hono Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 All my friends are getting married. In the past year and a half it seems that everyone I know has gotten engaged. I've been with my girlfriend for four years now. We met in college and I treasure her and I love her and getting married seems like the obvious next move. She's ready. If I asked her tomorrow she'd say yes without a moments hesitation. Frankly, I think she might start to get ancy soon. But I don't feel ready. My parents are divorced and I don't ever want to do that to my kids and I know I can't predict the future but how do you know when its time? And how do you know when the person is the right one. There's so much I love about her but there's also so much I can't stand about her. And I can't imagine leaving her but at the same time I don't know if we're really the best match in the world - just a very very good one. I've been saving money for a ring for nine months now but I'm way too scared to buy one. What should I do? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 Understand that nobody is wonderful, sexy and amazing all of the time. ALL relationships have thier good and bad. There are things about my BF I Love about him and there are things about him as well that I'm not so crazy about however the positives out-weigh the negatives. You've been with your GF for 4 years.. IMO that is more than enough time (considering the 2 of you are not kids) to know her very well and to move forward with the relationship in a direction that is mutually wanted.. that could be living together (If you do not already) getting engaged and planning your wedding.. whatever. Because your parents got divorced doesn't mean you are destined to go down that road as well. My advice is don't look for someone who is *perfect* in all ways.. just pretty damn perfect for what your needs/wants are. Don't allow fear to drive you;) Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 23, 2005 Share Posted March 23, 2005 you know when it feels like a sure thing. That no matter how nuts he or she drives you, you still want that person to be the one who drives you nuts. Who you'll wake up next to 30-40 years down the road. Who helps you to see that worries about tomorrow are nothing, in the overall scheme of things. Who you'll still want to share your day with many, many years from now. Mind you, nothing is guaranteed in life except death and taxes, but the person who inspires you to take chances while gladly accepting the consequences is the one who is a sure thing. whatever you do, try very hard not to let your parents' situation dictate how you respond to the love you're given, because what they have is a whole other animal than what you experience. You are not them, and they are not you. If anything, learn from their mistakes but don't let them rule you -- the only way you'll fail is if you set yourself up to do so. I see a lot of scared people pursuing love, even to the point of marrying, but letting their fears of what happened to a parent or sibling dictate their own relationships, which only sells their relationship short from the get-go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hono Posted March 23, 2005 Author Share Posted March 23, 2005 Thank you Merin and Quankanne for your thoughtful and caring responses. I appreciate them a lot. I live with my girlfriend now and its the life I want. And I guess if we were living a hundred years ago and I had to marry her in order to make a life with her, I would have already done it. And so I guess that answers my question. But at the same time, the only real reason I've been saving for this ring and stressing over these questions so much is because I feel like everyone else thinks its time to get married. All my friends are getting married. My girlfriend is ready. And what might be worse is that her entire family is eagerly awaiting a proposal. Each time I see her mother I can feel her anxiety over the fact that I haven't asked her daughter yet. And yes, I think I see us getting married in the future, but I don't want to get married because I'm being pressured into it. Link to post Share on other sites
mo8503 Posted March 24, 2005 Share Posted March 24, 2005 My boyfriend always tells me that whatever quirk drives you nuts now... multiply that by 10. If you can see yourself being able to love them through all those annoyances, then you know that they are the one. My pastor made a note a couple of weeks ago that there is so much pressure on a couple pertaining to when they should step out and get married. He said that it wasn't about the couple being debt free, having 2 cars, being out of school, or having the best job on Earth... but that it was all about when the couple could support life together. When they have a job. Whether they are in school still or not. If they ride the bus, or drive their own car. He said that a couple should get married when they feel the relationship is ready and at its best. Besides, why are you dating them if you don't plan on marrying them? (just somthing to think about) Link to post Share on other sites
tigerskye Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 You sound just like my boyfriend. Me and him having been dating or 3 1/2 years and I am really ready and it is actually starting to drive me insane because all I want is to finish my next semster in school, get married and have kids. But he doesn't know if it is right yet. I think that if you can be with someone for over 4 years, it is time to either figure out what you want, marriage or leave. And really my advice is you don't need to keep going on with this girl, if you are not gonna ask her. You don't need to keep dating her and then leave her because she was ready, kept asking, it made you stressed so you leave. YOu need to really sit down, think about it and either ask her or leave her. You don't need to keep dating just because you can. She needs to be loved and doesn't need to be with someone that is not gonna marry her whether she loves you or not! She has to love you to be with you for four years and you love her. You do need to get ready to do something and either move to next step or move on. That is my advice because I am a girl in her situation. I wish my boyfriend whether either ask me or leave me because I cannot take much more or feeling like I am never gonna get anymore but where I am! Link to post Share on other sites
tigerskye Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 OH yeah. BTW I said you were like my boyfriend in the way in my other response. But also I forgot to say his parents got a divorce and I have a feeling that is why he doesn't want to ask me yet. But that should not be a factor because no one's relationship with someone is exactly the same as another. Don't let your parents affect you! Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted March 28, 2005 Share Posted March 28, 2005 You've received some good advice. And yes, I think it's important not to expect perfection- noone will be good enough if you do! Plus, dont let your parents divorce influence your decision. My parents are divorced and so are my fiance's, and yet we are going forward full of hope. We know the risks. There are things about each other that drive us both insane sometimes. But we love each other deeply. The good outweighs the bad. Good luck. Just remember, the grass is not always greener. But, at the same time, marriage is for life, so it is good and smart to think things through carefully, just as you are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
grencija Posted April 12, 2005 Share Posted April 12, 2005 well, it seems like you are really looking for confirmation - that ES - you should marry her. i am pretty sure everyone of your friends was a little bit scared too before poping up THE question. Just think that with delaying things you might lose her... just a little bit of humour - my best friend was dating a guy for 3 years and he was not proposing. All our friends were getting married.. they were living together. then she told him that she feels that he is using her and doesnot want to marry her and therefore she has not sex drive whatsoever... well after not having any sex for 2 months he proposed... i am dating the guy for almost two years... and i will dump him in the months time (when it is going to be 2 years) if he will not propose to me. (i have not warned him). so think - that she can do some action too and may be you might not like it... Link to post Share on other sites
Intuition & Smarts Posted April 17, 2005 Share Posted April 17, 2005 The sad truth is that we can never be sure we’re with the absolutely best person for us in the whole world, because there's not enough time in a lifetime to try out everyone in the world to see if we’ve got the best one for us. So, after a reasonable amount of time dating, you choose someone based on your experiences. You choose someone with whom you’re happier or as happy or even just more content than you have been with anyone in the past. It’s not too much to expect that someone will be your lover, companion, confident, friend, intellectual equal and soul-mate. But it is too much to expect that they’ll be your only friend, companion, etc. Being swept away only lasts a short time, but a good marriage lasts a lifetime. Frankly, what usually happens when you're swept away in a romantic frenzy is that the relationship burns red hot for a while, but soon there’s nothing but ashes. I’m not telling you to compromise on important things, but don’t have unrealistic Hollywood fantasies of what a relationship should be – you’re sure to be disappointed no matter who you’re with. Instead of comparing your relationship to a fairy tale or romance novel, try comparing it to other real relationships around you and that you’ve been involved in. Then you’ll be able to make a decision based in reality, not fantasy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hono Posted April 26, 2005 Author Share Posted April 26, 2005 Thanks all, actually, after giving myself the time I needed (quite a long time, as it turns out) I've found out that I actually want to get married and I'm currently shopping for a ring cheers Link to post Share on other sites
grencija Posted April 29, 2005 Share Posted April 29, 2005 congrats Hono! it sounds like you have made a right decision! good luck to you both Link to post Share on other sites
tashcha Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 just like to congratulate you on making the right decision. I am sure that your girlfriend will be over the moon. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 hey that's great! well done. You sound smart- you've taken the time to think about this, rather than jumping in. Good on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Jolene Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 If, after four years, you are still humming and hawing about marrying this girl....move on! You can be very good friends....but you are not in "crazy" love with her...you know, the kind of love that marriages are made of. The ONE is still out there!!!! Go get her. (Unless, the reason you aren't ready is for financial reasons...I mean, like, if you are Italian or Greek and just don't have the wherwithal to fund the big wedding yet...that's a different story) ~Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted June 23, 2005 Share Posted June 23, 2005 Jolene read the whole thread Link to post Share on other sites
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