Did he just dump me for good? Is it at all possible he loves me?

[stillafool]

my kids still depise the "other woman" and it's been over 5 years. she went to a family reunion of his side of the family of which my children also attended. the kids do not talk to her, the only one that talks to her is him.

 

the kids said that she has gained weight, that they still do not live together and that she seems very sad. she thought that they would be married by now and they are not.

 

so, to answer the OP's question: hopefully he dumped you! move on. don't settle for a leftover life.

 

be the first wife.

 

I get them despising the OW, but do they have a relationship with their dad? My thinking is that they do. People divorce, the kids get mad at the affair parent for a while, but still end up healing their relationship with the parent. They owe the OW nothing and sometimes they like her but most of the time they don't.

[stillafool]

Monica how old are you?

[Cressida]

Monica, I think bathrub's post about him loving you (I think it was bathrub...) is quite on the spot. I also think he does love you but overall, the impact this love has on him isn't the type of impact his family has. It isn't that he loves you 'less', I bet that in romantic terms, he loves you much more than he does his wife.

 

The thing is, he could be 'caring' for her in a 'different' way, like my exMM used to tell me. That there's 'affection' and 'care', and that 'it isn't like that'. The problem is that, from what I have noticed, this type of attachment which has been cultivated over a long time tends to impact on him much more than the love he has for you. His wife is like his 'universe', he identifies with her, their common story, their family, children, family friends, etc. Particularly if they shared varied, different experiences over the lifespan of their marriage- changing jobs, moving to different states/countries, making new friends as a couple etc.

 

My exMM got married quite young so when I met him he had already been married for pretty much his entire adult life. Whatever it was that I thought of his wife and despite his love for me, I always felt like he would never trust me as he trusted her, or put me on the same position as he put her. I would have always been the 'second' one, a brand new 'toy' but something that doesn't have the same history as he does, someone he basically doesn't even know compared to his 'ex' wife (assuming he would have married me like he said), the younger woman whose best years are yet to come, who could dump him for a younger stud, etc.

 

Unless the wife does something bad, i.e. cheating, lying, going behind his back, etc., a husband wouldn't really leave her, particularly when there are children involved. It's like boredom is awful and scary for men, they huff and puff about it, but it doesn't even matter compared to their need for self-assurance, safety, feeling of belonging and 'ownership' at the same time- HIS family, HIS wife, etc. Try to tell a 65 year-old man who literally hates his wife's guts that she's a slut or anything of the sort, within two seconds he'll try to rip you apart with his bare hands. It is HIM reflected in her, and this is the simplest explanation I'm afraid.

 

I recently read this interesting article on a journalist's blog, it was about a study conducted in Europe and the US which found that women are more likely to file for divorce simply on the basis of being 'in love', while men are much more reluctant to do so.

 

Now, I want to ask, how old are his children? If he is having an extra-marital relationship with someone 20 years younger, I doubt his children are in pre-school. They should be in college/graduating high-school by now. They are not toddlers crying from teething, while his homemaker wife is dangling one on a hip and pushing the pram with the other one in, trying to call the pediatrician for an appointment, balance the bills, go shopping, do household work and basically live a typically exhausting life that would require 100% of his input and presence. He wouldn't be 'leaving' infants at home.

 

I think this is a point because regardless of how judgmental teenagers can be (I suspect his kids are in that age bracket), a man who wants to do something does it. We do hear/see the occasional cases of divorce and split parenting of very young children. Why can't he explain his teen kids that he's better off with someone else on a personal level, but he will always be the same dedicated loving father?

 

I share the same opinion as previously expressed here, that he is just out of excuses and despite loving you, he needs and values his family more, as he sees them as his stability. We can live without romantic love, but we can't live without a sense of safety and security, it's a basic Maslow pyramid need.

Edited December 17, 2014 by Cressida

[Monicaxxx]

Thank you all for your replies.

 

Just to answer some of your questions:

 

I am 31, he is 51 (I know, that's a lot but he is very fit, probably even fitter than me as he tuns marathons and I couldn't do that). He looks much younger too than he is too.

 

His kids are more or less 8, 12 and 15 years old, I don't remember exactly but it would be something like this.

 

His wife is 45, she's his 2nd wife. He was married first time when he was in his early 20s and he got divorced after a year or two. He doesn't have kids with his 1st wife.

 

 

When I read your replies I become angry at myself and at him. that he was just using me and that I let him do it. I still love him but I feel so hurt that he didn't really love me as I need to agree with you that if he loved me, he would have be with me by now.

 

 

I feel so much anger now... that I trusted him.

[Monicaxxx]

So what happens now... will I start hating him? :-(

 

At the moment I feel like I don't ever want to reply to him if he decides to contact me after a while. I don't want to be his second choice. I don't want him to disrespect me and to think that he can have me whenever he wants.

 

I love him so much but I'm afraid I can't forgive him for not choosing me, even though I know how important his kids are to him.

 

It hurts so much, I will go crazy :-(

Edited December 18, 2014 by Monicaxxx

[jellybean89]

I don't believe you love him. You don't know him. You know who he showed you in snippets of time. You don't live with him, know all his habits, know how he handles money, chores, etc. he didn't show you ALL of him.

 

So what if he is a "fit" 51. He is married and doesn't plan to leave. His actions show you that.

 

Were you used? Who knows. He got his rocks off, got his ego fed and got you to fawn all over him. He goes from your bed to his home, where his wife and kids were waiting for him. And he played the part of faithful husband, truth worthy dad. Lies. I don't get how people can do that.

 

Leave them both alone. Move forward with your life. Grieve the end of it and learn from it.

[bathtub-row]

I just think you'd be better off not thinking about this in terms of him having used you. Most people are blind-sided by affairs and they rarely know the right thing to do, especially the person who's married. Instead of getting pissed off, you might just want to remember that you knew the risks going in. Whether you admit that to yourself or not, you simply could not ignore the fact that he was married.

 

I did this with my xMM, knew his reputation for several years before he and I got involved. I never once heard anyone call him a womanizer or anything else along those lines. When he became interested in me, I was quite surprised by it. I thought that, because I knew him, knew his reputation, I thought that he would not pursue me unless he planned to leave his marriage. Well, guess what? I was dead wrong. Did he use me? I don't really think so. There were times when I thought that but in the deepest recesses of my soul, I just don't believe that. He was lost and hurt by his marriage and found a dear friend in me. Was I hurt after all was said and done? You bet. I was beyond hurt, beyond crushed. But, no matter how much I thought he was a sure thing, the truth is, he was married and I knew it. I broke a solid rule of mine for the first time in my life (not to get involved with a MM), and I paid dearly for breaking that rule.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes we have to take a deep breath, realize that we made an epic mistake that cost us our hearts, and do what we have to do to move past it. As Oprah always says, "When you know better, you do better." Now you know better. Don't repeat the mistake. Know that someday, the pain will stop and you'll be whole again. And stronger. And smarter. That's not completely bad. I know it hurts right now, and I personally know how much it hurts. I hate that anyone has to go through that. But you must because you have too much life to live and more love to find.

[FusionCutter]

You can choose your own reality. It's pure torture to try and "understand" the actions of your MM. You can choose to believe he used you, or that he truly loved you, but it wasn't meant to be. Either way. You probably struggle for answers. Stop fighting and learn how to let it go. It will become easier. I promise.

[truncated]

Not yet, she just told him she wanted a divorce. It's very fresh. He wants to see if he can fix it for his kids as they don't want him to leave their mom.

 

9, 12 and 15

 

He's much older than me.

 

Oh dear god. Are you telling me he took this to his KIDS ebfore he had decided for sure what to do?

Please tell me I misundersttod that, as if that's what he did, he is an idiot. Nice way to place his burden's on his kid's shoulders. He leaves, it's "daddy didn't love us enough to stay", he stays" daddy was miserable in his marriage because of us".

 

Idiot.

[whichwayisup]

Would like to know how much of what he told me about their marriage was a lie... and how much was true.

 

..because yes, I know only what he told me.

 

Chances are very high that he greatly exaggerated his marital issues to suit him in the best possible light in your eyes. I mean if he'd told you he was so happy at home with his wife, had sex with her a lot, and adored her -I'm sure you wouldn't want to be his OW and have an affair with him.

 

Realistically - He has 3 young kids, 2 not even teens yet so even if you DID end up together, would you really want to be 'stepmom' to 3 kids and have to deal with his ex wife for the rest of your life?

 

GET MAD, see him for who he is. A selfish man who chose to have an affair with a woman half his age. HE has taken from you, lied to you, selfishly manipulated you..In time you'll see just how much.

[Monicaxxx]

"When you know better, you do better." Now you know better. Don't repeat the mistake. Know that someday, the pain will stop and you'll be whole again. And stronger. And smarter.

 

I learned my lesson and I will not get involved with a MM again.

But how does it make me stronger? I am so hurt and feel so weak now. Especially that |i still love him and will never stop completely.

[Monicaxxx]

Oh dear god. Are you telling me he took this to his KIDS ebfore he had decided for sure what to do?

Please tell me I misundersttod that, as if that's what he did, he is an idiot. Nice way to place his burden's on his kid's shoulders. He leaves, it's "daddy didn't love us enough to stay", he stays" daddy was miserable in his marriage because of us".

 

Idiot.

 

His wife told their kids on the evening she found out. I think they could hear them arguing about it.

[Lovemesomehim]

Monicaxxx - it does not matter if you end up hating him or loving him. What matters the most is Y. O. U.

 

I know for a fact, that everyone who commented on your post, gave you the best advice possible. Now it is up to you to determine who you love the most, yourself or someone who has willingly hurt you. I say he has willingly hurt you because when he started this affair, he was a married man with children. He knew if his wife found out, he would run the risk of losing his family. He chose to stay with his family because he knew all along that when the rubber met the road, his direction would always lead him home.

[Monicaxxx]

Monicaxxx - it does not matter if you end up hating him or loving him. What matters the most is Y. O. U.

 

I know for a fact, that everyone who commented on your post, gave you the best advice possible. Now it is up to you to determine who you love the most, yourself or someone who has willingly hurt you. I say he has willingly hurt you because when he started this affair, he was a married man with children. He knew if his wife found out, he would run the risk of losing his family. He chose to stay with his family because he knew all along that when the rubber met the road, his direction would always lead him home.

 

 

 

I feel so sad and disappointed as it becomes more and more obvious to me that he would have left her by now if he loved me. She told him she wanted a divorce and kicked him out of the house so he could have easily be with me now but he chose to stay there and told me it's for his kids.

 

 

And I am getting angry that he still told me (lied to me) that he still loves me, that if she continues to be nasty to him he will be the one to leave and that we might be together one day.

 

this makes me soooooooo mad! How could he tell me that rubbish? :-( :-( :-(

[CALOVELY]

I feel so sad and disappointed as it becomes more and more obvious to me that he would have left her by now if he loved me. She told him she wanted a divorce and kicked him out of the house so he could have easily be with me now but he chose to stay there and told me it's for his kids.

 

 

And I am getting angry that he still told me (lied to me) that he still loves me, that if she continues to be nasty to him he will be the one to leave and that we might be together one day.

 

this makes me soooooooo mad! How could he tell me that rubbish? :-( :-( :-(

 

This guy must be made of Teflon. Nothing sticks to him, he's just some hapless victim in all of this. His wife kicked him out and he had all the freedom in the world but woe is me, I'm sleeping in the basement. He'd be with you but boo hoo, my kids hate me so I need to go back. His wife is so mean and if she continues he will leave her, as if he had nothing to do with her meanness.

 

What a spineless, gutless, husk of a man. He doesn't take an ounce of responsibility for his actions and he is just an innocent bystander in his crumbling life. He really does think he is unique and different. Tale as old as time with these MM's.

 

You should be mad. When you start feeling anything other than that, re-read what I wrote.

[Raena]

Gah, I started off reading this thread and shaking my head in anger at you... wanting to run my mouth off about what a horrible person you are.

 

(don't mind me, I just happen to be the woman in your MM's wife's shoes)

 

Then I read everything you wrote and I started to feel somewhat sorry for you. How do you get to 31 and still be so naive about men? I guess I can't say much because it happened to me about that time period too and I wasn't much smarter then than you are now.

 

I've learned a few things since then...

 

Namely that men LIE. They will lie until they are blue in the face if it gets them what they want.

 

I also learned that married men who cheat with much younger women are the least trustworthy men on this planet. You can't believe a single thing he's told you. Does he have feelings for you? Yeah, I'm sure he does. He's feeling something he hasn't felt in probably 20 years. Namely, he's probably feeling with you exactly the same way he felt about his current (2nd) wife when he met her. He's chasing the butterflies in the stomach, the thrill of the chase, the "firsts" etc.

 

I also learned, and am seeing firsthand, what will happen to you if he DOES leave his wife for you.

 

His kids will hate you.... even if you are the sweetest person on the planet... they will HATE you because in their mind YOU are the reason the don't have their father full-time anymore. They will (more than likely) NEVER respect you.

 

He will spend his time (every time the two of you have a disagreement, or after you've been together for awhile and things start to get somewhat stale as it ALWAYS does) wondering if he made the right decision to leave her.

 

He'll feel a tremendous amount of guilt for hurting his kids and overcompensate in parenting them.

 

YOU will spend most of your time wondering if he really truly loves you or if the only reason he's with you is because his wife kicked him out. If she's smart, she WILL kick him out because any man who is willing to carry on an affair for a year is NOT worthy of keeping around.

 

You'll feel jealous every time he has to be around her or talk to her about the children. You'll wonder if he's cheating on you too. You'll constantly wonder if he still has feelings for her... and don't believe what he tells you... he obviously knows how to lie pretty well.

 

What do you really expect to get from a man who has married twice and failed at it? On top of that, he's obviously willing to cheat on his wife which means he has NO respect for the sanctimony of marriage. By the way...exactly how/why did his first marriage end, did he cheat to end that one too?

 

If I were you, I wouldn't just walk away... I'd run like there were rabid dogs nipping at my arse.

 

Get as far away as possible from this man and STAY AWAY. Nothing good will come of it for you.

 

That is unless you want to spend the rest of your life justifying to yourself why it's ok to be with him. No normal healthy relationship should even have that dynamic to it. His wife is a part of his life and whether they divorce or not, she isn't going away... not for a very long time.

[Poppy47]

That's sad. I thought he loved me, I could see it... not in his words but in his actions. What he was doing for me, how excited he used to get when he was

showing me places from his childhood that are important to him etc.

 

Oh yes... I had those places shown to me also. I feel xMM was being the star in his own romance story.

It had little to do with me.

What was it exactly that he did for you???

He is making you miserable... and what else is so good for you?

Poppy

[prettyeyes87]

Oh yes... I had those places shown to me also. I feel xMM was being the star in his own romance story.

It had little to do with me.

What was it exactly that he did for you???

He is making you miserable... and what else is so good for you?

Poppy

I agree...I think most things that MM do for us that feel so special are really about them. They get an ego boost or trip down memory lane but make no mistake it is more about how they feel in those moments then it is about you. It's part of being selfish...your delight with these things just feed his ego..it's always a payoff somewhere.

[prettyeyes87]

I feel so sad and disappointed as it becomes more and more obvious to me that he would have left her by now if he loved me. She told him she wanted a divorce and kicked him out of the house so he could have easily be with me now but he chose to stay there and told me it's for his kids.

 

 

And I am getting angry that he still told me (lied to me) that he still loves me, that if she continues to be nasty to him he will be the one to leave and that we might be together one day.

 

this makes me soooooooo mad! How could he tell me that rubbish? :-( :-( :-(

It feeds his ego to know you will always be there. My exMM made me promise over and over we would always be friends no matter what but now that sh*t has hit the fan, he had to hid our friendship. Point is whether he meant it or not, he didn't stick to it. It just boosted his ego to know that I would always be around.

[elaine567]

It just boosted his ego to know that I would always be around.

 

.. to pick up later, if he wanted to...

an insurance policy.

[Cressida]

He is making you miserable... and what else is so good for you?

Poppy

 

THIS. THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS. This is the whole gist of everything.

 

Monica sweetheart, please 'listen to me' :love:I was EXACTLY in the same place as you are a year ago (or less, something around that). I was feeling the same, identical, photocopy-like feelings you are. I was devastated to say the least. I was a wreck, I was destroyed on the inside.....when things were good between me and my exMM. I don't have words to describe what it was like when things were bad, it was utterly maddening to me.

 

1. THIS HAS GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU

 

It has to do with who he is, and how much he is willing to give.

 

That is- for example, my exMM was a rich man, and in the beginning he wouldn't do too much for me. To me (and I don't want to offend anyone), a man who has money, like a ton, and sees someone he cares about in trouble (I had some financial problems at some point, livelihood-affecting, not 'wanting shoes' or something) and doesn't lift a finger to do anything, it means he does not love her. I kept this in mind, was devastated and had a little discussion with him, after which he started being 'generous'. Either way, I saw what he was willing to give. Not because he didn't have, not because I was materialistic, not because I wasn't worth it, not because he didn't want to, but because he didn't feel that way. This is just a mere, Cressida-type of example. It doesn't have to apply to you, except analogy-wise.

 

This example, as I said, was for me a case in which i suffered from frustration, insecurity, hurt and pain. It was an indicator that the man is oblivious about m. To you, it is him sleeping in the basement when he could sleep at your house and be with you instead.

There are sources of unhappiness and misery in your relationship. You don't know if he'll ever leave his wife, and if he doesn't, you don't know if it is for the children, or because he loves her and wants to give it another try.

 

You see, there comes a point where you stand still and draw a line. WHAT is it that he wants and I am not giving? WHAT is his problem?

 

It isn't his....it is how things are.

 

He cannot control certain feelings and emotions. He cannot control his wife telling stuff to his children, he cannot control their feelings. That is his family, and men who married younger women (like his wife) tend to see the family unit as THEIRS. In the remnants of the primitive cortex, there is that little unconscious thinking that tells him YOURS, YOURS YOURS. He cannot control the way he feels. Please keep this in mind.

 

 

2. DO NOT, I BEG OF YOU, DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY

 

You are doing EXACTLY what I used to, but in a different manner- Brace yourselves, you guys. What I used to do was that I used to look at photos of his wife (I personally know my exMM's wife, long story), comparing them with my photos. Try to see if she is more beautiful than me. The woman is much older than me and objectively less attractive. But I thought that i had to see, I had to know. I swear, laugh all you guys want but I have no reason to lie, that's how mad I was. I used to remember what her voice sounds like and try to compare it with mine, to see if she sounds better. I studied her body language like a hawk to see if she's more demure, delicate, feminine than me. I watched them together like an eagle and tried to listed to everything she was saying, notice her choice of words, to be able to extract every little smidgen of information I could about her personality. Why her and not me. I want this man for myself. He loves me. I was a WOMAN POSSESSED.

 

It was me who put these thoughts in my head. It was my insecurity, a deeply-ingrained feeling of misery, unhappiness, feeling unwanted, feeling like the fifth wheel. I was just beginning to spin out of control, my mind was consumed of thoughts of them together, what are they doing, what if they have sex, he would never tell me, omg, no no he can't do that, he loves me, she isn't attractive anymore, etc. My head would hurt, I wouldn't be able to sleep, at some point I just stopped eating

 

 

3. MEANWHILE.....

 

There will come a time, just like it came for me, when these feelings will magically disappear. As if your brain takes over itself and blocks out any negative thought, to protect itself, out of survival instinct.

 

What triggers this mechanism, what triggered it for me, and that's why we're all here for you, is the belief, the knowing in your bones that he did love you, but not in the way you want(ed) him to, because he could not control the way he felt. Your 'loves' were not compatible because you are two separate persons and the way you two love each other depends on many external factors- age difference, marital status, money, social class, work, looks, future, kids, etc.

 

It is not his fault. He didn't use you. He did care about you.

 

He is just tormented because of the influence of the above-mentioned external factors. His mind is somewhere else, because that's how a man, a parent his age feels like. Meanwhile you are all by yourself, you only have yourself and that's why you cannot stop going on and on about him, you two, your relationship and the what if.

 

This is why I always said and I am a firm believer that people who are single versus married women/men cope extremely differently with an affair. While a married woman cheating on her husband may think 50/50 about the two men and indeed suffer from guilt and pain and whatnot, the single one is devastated, broken, unable to function and feels dead inside because the MM was all she had.

 

You are not all he has. He has children, he has a family. When I say family it doesn't necessarily mean his wife, don't think about her in the picture if you can't handle it. Think about the image of a family, of a home, of people knowing them as 'the Mr. and Mrs.', their relatives, their history. He cannot just rip himself from that because part of his heart, and his responsibility will always be with them. He cannot control these things. You cannot see this because you aren't a mother yet, you are not married.

 

Monica please, please believe all of us here. We have all been in an affair/relationship with someone unavailable at some point or another. I don't judge. I know that you are not immature for your age, you are just in love. There are women who can immediately pick themselves up, powder their noses and keep strutting, as 'the mascara can't run'. I have the feeling that just like me, you aren't that type and it's very hard for you to get over him because you're one who loves hard.

 

You have to understand that he didn't use you in 'that' way. I don't think it was a cheap affair if you were together for so long. I don't know whether he engaged in future-faking as the story is always the same and nobody else knows him but you.

 

Whatever happens, you have to understand and accept that it isn't because of you. It isn't because you are not good enough and his wife is better. Or because you're not thin enough or pretty enough. It's because sometimes, those external factors can mess with their heads and can impact them much more than we think. Some men don't get affected, others do. It isn't because of you.

 

Please don't contact him anymore. I think you should wait for him to call you and then tell him you just want to be friends. Don't bring up the discussion about him sleeping in the basement, his wife throwing him out, etc. He isn't a baby and will automatically understand what the deal is. Just because you're not asking doesn't mean he doesn't have the answers prepared. Trust me, he'll know.

 

Give him peace of mind and space to decide whatever it is that he wants to do. You please relax, try to rest, stop torturing yourself with thoughts about him. Go out with your friends, buy a few cosmetics (it always helps, it makes you look prettier and more confident), but don't break the bank. Just pamper yourself a little bit. Stay cool, appear indifferent. Let him come your way.

 

I have learned the way through 'calm' the hard way. Of course it isn't easy and it puts you through agony. But you have to keep mental clarity and not let yourself carried away, neither by a romantic fantasy nor a nightmare you're directing yourself. Just slow your thoughts down.

 

Like the other comments said, it is you who has to decide what to do. Do you want to be with him at all costs? Can you think about the consequences? Can you handle them?

 

If so, have a conversation about this the first time you two have a little time to yourselves. Try to honestly discuss it with him and openly tell him what you feel like. Tell him you want a family, a partner, a husband etc. and that you want to know if he sees himself as able to give that. Don't guilt trip him, don't blame, don't accuse.

 

One more thing: the post written by an exBS. The lady NAILED it in terms of what I felt like when exMM proposed and said let's get married, I have this much money, we'll buy this house here, etc. Talking of lawyers, plans, finances.

 

The BS comment is relevant because she wrote exactly what I immediately felt about me and him, and I didn't have to go through years of being with him as his wife to feel this way. I immediately got consumed by doubt. The feeling of him divorcing his wife on a whim, I knew him very well and that wasn't him. I feared the backlash, his family, his relatives, what would they say. His public image, his children (my age, married). I feared he'd regret it and his wife would take him back, as you can't wipe everything with the sponge even if the guy is a pig and a cheater in your eyes. He is still 60% of your time spent on this planet, his blood is in your kids' veins, his face on theirs. I knew, just like the comment said, that my first thought after a minimum disagreement would be 'is he regretting having married me? Does he wish he hadn't?'.

 

Are you ready for that kind of life? His children are very young, he will always be 'daddy', and will be on daddy duty for a very very long time from now on, particularly if one/more kids are girls. You will feel gutted when he goes with his then-ex wife and kids to a birthday party or on a camping trip. He will do sh*t like this, because he's the kids' father and she's their mother and there will be no room for you in their lives, as they are still very little and that's their universe, mom and dad.

 

Are you ready, can you handle it? Can you take it? I knew I couldn't. I told my MM and he admitted he was also scared of the same things, more of the backlash in his case.

 

Sorry for the long post everyone. Don't throw tomatoes at me :laugh:of course, as always- this is MY personal opinion from my experience. I am not a shrink or a know-it-all, by all means.

Edited December 18, 2014 by Cressida

[Monicaxxx]

Monica sweetheart, please 'listen to me' :love:I was EXACTLY in the same place as you are a year ago (or less, something around that). I was feeling the same, identical, photocopy-like feelings you are. I was devastated to say the least. I was a wreck, I was destroyed on the inside.....when things were good between me and my exMM. I don't have words to describe what it was like when things were bad, it was utterly maddening to me.

 

 

This is a beautiful post, thank you for taking your time to write it. It helps a lot even though I still hurt a lot.

This is exactly how I feel now. It hurts me so much yet I can't cry a single tear. It feels like I am dead inside.

 

I feels like I already know how this is going to end: he will probably not contact me again or if he will, he will tell me he's back with his wife for good and doesn't want to keep in touch with me. Or he might want to stay in touch just to have me on a side. All the options hurt so much.

 

I'm experiencing so many negative feelings now: sadness, disappointment, powerless, loss, anger and much more. I still love him so much but I realised that he would never be with me, not the way I would want him to be. It's so devastating to realise he never loved me and was lying to me all the way. :-(

 

 

I do wonder if he's going to ever contact me again. I guess I would need to see him face to face after some time passes by to tell him I know that if he loved me, he would be with me by now. I really would like to tell him this. I don't want to cry or beg or accuse him of anything but I do need to tell him calmly that I have learnt my lesson and I am not going to be that naive again. That I don't believe his "pretty" lies any more. I really doubt he will ever want to be seeing me again (not even secretly) but even if he told me he would like that, I want to tell him he can't have me any more.

 

 

He rejected me and he did it so easily :-( That hurts the most.

 

 

I will not contact him first. I miss him like hell but I know I am strong enough or maybe angry enough not to do it first. Plus I agreed to give him space so I will not rich out first. I do worry though that I lost someone very special to me. I know that some if not most of the people on here don't understand that I can love someone so much older than me but I believe that we don't choose love, love chooses us. I truly love him and that year we spent together was amazing. He made me feel special and I was happy to see how happy he was spending time with me.

 

 

I don't believe though that I will ever find love again. I know it may sound stupid and that a lot of you will say that I am young and have the whole life in front of me but I am not 20 any more. I AM getting older and most of the man my age are long married... or even divorced plus I don't think I am that pretty and can't have any guy I want. Plus I am quite peculiar in what I am looking for in a man and these qualities are very rare. I can't easily fall in love with just anyone, it has to be a very special man. I definitely do not want to end up with any man and I still love him so much.

 

Just feel like my prime time is over.

 

 

As I said, I can't cry now, which is weird. I did cry one time though but that was after I told him I couldn't continue like this any longer before his wife found out. For one whole day I felt horrible, I even thought there was no point to life but I wouldn't commit suicide simply because I know how stupid it would be plus I was thinking about my family and all that pain they would have to deal with. I was going through a real nightmare on that day though, not just a bit of sadness and insecurity.

 

 

When I was in my early 20s, I did seriously consider committing suicide though after a really nasty break up with a guy I was engaged to. But I am not that kid any more, I know that it wouldn't solve anything and would just cause even more pain for everyone. I learned a lot since then but obviously not enough.

 

 

Is there a chance for me to be happy again? I mean, I am not stupid, I know that with time things will get better but I am afraid I will never be truly happy again.

 

 

 

I would still like to be with him but my heart and my mind are in conflict here.

After realising he probably never loved me I would just hate myself even more if I let him be with me after how he rejected me when he had a chance to finally be with me.

 

 

I don't know how and if I can live now. I have a new job, which is exciting and keeps me going, I have friends with whom I go out and I have my hobbies that keep me busy so it's not a problem here but I feel so hurt and empty inside. I care about him so much. ;-(

[evanescentworld]

I found my sweet wonderful love of a Husband when I was 47....

Ups and downs? God, yes. And how.

But it's been worth every bump of the ride. Loving it.

 

XX Metta, Evan.

[Monicaxxx]

I found my sweet wonderful love of a Husband when I was 47....

Ups and downs? God, yes. And how.

But it's been worth every bump of the ride. Loving it.

 

XX Metta, Evan.

 

 

Have you been married for a long time?

Do you have any kids at all?

[evanescentworld]

I was married for nearly 25 years to another guy, and in that marriage, I had 2 kids.

In this one?

none.

But who needs kids at 47?

I needed fun - and I got me some!!

 

XX Evan.