Did he just dump me for good? Is it at all possible he loves me?

[elaine567]

So are there no exceptions? Are there really no examples of MM who gets a divorce, lives with the OW and they are happy together?

 

Really not a single example?

 

Of course there are, I said most, not ALL, but that is plainly NOT the case in your situation, he basically dumped you and chose his wife and child instead.

 

Edit:- not child, but 3 kids.

[Monicaxxx]

Of course there are, I said most, not ALL, but that is plainly NOT the case in your situation, he basically dumped you and chose his wife and child instead.

 

Edit:- not child, but 3 kids.

 

But he did say he wouldn't contact me for a month or so, didn't he? Not that he'll never do it.

[whatatangledweb]

But he did say he wouldn't contact me for a month or so, didn't he? Not that he'll never do it.

 

It depends, if he wants to stay with his family then he will not contact you. She will divorce if she catches him again and she will be watching. If he doesn't care then he will contact you.

[Monicaxxx]

It depends, if he wants to stay with his family then he will not contact you. She will divorce if she catches him again and she will be watching. If he doesn't care then he will contact you.

 

Hmm... she found out about me, that's one thing.

 

Then she found out he was still in touch with me, that two.

 

 

She still didn't divorce him, so why would she do it if she found it now third time? If she wanted a divorce, she would have asked for it by now.

 

It's not like 3 is a magic number, is it?

[whichwayisup]

Hmm... she found out about me, that's one thing.

 

Then she found out he was still in touch with me, that two.

 

 

She still didn't divorce him, so why would she do it if she found it now third time? If she wanted a divorce, she would have asked for it by now.

 

It's not like 3 is a magic number, is it?

 

Anything can happen but here's my guess. IF she finds out about a third time contact has been broken, then there's a pretty good chance she'll kick him out and file for divorce. Then he's yours by default (meaning, he didn't choose you, he got kicked out, didn't leave by his own choice) for a little while. If that happens, DO NOT allow him to be with you. Back off and let him divorce, settle custody and finances etc., then when he has had time on his own and is ready and the timing is right/better, you two 'date' and start over fresh.

 

Or, there could be a third time and he begs to stay and she gives him another chance. It really is out of your hands, she may love him and their life together and will want to fight to keep her family intact and under one roof. They have 3 kids together and a long history, she may feel all that is worth fighting for.

 

If he wanted to leave he could have when there was a Dday. Nobody held a gun to his head, he could have left and divorced her right after that, or when contact was broken a second time...That in itself says a lot. He chose to stay.

 

A man or a woman who truly wants a divorce will make it happen.

 

Don't give yourself 'hope' and hang onto a 'what if' ...

 

Do you want to still be waiting in the wings a year from now? Still in the same place? My guess is no.

[jellybean89]

You are grasping at straws.

 

If you want to hang onto him, do it. If you want to wait by the phone, hoping for a call or a text, do it.

 

Why hasn't his wife divorced him? Probably because he has begged her to let him show her how much he loves her. Probably because he has minimized his affair with you. Probably because he is kissing her rear end doing everything he can to make it up to her.

 

She has YEARS invested...dating, engaged and married. She has children invested. The holidays just passed...maybe she was waiting for after that to throw his sorry butt to the curb.

 

I get the impression you are just waiting in the wings for attention from him. I would bet that the only way he will 'pick' you is when his wife kicks him out. You will be his default choice. And if that happens, then a vacancy for mistress has opened up. How would you ever trust him?

 

Has a MM ever left his wife and began a non-affair relationship with the OW? Yep. Is it common? Nope. Will this happen with you? I highly doubt it. He isn't into you like you are into him. He isn't stating the world is over because he didn't get a text from you. He is going on with life....spending time with his wife, kids and planning a future (date night, vacation, etc).

 

Continue waiting for him. Continue to hope that he leaves her, or she dumps him. You are wasting your life in my view. But 20 pages of responses and you still seem to think the sun shines and set on him. He is 20 years older than you - 20 years! He is an older man with a young mistress....yet he stays married "because of the kids". You say you want kids, but he can't have them anymore....so you are wasting these prime years for you to find someone who you can have a future with, have a family with cause you are hung up on a much older man with kids and a wife. In 5 years, you will look back on this and bang your head against a wall wondering what the heck you were even thinking.

[elaine567]

Hmm... she found out about me, that's one thing.

 

Then she found out he was still in touch with me, that two.

 

 

She still didn't divorce him, so why would she do it if she found it now third time? If she wanted a divorce, she would have asked for it by now.

 

It's not like 3 is a magic number, is it?

 

He had the chance to be with you and he didn't take it, did he?

Nothing is different, he still wants to be with his wife and 3 kids, that is a huge bond and even if they split up tomorrow, I personally doubt that he would be seeking you out apart from, for sex.

 

Men put women into boxes, there is gf material and wife material and there are women they fool around with.

By sleeping with him, a MM, and being prepared to cheat and lie, puts you into the "fooling around" category.

 

How could he ever completely trust a woman who is prepared to sleep with a married man, behind his wife's back?

How could he let his children get involved with such a woman?

 

You are just not wife material, in his mind.

How does he know you would not cheat behind his back too?

He has first hand proof you are not a "moral" woman, so why would he want to expose his kids to you?

 

I now it is harsh and hypocritical stance, but many men think in this way.

If he had considered you wife material, he would probably have swapped you out for his wife straight away, but as things are, he didn't.

My guess. if he does get divorced, he will get married pretty soon to some woman, who he does consider as wife material and a "mother" for his children, when they come to stay.

 

Wake up!!! Find someone who WILL put you on a pedastal, who WILL see you as wife material and who WILL love you, as you deserve it.

YOU have got yourself mixed up with some cheating toerag, you are better than this.

[bathtub-row]

But he did say he wouldn't contact me for a month or so, didn't he? Not that he'll never do it.

 

I've said it before and I'll say it again -- you have not heard the last of him. You're all frantic and in turmoil over this. You've lost your cool. You're only thinking about this from your perspective and that's not the only one that's relevant here.

 

He may or may not ultimately leave his marriage but a decision isn't going to be made overnight. It's not going to be made fast enough for you. He doesn't think like you. He isn't you. He doesn't put the same value on love as you do you. He doesn't have the luxury of doing that.

 

The fact is, you've placed yourself in a very dicey situation and you need to be grown up about the grown up decision you made. Do you think for one second that I enjoy dealing with my xMM, his wife and his son? Do you think I enjoyed sitting with them at a company dinner because everyone expected me to? When I was with him, his wife was never around in the company. Now that the kids are grown, guess where she is now? The whole situation could make me nuts if I let it. And MM is keenly aware of how much it hurt me, and how much it now just plain bugs me. I'm making plans to exit that situation but it takes time. My point is, I could get really really pissed about this. I could continue to let this break my heart but there came a time when I decided that enough was enough. I decided that I had had enough of heartache and heartbreak. I was naive and dumb when I got into that situation but I'm not either of those things anymore. (Ok, I'm still dumb sometimes... )

 

I hope you will do as someone else pointed out and keep all this in perspective. No one made you sleep with a MM, right? You knew you were playing with fire. But you seem really surprised that you've gotten burned. This is what it feels like. This is why rejection and heartache is so difficult for all of us. Try to (honestly) see some humor in it, try to laugh at yourself in the sense that we, as humans, are sometimes so screwed up that it's funny. Learn to shrug it off, and dig yourself out of this depressive mindset. Instead, decide that you're just going to sit back and watch the show. One day, you'll know for sure how it ends.

Edited January 7, 2015 by bathtub-row

[TylerTyrone]

I think OP is not telling the whole truth.

As a matter of fact I think she twisted some of the details of her story so we readers would feel sympathy for her and encourage her to keep on holding to this fairytale love storythat she had put up in her own mind. It's time to wake up darling! See the reality. This MM she thinks is a good person. Who showed her that he loves her by crawling back to his wife because she found out this coward and liar had still contact with his mistress. He deceived not only his wife, his kids but also his mistress.

An untrustworthy weak and sad human being. I guess OP fell in love with him because he treated her so nice, I bet he showered her with attention and with gifts, showing off his wealth to her. And OP wants to have this lifestyle. And that's why she keep on holding on this man.

She doesn't mind his flaws, doesn't mind he is a lying cheater, well maybe because she herself is like his MM, she tolerates these weaknesses as she has the same weaknesses. How on earth would you explain why she keeps holding on to this MM, all the while hurting herself? There is no logic in her thinking.

 

I think she wants him despite the huge red flags, despite the the possible horrorfuture awaitingfor her when she does end up with the MM. She is in for a hugedrama.

Honestly she sounds like a attention seeker , and loves drama. She cannot live without drama. One advice OP, don't ask anymore advice, just do what you please, you will end up in drama both ways if you don't get your act together.

Edited January 7, 2015 by TylerTyrone

[bathtub-row]

Honestly she sounds like a attention seeker , and loves drama. She cannot live without drama. One advice OP, don't ask anymore advice, just do what you please, you will end up in drama both ways if you don't get your act together.

 

We all want and love people and things for our own reasons. I believe she's genuinely in pain but we're all trying to help her find her way through it so that she comes out the other side a whole and better person. All in all, she has a good heart. One of the biggest flaws we women can have is being too naive and gullable. It seems nature made us that way and, until life takes us through the ringer a couple times, we don't figure it out.

 

Monica, please don't stop posting. Most of us want to hear from you.

[samaraa]

Monica, I've read all your posts and responses, and there's (mostly) great advice here. I hope you continue NC and move forward.

 

Many of us have also endured heartache, and understand it can be difficult and painful. It's normal to sometimes feel enraged, sometimes sad, sometimes indifferent. Your feelings might oscillate, but eventually, you'll feel better. Many posters here are proof of that.

 

Try to focus on your happiness and well-being. Continue working out, spend time with friends, take a trip, maybe get a makeover. Do things that build your self-esteem and make you feel good. What are your hobbies? What activities do you enjoy, and did you enjoy before this situation?

 

Posting here can be therapeutic, and you should post as often as you like. I also suggest seeking a support group with physical meetings, or a professional therapist.

[Monicaxxx]

I think OP is not telling the whole truth.

As a matter of fact I think she twisted some of the details of her story so we readers would feel sympathy for her and encourage her to keep on holding to this fairytale love storythat she had put up in her own mind. It's time to wake up darling! See the reality. This MM she thinks is a good person. Who showed her that he loves her by crawling back to his wife because she found out this coward and liar had still contact with his mistress. He deceived not only his wife, his kids but also his mistress.

An untrustworthy weak and sad human being. I guess OP fell in love with him because he treated her so nice, I bet he showered her with attention and with gifts, showing off his wealth to her. And OP wants to have this lifestyle. And that's why she keep on holding on this man.

She doesn't mind his flaws, doesn't mind he is a lying cheater, well maybe because she herself is like his MM, she tolerates these weaknesses as she has the same weaknesses. How on earth would you explain why she keeps holding on to this MM, all the while hurting herself? There is no logic in her thinking.

 

I think she wants him despite the huge red flags, despite the the possible horrorfuture awaitingfor her when she does end up with the MM. She is in for a hugedrama.

Honestly she sounds like a attention seeker , and loves drama. She cannot live without drama. One advice OP, don't ask anymore advice, just do what you please, you will end up in drama both ways if you don't get your act together.

 

You are apparently bad at reading people.

 

I didn't twist any facts.

 

You simply missed the fact how strong my feelings for him are, no matter the situation. And you definitely missed the fact that you are not emotionally involved in this situation so can't understand how difficult and painful it is to me to let go of the feelings I have for him.

 

He showered me with attention, not with gifts.

 

I don't know, maybe this was the case in your situation and now you think everyone is a gold digger. You probably also missed the fact that I have a good job where I earn really good money so, taking into consideration that he has a family to spend his money on, I can probably afford more than he right now.

 

It's not fishing for attention, it's crying for help.

 

Besides, you could say that everyone posting on this website is looking for attention, which in a way is what it is, otherwise everyone would keep things to themselves.

 

I have every right to post here, the same as you have a right not to read my posts if you don't like them. No one makes you read them.

 

To all the other people, thank you for your kind words.

[Lurkeraspect]

You are apparently bad at reading people.

 

I didn't twist any facts.

 

You simply missed the fact how strong my feelings for him are, no matter the situation. And you definitely missed the fact that you are not emotionally involved in this situation so can't understand how difficult and painful it is to me to let go of the feelings I have for him.

 

He showered me with attention, not with gifts.

 

I don't know, maybe this was the case in your situation and now you think everyone is a gold digger. You probably also missed the fact that I have a good job where I earn really good money so, taking into consideration that he has a family to spend his money on, I can probably afford more than he right now.

 

It's not fishing for attention, it's crying for help.

 

Besides, you could say that everyone posting on this website is looking for attention, which in a way is what it is, otherwise everyone would keep things to themselves.

 

I have every right to post here, the same as you have a right not to read my posts if you don't like them. No one makes you read them.

 

To all the other people, thank you for your kind words.

 

Monica,

 

Come on, chick!

 

This is a married man with three kids. He's not leaving. You can dress it up any way you want to, but it's not happening, he's not leaving.

 

I don't think you're looking for attention, rather, you're lost at the moment. Your pain is real. I truly get it.

 

Yet...

 

Please stop wasting your time. He's right where he wants to be.

 

You my dear, need to get angry and focused. Simple, sorted. Move on. Grieve, cry, but for the love of all things holy, move on.

 

I've never been the OW, yet I can empathize. I (we) ended an almost 30 year marriage. It's sad, but you press on.

 

It's never going to happen. It's over and done. All the rationalizing in the world won't change that. It's over, except in your mind.

[Broom]

Monica,

 

This man does not love you or respect you. Truly you are wasting your time trying to breathe life into this.

 

Even if he did contact you again to connect for the 3rd time, the end result will be the same. You already gave up everything to him while he kept his W, so he will never have the urge to treat you any better than he has.

 

He knows he has an emotional hold over you, so that only encourages him to keep abusing it to get what he wants.

 

He does NOT want a full life with you. If you are happy with having his pieces, continue.

 

But know he does not love you and never will, no matter how much attention he throws your way AFTER his wife + family got it first.

[Monicaxxx]

Speak of the devil... he sent me an email this morning.

[snappytomcat]

Speak of the devil... he sent me an email this morning.

 

what an azz wipe,i hope you don't respond,i know nc is very hard but if you do respond you will be back in the same place you are now,maybe not tomorrow,or next month,but eventually you will,and you will become more attached to him these mm are liars,and they are great at it,i think they must read the same handbook,my xwh,said many of the same things to his xow,i feel bad for most ow as they are usually the ones kicked to the curb,and are all alone,dont do that to yourself

take care,good luck

[Monicaxxx]

what an azz wipe,i hope you don't respond,i know nc is very hard but if you do respond you will be back in the same place you are now,maybe not tomorrow,or next month,but eventually you will,and you will become more attached to him these mm are liars,and they are great at it,i think they must read the same handbook,my xwh,said many of the same things to his xow,i feel bad for most ow as they are usually the ones kicked to the curb,and are all alone,dont do that to yourself

take care,good luck

 

I didn't reply so far but I'm considering it. Want to sleep on it, I feel like I need to tell him (for myself) that as he already made a choice, he should stick to it and stop contacting me.

 

He wrote a longer email this time, that he was worrying that he sent only a short message at NYE, as he was with his parents and that he was worrying that I might have misunderstood it, that he misses be and so on.

 

I know it's rubbish.

 

I am considering though sending him a short but sharp reply that would be like a slap on the face and would hurt his ego.

[snappytomcat]

be strong monica!!!!im rooting for you,forward the messages to his wife,as a bs I would want to know if my husband was still in contact with ow,it would upset me but I would be thankful for it too

[Monicaxxx]

be strong monica!!!!im rooting for you,forward the messages to his wife,as a bs I would want to know if my husband was still in contact with ow,it would upset me but I would be thankful for it too

 

I don't have her number or any other contact with her. I talked to her once as she called me but the number was set as private so can't call her back.

 

I'm not sure if that would be a good idea though, I don't need vengeance.

[raspberry.12]

Hi Monica,

 

When my MM back from vacation with his wife and kids, he said nothing to me so far, however, the same night when I thought he should come to see me after 7-10 days apart, he didn't come but spent time with his wife and kids.

I couldn't stand it so I decided to make things right, I said to him that I know he already decided but he didn't tell me which was really disrespectful. He replied back with something similar like what your MM wrote in your email. I then said it didn't really matter about the kids because I always respect the father-son relationship, it's more about his wife, he still have feeling for her and still in "can-do" attitude for the BS.

He then admitted that it was not about his love for her but more about the time they spent together, and she had children with him..blah blah..

The last thing he said to me which drove me crazy were some words like "If I have new girlfriend then you can be upset, but I'm coming back because of my wife and kids, no other girl at all"....I stopped it there cos I had nothing to say more. The more I said, the more pain I felt.

[cif]

With his parents... Sure. If you're email won't say that he is not to contact you again otherwise you will forward to his wife, dont bother replying. Any contact from you will just feed his ego and change nothing.

[georgia girl]

Monica,

 

 

He left you waiting, hurting, sometimes nearly desperate for him for weeks. Think about that hard and long before you respond. He isn't offering to fix any of that. He's just reaching out. If its not enough for you, either don't respond or tell him clearly that he needs to meet your expectations or its over. Your expectations - when you state them - have to be your absolute must-haves and nothing less. Among them should be that he moves out and divorces. Your heart will shatter if you accept anything less. I've read that over and over here for the past 20 pages.

 

 

For me - and this is my opinion only - one freaking email after all of the pain and hurt you've been through over the past month would be way, way too little and way, way too late. Truly consider it as a sign of things to come: you will get little, late and last. I don't think you can accept that. You're all in with him. He really isn't that way with you.

 

 

One of the hardest things we face in life is walking away from someone we love because staying is not healthy for us, even though our heart desperately wants to stay. I would strongly encourage you to walk away.

 

 

Hugs, GG

[elaine567]

I guess he is now feeling a bit horny...

[Monicaxxx]

Monica,

 

 

He left you waiting, hurting, sometimes nearly desperate for him for weeks. Think about that hard and long before you respond. He isn't offering to fix any of that. He's just reaching out. If its not enough for you, either don't respond or tell him clearly that he needs to meet your expectations or its over. Your expectations - when you state them - have to be your absolute must-haves and nothing less. Among them should be that he moves out and divorces. Your heart will shatter if you accept anything less. I've read that over and over here for the past 20 pages.

 

 

For me - and this is my opinion only - one freaking email after all of the pain and hurt you've been through over the past month would be way, way too little and way, way too late. Truly consider it as a sign of things to come: you will get little, late and last. I don't think you can accept that. You're all in with him. He really isn't that way with you.

 

 

One of the hardest things we face in life is walking away from someone we love because staying is not healthy for us, even though our heart desperately wants to stay. I would strongly encourage you to walk away.

 

 

Hugs, GG

 

 

It's hard but I know you are right.

 

I think I will send him a short message in reply in a few days or so.

Just to let him know I am over him .. even though I'm not.

[Monicaxxx]

I guess he is now feeling a bit horny...

 

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