating, moving, shopping, etc more than i do with my girlfriend or he does with his girlfriend.

 

This thread was over for me right here.

Any man who spends more time with my girlfriend than I do, better be a family member.