Exgf visiting my Mom?

[Dark-Farmer]

So as the title implies my ex-gf visited my mom.

 

 

Just to put that into context here are some details about mine and my ex’s situation.

We dated for just about 3 years and lived together, this was 3 years ago.

Her and my mom did get along fairly well, but I wouldn’t say it was like mother daughter or anything.

So our relationship ended dramatically and involved her cheating. She pretty much broke my heart.

My mom is aware of this, I haven’t told her the nitty gritty details but she’s a smart women.

We have been broken up for 3 years, with no contact for say at least 2-1/2 years. To this date we have no contact and I haven’t so much as bumped into her.

 

 

I am currently seeing a new girl who is now living with me. I’ve been seeing her for 2-1/2 years now.

Things are going good with her. She can get grumpy when the topic of my ex come up.

 

 

So out of the blue after 3 years my ex decides to pay my mom a visit. Brought her a hand-made Christmas card and everything. I found it a little weird. If things ended nicer between us or if we were on speaking terms it would probably not bother me as much.

 

 

I didn’t even know what to say to my mom, and (from her demeanor) she didn’t think it was weird and liked the visit. I didn’t really ask any more questions, I was a little stunned to be honest. I told her I hadn’t spoken to her or seen her what so ever since we broke up; and then us pretty much went about my business. (I was there to borrow a tool)

 

 

I don’t really know how to handle the situation. Obviously since I’m writing this it’s bothering me a bit. But do I tell my mom this?

 

 

Do I tell my current girlfriend?

I’m usually all about honesty but I’m certain she wouldn’t be thrilled. But she might be less thrilled if she found out anyways and also found out I knew and didn’t tell her.

With a “hand-made card” looming on the mantle I see it somewhat likely my girlfriend might find out.

 

 

I'm an unwilling participant in this situation and have been letting the situation soak in for a couple day, but think I’m going to have to suck it up and should probably make a move.

 

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

[Darren Steez]

Urmm..this has zero to do with you.

 

Your mom is an adult and so is your Ex. By the way you're reacting it's obvious there is some underlying residual feelings left.

 

Your ex visited your mom gave her a card..end of.

 

She didn't say a word to you and still hasn't so what's the problem?

[d0nnivain]

I'd tell your GF in the interest of full disclosure but don't sound guilty about it. You didn't do anything wrong.

 

 

Just say something like Hey, I heard my EX visited my mom the other day. I just wanted to let you know so you didn't think I was hiding anything.

[Clay]

I might be wrong but It would sure piss me off if my mom took a card from my cheating X. I think this goes along the lines of supporting your family. Its clear to me things have changed over the years but Imagine if the roles were reversed and your mom's xBoyfriend who cheated on her wanted to visit with you and brought you a nice card. Wouldn't you feel a little uncomfortable about it. My Brothers xW cheated on him and there is no way in hell I would be friendly to her. It does not mean I would be outright mean but I would make it clear she would not be welcome around me.

 

On the other side of this its a must you tell the GF. I would also keep in mind this is now going to put a strain on any kind of a relationship your mom will have with your current GF. I think I would avoid taking the GF around her for a while.

[Dark-Farmer]

Darren - There are residual feels. Resentment.

I mean she broke my heart, it ended really roughly!! ie lying and cheating. But it's been like 3 years, I went 100% no contact and moved on.

 

I guess it is just awkward because I haven't so much as heard a peep or received an apology, then bam 3 years ... no contact (to me or my mom) then a surprise visit.

 

Donnivain - I guess I should tell her. My hesitation is due to I know that this is a tender subject for her already. Also my girlfriend and my mom don't seem to have as much in common than my mom and my ex. I just hate to make my girlfriend feel in "competition" with her. If that makes any sense.

 

Thanks for the advice guys.

[Dark-Farmer]

Clay - I think that's why I felt it a bit weird from my mom. I almost wished she stood up for me, I guess. But I have no idea how their conversation unfolded, I didn't ask.

 

 

And yeah this might be a strain as you said. It's sorta crappy though I mean it's Christmas and we had plans to go there on Christmas eve ....

[acrosstheuniverse]

I would tell your girlfriend that the ex paid your Mom a visit, tell her that you were surprised to hear it and have no idea where it came from.

 

And then tell your Mom you're uncomfortable with her spending time with your ex and that you'd rather she kept that side of things to a minimum... or if she was going to see her again, keep it to herself because you don't want to know.

 

Yes, the ex and the Mom are adults and can associate if they so wish, but personally I would feel betrayed if a close family member or a best friend received a cheating ex who broke my heart warmly, took their card and invited them in for coffee. Even if it was three years ago.

 

So I say you're honest with your Mom. Maybe she didn't realise it would piss you off, maybe she thinks that because you're with new gf you've totally forgotten anything that the ex did to you. Maybe she does feel she has a right to do what she wants, but at least you'll know that's her stance.

 

I'd feel betrayed and upset if my Dad accepted my ex into his house, took a card from him and didn't wonder what the F was up. I would expect him to politely enquire what he was showing up for, and then to say goodbye. Perfectly civil, but not 'oh, it's you! It's been so long, come in!'.

 

Definitely tell the new gf, you didn't do anything wrong, and it IS weird. I think either a) the ex is feeling guilty about what she did and trying to make herself feel better by trying to get your Mom to act like it's okay (be forgiven by her, even if not you) or more likely b) trying to cause problems by butting in so unnecessarily after this long. Maybe trying to cause tension in your relationship, because she's unhappy? I don't know.

[Clay]

If your mom put her card on the mantle then you already know how it went.

 

You can tell your mom how you feel but if you really have to tell her about something like that then really what is the point. I would just keep the GF away from your moms house and limit your visit to avoid any other unwanted drama in your life.

 

I would make sure you tell your GF everything. Keep her on the same page you are on. She will feel alot more secure if you are completely honest with her. On the other side of this I doubt your mom will be on your GF Christmas visit list.

 

 

What a horrible situation to be in.

 

Clay

[Dark-Farmer]

I never really thought of that.

I'm pretty close to my mom though.

 

 

The thought of this sort of ruining Christmas is a total bummer.

 

 

Maybe I can talk to both of them and attempt to smooth things over for Christmas.

[Darren Steez]

Again, mountain out of a mole hill. Smoothing over? Ruining Christmas?

 

She's an ex, who dropped by paid a visit and bounced. Yet days after you're still stewing over it talking about ruining your holidays.

 

You have a girlfriend, why not focus on that, rather than the ex who's probably moved on and enjoying her holidays, not thinking once about the visit she paid.

 

If she's such a non entity and you feel such resentment for her then this shouldn't even be an issue.

[preraph]

I would expect my mom not to do that if it made me uncomfortable and consider her awfully self-centered if she did. That's not cool. It's one of the same reasons you don't date your friends' exes. It makes it uncomfortable socially. I think you need to tell your mom you feel strongly that she needs to stop accepting visits and communication from your ex because it's making you feel uncomfortable.

[Dark-Farmer]

Darren - My biggest issue IS my current girlfriend, how she will react, and her relationship with my mom. As I said my ex is not my girlfriends favorite topic (understandably) Like Clay said if she is offended by what my mom did, she might not want to go there for Christmas, which sort of ruins Christmas with my family for us.

 

 

I sort of wanted my mom to stand up for me, But it was 3 years ago so I would let it slide IF this "visit" didn't upset my current girlfriend (I sorta think it would though). Maybe you're right I could be making a big deal for no reason, maybe she wouldn't mind. But if the situation was reversed, I might mind if my girlfriend's ex was visiting her mom/dad. At the very least I would think it's strange. Wouldn't you?

 

 

preraph - I actually am not bothered as much as my post may imply. It's more weird/awkward. My comfort is more more a reflection of not wanting my ex to be apart of my life. My mom is apart of my life, I guess it just feels like she's encroaching on my territory. Or as Darren said maybe I'm just over thinking things ... it wouldn't be the first time that's happened.

[Javelin]

Listen,

 

Regarding your mom,

 

You can't expect your mom to hate your ex-girlfriend for cheating on you. And, you can't expect your mom to say comment on it, as its really none of her business anyway. Your mom is staying neutral, and that's the best place to be in this situation, as a mom. Regardless, it's been 3 years and she probably figured it isnt worth rehashing old feelings anyway.

 

Regarding your ex-girlfriend,

 

She cheated. In terms of her relationship skills? She probably has none. However, she is still a person and likely doing this out of remorse. There isn't any reason to get upset, because she just wanted to wish your family (and you indirectly) a Merry Christmas. I would remain no-contact, but ease up a bit.

 

Your current girlfriend,

 

Tell her everything, and act totally disgusted. But, make sure you explain to her about the neutrality of your mom.

 

 

 

as I would if I were your mom (weird, as I'm a guy lol.) Your mom is a nice person, had a guest stop by, and was hospitable.

[Gloria25]

I don't have an issue if family members made friendship with an ex, they should be allowed to continue it, IMO.

 

But, the OP's situation, IMO, is different. I don't see how family would remain in a friendship with a person (in this case, the OPs ex), when his ex treated him like poop and cheated on him.

 

Worst, I think that his ex is probably just bored and ready to stir up drama. I mean, she out of the blue decides to re-appear? Pleeeeze.

 

Now, if I was his gf, I wouldn't get bent out of shape, but if his family rekindles this "friendship", then yes, I'd be upset - especially if from this point on the ex keeps on coming back. I mean, coming back after a three-year hiatus? Why?

 

I mean, his family can't control the ex. If she comes around with a card, they should just graciously say "thank you" and that's it. No "hey, let's catch up" and/or reestablishing a connection with the cheating/lying ex.

[Darren Steez]

Darren - My biggest issue IS my current girlfriend, how she will react, and her relationship with my mom. As I said my ex is not my girlfriends favorite topic (understandably) Like Clay said if she is offended by what my mom did, she might not want to go there for Christmas, which sort of ruins Christmas with my family for us.

 

 

I sort of wanted my mom to stand up for me, But it was 3 years ago so I would let it slide IF this "visit" didn't upset my current girlfriend (I sorta think it would though). Maybe you're right I could be making a big deal for no reason, maybe she wouldn't mind. But if the situation was reversed, I might mind if my girlfriend's ex was visiting her mom/dad. At the very least I would think it's strange. Wouldn't you?

 

 

preraph - I actually am not bothered as much as my post may imply. It's more weird/awkward. My comfort is more more a reflection of not wanting my ex to be apart of my life. My mom is apart of my life, I guess it just feels like she's encroaching on my territory. Or as Darren said maybe I'm just over thinking things ... it wouldn't be the first time that's happened.

 

And the issue is this, this happened how long ago? Why didn't you just tell your girlfriend? It's not like you did anything wrong did you?

 

How your girlfriend reacts to your mom? They're grown women dude, this was a visit out of the blue, girl stopped by and gave her a card..big deal. Your mom didn't do anything wrong, your ex didn't do anything wrong and neither did you, did you? And yet you're agonizing over this like it was you that secretly met up with your ex.

 

You are absolutely over thinking it, your ex visited x days ago and today she is still on your mind. A confident guy who was supposedly over his ex and with a new girl for three years would be totally invested in his current relationship, not hiding stuff and agonizing over this.

 

Tell your girlfriend and be done with it. It's really not complicated.

[darkmoon]

say nothing about your ex to your girl

 

it is obvious the ex wants to be in your life

 

ask your mother to ask the ex to go

 

put your girl first, avoiding your mother if necessary

 

you are in an inflammatory situation, take control

Edited December 18, 2014 by darkmoon