My Dad's double life

[BrokenBUTdontGIVEUP]

Dear LSer

 

Thank you for taking the time to hear me out. I don’t know where to begin but I know I don’t want to bore you with all the details. But I need somewhere to vent and it seems like this is the place to do so.

 

My parents have been married for exactly 30 years. They first immigrated to this lovely country that I know call home 25 years ago. They came here with nothing but wanted to achieve the American Dream. Both of my parents were the first to get a college degree. Both of them worked extremely hard and achieved their ultimate goal. They had me at a very young age and my Mom knew she wanted to come to America to continue her education. After several years of commitment and networking she was given the opportunity to get her masters in the US. So she and my dad decided to move to the US and brought me along at the age of 3. Much of those years were a blur to me but I do remember seeing how hard my parents worked. We moved around a lot but eventually we found California to be more settling due to the climate and the diverse culture. My parents started their own business 20 years ago. They worked night in and night out. Honestly, I have never witnessed anyone worked as hard as my parents. They poured their life into their business and from all that, success was evident. The first 10 years of their business was a learning experience. Their business started to take off in the late 90s. At that time, I was just about to graduate from Middle School. But one thing that my mom did was that she would always picked me up and dropped me off at school. Even if they were busy at work, my Mom always found the time to do it herself. I remember as a little kid I would get so excited to see my Mom, pulling up on campus with her dark burgundy Ford Windstar Minivan. There were times when my Mom even helped me out with my homework! Additionally, she was heavily involved in PTA meetings and helping out the school/community in anyway possible. My Dad on the other hand started to disappear on me when I was in middle school. I never really got to see him much but all I knew at that time was that he was “busy” traveling for business. Than as I got older these “busy” business trips became longer. We could go on for months of not talking… Communication was terrible. But then again it was not like I was ever close with my father. I remember very vividly as a teenager, my Dad and I had the “sex” discussion. He made me feel very uncomfortable. But growing up in a small community where everyone came from “well off” families, I was compelled to lie about my father to my friends. I would sometimes lie about how I would always hang out with him and he would take me to ball games. Eventually some of my friends found out in high school and it kind of back fired on me because everyone thought I was a compulsive liar. But in reality, all I wanted to do was just “fit in.” During all my graduations my father was never present. I remember my high school graduation, my dad left the day before my graduation. I was saddened and hurt by it but I have never ever expressed it to him. Furthermore, I remember traveling with him when I was in High School. We rented a hotel suite at the Hyatt. He forced me to sleep on the floor which I obliged. My Mother found out a few days later and had a huge fight with him. Growing up my parents, like any other "normal" couple fought. But recently in the past few months it has been INSANE. It has come to a point where I fear for my Mother's life because I honestly think my Father is psychotic and he verbally abuses me and my Mother.

 

The worst part is that my Mom has officially confirmed the existence of my 2 half sisters. According to my Dad, my "half" sisters were "adopted" which I highly doubt they were. One is 8 and the other one is 10. They both go to an international school. Of all the visits I've had with my Father, I have never seen or heard of them until today. In fact my cousin told me about it but I just couldn't believe it until I see it. But today my Dad officially confessed to my Mother about them but his excuse was that they were adopted...

 

As an adult, I don't feel the need to know my two "adopted" sisters. But I do feel terrible for my Mom. She's been lied to and verbally abused by my Dad for the past 10 years. It's sickening and saddening at the same time. Words cannot describe the pain my Mother is going through. I'm at a lost road right now. I don't know what to do. I don't necessarily hate my father because hate is such a strong word but I am disgusted and saddened by his actions. Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this?

 

My Mom is thinking of filing for divorce but in the mean time she just wants my Father out of the house. Unfortunately he is not leaving the house because his excuse is that he owns half of it. Which by law that is correct. However, he's been verbally abusive and damaging my Mom emotionally. Especially now that he has confirmed the existence of my two "adopted" sisters. I sometimes fear for my Mother's life because I feel like my Dad could eventually do something to do. I don't know what but I just don't want that to happen. I tried staying at the house with my Mom but I can't bare to live with my Dad under the same roof. He will knit pick me to the teeth and emotionally abuse me, causing me to lose confidence in myself. Right now I have my own business and I can't have that negative energy around me. I want to help my Mother out but I don't know who to turn to. Family is out of the question because I am the only child and all my grandparents have passed away except my Grandma on my Father's side but she lives 8000 miles away... Any advice?

[bathtub-row]

Is there any chance that your mom could live with you? Wouldn't that be the best case scenario until she figures out what she's going to do?

 

There's nothing she can do to get your dad thrown out of the house, unless he's a threat to her. In that case, she would need to contact an attorney but, honestly, she has probably been abused and used for so long now, she doesn't yet have the courage to take action against him, or to leave him.

 

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Your dad sounds like a jerk, honestly. There's nothing you can do about him but I'm glad you have great memories of having a wonderful mom. Some people don't even have that.

 

I would do what you could to get your mother out of that house and to live with you. If you fear for her safety, then you must have a reason for feeling that way. Just understand that your dad is used to having his own way, is used to pushing everyone around, and he will not take kindly to having that power being taken away from him.

[La Trese]

Your situation sounds very similar to my parents situation when they divorced. My dad also refused to leave after being verbally abusive to my mom and filing for divorce but refusing to leave because of the him owning half the house excuse. I found out later its because when you get a divorce if you leave on your own you forfeit the house and your spouse will automatically get it whereas if you get kicked out then you can still get half. Thats probably why he won't leave. My mom was able to get him kicked out by getting a temp restraining order so maybe yours can do the same. and feel free to message me if you need any more advice or want the details about the situation...as I said this sounds extremely similar to what my mom went through.

 

 

When I became an adult my dad seemed to regret being such a mediocre father and ****ty husband and begged for forgiveness and to be in my life again. And for a long time I struggled with not hatred but disgust and anger at what he did to my mom but at the same time I will always love him because he is my father. I ended up deciding to forgive him, but I also made it clear to him I don't owe anything to him anything anymore since he destroyed our family, and as long as he didn't expect anything out of me and treated my mom with respect.

 

As for my mother...it made her such a strong woman. My mom is hardworking like yours, came from another country, worked her way up from nothing, got a masters, had an amazing career. These hardworking, selfless types of women like your mom and mine they are surprisingly resilient and unbreakable, trust me. My mom didn't have family to support her either, and I was a teenager so I was too young to give her any guidance, but I did show her how much I loved her throughout the whole thing and she said that was enough to help her stay strong even if she didn't really have anyone to turn to. Just help her through the divorce by making sure she knows she is not alone, and by showing her how much you love her, and since you are an adult you can even be a shoulder to cry on.

 

Hope that helps. And sorry for the really ****ty situation you are in.

Edited January 12, 2015 by La Trese

[Mittens]

Believe it or not, but your mother is in a very strong position. She's educated, and has proved that she is hard working. She will be fine after the divorce.

 

The road to there though is not going to be easy. She could look into getting a restraining order against your father, if she feels at risk from him...the only other option is to either keep as much distance from him as humanly possible, or even to move out herself. Will she want to keep the house in the divorce? Like a previous poster mentioned, her living with you is also something to consider...

 

My parents separated after 23 years of marriage, when I was just 21. My father was incapable of being faithful to my mother, he had affairs during most of the marriage. There were no offspring from these affairs - as far as I am aware. He eventually did leave my mother for another woman and married her. 26 years later and they are still married...

 

My mother gave up her job when my older brother was born, and didn't work for 24 years. It was by choice, she didn't want to...she liked the fact that my father was a high earner and felt by having 3 children she had 'earned' the right not to work. So she was in a bad position when my father left... he wasn't paying her any maintenance, so she had to get the first job she could, which was a minimum wage job. She was extremely bitter and angry that she had to go back to work (and that the house had to be sold), and took it out on myself and my two brothers. She even blamed me for my father having the final affair, saying that if he hadn't had to pay for my wedding (he left my mother when I was on honeymoon, 2 days after my wedding) it wouldn't have happened. She still maintains that to this day. She also emotionally blackmailed us to cut all contact with my father. I've not seen him in 25 years...

 

What my father, and your father, have done is wrong. Very wrong. But you must try to separate your relationship with him from the one you have with your mother. If you decide that you don't really want much of a relationship with him, that's fine, but don't let that decision be influenced by your mother. Don't do what I did, and let yourself be used as a pawn in their divorce. Believe me, you will end up with a low opinion of both of them if it happens.

 

My best wishes to you and your mother.

[Timshel]

First, I am sorry that you are in this position. It must be very uncomfortable and worrisome. You have my empathy.

 

Please know that this situation does have the potential to be volatile. Your father may choose to be reasonable but there is a chance that the situation could escalate as most domestic violence occurs when the relationship is ending.

 

If your mother pursues a divorce or to leave your father it would be important that she has firm plans in place before confronting him. Also, it should be done not in isolation. If she chooses to leave or ask for a divorce it should be done after she has left the house so that she not have to go alone to retrieve items and it should be in a place that she is safe from any histrionics from your father.

 

She should pack and move out while he is not there, contact a lawyer who is briefed on the situation and follow the attorneys advice. If she leaves the home because of an unsafe environment, she will not lose her equity in the home. If your father wants to stay, he will have to buy her portion, otherwise the house would be sold and split evenly.

 

No financial gain is worth risking her safety. That is priority number one.

 

Best wishes to you and please assist your mom in using prudence in this situation.