Did he just dump me for good? Is it at all possible he loves me?

[FusionCutter]

He replied to my message. He wrote Merry Xmas, hope you are having a lovely day xxxxxxxxxx

 

How do you feel? Was it worth it?

[Monicaxxx]

How do you feel? Was it worth it?

 

I don't feel bad about it. I didn't expect him to write how much he misses me and loves me. In fact, I didn't even think he would reply.

 

I don't feel like it was a mistake to send him that message.

[Cressida]

I don't feel bad about it. I didn't expect him to write how much he misses me and loves me. In fact, I didn't even think he would reply.

 

I don't feel like it was a mistake to send him that message.

 

Honey, it wasn't. Don't beat yourself over this so much. This is JUST a message, a courtesy for the holidays, to which he replied. If you can send the same message to your postman or the guy in the corner office, you can send the MM the same. Keep a clear mind, don't overthink an don't exaggerate anything. When we're in that mood and are feeling sad, we think that everything is the end of the world.

 

I think you've made a good choice in not wanting to contact him anymore, or reply to his meaningless texts. The XMas one is a different thing. However if he asks you to meet up, you should go, and have an honest, open conversation. At least you'd have all the information to process and would be able to know with 100% certainty what the situation is and how to proceed accordingly.

Stick with the conversation thought until he says something about it. That should be your number 1 priority.

Don't win the battle and lose the war. This should guide you in your approach of the relationship. Don't sweat for the small stuff. You are your top priority and you should put yourself above anything and everything.

 

I hoped you had a lovely day and enjoyed Christmas with your family. In my country it's past 9:00 pm already so if you're in a different time zone, enjoy the rest of it!

[georgia girl]

Monica,

 

 

I'm the no contact queen for exactly what you just did and what you set yourself up for.

 

 

So, you sent him a message and he replied. Let me replay that for you: you debated for days whether or not to send the message, exactly what to say and when you finally typed in the words to a text and hit "send," your heart actually fluttered. From the moment you hit "send" to the moment he replied, you were anxious and your phone was probably never more than a few feet away. If it was more than a few feet away, you were thinking: "A watched pot never boils." You got a response. Saw his name pop up, read the text. It was a thrill. You've probably read the text over several times by now. You've spent your day thinking about him, reading the text, reliving memories, devising scenarios where you'll be together.

 

 

That one text can sustain you for awhile. Then, in a few days, reality hits. Yes, you got a text. Yes, he probably is still interested in you. But, he's not making any moves towards being with you and you have no idea if he still loves you or not. So, the anxiety starts to creep in. When will you hear from him again? Will he call? Should you call? Are things working out with him? Does he miss you like you miss him?

 

 

I was never the OW, but I was involved seriously with a commitment phobe. When we broke up rather abruptly, I realized that he was just one of a long line of commitment phobes I had attached myself to. And I did the whole scenario I described above, which is why I know it so well. I prided myself on never "chasing," but while I may have always let them contact me first, I was always still hoping and loving. With the last guy, I decided to go no contact. It hurt. I loved him so much and we had been planning our wedding. I was absolutely crushed. But responding had never gotten me anywhere before and I knew in my heart - as badly broken as I was - that it wasn't going to get me anywhere now. So, I decided to go no contact. Somehow, I had to move on.

 

 

Monica, my ex was a classic cake eater. He called, he texted, he emailed me, he asked friends about me, he dropped cards and gifts off at my house... it was the usual spiel. Not ready to get married, but I still want to be friends. I don't know how I feel. Yada, yada, yada.

 

 

I hardened my heart and ignored. It got so bad that I wasn't eating properly and fainted at the top of my stairs one night in the middle of the night (when I also wasn't sleeping). I literally thought I would die of a broken heart, but I refused to give in. Every time he contacted me and I ignored, I got a little more of my power back and a little stronger.

 

 

It took awhile, but the next man I dated was this calm, sweet, intelligent and funniest man I ever met. He looked at me like I was something special and he treated me like I was made of spun glass. I kept saying he was my "Mr. Now." Not my Mr. Right and not even my Mr. Right Now. Just Mr. Now. I was too broken and battered at nearly 40 years old to believe I had finally met "THE ONE."

 

 

I married that man and he's the love of my life. I am amazed that I - who felt like the girl left on the shelf for the longest time - got this incredible man who is the most supportive and loving husband I could have asked for.

 

 

I want this for you and for all women struggling in uneven relationships, Monica. We should demand and expect this. I realized that was the one thing I had done wrong all of those years. I never expected I should be treated so well. When I did - and when I deliberately held back from making a larger emotional commitment that my partner was making - I found the love of my life. I don't look back with regrets because I would pick this man above all others and wait for him a second time. But I do wonder if I had learned that skill earlier, than maybe my other relationships wouldn't have been so bad for me. To be honest, I think they all would have ended because I truly believe I was destined to be with my husband, but I think I would have been the one to end them because it would have been more important to me that I got my needs met in a relationship.

 

 

So, if my story has any worth or value to you, please think about no contact. But if you do it, do it terms of choosing you and choosing to heal from something that even though you want it desperately, you know it's not good for you. We all lose loves in our life and it hurts badly. But please believe me it's worth that pain and all the time and investment in healing to feel the love that you will eventually share with your love of your life... the guy who will ultimately be YOUR husband.

 

 

Best wishes, GG

[elaine567]

I don't feel bad about it. I didn't expect him to write how much he misses me and loves me. In fact, I didn't even think he would reply.

 

I don't feel like it was a mistake to send him that message.

 

The only reason it was a mistake is that all this Xmas situation has done is raised your hopes and has merely postponed your grieving for another few weeks.

He has dangled a bit of stale bread in your direction and you are now telling yourself it was a bit of the finest cake.

It feels so good to you because he has registered your existence, but to us here, it is hardly the love note of the century and hardly worth even mentioning in the scheme of romance.

 

You are clutching at straws here, as Georgia girl has pointed out, no contact is good because it ultimately protects you and allows you eventually to meet another love, a real one this time.

 

Have you ever seen the movie "The Holiday"? If not watch it.

You need gumption here.

[Monicaxxx]

So, you sent him a message and he replied...

You've probably read the text over several times by now. You've spent your day thinking about him, reading the text, reliving memories, devising scenarios where you'll be together.

 

Thank you for your post. What you wrote is exactly what happened after my previous break ups with other men but not now.

 

yes, I was considering for a while whether to send him a thank you message or not but I didn't watch my phone after I did it.

When he replied, it didn't raise my hopes and I didn't start to imagine our future together.

 

in fact, the more time passes, the more I am sure he s not coming back to me. Neither to be with me openly, nor to continue this in secret.

 

The more time passes, the more certain I become about it.

 

He could have made a move by now and he didn't ; (

 

No, I'm not thinking if he misses me or if he still loves me. I know he doesn't. Yes, I miss him so much. I went to see a musical last night and I'm so sad since than as we used to go to see different shows all the time and I feel so bad today

One thing I know for sure though - I am not going to contact him first.

 

 

I know he gave up on me and it hurts so much!!! ; (

[Monicaxxx]

The only reason it was a mistake is that all this Xmas situation has done is raised your hopes and has merely postponed your grieving for another few weeks.

He has dangled a bit of stale bread in your direction and you are now telling yourself it was a bit of the finest cake.

It feels so good to you because he has registered your existence...

 

I really appreciate your advice but no, it doesn't feel good that he contacted me and it absolutely didn't raise my hopes.

 

I only said I didn't regret sending him that thank you message but actually it's quite a contrary, I can feel strongly now that he is over me... completely

[Monicaxxx]

I think you need to look at the big picture, including what you picture for your future. Sending you a text message and delivering something to your house when he knew you wouldn't be there are actually very small efforts to ensure you stay hooked on him. The bulk of his time and effort is going to his family and wife. I'm sure he cares about you but his method of caring about people is very selfish and dysfunctional.

 

I know he's not making any effort to be with me. I have no hopes and I also know time is not working here in my favour.

I know he's working on his marriage now and apparently it's working

[Cressida]

Monica, I'm glad to hear you're slowly getting your life back on track, you have started having a social life again. Imagine meeting a man who is kind, honest, supportive and treats you like a queen, and he wants to marry you and be with you for the rest of his life. If you think about this and focus on this, MM won't appear so shiny after a while, but the whole married man with his pants down, fussing around his wife, with kids in the house, that won't look so appealing anymore.....been there, done that!

 

Best of luck with everything, fill up your days with social activities and friends, and don't think about him unless it's in negative terms- he's an a-hole, etc. It will help you emotionally distance yourself from him.

 

You'll see how much better you will feel after a while. I am truly happy to see you're really on your way towards that. Stay strong

[Monicaxxx]

Monica, I'm glad to hear you're slowly getting your life back on track, you have started having a social life again. Imagine meeting a man who is kind, honest, supportive and treats you like a queen, and he wants to marry you and be with you for the rest of his life. If you think about this and focus on this, MM won't appear so shiny after a while, but the whole married man with his pants down, fussing around his wife, with kids in the house, that won't look so appealing anymore.....been there, done that!

 

Best of luck with everything, fill up your days with social activities and friends, and don't think about him unless it's in negative terms- he's an a-hole, etc. It will help you emotionally distance yourself from him.

 

You'll see how much better you will feel after a while. I am truly happy to see you're really on your way towards that. Stay strong

 

I am getting my life back (I guess) but at the same time his rejection hurts so much.

 

Also, as silly as it may sound, I don't believe any more that I will find man who will love me and with whom I'll be happy again.

Edited December 27, 2014 by Monicaxxx

[Cressida]

Don't say that. You cannot know what the future holds for you.

 

It wasn't rejection what he did, but a choice....in a poor manner. He could have had a conversation with you...anyway. Let's not talk about him.

 

I understand you are upset because you loved him and you saw a future with him, and I know because I went through the same thing. But you cannot keep loving someone who doesn't make you his top priority and doesn't make you happy. Being miserable so his wife could be happy, this isn't on the table. You are wasting your youth away while he performs his matrimonial duties, no no, it ain't happening.

 

This is the thinking i adopted because it was a fair assessment of my situation. You should feel the same way about him. Had he been single and rejected you, yea that would have hurt more. Had he only had a girlfriend and no kids or marriage, that would have sucked even more. But he's got a family, probably bank loans, a network of relatives, maybe a business, etc. You can't just throw that away in an instant for a woman much younger who could dump you in 4-5 years and then you're really done.

 

There's the guy who's been posting about him and his OW, at this point I don't even know if what he says it's true, but assuming that it is, it suffices to say that his major concern about his OW is her age and the possibility that she might leave him one day to be with someone younger than him.

 

I am sure this has been in your MM's head as it had been in mine's. These are life-altering decisions one cannot just make by snapping their fingers. Had he been a billionaire, or had he had older kids who would've understood, things would've been different.

 

Don't torture yourself with thoughts on why he didn't choose you. There is close to nothing one can do when it comes to married men, as they are never prone to leaving their families and if the OW didn't expect it, demand it or push for it, I doubt that even that 1% of MM who ultimately divorced and married/got in relationships with their OW would have done it either.

 

Just take your mind off him, the more you ponder on it the worse it will be for you. You are your top priority, and you need to do some damage-control after this whole thing.

[elaine567]

I am getting my life back (I guess) but at the same time his rejection hurts so much.

 

Also, as silly as it may sound, I don't believe any more that I will find man who will love me and with whom I'll be happy again.

 

If it is any consolation, then every person - who has been dumped or who is in a bad relationship and they know they should leave - thinks exactly the same thing, it is par for the course.

[Monicaxxx]

If it is any consolation, then every person - who has been dumped or who is in a bad relationship and they know they should leave - thinks exactly the same thing, it is par for the course.

 

I guess you are right. I've had a bad day today, I miss him a lot.

I'm going for a run now, I noticed that if I feel so down and think about him, running helps me to feel a bit better.

 

...Hopefully it will work this time as well.

[Cressida]

Monica, get yourself some plans for the NYE.

 

I for example have gotten meself some good ole' tickets to this 'cool' event, something more akin a reception, and I'm going there with two friends. There's going to be about 200 people, a concert, dinner of course....I've recycled an old dress that I've worn twice in my life, and got a purse and a necklace. Already have the shoes and have also decided on hairstyle. Who knows? Maybe I'll meet someone. Maybe i'll just have a good time with friends without feeling depleted, upset, full of anxiety, disrespected, left behind, etc. like last year. Motherf*cker was with his family, and I was in the gutter.

 

You keep telling yourself 'I don't f*cking think so!'. And you'll see.....mine came back CRAWLING after I f*cked with his mind a little, saying he'll die if I don't take him back, etc. Ha! Currently putting him through hell to get what I want for once. Cruel? Hmmm. Vain? Yawn! Materialistic? Hmmmm!!! I don't care anymore. The tables have turned. Let the games begin!!!

[Monicaxxx]

Monica, get yourself some plans for the NYE.

 

I for example have gotten meself some good ole' tickets to this 'cool' event, something more akin a reception, and I'm going there with two friends. There's going to be about 200 people, a concert, dinner of course....I've recycled an old dress that I've worn twice in my life, and got a purse and a necklace. Already have the shoes and have also decided on hairstyle. Who knows? Maybe I'll meet someone. Maybe i'll just have a good time with friends without feeling depleted, upset, full of anxiety, disrespected, left behind, etc. like last year. Motherf*cker was with his family, and I was in the gutter.

 

You keep telling yourself 'I don't f*cking think so!'. And you'll see.....mine came back CRAWLING after I f*cked with his mind a little, saying he'll die if I don't take him back, etc. Ha! Currently putting him through hell to get what I want for once. Cruel? Hmmm. Vain? Yawn! Materialistic? Hmmmm!!! I don't care anymore. The tables have turned. Let the games begin!!!

 

 

Hope you will have a great time

I'm spending NYE with my sister and some friends.

 

Was just thinking... IF he sends me a message wish NY wishes, should I also wish him a Happy NY or not reply at all?

 

What did you do that you MM came to you? How do you get him to do things you want him to do now?

 

I want to know your story, will read your threads.

 

Hope you'll have a great time at that reception

[bathtub-row]

Thank you for your post. What you wrote is exactly what happened after my previous break ups with other men but not now.

 

yes, I was considering for a while whether to send him a thank you message or not but I didn't watch my phone after I did it.

When he replied, it didn't raise my hopes and I didn't start to imagine our future together.

 

in fact, the more time passes, the more I am sure he s not coming back to me. Neither to be with me openly, nor to continue this in secret.

 

The more time passes, the more certain I become about it.

 

He could have made a move by now and he didn't ; (

 

No, I'm not thinking if he misses me or if he still loves me. I know he doesn't. Yes, I miss him so much. I went to see a musical last night and I'm so sad since than as we used to go to see different shows all the time and I feel so bad today

One thing I know for sure though - I am not going to contact him first.

 

 

I know he gave up on me and it hurts so much!!! ; (

 

What I meant earlier about you missing the point of Cressida's post is that it's not about whether he loves you or not. You're making the classic mistake that most women make -- thinking that men think the same way we do, or that our logic on the situation is the only thing that makes sense.

 

But here's another scenario for you: MM loves you so much it nearly kills him. But walking away from his responsibilities goes against every fiber in his being. You don't understand this because, like most women, if you don't want to be with someone, it's a no-brainer to you. You just leave. But here's the problem: MEN DON'T THINK LIKE THAT!!

 

If you could get straight on that idea, you'd stop all the self-pity thinking about how much you miss him and how he doesn't love you enough and is obviously happily working on his marriage. I can almost assure you this isn't the case. But, like my xMM who would choose to live on a boat than divorce a woman who argues with him all the time, your xMM doesn't know what to do, and he's likely to live in hell to live up to his obligations. This is simply how men think. I have a nephew who truly lives in hell but he will not leave his horrible marriage. I honestly believe this is why so many men have affairs and why so many women are the instigators of divorce. Men and women simply think differently. If you could understand this, it would help you stop feeling like you're not loved enough. However, for me, it's one of many reasons to stay out of an affair. They're so heartbreaking on so many levels, and the only thing you ever control is how close you let someone get to you once they've shown you that they're willing to hurt you.

 

Remember the words and live by then: "You're nothing to me, until you're everything."

 

Translation: You don't get to be in my life until you're 100% committed to me.

Edited December 28, 2014 by bathtub-row

[Cressida]

I honestly believe this is why so many men have affairs and why so many women are the instigators of divorce. Men and women simply think differently. If you could understand this, it would help you stop feeling like you're not loved enough.

 

Bathtub-row, word. I could've saved myself the 'effort' of writing on LS so many times had I understood this from the beginning, and also spared you guys of my yammering here on LS

 

True to the letter. Monica, the sooner you understand this, the better it'll be for you.

[Monicaxxx]

But here's another scenario for you: MM loves you so much it nearly kills him. But walking away from his responsibilities goes against every fiber in his being. You don't understand this because, like most women, if you don't want to be with someone, it's a no-brainer to you. You just leave. But here's the problem: MEN DON'T THINK LIKE THAT.

 

Thank you for your post.

 

I feel more confused now...

I understand that I will never know what he really felt/feels to me but most of the people who posted here keep telling me that if he loved me, he would be with me by now, especially after she kicked him out of the house and told him she wanted a divorce.

 

...and I you are telling me that maybe he really loves me but men are different than us.

 

It doesn't make sense to me. I know he might not love me but assuming he does, how can you say that he left me even though he loves me when so many people is telling me that he would be with me if he really cared?

 

It confuses me so much now.

[cif]

Maybe he did/does love you. But then what? What will this love do for you and your future if he's choosing to share his life with someone else?

[elaine567]

Maybe he did/does love you. But then what? What will this love do for you and your future if he's choosing to share his life with someone else?

 

Agree it is immaterial whether he feels love or not. He made the choice to stay with his wife and kids.

 

We must not underemphasis the importance of kids to some/most men. They can put up with lots of stuff in marriages as long as they still have their kids.

 

An OW rarely comes close to being able to compete with the married life, the house, the wife, and the kids, when it comes down to the nitty gritty.

[bathtub-row]

Thank you for your post.

 

I feel more confused now...

I understand that I will never know what he really felt/feels to me but most of the people who posted here keep telling me that if he loved me, he would be with me by now, especially after she kicked him out of the house and told him she wanted a divorce.

 

...and I you are telling me that maybe he really loves me but men are different than us.

 

It doesn't make sense to me. I know he might not love me but assuming he does, how can you say that he left me even though he loves me when so many people is telling me that he would be with me if he really cared?

 

It confuses me so much now.

 

Because the majority of the ones who are saying that are women. See? The classic mistake. I used to say it, too. And, granted, for some men it is that simple but, for most of them, it's not. The other reason people say that kind of thing is because it's a way of thinking that allows them to let go. And that's not always a bad thing.

 

Your xMM has all the traits of being in love with you. Try to accept it for what it is and leave it alone. I realize now that I made a HUGE mistake by getting involved with a MM, for so many reasons. Now I have very strong boundaries between xMM and I. We work together so it's not possible to cut all ties with him. But he doesn't get to act like my bf, or like he has some grand hold over me, nor do I let him think he does. He knows I'm no longer willing to play the game with him. And don't think it was easy getting there because it wasn't. I'm talking about a 9-yr, on again, off again relationship filled with fun and love and passion and a deep friendship that was nearly impossible to let go of. Even now, if I were willing to do it, the affair would still be going strong. But once I realized he wasn't going to leave his wife, I stopped concerning myself with why, and knew that I had to make a choice based on his choice. And, more importantly, I had to stop thinking that all the sweet things he did and said actually meant there was hope for us. Because that was the hook, and it kept hope dangling in front of me all the time.

 

From your current point of view, your xMM has made a choice, whether he loves you or not. Now the ball is in your court. Do you let him keep stringing you along, or do you wish him well and let him know that you're not willing to be his friend or lover as long as his and his wife's names are on the marriage certificate?

 

Staying or going or allowing him in your life is not about love, so you would do well to stop thinking that it is. Women in abusive relationships think the same thing and hang on "because I love him". It's a lame excuse and it's competely off the point. The real question isn't whether you love him or if he loves you. The real question is: if love is involved, is this person 100% committed to me, and does he show that through his actions and the way he lives his life? If yes, then hang on to this man because he's a jewel. If no, then he doesn't deserve to be in your life. End of story.

Edited December 28, 2014 by bathtub-row

[jellybean89]

Do not contact him anymore, even if he sends a lame Happy NY text. So what if he sends one? Millions of people will be sending them. Doesn't mean anything. All it shows is he snuck to the bathroom with his phone to send a 3 word text. Stop seeing more into it than that.

 

He chose his wife & family. Period. The rest is just noise.

 

Make a decision for 2015 that you will no longer allows men who are in relationships with other people to become important to you. Make a decision that you will no longer be a mistress. Take your pride back and decide you are worth more than crumbs from a MM.

[Cressida]

Monica, reference to your previous question about whether to send him NYE wishes....NO.

 

Don't send him anything.

 

If he sends you something, don't answer. It's been a month or close...so time has been ticking away and he took a commitment with you. Respect yourself and show him you won't take sh*t sitting down.

 

Just don't answer, maybe let him assume that you've met someone. Don't speak with him about anything, just never answer his messages. There's no point.

[Monicaxxx]

Monica, reference to your previous question about whether to send him NYE wishes....NO.

 

Don't send him anything.

 

If he sends you something, don't answer. It's been a month or close...so time has been ticking away and he took a commitment with you. Respect yourself and show him you won't take sh*t sitting down.

 

Just don't answer, maybe let him assume that you've met someone. Don't speak with him about anything, just never answer his messages. There's no point.

 

Never? You mean like never ever? Not even when he wants to talk? If he wants to talk?

[sidney2718]

Never? You mean like never ever? Not even when he wants to talk? If he wants to talk?

 

From my point of view your MM did love you. You were wonderful for him. He wished that he could keep you AND his wife and children.

 

Things didn't work out that way. Now you are his escape plan. He's chosen his wife and family and will be working very hard to reconcile. If it doesn't work out, he will quite possibly come back to you.

 

The result is that he's not putting 100% into reconciliation. That isn't helping him at all. When things get rough (and reconciliation isn't easy) he may well reach out to you to see if you are still there.

 

And THAT is why you need to stop all contact with him. Responding to any attempted contact by him only makes it less likely that he will reconcile.

 

I think that he, like many men in his position, is broken. He had to take a stand and choose between you and his wife. In fact he should have manned up and asked her for a divorce quite a while ago. It would have been open and you and he would not have had to break off communication. But he didn't. You were an amazing fantasy for him and he will never forget you, but he is not whom you want -- even if your heart is telling you otherwise.

 

This is very hard for you. I understand that. But you deserve the pure love of a man who has not made you his second choice. He's out there waiting for you. Find him.