Did he just dump me for good? Is it at all possible he loves me?

[Cressida]

Monica- for your sake, please don't answer.

 

There's nothing that you could say to him to change the situation for better or make yourself feel better or get over it.

 

Take a few days and only once you have decided to cut it off with him for good, you should send him an email or message to inform him that it's over and good luck, nice to have met you, etc.

 

If you answer now, at the peak of your emotions, you'll let those feelings get the best of you and he'll have you wrapped up with some lame excuse about his parents or cousins or three cats. Don't go into that.

 

But make sure that once you say goodbye, wild horses couldn't pull you back in....show strength of character and dignity. It's best for you.

I can't believe this ********* didn't say anything for a month other than some lame messages....disappointing.

 

We are all here for you, Monica. Be strong hugs

[whichwayisup]

It's hard but I know you are right.

 

I think I will send him a short message in reply in a few days or so.

Just to let him know I am over him .. even though I'm not.

 

The less he knows how you feel the more in control you'll feel as time goes on.

 

If you do decide to write him back make it short and sweet. Just say something like, I don't want to hear from you anymore, I am not interested in continuing anything with you on any level, I am done. Don't write or contact me again.

 

I know you want to hurt him and say something mean, but don't. Rise above it and be the bigger person here. This will give you your own closure in a peaceful way, then you can block him once and for all.

[cif]

It's hard but I know you are right.

 

I think I will send him a short message in reply in a few days or so.

Just to let him know I am over him .. even though I'm not.

 

Not sure it's a good idea to lie about how you feel. If you need to send a last email at least be honest in it.. and that it's clear he is to no longer contact you. That way you know you left nothing behind and can move on.

[bathtub-row]

Because we women are the great communicators, we sometimes forget the power of silence (except when we're pissed off - lol). However, men understand it extremely well. He would understand your silence far better than any eloquent or clipped words could ever express.

 

I would recommend staying silent. The best thing you can do is let his own sordid imagination get the better of him. He'll start wondering if you hate him or not, and realize that he deserves it; he'll start to wonder if he has pushed you too far or not, and realize that he would deserve that, too; he'll start to wonder if you've met a new guy, and realize he would also deserve that. I'm sure you get my drift.

 

Monica, the truth is, it may seem backwards but, as long as you remain at his beck and call, you will always be at his mercy. He will always call the shots and, when he says jump, you'll ask how high. Think about it from this perspective -- how long do you think he would put up with you contacting him when you felt like it, when you could work things out between you and your husband and kids and the holidays? Believe me, he wouldn't put up with that nonsense for 2 seconds and, in the back of his mind, he's wondering why you put up with it. Just something to think about.

Edited January 9, 2015 by bathtub-row

[Cressida]

Monica, Bathtub here is wise, listen to her.

 

My exMM and I had several conversations on this topic, particularly after our relationship ended (a while ago, i must stress). He told me himself that the clear thought and understanding of the fact that i had walked away hurt and hit him worse than a ton of bricks. I don't know if he was embellishing the emotional part (he might have, absolutely), but he also noted an important aspect- that he realized I had walked away for good.

 

Now, the following part he never worded, but the way he spoke about it, his tone as well as all non-verbal communication signs gave away clues on the fact that he had actually gained a new respect for me. Because, just like Bathtub said, I had related to him in the same manner he would have related to me had the situation been reversed.

 

It is only by giving your own place, your own respect, putting priority on yourself and what you want, in a polite, dignified manner, that you will get what you want- 1) the mental peace that you deserve, 2) breaking away from a negative experience that brought you nothing but misery, 3) teaching the douchebag a lesson, 4) showing him that while you may be emotional and in love, which is only human after all, you also value yourself, and that everything has a limit.

 

You don't need to explain anything or vent out your anger and put it on him, as you want to avoid making scenes at all costs. It isn't good, it isn't nice, it just shouldn't have a place in your life right now, you've been through enough drama already. Swearing at him or telling him how broken hearted you are won't fix anything and will indeed give him the impression that he will always have power over you.

 

Just cut it off for good. Don't answer his e-mail, he hasn't said anything meaty enough to warrant a reply. He didn't ask anything, communicate anything. He just yanked the chain giving some lamo excuses, even if you didn't reach out to him or ask him anything. Therefore, as you can understand, he is feeling guilty and keeping you somewhere in the drawer of his mind, but can't take two minutes at work to give you a call and give you the respect of a civilized conversation about your relationship. He's just prolonging the agony because he doesn't have the balls to say anything clear and hopes that you'll hang on for dear life. This has nothing to do with you as a person or as a woman, but with what he has to offer.

 

So you should feel relieved that you don't have to feel anguish or stress over the whole thing. Just WALK AWAY. Do it for good. You don't owe him explanations as he isn't a child, some things don't need to be explained, he can figure it out for himself. Trust me, men are smart enough when it comes to these things.

[TylerTyrone]

I don't have her number or any other contact with her. I talked to her once as she called me but the number was set as private so can't call her back.

 

I'm not sure if that would be a good idea though, I don't need vengeance.

 

That's easy! Why don't you printout the emails with date and time, post it to his house. Address it to his wife, to Ms...(i asume you know his last name). There is nooo excuse. If you really want to contact her, you will find a way. This is not about vengeance. This is about getting back in control and letting him know you don't want his crumbs anymore. That you want All or Nothing at all girl! That's what you want, don't you? Go and get it....If he can not give it to you...than walk away. Life can be so simple.

 

Why would you choose to stay in this pain? You know, you are doing this to yourself, no one else. Love starts with loving yourself.

[TylerTyrone]

You are apparently bad at reading people.

 

I didn't twist any facts.

 

You simply missed the fact how strong my feelings for him are, no matter the situation. And you definitely missed the fact that you are not emotionally involved in this situation so can't understand how difficult and painful it is to me to let go of the feelings I have for him.

 

He showered me with attention, not with gifts.

 

I don't know, maybe this was the case in your situation and now you think everyone is a gold digger. You probably also missed the fact that I have a good job where I earn really good money so, taking into consideration that he has a family to spend his money on, I can probably afford more than he right now.

 

It's not fishing for attention, it's crying for help.

 

Besides, you could say that everyone posting on this website is looking for attention, which in a way is what it is, otherwise everyone would keep things to themselves.

 

I have every right to post here, the same as you have a right not to read my posts if you don't like them. No one makes you read them.

 

To all the other people, thank you for your kind words.

 

I am sorry if i sounded harsh. I just couldn't help myself to not react on your thread. You sound so confused and contradicting yourself. Time to wake up! You are in love with a fantasy darling. A man you have never lived with, who is a cheater, who will cheat on you when you end up with him (yes, cheaters will never learn!). You don't know him. He is a liar and you know it very well he is lying. How can you waste your time pining for a man like that? A man who did not choose you, when he had the chance. He doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved. Don't lower your standards. Have some dignity and self respect and leave this man! If you don't want to do it for yourself. Do it for us! Do it for his wife and kids, do it because you respect their marriage. I am sure many here want to help you out of this mess. But you are the one holding the keys. Now if you start to think clearly and not act on emotion, than maybe you will have the clarity to end this for good or to pursue what you really want.

I would not advice you to wait around doing nothing. If you really want to help yourself. Believe me...than you can. Don't underestimate your own power. Tell yourself everyday that you can! "Yes I can!"....

He may have showered you with attention, so fcki*ng what? Can another man not shower you with attention? Another decent man who does not cheat? He is not the only man in this world. Besides he is not available, and probably never will , he already has his own family. You are just his side piece. And if it's not the wealth and fortune you are attracted to. What is it then? Ask yourself, can i live with this man if he was not wealthy, he can not support and provide for you (because he has to pay all his money to his xW and kids), is jobless and you have to support him the rest of your life. Now honestly, what would that answer be? Emotions will fade away, if you stop living in a fantasy. May you find your peace.

Edited January 10, 2015 by TylerTyrone

[bathtub-row]

I think contacting the spouse is an extremely bad idea. It is vengeful, no matter how you slice it. There is a way to end relationships without all the drama. I say do that.

[Cressida]

I think contacting the spouse is an extremely bad idea. It is vengeful, no matter how you slice it. There is a way to end relationships without all the drama. I say do that.

 

It's vengeful to no end and it could lead to serious problems for her as well. One can never know the wife's reaction, he could lie about something as he's being cornered by the wife and Monica then wakes up with a restraining order or some legal database of some sort.....

 

I would never think it's good advice to stoop low or do reckless stuff......cutting off is the best way to go, and the best 'revenge'. Shows the woman is being classy and polite, not a cray-cray lunatic. It's not like he did something awful to her.....it's just expectations gone unfulfilled.....

 

I am sorry about it, Monica, and I hope you are feeling a bit better. Do let us know how things r going with you Hugs

[ilovedmike]

Monica, I am here for you if you need to talk to anyone.

Without revealing too much on here, I can relate to a few of your post.

 

I wish you the best.

[Popsicle]

I didn't reply so far but I'm considering it. Want to sleep on it, I feel like I need to tell him (for myself) that as he already made a choice, he should stick to it and stop contacting me.

 

He wrote a longer email this time, that he was worrying that he sent only a short message at NYE, as he was with his parents and that he was worrying that I might have misunderstood it, that he misses be and so on.

 

I know it's rubbish.

 

I am considering though sending him a short but sharp reply that would be like a slap on the face and would hurt his ego.

 

Actually I think you should do this. He will probably shrink away, although silence will achieve the same thing, but in a much more vague and drawn out way. And no don't talk to his wife.

[Monicaxxx]

Hi everyone, I haven't been here for a while.

 

I was so down I couldn't keep going over it again and again, I needed a break.

 

It's not getting easier. I feel so empty and unwanted.

 

I started running again, usually 5 times a week, as when I'm out there I'm focusing on improving my speed, I set myself little goals that I want to achieve and at least for that hour or so I am like in a different, better world where I don't have to think about him.

 

I read a lot, both books and different articles, usually on running and relationships.

 

I go out with my colleagues every Friday after work and meet with my friends every weekend to do different things - shopping, cinema, theatre, hiking, exhibitions, etc. I'm planning to go on a short holiday with some of them shortly.

 

I'm trying to reorganise my life, learn new things, do all the things I always wanted to do but was always finding excused not to do, improve myself physically, mentally and in every possible way.

 

I even signed up for counselling and already had my first appointment...

 

 

But none of these seem to help :-(

 

 

I feel so hollow inside. Even when I'm laughing, I'm crying inside. I feel so lonely. I'm OK with some of my friends but the others annoy me more and more. I feel like "tidying up" my friendships and getting rid of people in my life that drug my down in any way.

 

I feel like I need to meet new people to help me out of this emotional mess but unfortunately it's not easy... people in my city are very reserved and mind they own business. It's extremely difficult here to make new friends. As I mentioned, I am going out every Friday with my colleagues. They are OK and there is one girl that actually became my close friend but I just don't think it's a good idea to get too close to your colleagues. I try to keep it professional and not mix work with private live too much.

 

That plus the fact that I don't have too much free time doesn't leave me much choice when it comes to meeting new people.

 

I feel like I need to get out of here, totally change my environment and start totally new things. But then again where would I go? Plus my job keeps me here, at least for some more time.

 

I feel like a total failure at the moment. Like I'm starting to re-live problems of a teenager - this is how emotionally down I am right now.

 

Plus... I think I lost that thing. Guys just don't seem to be interested in me that much any more.

 

Life sucks!

[Jswscents]

He does not love you. He may cabout you but he does not love you. Being there for his kids is an excuse. He is not going to leave his wife and children. It's cheaper to keep her. What he will do is move on to the next victim. It was wrong for you to fall in love with a married man. Love yourself enough to let go and walk away. Let him solve his problem. If the tables were turned and you were the wife with kids how would you handle this'd? This is a typical married man gave.

[elaine567]

I am glad you are picking up the pieces, it will be a journey but you are making the first steps and that is very good.

We are very proud of you here. Well done.

 

After a while it will hurt less and you will enjoy life more, stick with it.

There is always the urge to up sticks and leave, but you take all your emotional baggage with you and then you are in a strange place wth no real support. It can be financially crippling too, so I would not advise leaving.

Take all the support you can get from your friends and colleagues.

[Cressida]

 

I feel like I need to meet new people to help me out of this emotional mess but unfortunately it's not easy... people in my city are very reserved and mind they own business. It's extremely difficult here to make new friends. As I mentioned, I am going out every Friday with my colleagues. They are OK and there is one girl that actually became my close friend but I just don't think it's a good idea to get too close to your colleagues. I try to keep it professional and not mix work with private live too much.

 

That plus the fact that I don't have too much free time doesn't leave me much choice when it comes to meeting new people.

 

I feel like I need to get out of here, totally change my environment and start totally new things. But then again where would I go? Plus my job keeps me here, at least for some more time.

 

I feel like a total failure at the moment. Like I'm starting to re-live problems of a teenager - this is how emotionally down I am right now.

 

Plus... I think I lost that thing. Guys just don't seem to be interested in me that much any more.

 

Life sucks!

 

 

Monica, please don't say such things!!!

 

1. Guys ARE interested in you. You've just been too upset and focused on your own pain to notice that. Get a pedicure, face mask, put makeup on and do your hair. You'll see how much better you'll feel looking good, fresh, all dolled up. People WILL notice you. That's absolutely not true, and it's just your pain and disappointment talking.

 

2. I've had the same problem with meeting new people, particularly men, and I live in a large city. The 'trick' is that even one friend will do, you just have to do many activities where you can meet people. First off, circle of friends. Parties, teas, reunions, clubs, bars, restaurants, plays, sports activities, anything you can get into. You need to be exposed and breathe, and see new people, interact with them. If you have one friend that's more than enough, you can go together with her. Just because you work together doesn't mean you can't be friends after work and go out/meet other people.

 

Please focus on your current routine, seems that you're doing really great. Running will not only keep your mind clear but will keep you fit and in shape and you'll see how happy you'll feel about yourself. Take care of your mind and body, be open to friendships and anything that could lead there, just don't think about that man anymore. You'll see how easy you'll meet someone else, sooner than you expected.

[cif]

Well, I think you're doing a great job. Healing will take time. Remember you're grieving a loss. Keep up the running, join races. It will give you goals and meet new people at the finish line.

 

Also, when the friends you're out with sound annoying it's probably because your mind wants them to shut up so it could think about MM! Don't let it! Try to stay engaged in the conversation.

 

I remember feeling exactly as you did when i broke it off with xBF/MM. Like you, running, friends and the bottle helped me through .. But forget the last one

[georgia girl]

Monica,

 

 

I am so PROUD of you! You are doing amazing!!! It may not feel like it but wow. I see a woman realizing something was unhealthy for her and instead of wallowing in pain or deferring the inevitable and the pain to a later date by staying in the relationship and accepting whatever crumbs may come her way, SHE has made CHANGES.

 

 

This is the healthiest response - honestly - that I have ever seen on these boards. You are running again (and I'm a runner so YAY YOU! Love the endorphins... it's such a cheating way to get high); going out with friends; trying to do new things; and all the while, you acknowledge that this hurts.

 

 

Unfortunately, it's going to hurt and it's going to hurt for awhile. But the fantastic part for you is that it will hurt even less than most. Why? Not because you didn't love enough. But because you were smart and healthy enough to let go when it was no longer good for you.

 

 

You are doing amazing. It is sad. Counseling will help as will running, actually. Work through the sad and you will come out happy. When I went through a very sad time in my life, I remember coming up with a "plan." And that plan was to recognize and embrace that I was a little broken. Therefore, I filled my life with only things that made me stress-free and happy. Yes, I had to work and that could be stressful, but when I got home? I invested in books, bubble baths, a really awesome yoga class and I created a "mad money" fund that I paid myself into just a few dollars each day. But that fund became my "do whatever I want with" fund. It was such a treat to go out and spend it. I hung out with the people who I enjoyed and truly loved me. Eventually, I came out of the sadness and got happy again. You will, too. You don't see it now but you are doing an absolutely amazing job!

 

 

Hugs for the still lonely times, but smiles for all of those good times to come, GG